Be thankful for what you got.

August motherfucking 23rd 2017.

The stretch of time that has intervened between then and now, has once again brought forth the light of things. Fighting to swallow the fact that I'm once again on another crossroad, I resisted pouring myself a glass of Malbec to wash it down. I really need to cut back on the drinking.

Life has a way to fuck all of us up. Biding farewell to Kn was hard. Having to think of biding farewell to Cs next week is even harder. I admit, I'll feel alone. Probably feel like the only saint surrounded by a sea of monsters. And the thought of having to dance daily with so many devils just fucking depresses me.

It's ok. Like attracts like. Let's just be positive and have faith that things will take a pivotal turn around toward the light.

I don't remember Carl anymore. Thinking of him now feels different. And looking at his photos certainly does not evoke any emotions. Time has its way to heal every wound. Lesson learnt: when you fucking feel like you're going to die, chant 7577878 times to yourself TIME WILL HEAL. The only downside is, and I am not going to sugarcoat my words here, that you'll find time between now and the future a pain in the ass to live through. You'll bawl, you'll go insane and you'll even do things you won't typically do. And this will just mean, when the future has finally come, you'll be someone different.

"What doesn't kill you won't make you stronger. It just makes you funnier."

Falling in love when you're older is tough. Think about the times where you had easily felt for someone -- exchange looks, smile, BAM. That was easy. When you're older, you exchange death stares, scowl, BAM, "next". I find people a total turn off these days. I don't get excited about people, and neither do I get excited looking at designer shoes and bags anymore. The only excitement I have these days is to see the money rolling in, and knowing I will retire with a million dollars on hand in another 30 years' time. I would however, be thankful, if I don't have to wait thirty years for that to happen. I am officially a rat in the race now. /18 year-old me laughing at 32 year-old me now

People typically whine about the things they don't have. Why can't you just suck it up and work towards that? If you don't like how you look, change it. If you don't like what you do, change it. Happiness is not something that just happen to you. You got to find it. So what makes you happy? Jot them all down and envision that end goal. Then work out a gap analysis that will help you move towards that -- step by step.

I really like how my 2017 is unfolding thus far, though I might want to change up 90% of things. I swear having met Kn and Cs is one of the few good things that have happened to me. And I plan to keep them very close for a long period of time. I am happy too, having met Mikki, cause he made me feel alive for a month. Waking up smiling has been something I hadn't been able to do for two years and a half. And I am thankful for that. He just doesn't know how significant this is to me. But fuck him nonetheless.

So, I'm back to being the girl who goes to work every Monday to Friday, goes for her Muay Thai practice every Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday, then swim on Sundays.

I guess there's a difference between then and now -- me then and me now. Definitely more independent, stronger, and very possibly kicking more ass in the corporate world.

I ought to feel happy, don't I?

All Hail Chrissy!

Ah, another Monday has ended. Another 19 of June gone just like that -- in a bat of an eye. As much as I had wanted to hold on to time, half of 2017 gone. Just like that.

Time -- since the beginning of my time -- has always been my nemesis. The one which I've been battling with and the only one who I can never defeat (and the weighing scale). We're all victims of Time. Not ageing, not cancer, and not death. These are merely what Time brings forth. Our one true enemy is Time.

Time was the culprit for breaking up your ex lover and you. He was the mastermind behind you saying goodbye to all your friends in school. He also was the cause of you failing your exams. Lastly, he took Brownie and Sparky away, took whoever I cared for away and brought them to a place where I can never be reunited with them again. 

Time, our one true enemy. He steals memories away from you no matter how painstakingly you try to hold on to, past the point of no return. With time, everything eventually fades into nothingness. With time, we will soon too slip into the unknown.

With my 9 month old niece now in this world, I feel myself slipping into the abyssal darkness of the unknown quicker than before. Her innocence reminds me of the times where days were easier -- no love, no sentiments. Just mom and dad, food and exams. Life's simple, we got complicated. 

Half a year gone just like that and I find myself struggling with finding another job again. In less than eight months, I'm once again on the road of doubts and measuring my self worth with the number of phone-calls I get back from the sending of the CVs. I don't want to leave Colin and I don't want him to leave us. Why did Time once again take something so precious away from me? I finally found a boss, a place where I see myself growing professionally with for a good few years. This, is hard to come by because if you look through my CV, you will waste no time to emblazon a CHRONIC JOB-HOPPER label over it.

Fuck. 

I hate having to explain myself to all the recruiters on why I left this job, that job. If I'm unhappy at work, I leave. It's that simple. Why would anyone drag her feet into a cesspit every day? God have mercy on that poor soul who does. Love yourself a little. If you're not happy for 260 days in a year minus the weekends where you don't have to work, you will be in a mental institute eventually. Not to visit but as a patient. Unless you enjoy taking Xanax like Skittles, no one should ever have to work in a place where they are miserable. Period. It's just that fucking simple, why can't hiring managers and recruiters get it? I'm a millennial, duh.

I'm turning 32 in July and I'm very much single. I still enjoy listening to the Phantom of the Opera soundtrack. I'm doing very well for a high school dropout and I have recently gained 4kg. I guess this is how 2017 unfolds and I am sure it will continue to be this mediocre. 

If you're asking about my sex life, let's just say burning the bridge between K and I has got to be one of the biggest mistakes I've committed in life. He was such a wonderful fuck and how I regret, how I regret now. 

The Ghost

It's been probably a long time since I last saw and spoke to Carl. Yeah, if you've been a friend (don't even need you to be a close one), you WILL definitely know who he is. 

He's after all, my 'the one who got away'. 

Life's mysterious and the world's small. Putting Law of Attraction a case in point, it seems I am still in a world that has him in it. Having moved on from what was the perfect relationship in my opinion, I have learnt to live on my own independently with much effort made in being alone. It was never my forte but I learnt never to settle for less because I know what I truly deserve. 

Coincidentally, my boss was a secondary school mate of his and I learnt this today. What are the odds? There are a ton too many secondary schools in Singapore and both of them just have to be born in the same year, went to the same school, and share a close friend -- Terry Lee. 

I can't comprehend the reasoning behind this arrangement. I cannot keep up with the number of people around me who know him. I got envious of my boss this afternoon upon learning they spent 4 years together in high school though they weren't chummy. I didn't even get four years of his time and very obviously, if my boss was to chance upon him on the streets again, I will definitely be one of the many things they would share. 

I don't even want him to know that I'm doing well. He does not deserve to know. 

I don't want him back, and neither do I want to be someone who he will think of from time to time while looking at his current girlfriend. I don't want him to be reminded of me at all. For he doesn't deserve any bit concerning me -- not even memories. 

So please, let you be the one thing I talk about from time to time, think about sometimes when I can't sleep at night, picture on the punching bag at my Muay Thai training and the one thing I desire which I can never have. Just so I can fully grasp the concept of letting go, and that there are many times in life where things are out of our control and out of reach.

At night before bed

late at night before bed

my soul unrest, I remain wide awake.

fade into an abyss, often my thoughts did,

--my fears, my tears, my solitude years

I miss the presence of love

its warmth and burning hope it unearths 

I miss having someone to hold

to feel complete, hopeful and whole

knowing I'll never settle; 

what I expect is what I deserve.

I can't do grays, I can't do less,

and never second to best

all while knowing too, 

that my wishes are simple
yet akin to a pair of outstretched hands into the horizon of blue

The Final Chapter: Jealousy & Taciturnity

K has a very bad texting habit which he said he is trying to change. He said it is nothing personal but he has been this way all along. It kills me.

"I don't understand why you're not respecting me the way you said you do. Even as a friend, as FwBs, I don't think I deserve to be treated this way." I texted him a long ass text knowing he won't respond and he sure didn't surprise me.

"We shouldn't see each other anymore because I cannot handle the way we are."

I came back home and sulked to the thought of never seeing him again. The lungo he always makes me in the morning, the wine-drinking, the witty conversations we always have, the chats in between sex and the laughter under sheets, how we always smile whenever we kiss, his ridiculously amazing bod and that ass.

9:40pm: I added his number to the Blocked Contacts list.

The next day, I flew to London -- where he grew up in -- for a work trip.

Part Trois: Friends with Benefits

Two weekends have gone by since I last saw (shagged) K. My period has come and left. I've pulled through bridesmaid duties for a weekend and surprisingly took great fun in it. And I've also confessed to K that I might be developing feelings for him. It was difficult containing my feelings for him and when I decided to fess up, a sense of relief swept over me almost instantly.

"Don't tell him you have feelings for him and just enjoy the shag," Lc warned. And I went ahead to do it nonetheless. It was never me to bottle things inside. And honestly speaking, I am not going to deny that I wanted to see if he thinks he might have feelings for me too. Risk-taker as always.

Dealing with his unresponsiveness was hard. It's even more agonising when no text came from him even after a couple of days had passed and especially when I could see that he read my message. Can you imagine how I felt? Just go and take a dump now, stand up without pushing the flush button and look at what you've left behind. Bummed, I decided to move on. The bridesmaid duty last weekend sure did help take things off my mind as I enjoyed attention from the groomsmen. One actually gave me intense eye contact throughout the entire day and another actually asked me out to the after-party which I had politely declined. And just when I was all set to forget K, he sent a long ass text when the newly-weds were busy taking limelight on stage. 

"What happened was we weren't just shagging. We were kissing and cuddling whole night and I was not so sure if I should continue cause I've been so used to being alone for so long. I still do, I enjoy doing my own thing and being alone." 

I got Mai who was seated right next to me at the wedding dinner to analyse the text for me while she was finishing up her soup. 

"Sounds like he has a thing for you and he's chickening out now," she said as she took one last sip. Grinning, I put away my phone and enjoyed having the ball in my court for a good two days. On Tuesday evening, I responded to his lengthy ass message and asked him to go to Zouk with us on the lunar new year weekend. 

"Down. But seriously, we are a little too old for Zouk," he replied. (You're fucking joking, you're 23. Who are you to say 'old'?)

I exploded confetti and saw rainbows in that instance. "Fucking whore Chrissy!" I had screamed at my own reflection in the mirror. But who cares really, I was overjoyed that I was going to see him again. 

Fast forwarding everything, I tried to firm up if he's indeed down for Zouk on Thursday. No response and that's nothing new. I honestly wonder all the time why he even has a phone and contemplated giving him a pigeon carrier for birthday. I am sure he would be thrilled. 

Friday came and no response still and I thought I saw my patience flew out the window. Upset, I asked if he even had the courtesy to respond to texts and once again, he began his preach on how he's not a big texter. "Motherfucker, I can see your 'last seen'," I had thought to myself. I was seriously upset and told him never to look me up again. He replied on Saturday and said how he knew he has ruined something we shouldn't hold on to. What the fuck? It was possibly the best apologetic slap I have ever received in my entire life. Panicking that I wouldn't get to see him, I mellowed down and tried to coax him into heading to Zouk with us after he said he ain't in a right fit to. 

No go.

Feeling extremely bummed, I headed out to Club St to meet up with Y for a pre-party drink. I had prayed to the universe for a miracle. 

A dozen texts and some mini squabble later, he finally said 'yes' to "Can we fuck tonight?" 

At 2am, I was at the foot of the building at 370 Thomson Road. 

"Give me minute. I am walking back now." 

"From where?"

"7-11."

Two agonising minutes later, he walked passed the gate and headed toward my direction.

"Hi Chrissy," he said as he kissed me on both cheeks. 

Back in his room, the courting game began over a glass of wine. I gave him a good lashing and he apologised fervently about his texting habit. I stood up and pranced up and down in his room while he sat on his bed looking at me do so.

"I respect you Chrissy. I never liked many people in my life but I like you. That friend who was over just now? I don't even like him and I can't wait to get him to fuck out of the house."

He grabbed my hand suddenly and pulled me toward him. I fell on him as he dug his face into my cleavage. Then he pinned me down on bed and began kissing my breasts. He stopped, looked at me for a bit and made his way to my lips. We were once again kissing passionately. And I was once again manhandled the way I adore. He just knows it doesn't he?

He held my left leg up and reached for what was underneath the mini shorts I was wearing and found the treasure which he began stroking. His lips never left mine during the process and the next I knew, we were stripping each other with zest. He made his way down south and began licking my clitoris and the opening. It felt so good to be eaten out by him. And I moaned with such pleasure. I pushed him off me and sat him up at the side of the bed. Kneeling on the floor, I began to lick and suck his balls. He moaned and threw his head back in ecstasy. "Who taught you to suck like that?" He moaned harder as I teased his balls with my tongue. 

"Have we got green tea left?" I asked and reached out for the bottle. I then took a gulp of it and began to push his cock into my mouth with the cold green tea still inside. He moaned ever louder. He sat up and said "I want to fuck you now" as he lifted me off the floor and pushed me on to the bed. We kissed with even more passion as he wore the condom and before I realized, his stiffness was inside me and he began to thrust me hard. Ramming his entire cock into me, he grabbed my left boob and asked if it was gentle enough (he had bruised me the previous times when he grabbed my boobs a little too hard). "I love this fuckboy," I thought in my head. 

One fuck later, he got dressed and sat on a chair facing me while I sat naked on the bed. We debated on humanity and shared with each other how we think we are sociopaths. We both seem to take great pride in it and I thanked universe for sending someone like him to me. You don't get a lot of self-proclaiming sociopaths who actually know they are one. I decided to nickname him 'rabbit-killer' after he told me how he used to hunt back then in Europe and actually thought rabbit meat was delicious.

"Are you going to kill me?" I asked him.

"You're scary Chrissy," he said when I told him I love reading up on serial killers.

He then went on to share with me how his dad was a sniper during the war and is now an architect and how the mood was always tense when the dad was around. Bad childhood definitely. His mom is now living separately on her own while his sister and father still live together. These are intimate details you share when you start to open up to someone. Yes?

5am struck and he decided we should sleep. With my back facing him, he decided to keep his hand to himself. No spooning. "Are you intentionally not cuddling me?" I asked. And he threw his right hand over to cup my left breast. After some fondling, we started kissing again gently first which shortly went right into the fast lane called 'passionately' and in no time, he was once again on top of me. Pinning me down to the bed, we kissed each other fervently and our hands explored each other's body. I really fucking love his ass. A few minutes later, he was inside of me. "Get up, I want to fuck you from behind," he said and so I did as told. He thrusted and rammed all of him into me as I took pleasure in being manhandled from behind. I held on to the bed stand as he grabbed my left boob and pulled me up close to kiss me. A few minutes of heavy thrusting later, he came and we fell asleep in no time.

We were awaken by some odd noises a few minutes later and the both of us got up together to check out what it was. It turned out, his aircon was dripping water. I told him to place a towel underneath it and come back to bed.

The day broke not long after as the sunlight came beating into his room. I kissed him on his neck and chest and he started grabbing my ass as we laid sideways facing each other. He got up, drew the curtains, pinned me down to the bed, and started stroking my pussy as he sucked on my nipples. He then slipped a finger into me and began working on my G spot. When he slipped two fingers in, I moaned louder as he fucked me with them.

"Someone's in the kitchen," he said as he kissed my neck while I was caught in an euphoric state that he was responsible for sending me to.

"Who cares?" I responded.

He came when he was fucking me sideways with his left hand on my right boob, and gave me a kiss on the forehead as he rolled out of bed. He then got dressed and went out to make coffee for the both of us. Two cigarettes and a lungo later, he told me that he wanted to start his day and I got the not-so-subtle hint and booked myself a car.

"You make me feel like a working girl you know?" This was not a question.

"Do I? I am sorry. I never wanted to. Are you expecting me to kiss and hug you like a girlfriend?

"So are we still going to continue fucking or this is the end of the arrangement?"

"Yeah, we can do that. You know fuck once in a while. Like every weekend kind," he said.

Relieved that it was an every weekend kind of arrangement, I told him to walk me down to the ride and before I got on to the car, he told me to give him a hug.

"I'll talk to you later Chrissy," he said as he put me into the car.

"Bullshit," I thought to myself and threw him a side glare as the car pulled out of the driveway of 370 Thomson Road. 

Part Deux: The Sex Tango

The second weekend of 2017 crept in upon us and left in the good old merciless fashion. Though I for sure wanted the second weekend of 2017 to stay; I wanted it to be on a standstill. The world and what's going on outside The 370 can keep going for all I care. I just wanted everything to remain frozen in time in The 370. 

"Can we spend Saturday night together?" I texted K on Thursday. 

"Yeah, I'm down. Thought it was going to be an ONS but ok, let's do it," said he. 

Thrilled that I was going to shag again for the weekend, I began reshuffling my schedule. Mind you, I had plans. I had to bring forward my day out with So. I had blocked Saturday for him and told Y that I can't commit to a swim. 

Friday came. So and I had agreed to meet at Drinks & Co at Club Street but it was packed to the brim and we detoured to Sugarhall instead. 

Met Jay and struck up a conversation with her before finding out from her that PJs' ex was there drinking alone. Texted Lc and told her how close she was to a bar bitch fight. No drama for the evening. 

10pm came and So left. I proceeded to Clarke Quay to meet up with Don -- someone who I met from Coffee Meet Bagel the day before and we had hit it off so effortlessly. True enough, the drinks date was cool. We had a great conversation but all I could think of was K. 

Sent K a text to confirm our meeting for Saturday. No reply. Played it cool.

Saturday came and texted him again to find out what's wrong. He read but no response and I got pissed. I texted Y right away to tell her that I can make it for a swim. Y flaked out at the last minute and I stayed home. 

Upset that I was going to spend my Saturday evening alone, I went to grab McDonald's. Nothing lifts my spirits up like fries. At McD's, K texted.

"Hey, I'm sorry. I went out for drinks last night and got home real late. I am having a hangover now but if you want to meet up, I'm down." 

Forgave him right away. Or rather, Miss V did. 

"Sure. Let's do it. 10pm your place."

"Let's grab drinks first aye?" 

"Ok, Drinks & Co, Holland V?"

"Aye." 

10pm came. He was there waiting for me as I strolled over. I suspected I was wearing beer googles on NYE where I first met him but with 20/20 vision this time around, I reaffirmed the fact that he indeed was cute.

"Hi," he hugged me and I hugged him back. Wtf, why not a kiss? 

Took our seat and ordered a bottle of gin infused rubharb water (in Ben's words) to share. 

Chatted at lengths and he finally came clean with me about his age. Time check, 12 midnight and we decided to head home. Went to 7-11 to grab condoms and cigarettes and we headed for his place.

"Would you like some wine?" he asked. 

"Sure." He then poured us each a glass. 

We got comfortable on his bed and chatted more. Finishing up my first glass of wine, he suddenly said, "You better put away the glass." 

Before I knew it, he grabbed me, dragged me across and pinned me down to the bed while I was still holding the empty glass. We locked lips passionately (again) and fuck, it felt so good. I didn't know I had yearned for him this bad. He took the empty wine glass, placed it on the floor and came back to kiss me again. Slowly, he made his way down my neck and my chest. He gently pulled my blouse down to expose my chest and slowly kissed them all over. I held his head and ruffled his hair, grabbed him near and moaned softly. "Kelvin." I unbuttoned him, still locked in his embrace and kisses. 

"We're kissing like lovers," he said. 

He took off my shorts and went down on me. His warm and moist tongue touching my hot and wet pussy. He licked the clitoris and inserted a finger into my vagina. I was in heaven. And when he took out his finger, he lowered his tongue to where the moist was. 

With my blouse at my waist, I sat up in my lingerie and told him to take it off. We were still kissing, in fact, we never did stop. And so he did, looked at my exposed breasts and kissed me again passionately. I unbuckled his belt and pulled his jeans down. Calvin Klein looked good on him. He then propped me up, sat me on his lap and we kissed each other again sitting up. Our skin felt good touching, I could feel his hard-on against my naked pussy. This went on for about a minute before I stood up. I held his hand and pulled him up from bed to where the bedroom door was. I held him close and kissed him again. And he did something which took me by surprise.

Halfway through our kissing whilst standing up, he lifted me up by my both thighs and carried me to the wall. Pinned with my back against the wall, I gave him a clear eye-level view of my exposed breasts and I could see the desire in his eyes. He suckled on my breasts and kissed them with lust so conspicuous to the naked eye. I held him close and let him do whatever the fuck he wanted with me. When he put me down finally, I went down on my knees. Making sure he had a good view of all the action, I slowly licked his balls and teased the tip of his cock with my tongue. When I teabagged him with my hand working on his beautifully salivated cock, he moaned "Where did you learn that from?" 

"Come to Europe," he said. 

As horny as we were, our foreplay lasted a good 30 minutes. When he couldn't handle my blowjob anymore, he pushed me to the bed and started kissing me passionately again. He then reached out for the condom, put it on and put his stiffness in me. I moaned and he started fucking me hard. Throughout the fuck, we never did stop kissing each other if the position allowed that is. At a point where it got a little mellowed down, it felt as we were making love. We kissed, we both smiled as we kissed, we stopped and stared at each other while he was thrusting me, and kissed again, and smiled again. 

He came. One fuck down. 

The hangover got the better of him and he wanted to rest. So we did. And we hugged, kissed some more, smiled at each other while we kissed some more, and slept. 

In the wee hours I woke up because I wanted a shower. I kissed him, his neck, his very defined chest and worked my way down his stomach and to his cock. Kissed his stiffness with the briefs still on and he moaned. I stumbled my way in the dark to the bathroom and took a shower. 

When I got back, I once again marvelled at his body. That ass. 

We fucked again because we kissed again. Our kisses were always this potent and I have no idea why. This time around, the fuck was slow but it felt nice nonetheless. More kisses, more smiling as we kissed and more arms-wrapped-around-each-other. Something under his bed snapped. 

We both said, "What was that?" 

"Should we check it out?" I asked when he was inside me.

"No." And he continued to thrust. 

Two fucks down. 

Then morning came. He woke me up with a kiss. And we started kissing again, or rather, we kept teasing each other with light pecks on the lips. And we kept smiling at each other. He stroke the sides of my face, I stroke his too and we both smiled. I then slithered and wriggled myself under the blankets while kissing him on his neck and chest. Making my way down slowly, I could hear his soft moans of enjoyment. I knew I was sending him to heaven. I pulled his briefs down and teased his hard-on with the tip of my tongue. Slowly, I glided my tongue down to his balls and started to lick them. He moaned louder. "Suck me," he commanded. With no objections, I slowly put the head of his hard-on in my mouth and glided my tongue across the pee-hole. He moaned harder. Slowly and gently, I went down lower. He held the back of my head and put the whole of him in my mouth. 

Flipping me over, he went down licking me again. He inserted two fingers in me and reached for the G-spot. He found it, he played with it and I moaned so hard. I wanted him to fuck me but I wanted to suck him more and so I did. 

"I want to fuck you baby." 

"But I want to suck you."

So I did. And he came and I cleaned him up with my tongue and mouth after. 

Now a lot of people don't really know this but I really do enjoy giving and pleasing in bed. And probably to show off my skills. And I sure as hell bet K met the fuck of his life on the second weekend of 2017. 

He then went to make coffee for the both of us. I had one shot, he had three. We smoked and didn't kiss or hug. We chatted like friends and I think I may have fallen for him. He put on his jogging tights and I couldn't stop looking at his very amazing body, legs and ass. Ever seen anyone looks good in jogging tights? Him. 

"Come to bed," I said after he put on his running tee. He came to bed, kissed me on my right ear and cheek. "I really want to start my day now," he whispered into my ear. Motherfucker.

I got up, got dressed and said "OK, I've overextended my stay it seems and thank you for the evening. Bill me." We both sniggered. I hope he caught my sarcasm but in my heart I was screaming "I think I have fallen for you and I want to spend more time with you!" 

He walked me down and when my car arrived, he hugged me. No kiss again, WTF?

I felt shitty and spent Sunday afternoon swimming, then Monday evening, and then Tuesday evening -- all just I could clear my head and wrap it around things. But at the moment it seems, the only thing I want to wrap around is his cock with my tongue and his body with my arms.

I spent a good three days thinking about the possibility of us being together. Not a slight chance. Why? Basically, even though he said the chemistry we share is scaring him, he started out (or rather both of us) making it explicitly clear that we are just going to be FwBs.

"To be honest, I can't expect something serious from us for now," he had said. 

Oddly enough, when you tell your heart not to fall in love, that's when it does. I have a thing for him and it's perhaps the strongest I've felt in the last two years.

I'm a motherfucking masochist.

Part Un: A Kiss At The Stroke Of 12

I totally don't get my life now.

See I was a wrecked somebody a few years ago. I didn't love myself, I wasn't established in my career, and I sure as hell didn't look as good as I do now. But the funny thing is, I had a lot of luck with men. Like one after another kinda luck. 

Since the beginning of 2016, I had sensed something amiss. Love luck hasn't been on my side. Say, I met a couple who I was remotely interested in to get to know and our first date went well but something would come up (I don't know what?) in the midst and then, end of story. Strangely, the pattern followed through for the entire year and just when I thought 2017 was going to get better, the Universe decided that it is for the better of me that I remain very single. 

Ok, I do admit. I honestly don't have the time/focus to put into a relationship or another person right now. I am dedicating all of me to my career and improving myself both mentally and physically. That means I don't have time for negativity and being in a relationship means there WILL be quarrels and misunderstandings and drama isn't it? Unless it's a relationship akin to the one I had with Carl but what are the chances? Fat. Honestly speaking though, I do miss having someone who I can have earth-shattering sex and cuddle with. And apart from that, I think I would like to feel desired -- which I really am but I just want ONE to desire me. 

***

I went out on NYE to Haji Lane Street party with a vengeance. Haha, the Sex Goddess was pretty upset that she only got laid 3 times in 2016. I can't help it when my expectations are high but I do blame myself for it. "Come on Chrissy, just close your eyes and tell him not to talk. That way you wouldn't have to see his face and body and you don't have to tolerate the broken English and not-so-witty jokes." That didn't work. For I couldn't blind or deafen myself just cause Miss V is in need of some serious action. 

So I went out on NYE knowing I'll get laid. Really, that was how confident I was. Less than half an hour there, an English man came and took a cigarette from me. We spoke a little but nah, no attraction at all. Next please. 

An hour of dancing by myself later, a Israeli man came to chat me up. Cute. He had a septum piercing, lush thick beard and totally looked like your favourite kinda hipster. "What does this person do? And how much does he make," I thought to myself and decided not to have anything to do with him. But it doesn't end there.

"Guess correct where I'm from and I shall give you a kiss," said septum piercing. 

"Israel."

His eyes widened and asked how did I know.

If I had guessed it wrong, you would have said I guessed it right because you want to kiss me. 

Dude.

So he went for it, grabbed me by both cheeks and held me close to him. I pushed him away and told him to come back at 12. No way was I going to kiss someone before 12. 

As the new year drew near, time was ticking, I wasn't panicking if I would go home with somebody or will I have someone to kiss when we usher in 2017. Then came him... 

K came at 11:53pm and took Y's spot. She then screamed at him "Hey, you stole my spot!" He went apologetic and started talking to me. In less than two hours, 3 guys. /pats self on back 

K had this really strong english accent but he totally looked Asian. He reminded me so much of Mark T'wang and it's of little wonder why after I found out what he does for a living. I reminded him to remember to kiss somebody at midnight. 

11:58pm. 

"Hey you wanna get to the middle of the crowd when the countdown begins?" asked K. 

"Sure, let's do it!" 

He grabbed my hand and I then grabbed Y and we pushed our way into the crowd. With a beer in my hand, I ready myself mentally for the new year. 

"Everyone! We're only 20 seconds away from the new year now!" screamed the not-very-good DJ. 

K looked at me. When the countdown began at T-minus 10 seconds, he took me and pressed his lips on mine. I liked the way he smell, taste and kiss. The crowd cheered as the last digit of the year changed. We continued to kiss. We parted our lips and looked at each other and kissed again.

Kiss. Look. Repeat for about 4 times.

"Great start to the fucking year." I thought to myself as Y took me and dragged me out of the place. K didn't chase. 

Ten minutes and silly-dancing by the roadside later, I walked back to where the crowd was and found him. 

"Why didn't you take my number?" I asked him.

He then took out his phone and I gave it to him.

"Are you going to forget who I am tomorrow?" I asked him.

"Yes."

I walked away. Went down to this bar at JE for darts. Didn't enjoy the place but I was too high to be a bitch about it. 

Half an hour later, K texted. 

"Hey, it's K. Why didn't you stay?"

"You didn't ask me to."

"What if I say it now?"

"I'm in the far west now playing darts."

"We should spend the night together. I enjoyed our kiss."

After some deliberation later, I found myself standing at the foot of this condo opposite Thomson Medical Centre. He came to pick me up and spoke to the security guard a little. I like this guy already. 

We didn't waste no time and started making out. To be honest, everything happened in such a blur. I remember admiring the amazing view out his bedroom window and getting naked and stopping midway to chat. We had real good convos and he's a great kisser. I was seriously overjoyed I got myself a cutie. But yes, if he hadn't been cute, I wouldn't have gone home with him. Life is unfair isn't it? 

He took off my shorts and went down on me. Fuck, it felt so good. I love being eaten out. And when he proceeded to eat my ass out, I thank all Gods in heaven for bestowing me such a great fuck. I sucked him, we kissed, he licked me some more, and we began to fuck like rabbits. 

Two shags later, I told him I needed a shower. He got up, threw me a towel and showed me where the bathroom was (fucking huge apartment). "Can I join?" he asked. "Erm, no," 

Having no makeup remover when you go out is a cardinal sin. It means you have to wash your face 54354 times to remove every shit. And having no clue where the facial wash was is another. Because I had to wash my face with body wash. 

I returned to his room and looked at his bod, the defined lines, the tightness of it and began to wonder if he is actually 30 years old like what he had said. He was lying down in bed awake when I entered the room. I started fondling him with my tits and he moaned. 

Two shags later, I decided to sleep to the happy thought of the tightness of his ass. He cuddled me from behind and when I turned to face him, he put his arm around me and held me close to his chest. "Now we're like lovers," he said. 

The next morning, we shagged twice and he made me coffee. We both stood by the window, had our coffee, admired the first daybreak of 2017 and had a few smokes. 

"You're not 30 are you?" I asked

"No, I'm 26." 

Ok, so I slept with someone 5 years my junior? Not that bad, I can live with that.

When I got home, I ran a CSI on him and found out that he's actually turning 23 this year (2017) which means he's 9 years my junior. To give you a better perspective of age difference, he was only 11 when I was 20.

I have officially become a cougar.