the L word.

Insides are churning which warrants the need to post.

The Diary of truths is lying around with no intention of mine to update. The drama has died down a little. I've just bathed Sparky. This morning I sent Madelia a text which got me thinking what the fug is wrong with me:

"Everything is in a wreck. Sparky is dirty. I haven't studied for my test next week. Two group assignments due soon. Work standstill. Salary keeps getting docked."

Jesus.

Is this who you've known me to be? I've staggered one too many times this year. I've managed to screw up everything which used to matter and everyone who matters to me - I have lost my footing.

And in this not so perfect world to whom shalt I seek solace from now? Madelia? The closest at heart who is also battered and worn right now. I can muster that bit of strength that's left in me to see her through these dark times but does she have the willpower to do the same for me? I doubt so. After all, it was I, my comeback, that brought forth a series of tidal waves to this once peaceful realm of hers. I was the antagonist from her previous dramatic romantic stint, I still am the antagonist of her current.

So we decided to take a break from the L word (pun intended).

Speaking of the L word, I tried to recall how Tina forgave Bette after she found out that the latter cheated on her. As we've always understood, I'm Bette, she's Tina but I've never cheated on her. And according to Wikipedia (2012), Bette is supposedly to be the one true love of Tina!

Time to work on presentation and mug and stop fretting over Helena Peabody's existence.

P.S ultimately, Tina went back to Bette, didn't she?

And for you Madelia, won't you listen to this song for a bit?

Achilles' Heel

I find myself falling into a bottomless pit in total darkness. I couldn't see my arms nor feet. There is no tinge of light and the only thing I could feel is that I'm falling into a state of nothingness that stretches miles and miles on - perhaps there isn't even an end to it. My state of mind hasn't been kind towards me these days. That explains the frequent entries here. If there's a scarcity of posts here, you know my insides are intact and functioning properly. 

I tried to be still but my soul cries unrest. And with a civil war happening all within, I find myself having to cope with tidal cognitive waves, a growling stomach, two smoked lungs and a pair of droopy eyes. Nothing seems to move. This unstoppable train has run out of steam. 

"I need to dress up, doll up, go out, to a bar or something, blend into the ambience and the dark, have one or two cocktails, watch people as I think. That way, in the dark, maybe I could see some light. Perhaps not as quite the light which one wishes to find but I'll settle for now."

Cissy took out her gloves as she walked through the cherrywood door. She was wearing a black dress and her favourite Ferragamos. It was autumn, the air reeked of withered flowers and dried leaves. 

"I've just been to the Irish bar down that street, at the corner after you took a left turn. As I sat by one of the tables towards the end of the bar, I saw Madelia and Courtesan Achilles walking in and taking their seats at a small round table adjacent the stage. Taking the stage was a soprano singing sorrow to all the broken-hearteds. Seated side by side with no obvious sign of affection, Madelia and Courtesan Achilles didn't notice me at all. They looked as if they were in a world which belongs to the both of them. And I was the onlooker, watching from afar. They were laughing and I saw Madelia mouthed 'Cissy'. Courtesan Achilles threw her head back and laughed with enthusiasm. Madelia continued mentioning 'Cissy' for a while before the soprano let out an A5." 

Having prepared herself a lowball of whiskey, Cissy then sat down in her favourite red couch that's the center-piece of the hall. She took a sip and began to weep.

"It pains me to know that I've been made a joke. But what can I do? I love her." 

Paradise

There's a reason why the old always warn us against starting what we can't finish. Why we don't normally listen is because there's a bone in us that tells us we could. A clean break was never an easy feat when emotions and memories are in the court. Not to mention, efforts in trying to make it work, initially.

Five months ago, I ended something with feelings. Being tricky little things they've always been, and having ended something with them being around, they are back to haunt me the way restless ghouls would. Unearthed, roaming wild and beyond subdual.

"It is probably a miracle to me. I have been telling you that I would try my best to work it out for us. You ought to know you're special in this sense because it's beyond my comprehension - thus, I said, a miracle. So why didn't you try to work it out with me with shared efforts and not make me feel I've been the one trying? Why haven't you been able to see things in the long run? It was never meant to be easy and I was well aware before I took the plunge. I was ready to and I did. I thought you'll see what I see, feel what I feel. But you didn't and so I had to leave. Because I'm moving fast like an unstoppable train and I saw you as a passing scenery." 

I left Madelia the way I would to a blooming wild flower in the meadows because its sheer pure delight was something I couldn't take with for the fear of ruining its beauty. And five months later... 

Madelia came with a vengeance. She slipped into my world again when I was down and out. She stood by and made me feel that me, this unstoppable train, might have the ability again to take this blooming flower with me. I thought and I tried to execute. Madelia hadn't been honest; she has someone else. I was merely an object to fill up the void I left five months ago - I had become the receiving end of a sharpened blade which I had initially delivered and a classic example of bad karma. A town hall gathering was held with people who could help to see through things. And the tales I received were all the same, consistent throughout and out. The notion was clear to the eyes that manipulation of both parties was in play. Was it a case of confusion on Madelia's end or was it cowardice? 

A wild flower which I'd always have a soft spot for had dealt me another blow of malice after the first I received from Westminster a good four weeks ago. The wild flower was in her own league - possessing a tiara which I've bestowed. I told this wild flower that only in her presence that I find solace. And this solace became an uproar shortly. Now, what good are memories for I've never done unjust to Madelia and if I had remembered, done more for her than I've ever? 

*

Life goes on, 

it gets so heavy 
The wheel breaks the butterfly 
Every tear, a waterfall 
In the night, the stormy night, she'll close her eyes 
In the night, the stormy night, away she'd fly