Spending some time looking back at the past year, I wondered what I was doing this time last year. And I finally, I think I finally have the courage to write this here.
*puts on Keshi - Dream*
So I took down "Life, Earth, Colony" from the bookshelf, then flipped to the page where a bunch of photos were kept. Him.
I met him about a week after National Day last year. He was visiting Singapore, on an expedition with NUS, a visiting professor. We started off exchanging sporadic texts with each other, then as he was about to board his plane back to Oxford, we started texting more. So it's to say we never got the chance to see each other in real life, not until we FaceTimed each other much later of course.
It was interesting our interaction. Though I am trying hard now to recall what we mainly spoke about, I know the attraction and the exchange of intellect were mutual. I do sometimes though, looked back at our conversations and smiled to myself. So, due to our time difference, I would always wait for my phone to ding at about 3pm in the afternoon. Because... he had to get up for kids' duty. It's funny, because when you tell yourself you will never fall for a married man, that's when it happened. And I fell, I fell head over heels in love with someone I've never met before, who's a married man with two children. Is he unhappily married though? You bet. At least that was what he told me.
Fast forward, some flirtation on, we both decided we do indeed like each other--a lot. He loved how carefree, bubbly I was. I loved how we have our in-jokes and how we never seem to run out of things to talk about. Yes--never seem to run out of things to talk about, that's important isn't it? It's the foundation for all relationships and a pre-essential for anything to even blossom. Matches of ideas, exchanges of witty banters. Then came our first FaceTime meet, where he was shy and blushing all the way. Then came the second, the third and so on. Our 'relationship' lasted 3 months. Just right before we firmed up plans for us to finally meet in Tenerife. Why Tenerife though? I believe he had to attend a wedding there, sans the wife and kids, and that's when we thought was a good idea but just to put a face to this virtual stranger you know. Nothing extramarital.
Of course I ended up going to Bali for a yoga retreat because we then thought it was a bad idea for us to meet in Tenerife. The closure was that I think we both caught feelings and there was no way he could leave his wife. Of course, I would never have expected him to do that. Two conversations and some exchange of lengthy texts after, we parted ways.
And so, he became the first man I had fallen in love with, whom I would never meet. At least, there are a few videos of him on YouTube giving talks and it's not hard to just listen to voice at all.
I still wonder though, if he visited Singapore just recently.
Closure
Some people respect you enough to give it—closure. Narcissists? Not so much. Because why, really, would anyone with a conscience leave a real relationship without it? Why is it considered acceptable by some to leave words unsaid, explanations ungiven?
My recent experience has given me a harsh insight: emotional maturity doesn’t automatically come with age. And how spiteful, how egoistic someone can be, caring only for their own feelings and not a single thought for yours.
If a stranger—someone I’ve never met in person, never spent time with—could offer closure to our encounter (perhaps because he cared), why couldn’t a partner, someone I’ve given my support, encouragement, and heart to, do the same?
Does it mean I mattered more to a stranger?
