Yesterday is here.

2012-02-02T23:31:00.001+08:00

I remember vividly the year I was 12, I had always wondered what kind of music the teenagers of the future will listen to. I had secretly wished for the Backstreet Boys to be an evergreen for all seasons, and I was aware that I'd be gravely saddened if they weren't to know who Michael Jackson was. And here I am turning 27 in July, witnessed a few transitions in the pop music culture, and listening to what they are listening today - only such mixes are hardly noticeable in my iTunes library.

David Guetta feat Jessie J - Laserlight

Note that I've written David Guetta as the protagonist of this track. With all my due respect for Jessie J and her quite unthinkable diaphragm, I just can't go against my conscience and say that the song had done justice to her gift from God. Lyricist definitely needs to place a dictionary and a novel by Murakami on bedside table. Jessie J needs to find her calling and transforms into a diva, not a pop star (as you can probably see that her face is pretty weird). David Guetta needs to release a mix of this without anyone singing and take me in as his apprentice. But apart from all that was mentioned above, this is quite a listenable track. Only loving it when Guetta kicks in hard.

No longer having to harbor the childhood worry, the pop music industry has unveiled itself before my eyes and transformed into a breeding ground for DJs and Popstars. The marriage of House and Pop is witnessed with the bringing together of the better known turntables and improvised boyband/girlband moves. And being PopHouse, they are quite a sure-win plot cleverly thought of by producers (I blame Timbaland for the earlier heavily synthesized tracks). Teenagers who are so into idolizing will definitely listen to whatever their Gods are singing/rapping/lip-syncing (trust me, I've been there. I even bought Aaron Carter's album just because he's the younger brother of his brother). The middle-aged (me and those born before the 1990s) demographic will turn to David Guetta, Tiesto, Benny Benassi, Avicii, Steve Aoki because we grew up with Zouk and love ZoukOuts. But on a comforting note, DJs get to earn more now that they get a cut of the profits from the number of songs sold on iTunes - they no longer just spin at clubs.

So what's going to be in the scene in another ten years' time? I can't wait to find out but please just let me remain this young forever.

And perhaps you might find a resemblance of the above to this:

-xo

Kickin' harder more than ever in 2012!

2012-01-30T01:14:00.000+08:00

I've just realized from circa 2007 up till now, my blog has gotten only 2116 page-views. This is really a remarkable number which calls for some self-reflection especially I have been telling people around me that I'm a social media guru wannabe. We're talking about total effort, not.

While bumming around at home with Ummairah, we've decided to (or rather, me) Google on each other. Alright, I'll fess it since she's an avid online stalker of mine, that it is I who came up with the thought of stalking her. Found her on multiply.com which there were some really cool and uncool videos of her. Found her on MySpace which exhibits nothing but a damn cool profile pic - the typical emo phase which everyone went through. Found her on blogspot - try finding it if you want to know what she used to do everyday!

Oh, it's Sunday. Tomorrow is Monday. That makes that a workday. Damn. I have no better words to express how much dread I am facing every workday especially it's with this current employment. I totally love my colleagues, and everyone who I work with but I totally hate how it's so unorganized with minimal system in place. World class etiquette I am talking about - someone took my Apple USB cable (when I was new in the company) and despite me sending out an email, no one replied, let alone returned. Someone sneaks around (still is) like a rat and eats everything in the fridge without the basic courtesy to ask (one day, I'm going to put laxatives in M&M's packaging). People just enjoy clogging the water closets. I have a toilet on my floor, there are three water closets and all of them are clogged. And it's been two darn months, no one came to fix it. My bladder is potentially facing a possible infection. And to whom should I send the bill to if this misfortune was to happen? Human rights are definitely not prominently etched into the legislation here.

Just when you think things are bad enough here, let me share something very funny with you.

Someone took someone's breakfast last Friday. Jesus Christ, it was only a pack of beehoon. The poor girl sent out an email asking who did, and no one fessed up. We have a top suspect in mind. And we are guessing (based on CCTV footage) that it's someone managerial. Gasp! You think your workplace sucks, you think again now. I am witnessing a totally wrong code of human behavior on an almost daily basis. If I wasn't brought up by a good pair of folks, wasn't sent to school (wait, the people here at work are learned too!), haven't read horrifying world news, I would most certainly believe that I'm living in some cave off some unknown isolated island. In this rat race here, we have rats - literally!

So, I braced myself and decided to bade farewell. Mainly because I too, received an offer which hasn't much come concreting itself as of now. The fucken shiznits that most Singaporeans believe in, is that your capabilities and abilities are reflected based on what's stamped on your certificate. And this is so exceptionally delusional. Firstly, I have definitely come across graduates who can't speak as eloquently nor write as fluently as some of my mates who are with their diplomas. And I have definitely come across people whom majored in what they were supposed to, only to display nothing but mediocrity in their works. You get the drift here, you ought to. I'm sure there are individuals around you who give weight to your lower jaw.

While this is perhaps not the best way to end a Sunday evening and I should be in bed right now, I ought to seize this opportunity to greet my loyal panel of followers who are still into reading my junk. I missed a Christmas greeting, I missed a New Year's but I am definitely in time for some prosperous greetings!

GONG HEI FATT CHOI EVERYONE!

But the 10 million Hong Bao Toto Draw is mine for sure, sorry!

something honest.

2011-12-13T22:25:00.000+08:00

When you thought it was good,

then came something better.

And that's Life I guess.

If one was to spend his whole life half asleep, what would eventually come? Do the world still grant the dreamers the rights to dream? Have the dreamers left? If we remain footed on the same spot forever, will happiness come on its own, as if it's a meteor shower which brilliantly fall from the sky on one fine night?

Rewind Button Needed.

2011-11-07T01:56:00.001+08:00

Been a while.
Been a while indeed.

When was the last rupture?
I couldn't remember.

I've dreamt about the beautiful sand on our feet,
the placid waters, crystal clear and blue.

Seven hours it was to send everything crumpling down.

Fleeting.

Gone indeed.

2011-11-04T00:48:00.005+08:00

I can't sleep at night, I toss and turn

Listenin' for the telephone

But when I get your call, I'm all choked up

Can't believe you called my home

Every Little Step - Bobby Brown

As much as I wish to refuse to acknowledge what is going on in me now, I certainly hope for the day I find all these absurd. Because this has never happened before and I am really not sure how to handle it.

I am talking in riddles again because I have to.

Am I crazier than crazy now?

The Edge of Reason

2011-10-29T23:19:00.005+08:00

The Edge of Reason: almost to a point of losing rationality.

I used to be able to do things which could temporarily rev myself to the state of ecstasy, strong enough to plant a smile on the face or to muster up some laughter, whether sensible or senseless. Of latter days, these no longer excite anymore. That is to say, I have been asleep even when I am not.

Does this normally come with age? Why is that I don't see anyone around me going through the same phase too? I am sadistic/masochistic with myself that I am destructing everything that is supposedly good for me. And guess what? I sort of enjoy it.

I am equally confused as a migrating bird that has fallen out of the flock, soaring directionless in the skies panicking, not wanting to freeze to death and yet, has no idea on how to get to the south. Ten new books on the bookshelf left unread and a dying soul fighting to get back what it has lost. I am no longer a happy girl.

Blame it on romantic movies and insanely in love couples which and whom have the amazing (almost magical) abilities to make anyone feel a tad less secured and a hefty lot lonelier. What are you drinking tonight? A whiskey dry for a heavy week or a martini for a lighter one?

How do people continuously do what they like and not get bored?

2011-09-28T14:32:00.009+08:00

It's so hard to breathe in Singapore. With everyone working/striving/slogging just for that ballast of a steady income, it's painful to see faceless faces which are cracked with bone ashes and remnants of what could have been joy. And this doesn't spare yours truly - me - one who has also become one of such victims to be caught in the clutches of this pair of merciless hands of the society. Even with much avoidance, I have become the typical, the archetypal, the fearful and the cowardice.

A trip to Auckland has made me seen the evident differences between locals and the Kiwis. Kiwis work for passion, and it is most accurate to say, that the government has taken care of the people well, passing down the legislation of minimum wage, granting medical benefits and health insurances so that the people can focus on living their lives the way they want. And as much as the rat-racers would call it laid-back, I prefer to call it a true way to live, with a little bit solace, comfort and time to love even anything that doesn't concern you.

So even if I have to stay in Singapore for a tad longer period, I should jolly well earn what I should be earning, well, what I think I should deserve. I am not thick in the skull, I am proactive and I take pride in almost everything I do (if it excites me, that is).

What I am doing now is for one who's only gotten her/his PSLE. You definitely don't need much brains to run the show. You merely need elementary level grammar which I think kids these days are really blessed to be well-equipped like that. A few bombastic words which you can always thesaurus.com it. And proper sentence-structuring skills. All of which mentioned, everyone ought to be versed that way before the MOE should even decide to pass you your Primary School Leaving Examination Certificate.

A real Boss will casually chat up his employee to find out whether or not she's happy, finds the job suitable, copes and mingles well and provide her guidance and help when warranted. My Bosses - they call themselves the Big Shots, That Level - find their need to demonstrate leadership qualities by being all fastidious about punctuality and punctilious about what taboos you speak of in the office. There is no such thing as a thin fine line between coercive management and laissez faire.The former has dated and does not work with the new age individuals. And quite a blasphemy for most conservative Singapore SMEs I believe, the latter is only seen practiced in MNCs.

It is most unfortunate for such a promising organization to be run by individuals who are pre-war educated, who don't take staff loyalty, job satisfaction, internal customer service and proper planning and execution of perhaps great ideas in their own hands. Wealth does not come overnight. You certainly will not earn loyal employees who are willing to slog it out for you when you don't take their emotional and mental well-being into consideration. "We are not robots," wailed a writer when she was no more than 3 months old with the co., has its very own gravitas ensconced with rich emotions and factual qualities. The acme of success is not within easy reach and Rome certainly wasn't built in a day.

Cooped up in a little dark fetid room that reeks nothing but the old and forgotten, I'm being driven to a corner up against the wall, being offered a tightrope to walk on. But I am no funambulist, I can't thrive and survive in hard times, I crumple, fall and shatter like any other porcelain doll will. I have what it takes to be a successful person but does the world judge you on things you say or things you do/did, that's the lingering question that's as damaging as it is resounding.

2011-08-08T21:15:00.003+08:00

This is the moment of truth.

You may think I ain't high on dope but I am. My mind is smacked.

Simon flipped. He totally lost it. And he fell right on his doorstep only to be caught by his folks. Imagine I having to will this smacked mind of mine into every way I deem right. My metacognition is indeed miraculously strong.

2011-07-27T16:40:00.003+08:00

You know, I have no better means to express the depth of loathe and hatred for my current work and its people. I have no oaths to utter under my breath because it's beyond that.

The fashion editor doesn't even know that Ed Hardy is the sub-line of Christian Audigier. How does one, one like me, not that fantastic and well-versed in the fashion industry, be working for someone like her? Who'd listen to her when she doesn't know what she's saying, doing all the time?

The work, as fetid as one can imagine, puts its staff down, doesn't recognize hard work and talent. They only want people who has no brains but work like dogs. Individuals, my ass. They merely want dogs, cows and livestock. If you guys think it's awesome and fantastic, think again.

I need to look for a job. I am looking for a job. I just want a job which I'll be recognized for my flair in writing, my articles, not because I report at 9:30am sharp every morning and leave at 10pm (this is what they deem as valuable employees), you can pile me with as much work as you want to and I will never utter a sound, know nothing about labels and their designers and get promoted to Editor - woooooooots.

Awesome ain't it?

2011-07-17T22:02:00.005+08:00

–noun

suspension or great diminution of sensibility, as in disease or as caused by narcotics, intoxicants, etc.: He lay there in a drunken stupor.

mental torpor; apathy; stupefaction.

Why do I always have to say/do stupid crazy shit when I'm in this state. I DO NOT think my personality is fucking awesome/perfect FYI! I know I always let my ego/pride get the better of me! Fuck me okay? I am sorry.

ARGH.

Wrecked just a week prior birthday and 2 weeks before Auckland trip. I don't think the word sanity exists in my realm, I don't think anyone is capable of fathoming whatever I do, but this time round, I have done wrong. I have done so wrong, and nothing I do can redeem myself. This is the result of an impromptu act which I was caught unprepared for, which I did not plan and think it through before I took the leap. This is the aftermath of expectations which was unmet, this is the consequence that I am bearing because of words I said in a drunken stupor, this is the crazy thing I do. This is me, nevertheless, so me, typically me. I said I am sorry, but to whom, I am not sure. I hate being on the back of everyone's mind, or just that little corner, or worse, a fading shadow. I hate this. I knew it's going to be a tightrope walk and I just had to do it, I despise myself.

This is how we party - 15/7/2011.

2011-07-17T16:51:00.003+08:00

The Devil Inside

2011-07-02T00:41:00.002+08:00

You know something is not right (again) when you suddenly broke down and bawled uncontrollably with your palms masking your face, and they seem to be the only support you have...

I have a devil inside tonight. He told me to put on my black eyes, scarlet lips, get out, do something I used to do - drunk, wasted, laid, rest a hangover the next day, spent loads of money, and forget about the entire tale when Monday comes - that's how I derived at happiness, that's what I had believed happiness was.

I had a secret deep within me that's untold. I stood 57 stories off ground a few nights ago and the bar played a familiar tune. And as I peered out into the outstretched horizon of city lights, I knew that secret is my poison.

I kissed a gay colleague the French way. He started it first, then I reciprocated. Then I started it again and he reciprocated. I didn't know what I was doing, but I knew that was what I wanted to do. The human touch felt good and I realized I have been neglected for too long.

I want to unleash something in me. Something that was attempted to be murdered, buried and left to fade. Alas, the remnant survived. There are a lot of things that need to be done. The prowl has begun.

Cravings.

2011-06-06T23:04:00.003+08:00

A little older than 25, I have come to terms and acceptance with the way I am born.

I am indeed very taciturn. And even though you may not agree, it's hard for me to really convey my emotions, thoughts and feelings to anyone. I am glad I am a paradox to myself, and perhaps everyone else who has known me for a while. I am a coy exhibitionist of indifference and a misanthrope, I can even say I hate human relationships, I hate being close to anyone else in fact. I may have let you in a little, but the moment I realize you've gone too deep, I'll put up another invisible wall of defense and immediately stop you at where you are. Because I am not good with intimacy, I am never good with showering love. Sometimes, I am not sure if I have the ability to truly love myself.

I have lost faith in relationships. And this is queer because I have a boyfriend whom I want to settle down with, start a family and try to have kids. If playing enigmatic games and conducting experiments are my fortes, this just has got to be the way to find out whether I can establish any form of intimacy towards anyone at all.

I may not know a lot but I can tell you this, I may have reached the stage of life which I envy and feel sorry for the people around me at the same time. When I see them being too devoted to what they feel most in life, I envy their ability to believe and have faith, but at the same time, feel sorry because they've failed to realize that all that they're chasing after will eventually come down to nothing. You may have heard, that there are more to Life than just what you've always believed in, taught to believe in. I've been trying to figure this out, but there is limited wisdom a quarter-centurian can possess.

Some may ask, what's life? For some, it's an endless chase to the top of this societal hierarchy, a wardrobe-full of designer labels, millions in the banks, a vacation house somewhere in the Caribbean, a life of a heiress, socialite, party-animal. What's yours?

I do not wish to comprehend this abyss, but I do know that I came to thee with nothing, and I shalt leave with nothing. I love how the hippies think and live, but I am afraid to follow suit because I have commitments and responsibilities as my Mother's daughter, my Dad's girl, my sisters' sister. And so may I conclude, that we all came to this world with the obligations to live what others are expecting of you, for others.

I have dreamt about the butterflies,

and the gallop of a free horse.

With the winds, the gentle sun

and the smell of grass,

an inevitable rainbow.

I ask of thee,

that you feel me,

do you fathom what I'm whispering?

I may be young,

but not too young to think,

may be old,

not old enough for wisdom.

Life pulls a leg,

a mockery,

and requests that I embark on my own.

2011-05-01T01:31:00.003+08:00

If I love you, how do I tell you I dream of you,

but I do not want to be with you.

And I can't be with you.

But I wonder if you dream of me the same way too?

The Impossibly Happy Ending

2011-04-29T23:26:00.008+08:00

Before the dust finally settles here...

Hi. I am glad I still remember I own this space. This private little space. This private little polymorphous space of mine which I've been keeping for five years. Happy 5th anniversary virtual insanity. To kick off things better... I have to share that I had an abstract piece of mind a few nights ago before sleep. I somehow managed to transform my sanity into somewhat a limbo state, dreaming about the impossibilities or the inevitabilities, fully in control and in a very relaxing motion.

The Impossibly Happy Ending

And so, the plane has touched down. Right before my eyes, I stood in the midst of a crowd. A place no less than a stranger to me, where I finally felt that I stood out conspicuously. The focus was hard to obtain, especially when you are a chinese in white land.

He didn't come to pick me up. So I made my way to Brighton Place in my first Caucasian chauffeur's ride. Oh.. Careless cheap taxi talks, how much I loathe them and how hard it is to avoid them.

What greeted before my eyes was a white house with a brownish red roof, a two and a half kind, where the garage was actually the half floor beneath the two floors.

I sat down in the dining room around the, of course, dining table. The Dentist had shown his hospitality and taken my luggage into his son's room. Now came The Lawyer. The only woman whom I felt intrigued by and obliged to meet and adore. The only woman whom I have heard so much nastiness about, whom I cannot hurl any form of abuse ever known to mankind to even if she starts to get on my nerves. Her eyes were as striking as a python's, screening me naked, shredding every piece of armor I've had on, piercing and most probably venomous. And if this is Hogwarts, she must be a student in Slytherin. Her lips parted... the very first word which came out from that intervening space in between two lumps of wrinkled cocktail sausages, "So..."

Damn.

The Bitch IV

Now we are all familiar with The Bitch. And she is a very prominent part of me which I don't wish to lose. Because we all know, that good guys always finish last, and do not necessarily go to Heaven to chase hopping bunnies or soak in the sun with hues of a rainbow gently beaming down from the clear blue skies.

And if anyone ever reads this space and cries because, yes, so I indeed wrote about you. But try to understand why I did. Because I am too kind to say this in your face, I had to switch on my laptop, log onto fucking blogspot.com in order to make sure I don't forget the experience, the anger, the soreness, and well, because I am a bitch. If no one ever tells you what's wrong with you, you'll never learn, correct? And if you never learn, you will never grow, no? So here goes.

My awesome colleague who's supposedly to be the head of the team, the writing team, does not write well. Well, I cannot say she can't write well, the truth is, she can't. There was an idea between another colleague and I to set up a SMLJ page on facebook to showcase the SMLJ English we have to bear our eyes to everyday. And you know, most of the times, they are motherfucking hilarious, eyesores nonetheless. And the reason why I am angry, upset and tickled or even amused, is that no one knows that she cannot write.

Take what happened today for example.

"Bag is in a prestige condition except for minor scratches..."

/rubbed eyes and affirmed myself I didn't drink. Ctrl F and checked through the entire thing, and realized there were a lot of "Prestige" being used in the same context, in an assortment of writing styles... and almost fell off from chair when 20 matches came on highlighted.

Now, can anyone point out to me what the unpardonable erroneous mistakes are? Let me list down the mistakes. Plural, mind you.

Prestige is a Noun. Prestigious is an Adjective. And in this case, you use an Adjective.
Prestige means reputation arising from success, achievement.

So I discreetly reminded her that the usage of the word was well of course, ma'fucking wrong. And I asked her politely whether she meant "Pristine".

So I waited for ten minutes or a good fifteen. And she finally replied.

"Duh! Of course it's Pristine! I took it from the R09 (history; company's lingo). Thanks for highlighting,"

Now this made my blood boil like the molten lava underneath a dormant volcano because she 'duhed' me.

I have an IQ slightly above average and I know you used the good ten to fifteen minutes to come up with a (in your sense) perfect way to shirk this blame and avoid embarrassing yourself.
You did not check through your work (and you've been the one nagging us to).
If you really did indeed copy and paste from history, enlighten anyone why are there 20 matches of Prestige being used in the same context, in an assortment of writing styles?

If you're handicapped, do not try to sell me your wheelchair and tell me it's a skateboard. Thank you.

A sadist's week.

2011-03-31T23:46:00.003+08:00

Brownie passed on on 4 February 2011
My grandpa passed away last Friday
My youngest sister almost drowned at Redang Island

Tell me not to be paranoid.

Brownie, My Love.

2011-02-06T01:13:00.003+08:00

a blooming flower upon fields of barley,

a sunshine which never fails to make one's day...

and when heaven decided to take you,

they know you're going to make it a better place.

July '2006 - 4th February '2011

wherever you are, you are free.

you'll always be missed dearly.

Chrisma VS Rabbit Year

2011-02-01T00:19:00.002+08:00

Ahh.. Skies been raining hell. Did you just hear the thunder roared "UNSTOPPABLE?!" Now now, how many kills do you have to have before that even appear... I don't even fucking remember.

I am a bitch, officially one big one. Because I have a short fuse and quite a temper. Simon can vouch for this. So screw you if you don't agree with me.

I am going to tell you I need to go for my hip-hop lessons and my DJ-ing lessons. Because I am too cool to be a writer. :O Hahah! Kiddin nah.. insane. I love my job. I seriously do. I honestly do. I do not deny my love and I do not lie. I fucking love my job. Yayyy!

P.S Never knew too much of whiskey chocolate cake can get one tipsy. And screw clubs. Screw those bitches who just know how to hog onto floor space and fucking can't dance. Screw intoxication and screw everyone around me who's younger than me. Or look younger than 23. I am 26 soon and I look like 23, this is depressing. I want to cry.

Week of Insanity.

2011-01-25T22:34:00.002+08:00

I have been dead busy, brimmed busy and yes, madly crazy.

With the last-minute slot-ins of events (each with hefty quantity, mind you) everyone in the office went into a red alert. Gone are the 2-hour long lunch breaks, and unfortunately, no ice-cream trips to Udders ( :( ), and I have seen a significant drop in the number of smoke breaks. Tomorrow is the judgement day; tomorrow shall determine whether or not I get to get a full face threading treat; tomorrow will be the day which we can decide whether or not to release the lever from the panic mode.

Man, I want Ritz Apple Strudel! And tons of ice cream please! Let's go girls! After this saga, let's do our ice cream buffet lunch!

2011-01-11T22:15:00.002+08:00

Dear God,

If technology works for you at wherever you are and I think with the speed of internet, words penned here could reach you faster than a verbal prayer. I know it's hard to locate my voice amongst millions of others', so please, note the IP address.

There is something which I need to tell you, ask you, consult you and seek your kind advice:

I am severely half-hearted in everything I do.

That.

What kind of advice could you possibly give me? Imma try to sleep and hope you'd convey it through dreams.

Thank you!

2011-01-08T13:36:00.002+08:00

Whenever someone tells me that he/she enjoys traveling, I would ask, who doesn't? Unless you have a fear of heights, fear of flying, fear of being confined in a metal container flying fighting against its own weight, on fuel, 600 feet high up in the air. Or perhaps, fear of meeting new people, fear of sitting beside a completely unknown stranger, fear of over-friendly air crew, fear of eating lousy pre-done food, fear of not having enough leg space and the list goes on.

As for me, none of the above mentioned ever bothered me. Because I am a big fan of heights, I am not afraid of meeting new people (I just don't fancy talking a lot unless you are dead interesting to talk to), I am not a fussy eater (well, sometimes I do crave for better), I am really quite short and to confine me within metal for hours, I would call sleep, rest, read, 'me' times to think a lot or to dream a lot, doodle a lot or just observe the surroundings. What normally bugs me is the aftermath of touching down. The pain of trying to bring myself back to whatever surreality I have managed to slip into during the flight. The pain of having to move fast, the pain of having to move actually, the pain of having to fight for your luggage (if there's someone who insists your luggage is actually his and is blind), the pain of queueing for customs clearance. In general, the pain of having to be in reality with a short notice period after having drifted off to somewhere amongst the sea of clouds.

I have never had a great company for travel. I've travelled with two of my ex-boyfriends, flown with Mr Chelsea an ex schoolmate, and Miss Leech who's a long time friend. Nice people all are. But of course, not to my preference. I am sorry if I have offended you here. But what I am trying to say is, I seriously am not afraid of being alone, anywhere and everywhere. In fact, it's nothing but an enjoyment and a route to self-discovery, I would see it.

And for the record, countries which I have been to are a handful - literally. Taiwan, Macau, Zhuhai (just a customs clearance from Macau) oh... darn. That is all. I am not taking in account the states in Malaysia and Batam. This is so embarrassing. None of any countries with rich heritage are being named here. And especially for someone like me who has absolute no interest in Chinese heritage, who is not thrilled by ancient torture chambers, I have only flown to chinese countries.

If I could be a travel-writer, what kind of travel-writer would I be? Would my style be identical to Samantha Brown's? Anthony Bourdain's? Or even Janet Hsieh's? I do not have a gigantic dictionary bank, I do not have the guts to try exotic flavors, I do not have the sociable trait in me which calls everyone a friend, what's worse, I absolutely do not know any other third language. I would say I'd be a quiet one, one who gets too absorbed in the loneliness of things and perhaps what I'd pen down, would be callous, caliginous, and morbid. So this is to say, I will never be a travel writer. Because I certainly do not find a lot of intriguing factor in a lot of things.

2011-01-07T00:15:00.004+08:00

I am in a nympholepsy to have found "Come On Eileen" by Dexy's Midnight Runner And The Emerald Express (what a long name for an artiste) and have been playing it for the umpteenth time now. Why I adore this, is that it trickles this nostalgic feeling of youth, something which can never be vividly recalled now. It's not too distant, but neither anywhere near. However whatsoever, the most common conversation at work which you can find my name being mentioned a couple of times or more, is that how I don't look my age. Younger, thank you. And don't hate me cause everyone is starting to notice those subtle (or coarse) lines along the corners of your eyes, or when you frown.

Write - writing is a passion. To be able to write is a dream. To be writing countless products which errr, well, dances to and fro to the same tempo and progression - humdrum. Humdrum is definitely not a set of drums and neither does it mean drumbeats. I was sarcastically reminded not to use big words every so often this afternoon which seriously had me doubted my indifference. Maybe when I start to replace "happy" with "supercalifragilisticexpialidocious" whenever one asks how I'm feeling and only until then, I can assure you I have "dictionary" as an app on my iPhone and it's bookmarked on my browser and it's always around whenever I need to do a little writing here and there.

So I told Simon I need a spiritual guru cause I'm starting to think the world hates the world. And the world thinks its problem is the world. And that the problems from Venus, Mars or Pluto are of no concern to the world. But the world wants Venus, Mars and Pluto to hear her out. But Venus can only provide a listening ear, Mars can only offer solutions and Pluto can only gives her opinionated advice.

Okay, I am lost here. I don't want to write anymore. I need a voice, really.

I Remember.

2010-12-15T23:03:00.006+08:00

The rain, which scurried here and left in a haste,
etched trails on streets rid of secret sins,
immaculate droplets on trees.
A palingenesis I see.

Despite having had my fingers glued to my laptop for almost the entire day, I have this sudden urge of expression.

Ahem.

A downpour of rain came so abruptly like millions of heavy weights free falling from the crimson skies. For this subconscious mind of mine, I yearn to be heard loud and clear. So bold I want to be rambunctious and stand up on my desk and scream. But on much contradicting note, the conscious mind wants to be alone because I am a solipsist and I totally enjoy indulging in my solitude.

Monotony doesn't necessarily mean routine. In my very much opinionated sense, if you are able to anticipate almost every move one's going to make, every word uttered under breath or through the gaps intervening teeth, it is my monotony. Perhaps I am so self-centered to such extent that everything which is of no interest to me, I regard them as ennui. Where do I seek an alienated mind to entice, to bring forth a rapture to my heart?

Simon is going to be five hours ahead of me in another week's time. I don't feel the Christmas spirits at all now that he's going back to NZ. Who's going to accentuate Christmas this year? Please enthrall me.

goodbye desmond,

goodbye club21,

goodbye dkny-ers,

goodbye Chrissy'10.

I can neither remain on a stasis nor be accepting of unfamiliarity. Alas, goodbyes to all whom I've loved in 2010.

2010-12-05T01:42:00.003+08:00

I've moved on to my new job.

First day was great. Besides getting to know everyone, the day has been packed with typing... and endless typing. There are only 5 of us in my team including myself - three really experienced ones and another new mate is joining us on this coming Monday. Really nice people! I think I must have been a lil too quiet. Well, I would have to admit this but who would believe? I'm really shy. My laptop isn't here yet; I would have to be stuck with mine for close to a month. And I'm receiving a macbook/pro/air. Currently, I have no stationery on my desk. Sucks.

I miss Simon. He's been really busy doing up this event for the opening of an overseas bank for the past three days. And I think he's a terrific person! He is capable of producing results which I don't think I would be. I hope his job hunt would do him some justice soon.

For the Almighty One, thanks for watching my back. =)

The Eve.

2010-12-02T22:43:00.001+08:00

Don't laugh at me, I went for a fortune telling session this morning with Dawn. I am supposed to be incapable of working for the rest of my life; Master (shi fu) had said that whatever I'm going to do, I am not going to be happy. A very wise piece of advice on the eve of work.

Tomorrow is the day which I've been dreaming of. At the sudden request of reebonz, my date of commencement has been brought forward to the 3rd instead of the agreed 8th. Because they have so many events coming up and is seriously short of manpower. Since I am bumming at home, starting work on a Friday sounds ok. But this TGIF is making my heart beat a little faster. I have a good hunch I will be rushing to meet deadlines throughout the weekend.

While having coffee with Simon this evening, I asked him, "Babe, am I really good enough? Why do I feel that I am not good enough now that I've got the job?"

"This is not the right time to be thinking whether or not you are good enough! It's time for you to be thinking about how to live up."

"Why do I feel so lousy about myself suddenly?"

"They hired you. If you aren't good enough, why would they?"

"Perhaps because I am good at acting and bragging to others how good I am?"

Can I pray to God still when I just went to a chinese fortune teller?

My Concerns.

2010-11-29T00:05:00.004+08:00

Finally, a breakthrough! What seemed like a very exciting proposal dawns into a series of concerns, worries, and of course, the meter in the stress level bar hits a half ding-dong!

Am joining Reebonz as their fashion writer. How glamourous and how nice! It is definitely one of the many which I have been dreaming to do. I've been checking out their website every day and have been trying to apprehend their writing style and in hope of getting a better grip of it. Psst. Am I really good enough?

Work is commencing on the 8th because they are in the midst of shifting and are setting up my laptop. Hmmm. Will be at Paya Lebar (Tai Seng to be exact). So peeps who are reading this and happen to work around this area, we could do a meet up!

2010-11-11T01:02:00.002+08:00

I have a lot to say. But from where do I begin? I have no idea. As queer as the weather these days, from the never-ending splatter of rain on my window panes to the sudden outburst of blinding sun rays, the tidal waves inside began to roar again. With age, I have become greedier. I am no longer able to seek complacency from things which used to complete, or seemed to.

Life still daunts. The thought of living it makes me want to hide under my covers. It's a whole lot of stress chasing pavements, yet I know I have to advance. Is this, my life, meant to be savored this way?

2010-10-24T01:30:00.002+08:00

16th September 2010,

I became S's.

Still am.

And I'm glad.

Because I haven't felt this way for a long time.

In fact, better.

2010-10-02T22:23:00.004+08:00

Incidents of new embarkments happen all the times. It is fear which nevertheless, never fails to prevent us, the ourselves from taking first steps when how ironically this is, after all our very own life journey. How we can be such hinderance to ourselves, and who we really want to be.

We could pretend we do indeed own everything. And so often, I feel that this 'everything' which manage to get me by through each day, is as hollow as a bone. I wasn't created to care a great deal about a lot of things, and yet this armor of normality just needs me to.

Having to leave again suggests such unspoken pain of leaving behind yet a few relationships I've established in the recent couple of years. I might just turn back and look on from a distance, wondering about the 'what ifs' and start pinning yearns. Or I might just leave without ever turning back to look at this long shadow which trails silently behind. I really do appreciate the so much everyone has given me, the routes which I've been guided to follow. And through guidance, I've managed to emerge as someone stronger and wiser. This is something priceless.

I do not ever wish to look back, and realized that on the 26th year of life, I haven't been able to achieve something greater.

I hate you, mother. Because you are so weak, and I'm strong, I will never succumb to your way of life. I will never ever be the person you want me to be. And I assure you I will never ever become you. If you don't respect others, no one will to you.

2010-09-13T02:37:00.001+08:00

pears and dreams with t rex.

2010-09-09T23:18:00.000+08:00

"don't be mad at me.."

LMAO!

2010-09-02T02:28:00.002+08:00

pray tonight,

there'd be a rainbow

carrying a shooting star,

so you can make a wish upon.

2010-08-30T01:42:00.002+08:00

I was involved in a road accident last night.

No, I didn't fly.

No, it wasn't Ain's fault.

No, my iPhone 4 survived.

Yes, I'm typing this in Hell.

The sky's the limit.

2010-08-26T00:27:00.003+08:00

My name is Chrisma.

I didn't just happen to have this name out of pure coincidence.

Nor did I give it to myself.

I was born with it.

And no way am I going to die, just like anybody - a nobody.

I want to leap onto the moon.

2010-08-23T23:11:00.005+08:00

I've decided to rid the butterflies because I somehow don't really feel comfortable with them.

Yet another day of humdrum existence. I have been living a monotony for the entire day. Nothing seems to thrill or send a upbeat to my insides. I woke up as commanded by my bio clock. And besides reading up a little, watching Nat Geo a little, did the laundry, I had let today while itself away like it should. A few too many times, I've dozed off on the couch. Only to be awaken to nothingness again. As stoic as it is, this is never a cup of my tea.

Thought of going out alone to take some pictures. But with the weather pouring and all, staying indoors seems like the clearer better option.

Doesn't my life revolve around something else besides work, guinea pigs, books, lomography, booze, family and friends? I am so inadequate! Something is missing. My mojo is! I need to work on a change. Any adoption of another attitude is good. I just need a breakthrough.

I dislike this feeling of a walking dead. My jokes are getting colder, everyone around me is boring me one way or another. Meeting repetitive people and talking repetitive talks. "I think I need a boyfriend Dawn." "No, you don't. You just need to go out with your friends." Is this true? That after hanging out with someone for quite some time, both of you somewhat drain yourselves out of topics? And the only common topics which used to hold both together will eventually evolve to differences which will inevitably intervene both? Ideas and opinions are such tricky businesses. Especially when obstinacy and adamance play such omnipresent parts.

As I age, why does it seem tougher than before, to get closer to someone? Could a guarded heart be the cause? Could naiveness be a fundament to trusting? Is it impossible for all to take me as guilelessly as they could because I am quite aware that if I bestow you my friendship, I am never too selfish on my sincerity. Then again, do not reproach me for not being trusting, because being trusting and sincere are two wholly different matters.

2010-08-22T00:14:00.005+08:00

I want to be mean and it's because I didn't win the first prize from last night's dinner and dance!

First prize: 4 days 3 nights stay at Cocoa Island , 2 return air tickets, and 3000 dollars.

And the winner is some S pass holder from China.

WTF! Not that I'm mean! But!!! Cocoa island leh! The three thousand dollars may not be enough to see through the entire trip and I think she most probably will sell the prize loh! And!!! I don't think she can communicate with the people there loh! ARGH!

But say if I really got it, who should I bring? I think everyone around me would be hailing me queen and what a good feeling it will be. /giggles Dad? Mom? Share one bungalow? No.... Yvonne? Boring because we are both girls. Lol. Run a story telling contest to determine the winner. BUT WAKE UP CHRISMA, IT'S NOT FUGGING YOURS!

:( And why didn't I win anything from last night?! =((((((

Handsome and only 17. Geez, I look old!

Baby Ain always wanting to kiss me.

Miss Benzon looking very pretty.

Mama @ work!

Eye candy no. 2! :D

2010-08-11T02:06:00.002+08:00

"...all of the world's misfortunes stemmed from the countless untruths, both deliberate and unintentional, which people told because of haste and carelessness."

You,

me,

how special could we be,

if we hadn't got you and me.

Glee

2010-08-07T01:52:00.004+08:00

I don't watch tv. So when I said a serial is good, it means it's damn good. And it has to be Glee. I ain't even this mad over South Park. Why I love Glee:

There's someone whom I would really want for a boyfriend - Puck (Mark Salling)
There's lotsa dancing
There's lotsa singing
There's music (All genres and it's awesome!)
It ain't draggy
It makes me laugh
It makes me cry (especially so bad, when they didn't win sectionals)

And now I couldn't imagine one night without watching a new episode of Glee. So while waiting for season 2 to be out, I am going to re-watch season 1.

2010-08-06T03:18:00.003+08:00

This is called the Glee Syndrome. Everyday, fucking four hours of sleep. And super hectic work schedule with absolutely no time for a breather. Now they are asking me to Butter Factory. God.

Why am I getting so popular these days? Lol.

2010-08-02T22:44:00.002+08:00

"You know what I'm looking forward to? My so very hot next boyfriend, with a bod as crazy as Salling's, romantic, smooth, intelligent, deep, funny, and the crazy sex we're going to have. Lol."

2010-08-02T00:06:00.003+08:00

Neon lights, tell me about it someone.

I reckon Movida is the only place where you can find practically everyone there, all ethnic groups, men and women from all sizes, heights, with different body odour. Most of them smell like shat there. Standing in front of the bar at the back, I felt like I was having a graphic motion picture of a circus, with clowns not in their usual outfits and wigs. But nevertheless, funny, hilarious and tummy rumbling. One girl danced as if she has got ants on her body. So I laughed, and I kept laughing.

I was wearing sandals with a tee layered with a sheer dress looking thing and so were the other girls wearing sandals. We were not dressed up for clubs, but thank god, we all have gotten a pretty face, the counter staff decided to let us in. Now, that's not true.

We tried to re enter at Powerhouse. It was a shittish feeling because everyone around us looked as if they were barely legal. Youngsters around, doing things I used to do, talking on top of their lungs, sleeping outside the entrance, quarreling, blah blah blah. Then, we gave up on the never moving queue because I didn't manage to see any Mark Salling lookalike. And went back to Movida, the place for the old and the fucked up clubbers.

We parked at the round bar adjacent to the entrance, this short and stout humpty dumpty came up to me and asked me for a dance, I shoved him away by doing such a rude gesture that upon the recollection of it now, I think I could have been slapped across the face. No, I didn't gave him the finger, put your right hand in front of you, pretend you're shoving someone away. That's that. And fuck the crowd, for dancing so badly. This group of chinese girls who went up to the stage just to scream and bent a little should be tied to the trees outside.

Movida, you suck. I have no idea why your clubbers seem to have more trouble coordinating their arms and legs together than wherever I've seem em from. I really can't seem to find someone who's at least a decent groover. And I thank God for being so unfair to em, because he made me someone who's a ownage at dancing. I thank God for giving me such a great voice too. I thank God for giving me straight hair, decent facial features, and I thank God for not making me stupid. Okay, since these are what I can list down about myself, which I nevertheless think they should rightfully belong to a category which I believed it's called "pros", I strongly believe I'm going to grow old and die alone.

How I got fucked today? The moment I got onto the train, I started reading, and strapped on my iPod. The moment realization struck, I was at Bishan. From Orchard to Cityhall, then from Cityhall back to the Orchard route again. Fugged. Fugged x570284707 times. How cock can I get.

I'm still waiting for my confirmation letter from M1. Where the fuck is my iPhone?

Mark Salling

2010-07-28T23:11:00.002+08:00

If you look like this, and you can/are:

Sing,

Dance,

Very Intelligent,

Speaks good english,

I WANT YOU!

Great Expectations.

2010-07-28T21:11:00.005+08:00

Equipped with nothingness on hands except for time, I'm attempting to write something of absolute surrealism which of course, makes no sense, to some that is.

When the rain came almost abruptly this early morning, strong winds were howling at their loudest. And like a romantic, I stood where I stood, when everyone was fast asleep, I lit up a cigarette in the midst of it all. I felt the winds vigorously sweeping through the gaps of my fingers, every strand of my hair. I felt complacent at the thought of the sight of me standing under the sky before it rained. The crimson skies on me, my feet on the ground, everything which I was unsure of myself came to a realization again. That me, was such a love, and I do love myself, and it's not anyone's fault that they don't, because they do not know me. Or perhaps, like what some has said, that I'm too hard to fathom in order to be loved. I will not forget this moment.

The almost touching lips, you could have been much more than a dream. Alas, you are a reality, but a reality which I could not hold onto. Because my ticking minutes are precious, and we do not and won't walk well on each's path. So I have to bid you goodbye here, once again. Let it be another three years if it shall cost. Your simplicity interests me, at the same time, it bores me. I can't understand the complexity within your portray of simplicity. That, I do not say you are not bright. That I meant, perhaps not my field of studies, neither my league to love. I didn't wish to kiss you, because I was unsure what would have come after just one kiss. I need someone more, someone whom quite a lot thinks like me, functions more logically than me. That I've yet to known any, who is capable of protecting myself from me.

I feel as if I have so much to do, on a more noble note for this world instead, all the times.

Very so often, the life of an artist is short-lived. Their emotions were often over intense that loving themselves evolved to a submission to their own fantasies and indulgence in their own emotions - narcissism, depression, rather than caring for their basic needs - the human touch with people, behaving like a normal moral being, and think like one.

You can always read me like a book, but I would never tell you that to completely understand this book, you would have to observe the spine first. That again, is perhaps another forte of mine, lying.

2010-07-27T23:56:00.002+08:00

I want to dress up for the winter;

and listen to the silence,

where snowflakes fall on a hot stove,

in a whim, it burns,

-alluring.

Perfect.

2010-07-26T23:33:00.002+08:00

My solitude is perfect.

When I'm alone,

just being me,

shines.

At least, that's what I think.

Swampies.

2010-07-25T22:39:00.006+08:00

In such a developed society today, which I can blindly say everyone has his or her own means to make their own living (even r-tards paint Christmas cards), there's always a leech wherever we go. Look around your circle of friends, who are the leeches? And how have they leeched you? How have they claimed appreciation of this friendship but continue to do things to hurt you? The worse part is, they can even try to turn tables around and accuse you of not appreciating them.

I'm upset the way things are. But I can't tolerate this anymore. Ever since adolescence, I have been putting up with the small amounts of loose change from shared midnight cab rides, to the excuses of not having small notes and etc. I'm not blind, neither am I stupid. This is an ongoing process for more than ten years, and this time round, I will not step back without putting up a fight.

Courtesy from Google, some forums, and pardon these people for their sub standard English structure.

"...when we go out to eat somewhere he'll never have any cash on him, knowing very well that the place where we go doesn't accept bank cards and also knowing there's no ATM near. He just expects us to pay for his food, tells us he'll get it back but he never does..."

This will hurt if you're ever reading, but if this is how you might be able to see where we are coming from, then this is how it is going to be.

Don't mention about the years when we used to go clubbing a lot of times together before we turned 18. Let's just bring up the recent cases.

On my 21st birthday celebration cum a house warming party, you brought absolutely nothing to my party. And I gave you your birthday present when it's my birthday party. I know you gave me a shopping spree after which, but it was because I made you do so, and it was two years later.
On my farewell pot luck party before I left for Macau, I had to make you go down to my nearest food centre to get something.
Sometimes, I feel that you even want to leech our boyfriends.
When we dine, you always cash in lesser than what you ordered, don't forget the GST, and service charge.
The Lola ring incident, if I'm kind enough to inform you that I could get you 15% off, why do you have to trouble me to sneak out during my work and risk getting caught, just to get it for you? Why do you even have to bargain on the meeting time and expect me to compromise to your demands when I was the one who thought of you first when I knew I could get a discount?

As I'm thinking of all these, I actually do feel very sorry. We know you need to pay off your school fees, but don't we need to pay off our bills too? I don't know how things work for you and your other cliques, but both of us really feel total unappreciated. And do believe that you aren't like this towards your other friends.

Carpe Diem.

2010-07-24T12:06:00.005+08:00

One thought which came to my mind this morning was, "Fuck, I think I ran out of cigarettes". I seriously have no idea how I managed to pull through a month (I give credit to my inner strength) of not smoking. Smokers are cool people, because we do not actually use the fact that we're non-smokers and feel a hypothetical superiority over smokers. That's for you the non-smokers and always kpkb-ing about us, smokers. We are paying more taxes than you, so shut the fuck up. Below is a list of activities which I strongly feel cigarettes should always play a part in.

Clubbing

How can you drink and not smoke at the same time? Have you ever seen someone sipping vodka and running on a threadmill simultaneously?

Coffee

The another which I cannot fathom why cigarettes shouldn't be involved. How the fuck do you sit around starbucks all day with one or two friends, yakking non stop and not smoke? Don't go telling me how the coffee and cigarettes are going to stain your teeth. Because as of now, my teeth are so pretty and white compared to most of the non smokers around me. What I'm trying to convey is, if you happen to be a little aesthetically handicapped inside your mouth and you aren't a smoker, then you should really reflect.

Mugging

Enough said, I would rather be smoking while mugging than to feast on snacks.

After sex

This is crucial - the first smoke after you got your orgasm. This is ritualistic because nicotine has the ability to calm your nerves down. Or if your partner behaves like a dead fish on bed, having a smoke after, gives you 10 minutes to decide whether or not to dump her.

Suntanning

The sun, the sand, the sea, the ice cold beer, the cigarettes. Enough said.

Does not smoking actually makes one healthier? Is smoking really associated with cancerous diseases? I have so many relatives who passed on because of some cancer shit, and they don't smoke. Not smoking doesn't actually prolong your life and not all who died of cancer smokes. If you're fucked up, not smoking does not make you any better.

I am not trying to be discouraging if you're quitting smoking. For the non-smokers who accepted the way we smokers choose to lead our own damn lives, you're just alright the way you are. Don't be some cultural baby and go around dissing the smokers. And for the globe lovers, don't go around disseminating that smoking does aid on the damaging of the ozone layer. This is fucking hilarious. Please compare the size of a fucking stick to one industrial chimney. I use a recycle bag whenever I shop and I smoke, what does it make me?

Now a note to us, the smokers. Don't be rude and go blow in someone's face. I assure you that the only blow which won't piss them off, is a blowjob. Please stay pretty while smoking, don't go behave like some lousy ah lians. Please refer to Audrey Hepburn in Breakfast at Tiffany's. Do not act cool and flick butts wherever you go please. How I remain fine-free till now? I play by the rules.

Life is really short to be refraining from everything. You would never know when a major flood decided to hit Singapore and kill all of us. Why can't we all live the way we want for ourselves and quit being cultural-fed? =)

*chrissy is 25, and she has been smoking for 12 years. An average of 7 sticks per day, she still has her teeth intact, white and very nice. She has no wrinkles yet. Her fingernails are always very pretty because she bothers to take care of them. As for her lungs, they are still proven to be functioning quite properly whenever she hits the dance-floor. If you have never seen the way she dance, you can ask around.

Today.

2010-07-21T23:15:00.003+08:00

I couldn't sleep last night. Anger made me a weaker person. I couldn't think straight, and I woke up feeling worse than a carcass. So I texted Bronte something rather generalised on myself, and he was impartial. I don't like the way I am when I'm angry, and neither do I fancy being a hater. It doesn't matter how the fug the world functions, as long as I remain immaculate towards myself. I shouldn't even mind what meaningless passing phases are doing to me. I have great friends around me, who still are standing by, through my drizzles, storms, or sunny beaches.

This birthday, be safe, warm, and true to yourself Chrisma.

P.S Breathe.

P.P.S More tiffanies please. lol

2010-07-21T01:12:00.003+08:00

I feel really sorry for every nasty I've said.

Before I deleted every fucking photo of yours, I had this epiphany.

It really hurts me to hurt you this way, but because this is how you hurt me, I will cut myself just to make you bleed.

Basement Jaxx - Romeo

2010-07-20T22:55:00.003+08:00

/totally adore this song.

All The Above.

2010-07-19T23:09:00.005+08:00

I'm going to get back to what I was before, and even better this time around.

So I've decided, to join California Fitness!

Just watch how I'm going to transform to such splendor that if you look at me, you would even feel like crying. Okay. Perhaps this is exaggerating, just let me, hush!

This fitness consultant (who was kinda hot himself) told me I still look great now! =D (of course please!)

Bye bye chocolates, ben & jerry's and cheezels! Hello, me, lotsa honeys and money! I won't even care how empty I might feel at the end of every night, why should I if it's a Chanel I'm hugging to sleep?

So just let the losers be amongst the losers, I shan't even bother or give a second look.

Notes for the day

"She looks as if someone just shat on her face." - Dylan *I laughed out loud*

"Is your bf dead already?" -Aisha Reds *very*

And which bitch? Me. I'm the bitch you should be afraid of. Because when I'm determined to do something, I go all out to achieve it, whichever way at my convenience.

This is my ego, and I'm letting it speaks, for now and as long as you would remember me.

2010-07-17T00:05:00.002+08:00

"There's something different about you now."

"Age, I guess. Stopped competing with the super hot chicks."

Ahhh...

Maybe it's time to shine again. ;)

Just revert to three years back, and perhaps I will have the whole world again.

If I give myself what I want,

I will be different.

I know.

Attacked.

2010-07-10T18:01:00.004+08:00

Behind this beautiful mask, is perhaps a wrecked mind, which needs help but too afraid to seek.

seeing stars oh so glittery,

like shame filled with glisten

flutter around the wings of a butterfly,

that's a beautiful mind for you

say its beautiful but fucked up,

but if it wasn't, how do you see it as beauty

if every is just of norm

is this how beauty should stand out

we, the strangers dance by the killing moon

falling into danger now and so often

we, who let our hearts be opened,

let you in it, makes it solvent

kills me blindly,

makes me breathless

makes me see stars

and want to love you more than ever.

New Born.

2010-07-05T22:18:00.005+08:00

I had a rather queer conversation with someone whom I don't really know. I do not mean I am anti social or stuck up (perhaps, most of the times) but it's really queer because I do not understand why would someone even want to make such minor effort over me, which is a nobody as of right now.

"Which are you more comfortable with, English or Chinese?"

"I do both."

"No no, you tell me which one. So it's easier for me to converse with you in the future."

(in my mind, "hmm? we hardly ever need to talk actually.")

"I really am okay with both. -smiles-"

Actually, more English than Chinese, really.

Okay. Dylan says he's going to get me a birthday present and I shan't even tell him what to do.

Let's just see! Don't even think of running! I will chase!

Summerboy.

2010-07-04T23:21:00.003+08:00

Is my life a screw up still? Say, apart from sleeping around, sleeping behind one's back, apart from the druggies, apart from senseless drinking, why do I feel that it's still inadequate? I'm striving to attain another level higher when I know this level is going to leave me craving for more. In fact, greedier than ever. Is there anything wrong with my moral upbringing? Or is it just in me? Tsk. Something to reflect on. Something is wrong with me, must be.

I have an ego loud enough to be seen, and a void not vivid enough to be understood.

Why are the summer rainy?

And the December sunny?

But it's all good,

because I adore the weather.

As much as December

when it's not sunny.

2010-07-04T21:52:00.006+08:00

Last year's,

thank you des.

This year's,

Thank you, me.

Smoke Bubbles.

2010-07-03T20:50:00.005+08:00

I bought a new Marc by Marc Jacobs bag today! Yay! Everyone loves MJ!

I just discovered recently that I've got another fan. Okay, carry on reading and try to figure me out. =p I can even share some fashion tips with you. Okay, everyone loves looking good, don't we?

Texted Bennett yesterday, and I think he's really puzzled now. DG, let's hang out soon!

I need to see Nichol before he flies off, Yvonne for my birthday celebration, Bennett because we haven't seen each other for so damn long, who else?

REMINDER: CHRISSY'S BIRTHDAY IS ON 23RD JULY

Sofea: "Chrisma, don't turn around. That guy is checking you out."

Chrisma: "Hmm? Really? You do mean that cute guy?"

Sofea: "Yeah. Let him check you out."

Cute lil thang, you've checked me out. So...?

Should I or should I not, Attica on 7th? Anyone's heading? Lemme know yo!?

Today, missed a lil of DW2 for his Paul Smith's flavour.

Everyone loves Chrissy! :)

I love Fashion!

2010-07-03T00:41:00.003+08:00

Latest prized collection:

Denim Bomber Jacket (intends to wear with leggings, Shasha suggests white shorts)

Skull scarf vest (goes with ANYTHING!)

Yay! Basement Jaxx for the fashion you!

2010-07-02T01:50:00.004+08:00

One person told me that I'm a lambo, argumentatively, someone prefers me to be a vintage VW beetle. I'm either a tramp or a prude. Paradox indeed.

For the record, I have managed to pay off my credit card bills and mobile's. Not to mention, my monthly contribution to the household, and guess what? I realize I still have some money for the air ticket to BKK in October! Please babes, let us settle the air tickets before I start shopping again. It's really agonizing for me to reject the urge to step into Zara. This year's E.O.S shall be the first which I do not buy anything from Marc by Marc Jacobs. But how about the navy blue dress which I really fancy from us? How about the bag from Kate Spade? Birthday presents anyone please?

Am going shopping with the beauties tomorrow to guess where? Far East Plaza. How unlikely! But if this is the only way which we can shop to satisfy our desires to own more, then let this be the only place where we shop at. Thank God and Amen.

I'm going for a new change, which is, I shan't pile up more clothes to even attempt to snap my clothes rack now. Like what mom had commented, I have only one body, two boobs, one week has only seven days, and I'm not a caterpillar, why is that I have so many clothes and shoes? Hmm... Perhaps I shall start splurging on bags instead.

Now let's do a quick run,

Marc Jacobs pouch
Marc by Marc Jacobs sling bag (Miss Marc - courtesy of Desmond Wai)
Marc by Marc Jacobs (small tote)
2 Longchamp le pliage
Marina Rinaldi (cruise bag)
DKNY canvas (beach bag, which is really dirty now)
DKNY clutch (which is oh so Valentino)
2 from Diesel
Goyard (psst)
Marni
D&G (oh so punk rocker sling)
Club Monacco (patent leather document bag)

Okay, perhaps not.

Blue Monday.

2010-07-01T01:40:00.004+08:00

A rapture of thoughts propelled me to even start this but it's not a cakewalk to piece every fragments of broken emotions together as of right now. So just bear with me, and read me as much as you can.

Rain, come. Because you're silently beautiful in your own way. And I need your beauty to do me grace tonight.

If life is about a series of counting downs, I wonder whether am I counting down to the end of a span of misery or happiness. What I've learnt through a series of unfortunate events and misfortunes which managed to befall on people around me, is that putting on a brave front most of the times make me a happier person. Vexatious it is, alas, what do I do? I emailed Nichol my concerns, and he told me that being thoroughly immersed in it, he enjoys the feeling. Should I address this as a pretense? Or would it be an act of strength? I don't know, and all I know, is I don't care.

I love my hobby. I love toys in some sense. And the upkeep of it is sure not cost effective. If it's a miserable amount of money to spend monthly in exchange for my tiny pangs of happiness, I don't see any reason why I should disapprove of myself. At least when I'm fully into it, I know I am complacent for that moment.

Rain. You are approaching, I hear you. Why won't you do me some grace?

I can't think. And I don't wish to. The only thing which I should most probably think right now, is how to make myself so desirable, that even a blind could tell my ugly from my beauty. I do not lie, we are in love with our own sins most of the times.

I want to rant!

2010-06-29T22:37:00.004+08:00

This is it! ENOUGH!

One more time.

2010-06-26T20:41:00.005+08:00

I'm such a good friend I only emailed Nichol one week after his birthday.

I finally finished my first roll today! And shame to LSM for even asking me how are the photos.

I love Ann Siang Road! And this little park in the midst of everything, out of nowhere. I saw people taking photos of their Blythe Dolls and it reminded me of someone :(.

Dear God, why is there a pin on my heart?

One main omnipresent concern with moving forward has to be fear. Another beginning of a new phase will suggest necessarily adjustments and not to mention, changes. A whirlwind which changes direction, most of the times, we find ourselves caught and lost in it. At night when everything is all quiet and dark, we find ourselves sleeping to the ghost of whoever once slept beside - a haunting indeed.

2010-06-26T02:05:00.001+08:00

Ugly girl smoking hatred in her fabulous

Superhero Me. Part II.

2010-06-21T00:13:00.004+08:00

I read a book today on why most of our emotional distress are often associated with our past experiences, good and bad. How can a dissonance possibly be the aftermath of a good past experience? Probably, the reason why such unrest exists, is because we are trying so hard to live up to what took place before, or even to make the current situation seems better than before. As a matter of fact, we just like to make comparisons, consciously or subconsciously.

Superhero me, understand how my mental landscape even came to this form today, and proudly admit that this evolution took place because of a more than shameful past which I am trying hard to bury. To bury the fact that I dropped out of school young, I bury my head in books. To bury the fact that I was careless with hearts or my heart, I instill traditional moral values into myself. But no matter how deep a grave I dig, the bones just couldn't be concealed from my own eyes. There are indeed people whom I know, at their forties, still folly. We all have a handful of such people around us. I guess it's really difficult to tell yourself and everyone that you're not as good as you've claimed yourself to be. I guess it's just not human nature to admit to your own flaws.

Why am I shirking blame onto what which cannot be undone? This is me now, and if I claim to be so wide-eyed on my shortcomings, I should all the more put my best foot forward to change for the better. My boyfriend was right. I'm not receptive of others' opinions of me which are often quite factual. I live my aggression on my sleeves. When I hear things I don't wish to hear, I ignite into a fireball, and burn everyone in its path, uncontrollably, knowingly and unknowingly. I need to nurture my emotions, and try to be clear headed at all times. And stop myself from hurting those who care about me, those who love me.

I told a colleague of mine, that I really empathize with whichever way she's feeling now, because we are so alike in characters.

Chrisma: "It can be tiring to be 'strong' all the time eh?"

Ain: "Yes."

Chrisma: "We are so cruel to ourselves because we bother to live up to everyone's expectations, and most oftenly, forgot that we've gone out of our own limits. When the times come for me to fall, I break right back into my threshold and from there, try to work my way up again."

I have this theory that if we're told we're bad

Then that's the only idea we'll ever have

But maybe if we are surrounded in beauty
Someday we will become what we see
'Cause anyone can start a conflict
it's harder yet to disregard it
I'd rather see the world from another angle
We are everyday angels
Be careful with me 'cause I'd like to stay that way

Jewel - I'm Sensitive

-

Memoirs of a narcissist - LSM.

流氓兔 says (1:11 AM):
if I die, e solar sys will just collapse

HAHAHAHA!

Superhero Me.

2010-06-20T23:25:00.004+08:00

I'm duper lazy to dress up these days. I've been throwing on anything which first caught my eyes the moment I opened up my closet for the past few days. And why is it that I've been buying new clothes every month, without fail (mind you), and it seems to me that I'm always running out of stuffs to wear? Not only that, shoes, even. I have perhaps close to or more than fifty pairs of shoes, and it seems like they are never enough! A pair for whichever occasion or whichever outfit! So I went online and found this:

The blue and the nude look hot. Should I even think of buying another pair? When I have more than five pairs of shoes, left untouched, sitting nicely in my shoe cabinet?

I then went on to Zana, Garbage Dress, in hope to get some inspiration for what to wear tomorrow. It evolved to my stumble upon this website and I found this really, really me:

Sighs, wtfucka. And look at this:

Cute eh? It's actually a pair of leggings which gives you the illusion you're actually wearing only a pair of smoothies. Smoothies, yes, in other words, biker shorts. Thanks Reds for filling me out the other day.

/whines and makes a lot of noises

Vanilla Twilight

2010-06-18T15:41:00.006+08:00

"No dignity and no pride. All she's left with is a psychotic mind that needs some real help. She can make him do many things, but one thing she cannot do, is make him tell her he loves her - without lying." -Lorraine

I stole the above from Lorraine's blog. Oh god, I'm such a thief. I think I stole a little of everyone's freedom, as being accused today. Apparently, this world is full of crazies. And I perhaps, happen to be one of them.

Today is a motherfucking Friday. Because it is going to be another day of staying at home, even though I don't have to work. And as of right now, the men around me, are a bunch of bores without much intellectual stimulation. So typical are them, I would rather talk to the wall or hang myself by the window.

The weather today is so beautiful. And sadly, Melvin has to book in for his guard duty - no possibilities of finishing my first roll. LSM assured me that films do decompose.

Faith.

2010-06-14T01:28:00.002+08:00

I don't care where we'd end up;

I just know I want to go there with you.

And begin again.

Nat King Cole.

2010-06-13T02:03:00.004+08:00

Does your reality make you someone whole? Or does it make you lesser than complete? Mine's slowly killing me. Which is why, I'm always choosing to close my eyes. For if I can't see, I should be able to keep myself alive.

Someone has once told me, that I'm too true to myself that it hurts him. Or more or less like that, I couldn't remember clearly enough. Does anyone really come close to feeling my bones? Do I even need to waste my time on any other skeletal? When your spine is just as good as his/her spine.

How is it possible for a 25 year old to be liking Nat King Cole? The vinyl, the old records, the holga camera, and everything in retrospection? Because in the sixties and seventies, everyone around you feel like humans. Passionate about lives, love and lust. Lust, you heard me, at least they weren't denying it.

I've been mad reading, the more I do, the more my heart aches. It was bittersweet and I couldn't explain it. So at loss I am for words, that I feel like crying. I had thought of writing a long letter to Andy, but do I really have to? Does anyone enjoy receiving letters these days? It was so intense, that it's melancholic and I'm turning sadistic. So much that it hurts, how do I even let you fathom it? Or are you able to?

I couldn't be wide eyed to another round of disappointment tomorrow. And my heart is telling me I will. I am the least priority. And forever I will be, alone in my own cold realm. I've heard a thousand of lies, and have come up with a million of em myself. Who is to tell me what's what and what's not?

I had seen and imagined a scenery unlike ones which I've remembered. It was quite empty, yet it felt like I was having everything. But these everything doesn't amount to the weight which they should deem hold. Something was inadequate, something was immaculately rid of. I do not have any slightest clue on why the hands of time only move one way and why going the other is impossible. I do not remember who I was four years ago when here I am trying to relive it. I'm too tired, to wake up every morning with this artificial faith the sunshine never fails to bring, yet only to be greeted by this kind of contradiction and confusion every night. I need a new life, but what do I need in order to transport myself to a new genesis?

What do you really know? Do you really know as much as I do? Do you think you know because you think your reality makes you a complete person?

2010-06-10T23:33:00.001+08:00

If you give me whatever I want,

whatever I need,

I will give both to you.

This is my love guaranteed.

Wednesday, I despise you.

2010-06-09T23:42:00.002+08:00

You can't believe this. I woke up in the morning to realise I have a sudden throat infection. How I know it is one because I have the intellectual level to tell a throat infection from a sore throat. Quit forcing strepsils down my throat, it ain't going to work. I think I need antibiotics. Perhaps my sinus is acting up again. I think the french fries from Mac yesterday cut my throat. This is how delicate my lips, mouth, gum, throat are!

I can't sing (to irritate the guys at work). I can't talk properly. And I can't even swallow my saliva so I'm practically drooling all over the place, on my sheets, I'm wearing a bib, and I stink.

I'm so going to the company doctor tomorrow if I can wake up early enough. Ouch.

Ah! I feel so lousy.

..!..

L.O.V.E forever!

2010-06-08T01:56:00.005+08:00

Christmas is approaching, let's begin the countdown. I can't wait. Gimme the turkey, ham and yummy log cake. And lotsa Christmas gifts. I should perhaps get myself an iPhone 4. I'm so sleepy now, that with every blink of my eyes, I am seeing images of the past. My mom is asking to go Mezza at Grand Hyatt for their buffet lunch. 108++ per pax is really not expensive. But for someone like me who doesn't take too much a fancy to anything raw, it somewhat suggests a hole in my comme des garcons purse.

Sometimes, it really does only require minimal amount of initiative to come up with an almost effortless gesture to make someone feel appreciated. I hate to say this because I'm a bitch, but I have to because my stomach is rumbling in tremor from McSpicy which I had for lunch in the afternoon. Now I feel like I'm trying to correspond with my old mobile number. Do not even bother to explain why, how or why didn't you. Because when this has been made history, nothing can be done to undo it, so there shouldn't be a need to call for further complications. The more you talk, the lighter everything weighs. So let's just close our eyes and feel.

Been following Butterfly's for so long and really, mine seem way too fair in comparison. I'm just like a virtual stranger yakking away nothing constructive and neither nothingness of absolute humour. I should start mad reading again. I deduce it aids in the writing.

My eyelids are bowling balls now. I'm going to chase my Zs. I wonder why Tracy has been trying to say things of extreme abstractness which no one could really fathom why she is trying to do so. Did you catch my subtle sarcasm? =D

I'm not exactly looking forward to tomorrow when I should. I guess I'm kinda hanging by a moment, and this moment it is.

Crying waves.

2010-06-07T02:21:00.008+08:00

The waves cried tonight,

the winter birds came to sing,

a garden blossomed many fallen leaves.

Purple lightning came to strike,

your unheard thunder roared my ting-a-ling.

She, who wore a summer dress,

adored the impossibilities of things,

gave sudden hope and faith in everything.

Everytime I close my eyes I thank the Lord that I've got you,

and you've got me too.

Everytime I think of it I pinch myself cause I don't believe it's true,

that someone like you loves me too.

2010-05-29T02:05:00.002+08:00

是谁的心啊

孤单地留下

他还好吗

我多么想爱他

那永恒的泪

凝固的一句话

也许可能蒸发

Just a little crush.

2010-05-29T00:45:00.005+08:00

Why do I not feel empowered enough to develop my own feel of complacency now?

When I read your blog, why do I feel such jealousy?

How different are we?

Is simplicity really your bliss?

Which way have I taken?

How have I been walking?

Or have I been chasing pavements again?

What to blossom?

What do I know?

When a withered,

tells the gloom.

Then it'd be back and forth,

nevertheless,

endlessly.

Hello stranger.

Goodbye friend.

the lone sun.

the lonelier sun.

Another.

2010-05-28T00:31:00.003+08:00

Another one down. 3 from my graduating primary school class are married. A lot more are engaged. Thank God, none invited me. Thank God, those whom I still talk to are still fooling around and no one wants to marry em (Yes you!). Is it me? Or is it everyone else? Why do I feel a mixture of envy and "LOLs" when I see every one of em getting hitched?

Envy? Well because I think I will look so much hotter with professional make up and I envy them for wearing nice pretty gowns! /mews "LOLs" because, I guess we will be missing out a lot after marriage. God! Seeing the same face everyday (imagine if it's Shrek you married) is just not going to do anything better to the relationship. Aye? And how are you supposed to know that him/her is just going to be the one? Imagine going through individual transitions, how sure are we to know whether he/she would still be around?

What's with the banquet? Isn't it more than a chore to be throwing such massive event? Half of the guests who turn up are ones whom you barely speak to in years? And maybe most of them are ones you've never spoken to in your entire life. Then what joy could you possibly share? How happy do they actually feel for you? Talk about hypocrisy. I would rather book zouk and have my granny break dance at phuture. With this kinda money throwing a banquet could cost, I can own a Birkin seriously. What's more important than having a Hermes?

The thought of having to wake up at 4am is so terrifying. I would rather club or dota till 4am. Shittish. How am I going to survive this kinda long day with the so called adrenalin rush? Can a bride actually yawns when she's on the stage cutting the wedding cake? I might need triple shots of expresso injected into me every hour.

Why do you guys want to get married in this kinda conventional manner anyway?

By asking the groom to wear female G string on his head when he comes over to get the bride, is not going to make it anywhere special or interesting. Do I get myself clear? Whatever shit tricks the typical 'sisters' can come up with, at the end of the day, he still gets her. Someone tell me one groom had actually died from drinking the potent mixture of flaming cokewasabichrysathemumvodkamilo?

Don't get me wrong. I would love to be married. I would beg to have someone who's so mine to spend the rest of my life with. My wedding is going to be a very quiet event with only ones whom I am sure I speak to, I've spoken to, and I know who he/she exactly is. There's a reason why we call it a matrimonial union and not a matrimonial orgy. A backdrop of the setting sun, a pastor (in God's place), my family and close friends, me and mine.

Use the money, go to France, Paris, Milan and get a birkin. Really. And a Cartier for wedding band.

Yeah. I think the 24 hour drive through at Vegas best suits me.

An upside down apple tree,

half a butterfly.

queen fleur,

a phoenix,

and a snail with horns.

My gardenplay.

2010-05-27T00:49:00.000+08:00

The Sex Goddess.1

2010-05-21T22:14:00.005+08:00

Today shall be the last day I feast.

I am going to do my lemonade detoxification every morning.

Lemons + water + organic maple syrup/honey

For three days, I'm going to live solely on Lemonade.

The cycle shall be 3 on lemon, 1 on normal meals.

Did I tell you this is my ninth day of not smoking?

I impress myself quite a lot you know.

So doubtlessly, with an inner strength like this,

it shouldn't be hard to go back to 56kg.

=(.

I'll aim for lighter than that when I'm already that okay!

Can someone set a T rex on me please!

Never been exposed photos! Because I had thought I was fat back then (which I was). Now that I'm a whale! Looking back always makes the heart cringe in pain.

..!.. myself.

Why do I even let myself slip back right back on board the ship of whales again?!

And the reason why I uploaded these ain't because I want to motivate myself.

It's because I stumbled upon some fatty sex blogger who even dare pose her nude photos which are rather disturbing.

And to think there're guys who left suggestive comments.

I had thought all those comments were disses.

That reminded me of something which my boyfriend told me recently. Heh.

I totally understand why some men even resort to such sub-standards. First of all, these men are usually the low in confidence kinda. Don't deny, you know you have an issue with your self esteem if you fuck blue whales. (Don't look at me, I still believe I'm with the smallest species of whales. And I can always revert back to being a mermaid, mark my words.)

Secondly, these girls themselves are the easiest preys for the sub standards predators. (What? You expect one caveman who's cowardly and feeble to go hunt a prized Sabre Tooth Tiger?) And bedding these girls are as easy as counting how many toes you have, unless you're telling me you're a retard. Based on ongoing case studies around me, this is what I dare conjure up. Some girls just like to give free sex to better validate their insecurities, for e.g, after one night of mad fucking with strangers, they'd feel good about themselves 95% of the times because they can make themselves believe that there are indeed men who want them, though not exactly the dream guys, nor the hot/cute ones. This, we call delusional disorder. 5% of the times, they actually snap back to reality and their thresholds, and realize what they have been doing are just self worth validation which no one has been able to give to them because without exposing lotsa boobies/booties, no one actually cares to give a second look. Within these brazen fucks with strangers, these girls actually feel lousy about themselves most of the times. These 'lousiness' about themselves usually induce the sleeping around and so on. Then they'd remember the 95% of the times when they felt good about themselves, so they abolish the 5% of shittish feeling and go around doing the same routine over and over again. It's a vicious cycle.

What I would say here is this: definitely, do not expect me to be singing "you are beautiful. no matter what they say... words can't bring you down. " No. fuck it. Stop deluding yourself. Words can't bring you down I'm sure, but quit lying to yourself that you're the one in demand. Bottom line is you do not need to be in men's demand to feel good about yourself. I know fully about the never dying relationship with girls and attention, tell me more about it. And it makes me feel so angry to learn that there are girls who aren't too bad themselves crying out for attention and doing all the uncalled fors. Let me teach you how to snap out of the sleeping around cycle and be a complacently happy person, on your own.

1. Lose weight

2. Get a healthy hobby of reading, painting, poetry, pottery, whatever

3. Engage a healthy lifestyle of moderate clubbing/drinking and quit smoking (now that I have, I can proudly diss all you smokers out there. Muhahahaha!)

4. Learn how to tease and flirt from the sex goddess (a.k.a yours truly)

5. Listen to nouvelle vague and quit those black music on hoes and pimps

When you've done all of the above, you'd realize that there'd be a lot of men flocking to you (not exactly the sub standard ones, but they'd still be in this flock anyway). And these, (another statistic) probably 75% wants to solely sleep with you, 20% wants to sleep with you and perhaps get to know a little more on your inside (which won't be difficult for you, because besides fucking strangers now, you've picked up a new healthy hobby which somewhat intrigues the men). 5% (which is not definitely accurate most of the times) want to genuinely know you as an individual. Bottom line is this, and remember this, men are just useless pricks with a brain and a penis but not enough blood to run both simultaneously. All of them want sex, but whether they only want it from you and only you, is something which you need to learn to tackle.

Another thing is this, do not always want to engage in something romantic with the men. Because if you do, your body sells you out. Your body language shows it, and the men ain't dumb enough not to read your signs which are as prominent as a blinking green man saying "Go!". The only person you need to impress in this whole world is yourself. If you do not expect anything, you won't go all out to accomplish your expectations.

You, yourself, is your world.

And your goal is,

You, yourself ought to be his world.

P.S anyone wanna dance?!

A Gardenparty.

2010-05-16T01:42:00.014+08:00

"Chrissyeepoo was being put on the shelf today, untouched. A spider had managed to spin some web over her. Dust was collected at the foot of her floral pink dress. Her porcelain faced was smeared with dirt, and one of her lashes was falling off, barely sticking to her still left eye. Her hair, untidy as it was, was black and long. It's now glittered with soft greys... Cold and all alone, she sat on the teak brown shelf. With no flutter of lids, she stared at an empty room, the chilling four walls with no life. She waits for a rainbow."

I am going to get myself a box of color pencils tomorrow! I think I'll look for a 72 colors one! I should go back to sketching! And designing! As suggested by Yvonne, because I drew her a wedge, and a dress some nights ago using my mouse. I'm going broke! And I might not have enough for a pretty nice sketch book. So I'm going to do it the most conventional way, I'm going to do drawing block. :D

Daddy was wearing a tie with his briefs. Damn psychotic!

Hah! I don't wanna grow up because I still want to draw this way! ;p

Butterflies.

2010-05-11T23:46:00.003+08:00

"the sere of an eventuality heralds the genesis of a beginning..."

Last night, I dreamt a love so surreal, soft and filled with gentleness. Just like the look I saw through the window that night, it was delicate as a feather. It felt as if the world had stopped, and I had started to melt with you. A string of butterflies was given birth, whirled me in for a period of merciless time. And it began again, on a different note, a new fashion with similarities which myself couldn't resist. Old nostalgia swept over me, yet it was another face I see. A face which took every adoration and I so very wish to keep as mine for as long as he should permit.

The birth of another dimension occurred. It was unpredictable. It took me by surprise and helplessly, I am falling again into a bottomless pit which was limitless. There isn't a basis to feel at all, no foundation was laid. Am I to blame for being blinded by the intensity when it is such an irresistible imaginary grace? When it is an extremity unlike others, all within a beatitude so mild and meek.

Gone are mundane days with senseless meaningless conversations. Every verbal interaction calls for intellectual and emotional stimulation. The amber of our togetherness induce a faith which I could hold on to. Do we need a lot to say when careless words exchanged are mere nothingness ridded of gravity? Isn't this feeling inside me of a more sovereign role of reality?

You awoke me.

And now, I see you.

2010-05-09T22:42:00.007+08:00

I look like a joker and Mel look stunned because I look like a joker.

The internet connection tonight is a whore. Whenever I open up a new tab, it would take ages to load "Top Sites" (if you're using Safari) and most of the times, it hangs and yeah, it's still hanging. I'm lighting up cigs fast because I am so, you know, impatient. And really emo/needy today. I feel so worthless about myself suddenly. I'm like the one chasing now. And I totally despise it. Fuck me. ;)

So I went down to Chinatown and got a quarter pounder burger for Yvonne, in hope to persuade her to head down to St James with me.

After about two hours, she gave a 'no' so I took her Dragonfly Membership card and headed down.

Yes, dragonfly, you heard me. Doesn't matter luh, so as long it's free. You know I really detest queues and cover charges.

The night turned out to be wilder than what I've expected. Chilling champagne at Belini Room and overlooking Boiler made me feel so special with the whole boiler at my feet.

Went down over to Powerhouse and found Melvin. He then saw another side of me.

Dragged Melvin over to Movida because the girls wanted Latinos. And both Melvin and I concluded Powerhouse and Movida used the same CD to spin. Fugging cheating Foo family and Gordon's mahjong khakis. =)

By the time we were at Movida, most of us were tipsy already.

But fuck, not me, I knew I was dehydrating fast. But I couldn't stop myself from dancing. I was at the inside bar of Movida, a higher platform, I have got to get back to myself for at least once, so be it this, the first in three years. So when I got the attention from those who turned to watch, YES! Fuggin hell! I am still THERE!!!! To the niggas and whites beside me, no, you guys can't dance. And just get a room please. I can practically see the dick erected on the ang moh's face already. So yeah, get a fuckin room.

Damn it feels so good to know I can still dance!

While Melvin was leading me out of Movida, I broke a mug. And I ran away. =D

Left the club at around 3am and shared a cab with him, dropped him at his place first and I was shit thirsty, I had to ask the uncle to drop us at some seven eleven near yew tee to get drinks.

The aftermath of this club event was a two day long dehydration fest. First day of hangover, I drank like a camel who happened to stumble upon an oasis. Second day of hangover (which is today), because of the Indon cuisine I had on the first day of hangover, the dehydration continued and most probably worsen because I have been on the loo runs. =)

I am the biggest attention seeker you know, do you know? But I do it subtlety most of the times, so you won't find out. Can I rant here about my current boyfriend?

He reminded me so much like Alloy.

Look at entries in year 2007 and read the mental rides I had back then.

I'm really crossing my fingers.

I doubt I might be able to handle.

So when I can't, I run away. Just like how I couldn't handle the breaking of the mug.

Wishlist #2010.

2010-04-24T01:49:00.002+08:00

1. Balenciaga City Bag

2. Alexander McQueen skull scarf

3. Comme des garcons Play tee

4. Get married in 2011

5. Baby in 2012

No. 1,2,3 are very achievable. No. 4,5 not so.

Lmao. It's the age luh! Babies are cute things.

Or perhaps I'll just drift and fool around. Fine with it too.

Think Tracy will be the first among the three of us to get hitched, aye Yvonne?

Can't imagine how her baby will look. (Tracy + Jerry = Tragedy)

HAHAHAHA. OMG. Don't hit me biatch.

Fear.

2010-04-22T22:19:00.003+08:00

I went to google on something rather disturbing me.

I guess it is the cause for my headache.

Oh god, tell me I'm as ridiculous and stupid as Americans.

It can't be, right?

I'm me you know.

Yes, me.

Chrissy, fug off?

2010-04-22T00:35:00.003+08:00

Just admit that you're wrong and I'll give back what I borrowed or stole.

You love me, because I am me.

Inevitably me.

Funny, witty, and girly.

When end of day comes,

do you see my ugly?

2010-04-21T00:52:00.004+08:00

Yeo Yvonne: Haha. No I want my $33. And I'm playing the three truths and lies game now.

Me: That's my idea. It's $66 for copyright infringements. if we presume you keep to the pact, you'd still owe me $33.

Yeo Yvonne: Fuck u.

Me: Harder baby.

2010-04-20T23:19:00.003+08:00

Aeryn Yeoh already has a pending relationship request.

Someone's stealing you. Boo hoo hoo. :(

Cal stole my cap.

A camera for face. Really cool.

No lomo. Bad weather, as you can see.

Rude Boy. sex therapy.

2010-04-19T02:19:00.005+08:00

I love the new Rihanna's Rude Boy MTV. After having watched it for countless times, I still haven't managed to capture the idea and the concept of it. Very interesting indeed. I wonder whether this works for me all the times, with the things going on around me, and with the people coming and leaving. I don't get bored of stuffs which are hard to comprehend.

This message is for that ball-less asshole, Desmond Wai Kah How:

You can continue to delete anyone whom we know, anyone so dear to me and is always near me. But let me tell you this, I've got the whole world on my side. Because I am right, and you are not. If you think I shouldn't do you grace by telling the whole world on what you have done, give me the green light and I'll start the ball rolling. I might even set your tiny warped little world come crashing down. And then, you might realize, the remaining 'connections' we have now might just start to look at you differently. The people around you listen to your side of the story, and the people around me listen to mine. After all, we are mere human beings, always trying to cover up our 'bad', and impress with our so called 'good'. However, the significant difference between you and me, is that I've got more balls than you. I am not afraid to face or deal with anyone. Your way of doing things just further prove you're guilty and ashamed - running away is your forte, your infinite unique characteristic which I have failed to see all along. A round of applause for your minimal amount of guts. I hope your next girlfriend don't find em too small. ;)

I have moved on. And I simply do not care anything concerning you ever since yesterday or the day before, I cannot recall. If I didn't hear from them that you deleted them, I won't even know. You're so childish for a 29 year old. It took me three weeks to get over this relationship. It really proves how lousy it was. And what a lousy man you are. I have you at my tiny finger Desmond. =)

I hope you screw your life up and I'll go rofl at your tiny brains.

I took my first photo with the lens cover on. I'm a good game! I can't decide between Ann Siang Road or Sentosa for the photography. I was thinking of getting a nice lanyard for the camera from either Tod's or Bottega. I told Grace and she exclaimed that my lanyard is going to cost more than the camera. Haha. I'm a material pot.

Stereophonics are here again! And I haven't got anyone who's going to go with me. What happen to you this bunch of so-called indie garang people huh?! I know I didn't attend Placebo's, but this is Stereophonics we are talking about man! Way old school darn it! Maybe I should ask Nory.

I'm getting dreamy again, did I tell you?

The mood is on. =)

P.S btw, why is everyone getting hamsters these days? Maybe I should get a couple or one for my guinea pigs as pets.

Holga.1

2010-04-17T02:49:00.002+08:00

2.49am and counting down 4 hours of dreams.

I've purchased my first Holga today in pretty pink.

And I'm going to make my first roll significant by going to somewhere not familiar, yet nostalgic. This one place which I've left my traces and tears behind, sere memories dried.

It feels revitalizing to know I've picked up my bones again.

It feels good to know I'm back,

to the inner me, dear me.

Memories for comfort.

2010-04-16T00:01:00.002+08:00

I've gotten a lot to write about today. Albeit my heart sank the moment I learned that Rocher has left us, so suddenly.

Today shall be a day of silence for we all mourn the loss of our dear friend, Rocher.

He, who has left us,

shall not be remembered by his death.

The memories he had given us,

shall be remembered that he has lived.

2010-04-14T23:44:00.000+08:00

I want a sugardaddy. ;)

2010-04-14T00:58:00.002+08:00

I've gotten tons of meet ups to do with friends.

You know that these are the real ones even though we haven't seen one another for a long time and they are still around.

Friends, who ever said that I have lesser friends?

I am yakking more than ever these days. I think the ego.loud wants to be heard. I am wondering when I will sneak back under again. Chrissy is always around, didn't I tell you this?

I want to go Sentosa badly, so I can wear my bling cap. That's the only driving force. Not the beach hunks because I fancy geeks, the intelligent ones.

The ice cream workshop was fun today. I made my own ice cream. The journey back home was cold and smooth. Cab drivers these days sure know how to tease.

I'm after all a very pampered girl.

Who's going to sleep me tonight?

Nobody.

2010-04-12T22:50:00.002+08:00

since you've been gone,

i became nobody.

and i fell right back to my threshold,

of emptiness,

and hollowness.

a bigger void left,

i was abandoned.

alone i am,

ringing voices,

thoughts of you,

filled days of nothingness.

the hurt you inflicted,

reminded over and over again.

i do not know why,

and there's no one whom i can ask.

Your Woman.

2010-04-11T00:01:00.006+08:00

Ugh. I look so cui here.

My besties are very pretty people.

Did I tell you? One very cute guy smiled at me yesterday? He's so good looking and his smile was so boyish. Only thing was, I forgot to smile back. I think I should learn to smile more often. :)

I was lavished with compliments recently from strangers. Someone I got to know recently told me I'm different, and I am incredibly interesting. I'm so sure of this.

Hanging out with the girlies today was fun with all the nonsensical trying-ons of clothes. Tracy ended up buying a top which I wanted to buy. Yvonne bought a straw hat for sentosa next saturday. I bought a nice zebra printed dress from River Island. Everything looks better when you are slimmer. That's so true.

So who's my future ex?

Intellectually stimulating one please. I shan't settle for less anymore.

I like this.