A little older than 25, I have come to terms and acceptance with the way I am born.
I am indeed very taciturn. And even though you may not agree, it's hard for me to really convey my emotions, thoughts and feelings to anyone. I am glad I am a paradox to myself, and perhaps everyone else who has known me for a while. I am a coy exhibitionist of indifference and a misanthrope, I can even say I hate human relationships, I hate being close to anyone else in fact. I may have let you in a little, but the moment I realize you've gone too deep, I'll put up another invisible wall of defense and immediately stop you at where you are. Because I am not good with intimacy, I am never good with showering love. Sometimes, I am not sure if I have the ability to truly love myself.
I have lost faith in relationships. And this is queer because I have a boyfriend whom I want to settle down with, start a family and try to have kids. If playing enigmatic games and conducting experiments are my fortes, this just has got to be the way to find out whether I can establish any form of intimacy towards anyone at all.
I may not know a lot but I can tell you this, I may have reached the stage of life which I envy and feel sorry for the people around me at the same time. When I see them being too devoted to what they feel most in life, I envy their ability to believe and have faith, but at the same time, feel sorry because they've failed to realize that all that they're chasing after will eventually come down to nothing. You may have heard, that there are more to Life than just what you've always believed in, taught to believe in. I've been trying to figure this out, but there is limited wisdom a quarter-centurian can possess.
Some may ask, what's life? For some, it's an endless chase to the top of this societal hierarchy, a wardrobe-full of designer labels, millions in the banks, a vacation house somewhere in the Caribbean, a life of a heiress, socialite, party-animal. What's yours?
I do not wish to comprehend this abyss, but I do know that I came to thee with nothing, and I shalt leave with nothing. I love how the hippies think and live, but I am afraid to follow suit because I have commitments and responsibilities as my Mother's daughter, my Dad's girl, my sisters' sister. And so may I conclude, that we all came to this world with the obligations to live what others are expecting of you, for others.
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I have dreamt about the butterflies,
and the gallop of a free horse.
With the winds, the gentle sun
and the smell of grass,
an inevitable rainbow.
I ask of thee,
that you feel me,
do you fathom what I'm whispering?
I may be young,
but not too young to think,
may be old,
not old enough for wisdom.
Life pulls a leg,
a mockery,
and requests that I embark on my own.
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