Be thankful for what you got.

August motherfucking 23rd 2017.

The stretch of time that has intervened between then and now, has once again brought forth the light of things. Fighting to swallow the fact that I'm once again on another crossroad, I resisted pouring myself a glass of Malbec to wash it down. I really need to cut back on the drinking.

Life has a way to fuck all of us up. Biding farewell to Kn was hard. Having to think of biding farewell to Cs next week is even harder. I admit, I'll feel alone. Probably feel like the only saint surrounded by a sea of monsters. And the thought of having to dance daily with so many devils just fucking depresses me.

It's ok. Like attracts like. Let's just be positive and have faith that things will take a pivotal turn around toward the light.

I don't remember Carl anymore. Thinking of him now feels different. And looking at his photos certainly does not evoke any emotions. Time has its way to heal every wound. Lesson learnt: when you fucking feel like you're going to die, chant 7577878 times to yourself TIME WILL HEAL. The only downside is, and I am not going to sugarcoat my words here, that you'll find time between now and the future a pain in the ass to live through. You'll bawl, you'll go insane and you'll even do things you won't typically do. And this will just mean, when the future has finally come, you'll be someone different.

"What doesn't kill you won't make you stronger. It just makes you funnier."

Falling in love when you're older is tough. Think about the times where you had easily felt for someone -- exchange looks, smile, BAM. That was easy. When you're older, you exchange death stares, scowl, BAM, "next". I find people a total turn off these days. I don't get excited about people, and neither do I get excited looking at designer shoes and bags anymore. The only excitement I have these days is to see the money rolling in, and knowing I will retire with a million dollars on hand in another 30 years' time. I would however, be thankful, if I don't have to wait thirty years for that to happen. I am officially a rat in the race now. /18 year-old me laughing at 32 year-old me now

People typically whine about the things they don't have. Why can't you just suck it up and work towards that? If you don't like how you look, change it. If you don't like what you do, change it. Happiness is not something that just happen to you. You got to find it. So what makes you happy? Jot them all down and envision that end goal. Then work out a gap analysis that will help you move towards that -- step by step.

I really like how my 2017 is unfolding thus far, though I might want to change up 90% of things. I swear having met Kn and Cs is one of the few good things that have happened to me. And I plan to keep them very close for a long period of time. I am happy too, having met Mikki, cause he made me feel alive for a month. Waking up smiling has been something I hadn't been able to do for two years and a half. And I am thankful for that. He just doesn't know how significant this is to me. But fuck him nonetheless.

So, I'm back to being the girl who goes to work every Monday to Friday, goes for her Muay Thai practice every Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday, then swim on Sundays.

I guess there's a difference between then and now -- me then and me now. Definitely more independent, stronger, and very possibly kicking more ass in the corporate world.

I ought to feel happy, don't I?

All Hail Chrissy!

Ah, another Monday has ended. Another 19 of June gone just like that -- in a bat of an eye. As much as I had wanted to hold on to time, half of 2017 gone. Just like that.

Time -- since the beginning of my time -- has always been my nemesis. The one which I've been battling with and the only one who I can never defeat (and the weighing scale). We're all victims of Time. Not ageing, not cancer, and not death. These are merely what Time brings forth. Our one true enemy is Time.

Time was the culprit for breaking up your ex lover and you. He was the mastermind behind you saying goodbye to all your friends in school. He also was the cause of you failing your exams. Lastly, he took Brownie and Sparky away, took whoever I cared for away and brought them to a place where I can never be reunited with them again. 

Time, our one true enemy. He steals memories away from you no matter how painstakingly you try to hold on to, past the point of no return. With time, everything eventually fades into nothingness. With time, we will soon too slip into the unknown.

With my 9 month old niece now in this world, I feel myself slipping into the abyssal darkness of the unknown quicker than before. Her innocence reminds me of the times where days were easier -- no love, no sentiments. Just mom and dad, food and exams. Life's simple, we got complicated. 

Half a year gone just like that and I find myself struggling with finding another job again. In less than eight months, I'm once again on the road of doubts and measuring my self worth with the number of phone-calls I get back from the sending of the CVs. I don't want to leave Colin and I don't want him to leave us. Why did Time once again take something so precious away from me? I finally found a boss, a place where I see myself growing professionally with for a good few years. This, is hard to come by because if you look through my CV, you will waste no time to emblazon a CHRONIC JOB-HOPPER label over it.

Fuck. 

I hate having to explain myself to all the recruiters on why I left this job, that job. If I'm unhappy at work, I leave. It's that simple. Why would anyone drag her feet into a cesspit every day? God have mercy on that poor soul who does. Love yourself a little. If you're not happy for 260 days in a year minus the weekends where you don't have to work, you will be in a mental institute eventually. Not to visit but as a patient. Unless you enjoy taking Xanax like Skittles, no one should ever have to work in a place where they are miserable. Period. It's just that fucking simple, why can't hiring managers and recruiters get it? I'm a millennial, duh.

I'm turning 32 in July and I'm very much single. I still enjoy listening to the Phantom of the Opera soundtrack. I'm doing very well for a high school dropout and I have recently gained 4kg. I guess this is how 2017 unfolds and I am sure it will continue to be this mediocre. 

If you're asking about my sex life, let's just say burning the bridge between K and I has got to be one of the biggest mistakes I've committed in life. He was such a wonderful fuck and how I regret, how I regret now. 

The Ghost

It's been probably a long time since I last saw and spoke to Carl. Yeah, if you've been a friend (don't even need you to be a close one), you WILL definitely know who he is. 

He's after all, my 'the one who got away'. 

Life's mysterious and the world's small. Putting Law of Attraction a case in point, it seems I am still in a world that has him in it. Having moved on from what was the perfect relationship in my opinion, I have learnt to live on my own independently with much effort made in being alone. It was never my forte but I learnt never to settle for less because I know what I truly deserve. 

Coincidentally, my boss was a secondary school mate of his and I learnt this today. What are the odds? There are a ton too many secondary schools in Singapore and both of them just have to be born in the same year, went to the same school, and share a close friend -- Terry Lee. 

I can't comprehend the reasoning behind this arrangement. I cannot keep up with the number of people around me who know him. I got envious of my boss this afternoon upon learning they spent 4 years together in high school though they weren't chummy. I didn't even get four years of his time and very obviously, if my boss was to chance upon him on the streets again, I will definitely be one of the many things they would share. 

I don't even want him to know that I'm doing well. He does not deserve to know. 

I don't want him back, and neither do I want to be someone who he will think of from time to time while looking at his current girlfriend. I don't want him to be reminded of me at all. For he doesn't deserve any bit concerning me -- not even memories. 

So please, let you be the one thing I talk about from time to time, think about sometimes when I can't sleep at night, picture on the punching bag at my Muay Thai training and the one thing I desire which I can never have. Just so I can fully grasp the concept of letting go, and that there are many times in life where things are out of our control and out of reach.

At night before bed

late at night before bed

my soul unrest, I remain wide awake.

fade into an abyss, often my thoughts did,

--my fears, my tears, my solitude years

I miss the presence of love

its warmth and burning hope it unearths 

I miss having someone to hold

to feel complete, hopeful and whole

knowing I'll never settle; 

what I expect is what I deserve.

I can't do grays, I can't do less,

and never second to best

all while knowing too, 

that my wishes are simple
yet akin to a pair of outstretched hands into the horizon of blue