Never say Never

I wonder who still visit this space of mine here, one that I've been diligently updating every now and then since 2006. It's been 9 years and this space could well be the only thing I can easily trace back the forgotten past and the perhaps revisit emotions trapped somewhere if they are ever found again.

My insides are churning as I pen this now. My eyes are welled up with tears yet I am not crying. My heart rests the same, surrounded by my rib cage, beating in clockwork. We know a heart is a fist that pumps blood but at this moment, I wonder how a broken heart is able to do that. Still, I am living, I am breathing and I am in pain. 

So much has happened since February. I have lost the man of my dreams, the one who I thought I'll be with forever, the one who told me that all he's ever wanted of me is for me to be happy. Yet, all this unhappiness I am going through right now is summoned by his decision to end us. If our relationship is as what he's claimed, cherished, memorable and precious, why was the decision made in the first place? If I am one, who he's claimed to be, significant, important and valued, why did he choose to lose me? If this isn't love that he's feeling, to be crying, to be caring a damn lot about what I feel and think even until this day, then what is it? 

God, Universe, I wonder if you had heard me the other night where I pray to release me of this grief and pain. I would rather forget everything than to go through this again and again. I want to forget. I want to forget every thing. I want to forget him. 

So it seems,
the way you feel,
your frustration,
your patience running thin,
is all that matters to you.

And what I've been through,
what I'm going through,
doesn't call for a chink in your armor,
doesn't call for a bat of eyelid,
doesn't send a wrench to your heart,

You're the human.
And I'm only an object.
I have no feelings,
no thoughts,
no voice,
of any sorts.