I was feeling unhappy last night. I needed someone to talk to. I called him thrice. He chose his games over me. All along I was uncertain of my importance. Last night was just a minor case. Said he would call back, however he didn't. And so, tired me fell asleep. I managed to reach him on his cell phone at around 6 this evening. Battery went flat the first time, he didn't bother to call back. Called him again. I tried talking to him nicely. He just wanna sleep and ignore whatever I say. Disappointed and angry, I shouted. I do not like to shout. I was never a violent nor angry person. He is the only one in this world who can make my lose it, wild out and act like a lunatic. He hanged up on me and switched off his cell phone.
I shouldn't be so naive and positive to even think that we can last. -smiles- I know there are so many obstacles ahead of us. Been together for two years and the only time when I can walk into his house without having to be sneakily is when his folks are out of town. Friends had told me to let it go. They had already grown tired of persuading me, trying to convince me that he isn't going to give me any happiness nor future. I admit I was just waiting for a miracle. I haven't been happy for some time. I just keep trying to ignore the unhappiness this relationship has been bringing to me. And fought hard to keep it going. I keep trying, changing, keep compromising, what do I receive?
Two years down the drain. All the effort, time devoted in exchange for a hefty amount of unhappiness. I am not the right kind of girl for him. And neither is he the right kind of guy for me. What I want in life differs from his. How we want to lead our lives are different. I have been foolish to keep trying all by myself. I have been ridiculous and unreasonably crazy and blind.
I am thinking of Nic. He is attractive but no, I do not have any feelings for him. Same history, similar personalities and character. Been hopelessly lost in love, disappointed and disgusted by the aftermath. This is how similar we are right now. When we treat someone right, why don't they reciprocrate? Why do I have to go back to the lifestyle I used to lead? Why do I have to be that self centered, egoistic bitch who manipulate any bastards down the street? Thought I found someone to settle down with, spend the rest of my fucking life with. Pity, wrong guy. False hopes. I should face the reality and move on. ^^
I doubt my youngest sister would ever change. She is a angry person. Always raising her voice, always cynical, always thinking why I keep thinking lowly of her. I was just being concerned about her preparations for her examinations this morning, she just had to be judgmental and jumped to conclusions that I was trying to bring her down. She just cannot bloody understand that not all concern are hypocritical. She just like to be on her guard all the time. -sighs- Troubled family waters. I have always thought a family should be understanding to one another, and help one another in whichever way possible. Another hypothetical thinking. I should wake up to this real world.
This world has been giving me the positive false hopes. It is actually cruel, ugly, filled with sorrows. Red alert for global warming, number of endangered animal species increasing day by day, sea waters being polluted by industrial wastes, animals hunted by illicit poachers... Isn't that obvious? Men are just selfish bastards. They can never stop being like that. That's the way God has created them to be. He created a planet, and created millions of selfish bastards to destroy it. A unsubstantial number of conservationalists to protect it. And then those selfish bastards would explore the other planets on the solar system in hope of thriving on there. They came, they shit, they didn't flush the toilet and went away.
And so... this is it. That's the way life is. Bitches and Bastards.
Have it?
Flaunt it!
