The stretch of time that has intervened between then and now, has once again brought forth the light of things. Fighting to swallow the fact that I'm once again on another crossroad, I resisted pouring myself a glass of Malbec to wash it down. I really need to cut back on the drinking.
Life has a way to fuck all of us up. Biding farewell to Kn was hard. Having to think of biding farewell to Cs next week is even harder. I admit, I'll feel alone. Probably feel like the only saint surrounded by a sea of monsters. And the thought of having to dance daily with so many devils just fucking depresses me.
It's ok. Like attracts like. Let's just be positive and have faith that things will take a pivotal turn around toward the light.
I don't remember Carl anymore. Thinking of him now feels different. And looking at his photos certainly does not evoke any emotions. Time has its way to heal every wound. Lesson learnt: when you fucking feel like you're going to die, chant 7577878 times to yourself TIME WILL HEAL. The only downside is, and I am not going to sugarcoat my words here, that you'll find time between now and the future a pain in the ass to live through. You'll bawl, you'll go insane and you'll even do things you won't typically do. And this will just mean, when the future has finally come, you'll be someone different.
"What doesn't kill you won't make you stronger. It just makes you funnier."
Falling in love when you're older is tough. Think about the times where you had easily felt for someone -- exchange looks, smile, BAM. That was easy. When you're older, you exchange death stares, scowl, BAM, "next". I find people a total turn off these days. I don't get excited about people, and neither do I get excited looking at designer shoes and bags anymore. The only excitement I have these days is to see the money rolling in, and knowing I will retire with a million dollars on hand in another 30 years' time. I would however, be thankful, if I don't have to wait thirty years for that to happen. I am officially a rat in the race now. /18 year-old me laughing at 32 year-old me now
People typically whine about the things they don't have. Why can't you just suck it up and work towards that? If you don't like how you look, change it. If you don't like what you do, change it. Happiness is not something that just happen to you. You got to find it. So what makes you happy? Jot them all down and envision that end goal. Then work out a gap analysis that will help you move towards that -- step by step.
I really like how my 2017 is unfolding thus far, though I might want to change up 90% of things. I swear having met Kn and Cs is one of the few good things that have happened to me. And I plan to keep them very close for a long period of time. I am happy too, having met Mikki, cause he made me feel alive for a month. Waking up smiling has been something I hadn't been able to do for two years and a half. And I am thankful for that. He just doesn't know how significant this is to me. But fuck him nonetheless.
So, I'm back to being the girl who goes to work every Monday to Friday, goes for her Muay Thai practice every Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday, then swim on Sundays.
I guess there's a difference between then and now -- me then and me now. Definitely more independent, stronger, and very possibly kicking more ass in the corporate world.
I ought to feel happy, don't I?
