Checking the work email, I realized I had used the same password as the one I had before I left Wiley. A flash of memory bolted through, I thought things would be so much better if I had Kenneth, Natra, Req... basically the usual lunch clique for Monday to Friday. It's amazing how colleagues play a part in your well-being.
I wanted to talk about Carl. I think I should. Lest one day I forget.
One year ago, I met Carl. A 34 year old who was in between jobs at the time. We started hanging out as friends but things got slightly serious as time passes. I wouldn't go into the nitty gritty details because at age 29, I find them rather meaningless. However, I will never forget the first time we met, the days where we were getting to know each other and the feeling that was evoked. I can still remember the feeling vividly now. It's wasn't the thrill of knowing someone new. If I have been right all along, it was the feeling of knowing someone who you've known all your life.
Time proves me right. A year later, I am still discovering more about this person who I feel I've known all my life. And I'm not getting bored. We're not getting bored. I hope we will never be.
I never needed to pretend or say things I don't mean. From the day we met, I have been myself and haven't been afraid to be. I used to think that something was wrong with me because of the endless fights I used to have with Benjamin... But it turns out, nothing was wrong with me. Perhaps nothing was wrong with Ben too... We were just wrong.
If we were, then it'll further prove that Carl and I were right. Or maybe Carl is really an easy-going person who puts up with me.
Last night, I thought he was on the onset of dating another person or having met someone new. I unintentionally saw a message notification and saw that he dismissed it without even wanting to respond to that message. I got disturbed and decided to turn in. The feeling was hard to swallow and with the company of the ongoing in my life now, tears began welling up my eyes and before I knew it, I was sniffling. Carl got worked up after I asked him who it was. Having explained that it was just a friend, I didn't budge and turn my back to face him. When he heard the sniffles, he lunged himself behind me and took me in his arms. What followed was a string of placate that I've never known he was capable of doing. That moment, I felt that he loves me.
"I'm here baby. I'm not going anywhere. Don't cry."
Today at MUJI, I asked him the same set of questions again -- if he's met someone new, on the onset of seeing someone and do I make him happy. I must say what happened after took me by surprise for I've never known Carl to be this way. Instead of getting frustrated with girl insecurities and paranoia, he pulled me close and kissed me. Then he went on to answer me no and yes. No to the first two questions and yes, of course to the latter.
"Of course you make me happy."
People say time erases things -- all things. Feelings, memories, passion and watercolours. What I feel is that if two persons are meant to make things right, they will only get better. For Carl and I, we've had our downs no doubt -- there were times where we almost call it quits because if you're not already aware, he doesn't love me. He didn't love me when I start loving him and until now, he hasn't told me he loves me. I am not pinning that he will but of course, I hope he will one day. Right now at this moment, even when he doesn't love me, he makes me feel I'm the most fortunate person around in this world, I'm spoiled and cared for by him as his girl. And whether or not he loves me, I don't really think it matters now.
A year has passed and my heart beats for him fiercer than before. If this feeling he making me feel -- that I am the luckiest girl on earth -- is here even when he doesn't love me, maybe I'll dance and prance in the milky way when one day he finally says he loves me.
One day when it happens, I might cry. No. I'm sure I will cry.
