16th September 2010,

I became S's.

Still am.

And I'm glad.

Because I haven't felt this way for a long time.

In fact, better.

Incidents of new embarkments happen all the times. It is fear which nevertheless, never fails to prevent us, the ourselves from taking first steps when how ironically this is, after all our very own life journey. How we can be such hinderance to ourselves, and who we really want to be.

We could pretend we do indeed own everything. And so often, I feel that this 'everything' which manage to get me by through each day, is as hollow as a bone. I wasn't created to care a great deal about a lot of things, and yet this armor of normality just needs me to.

Having to leave again suggests such unspoken pain of leaving behind yet a few relationships I've established in the recent couple of years. I might just turn back and look on from a distance, wondering about the 'what ifs' and start pinning yearns. Or I might just leave without ever turning back to look at this long shadow which trails silently behind. I really do appreciate the so much everyone has given me, the routes which I've been guided to follow. And through guidance, I've managed to emerge as someone stronger and wiser. This is something priceless.

I do not ever wish to look back, and realized that on the 26th year of life, I haven't been able to achieve something greater.

I hate you, mother. Because you are so weak, and I'm strong, I will never succumb to your way of life. I will never ever be the person you want me to be. And I assure you I will never ever become you. If you don't respect others, no one will to you.