是谁的心啊  

孤单地留下

他还好吗

我多么想爱他

那永恒的泪

凝固的一句话 

也许可能蒸发  

Just a little crush.

Why do I not feel empowered enough to develop my own feel of complacency now?

When I read your blog, why do I feel such jealousy?

How different are we?

Is simplicity really your bliss?

-

Which way have I taken?

How have I been walking?

Or have I been chasing pavements again?

What to blossom?

What do I know?

When a withered,

tells the gloom.

Then it'd be back and forth,

nevertheless,

endlessly.

Hello stranger.

Goodbye friend.

the lone sun.

the lonelier sun.

Another.

Another one down. 3 from my graduating primary school class are married. A lot more are engaged. Thank God, none invited me. Thank God, those whom I still talk to are still fooling around and no one wants to marry em (Yes you!). Is it me? Or is it everyone else? Why do I feel a mixture of envy and "LOLs" when I see every one of em getting hitched?

Envy? Well because I think I will look so much hotter with professional make up and I envy them for wearing nice pretty gowns! /mews "LOLs" because, I guess we will be missing out a lot after marriage. God! Seeing the same face everyday (imagine if it's Shrek you married) is just not going to do anything better to the relationship. Aye? And how are you supposed to know that him/her is just going to be the one? Imagine going through individual transitions, how sure are we to know whether he/she would still be around?

What's with the banquet? Isn't it more than a chore to be throwing such massive event? Half of the guests who turn up are ones whom you barely speak to in years? And maybe most of them are ones you've never spoken to in your entire life. Then what joy could you possibly share? How happy do they actually feel for you? Talk about hypocrisy. I would rather book zouk and have my granny break dance at phuture. With this kinda money throwing a banquet could cost, I can own a Birkin seriously. What's more important than having a Hermes?

The thought of having to wake up at 4am is so terrifying. I would rather club or dota till 4am. Shittish. How am I going to survive this kinda long day with the so called adrenalin rush? Can a bride actually yawns when she's on the stage cutting the wedding cake? I might need triple shots of expresso injected into me every hour.

Why do you guys want to get married in this kinda conventional manner anyway?

By asking the groom to wear female G string on his head when he comes over to get the bride, is not going to make it anywhere special or interesting. Do I get myself clear? Whatever shit tricks the typical 'sisters' can come up with, at the end of the day, he still gets her. Someone tell me one groom had actually died from drinking the potent mixture of flaming cokewasabichrysathemumvodkamilo?

Don't get me wrong. I would love to be married. I would beg to have someone who's so mine to spend the rest of my life with. My wedding is going to be a very quiet event with only ones whom I am sure I speak to, I've spoken to, and I know who he/she exactly is. There's a reason why we call it a matrimonial union and not a matrimonial orgy. A backdrop of the setting sun, a pastor (in God's place), my family and close friends, me and mine.

Use the money, go to France, Paris, Milan and get a birkin. Really. And a Cartier for wedding band.

Yeah. I think the 24 hour drive through at Vegas best suits me.

An upside down apple tree,

half a butterfly.

queen fleur,

a phoenix,

and a snail with horns.

My gardenplay.

The Sex Goddess.1

Today shall be the last day I feast.

I am going to do my lemonade detoxification every morning.

Lemons + water + organic maple syrup/honey

For three days, I'm going to live solely on Lemonade.

The cycle shall be 3 on lemon, 1 on normal meals.

Did I tell you this is my ninth day of not smoking?

I impress myself quite a lot you know.

So doubtlessly, with an inner strength like this,

it shouldn't be hard to go back to 56kg.

=(.

I'll aim for lighter than that when I'm already that okay!

Can someone set a T rex on me please!

Never been exposed photos! Because I had thought I was fat back then (which I was). Now that I'm a whale! Looking back always makes the heart cringe in pain.

..!.. myself.

Why do I even let myself slip back right back on board the ship of whales again?!

And the reason why I uploaded these ain't because I want to motivate myself.

It's because I stumbled upon some fatty sex blogger who even dare pose her nude photos which are rather disturbing.

And to think there're guys who left suggestive comments.

I had thought all those comments were disses.

That reminded me of something which my boyfriend told me recently. Heh.

I totally understand why some men even resort to such sub-standards. First of all, these men are usually the low in confidence kinda. Don't deny, you know you have an issue with your self esteem if you fuck blue whales. (Don't look at me, I still believe I'm with the smallest species of whales. And I can always revert back to being a mermaid, mark my words.)

Secondly, these girls themselves are the easiest preys for the sub standards predators. (What? You expect one caveman who's cowardly and feeble to go hunt a prized Sabre Tooth Tiger?) And bedding these girls are as easy as counting how many toes you have, unless you're telling me you're a retard. Based on ongoing case studies around me, this is what I dare conjure up. Some girls just like to give free sex to better validate their insecurities, for e.g, after one night of mad fucking with strangers, they'd feel good about themselves 95% of the times because they can make themselves believe that there are indeed men who want them, though not exactly the dream guys, nor the hot/cute ones. This, we call delusional disorder. 5% of the times, they actually snap back to reality and their thresholds, and realize what they have been doing are just self worth validation which no one has been able to give to them because without exposing lotsa boobies/booties, no one actually cares to give a second look. Within these brazen fucks with strangers, these girls actually feel lousy about themselves most of the times. These 'lousiness' about themselves usually induce the sleeping around and so on. Then they'd remember the 95% of the times when they felt good about themselves, so they abolish the 5% of shittish feeling and go around doing the same routine over and over again. It's a vicious cycle.

What I would say here is this: definitely, do not expect me to be singing "you are beautiful. no matter what they say... words can't bring you down. " No. fuck it. Stop deluding yourself. Words can't bring you down I'm sure, but quit lying to yourself that you're the one in demand. Bottom line is you do not need to be in men's demand to feel good about yourself. I know fully about the never dying relationship with girls and attention, tell me more about it. And it makes me feel so angry to learn that there are girls who aren't too bad themselves crying out for attention and doing all the uncalled fors. Let me teach you how to snap out of the sleeping around cycle and be a complacently happy person, on your own.

1. Lose weight

2. Get a healthy hobby of reading, painting, poetry, pottery, whatever

3. Engage a healthy lifestyle of moderate clubbing/drinking and quit smoking (now that I have, I can proudly diss all you smokers out there. Muhahahaha!)

4. Learn how to tease and flirt from the sex goddess (a.k.a yours truly)

5. Listen to nouvelle vague and quit those black music on hoes and pimps

When you've done all of the above, you'd realize that there'd be a lot of men flocking to you (not exactly the sub standard ones, but they'd still be in this flock anyway). And these, (another statistic) probably 75% wants to solely sleep with you, 20% wants to sleep with you and perhaps get to know a little more on your inside (which won't be difficult for you, because besides fucking strangers now, you've picked up a new healthy hobby which somewhat intrigues the men). 5% (which is not definitely accurate most of the times) want to genuinely know you as an individual. Bottom line is this, and remember this, men are just useless pricks with a brain and a penis but not enough blood to run both simultaneously. All of them want sex, but whether they only want it from you and only you, is something which you need to learn to tackle.

Another thing is this, do not always want to engage in something romantic with the men. Because if you do, your body sells you out. Your body language shows it, and the men ain't dumb enough not to read your signs which are as prominent as a blinking green man saying "Go!". The only person you need to impress in this whole world is yourself. If you do not expect anything, you won't go all out to accomplish your expectations.

You, yourself, is your world.

And your goal is,

You, yourself ought to be his world.

P.S anyone wanna dance?!

A Gardenparty.

"Chrissyeepoo was being put on the shelf today, untouched. A spider had managed to spin some web over her. Dust was collected at the foot of her floral pink dress. Her porcelain faced was smeared with dirt, and one of her lashes was falling off, barely sticking to her still left eye. Her hair, untidy as it was, was black and long. It's now glittered with soft greys... Cold and all alone, she sat on the teak brown shelf. With no flutter of lids, she stared at an empty room, the chilling four walls with no life. She waits for a rainbow."

I am going to get myself a box of color pencils tomorrow! I think I'll look for a 72 colors one! I should go back to sketching! And designing! As suggested by Yvonne, because I drew her a wedge, and a dress some nights ago using my mouse. I'm going broke! And I might not have enough for a pretty nice sketch book. So I'm going to do it the most conventional way, I'm going to do drawing block. :D

Daddy was wearing a tie with his briefs. Damn psychotic!

Hah! I don't wanna grow up because I still want to draw this way! ;p

Butterflies.

"the sere of an eventuality heralds the genesis of a beginning..."

Last night, I dreamt a love so surreal, soft and filled with gentleness. Just like the look I saw through the window that night, it was delicate as a feather. It felt as if the world had stopped, and I had started to melt with you. A string of butterflies was given birth, whirled me in for a period of merciless time. And it began again, on a different note, a new fashion with similarities which myself couldn't resist. Old nostalgia swept over me, yet it was another face I see. A face which took every adoration and I so very wish to keep as mine for as long as he should permit.

The birth of another dimension occurred. It was unpredictable. It took me by surprise and helplessly, I am falling again into a bottomless pit which was limitless. There isn't a basis to feel at all, no foundation was laid. Am I to blame for being blinded by the intensity when it is such an irresistible imaginary grace? When it is an extremity unlike others, all within a beatitude so mild and meek.

Gone are mundane days with senseless meaningless conversations. Every verbal interaction calls for intellectual and emotional stimulation. The amber of our togetherness induce a faith which I could hold on to. Do we need a lot to say when careless words exchanged are mere nothingness ridded of gravity? Isn't this feeling inside me of a more sovereign role of reality?

You awoke me.

And now, I see you.

I look like a joker and Mel look stunned because I look like a joker.

The internet connection tonight is a whore. Whenever I open up a new tab, it would take ages to load "Top Sites" (if you're using Safari) and most of the times, it hangs and yeah, it's still hanging. I'm lighting up cigs fast because I am so, you know, impatient. And really emo/needy today. I feel so worthless about myself suddenly. I'm like the one chasing now. And I totally despise it. Fuck me. ;)

So I went down to Chinatown and got a quarter pounder burger for Yvonne, in hope to persuade her to head down to St James with me.

After about two hours, she gave a 'no' so I took her Dragonfly Membership card and headed down.

Yes, dragonfly, you heard me. Doesn't matter luh, so as long it's free. You know I really detest queues and cover charges.

The night turned out to be wilder than what I've expected. Chilling champagne at Belini Room and overlooking Boiler made me feel so special with the whole boiler at my feet.

Went down over to Powerhouse and found Melvin. He then saw another side of me.

Dragged Melvin over to Movida because the girls wanted Latinos. And both Melvin and I concluded Powerhouse and Movida used the same CD to spin. Fugging cheating Foo family and Gordon's mahjong khakis. =)

By the time we were at Movida, most of us were tipsy already.

But fuck, not me, I knew I was dehydrating fast. But I couldn't stop myself from dancing. I was at the inside bar of Movida, a higher platform, I have got to get back to myself for at least once, so be it this, the first in three years. So when I got the attention from those who turned to watch, YES! Fuggin hell! I am still THERE!!!! To the niggas and whites beside me, no, you guys can't dance. And just get a room please. I can practically see the dick erected on the ang moh's face already. So yeah, get a fuckin room.

Damn it feels so good to know I can still dance!

While Melvin was leading me out of Movida, I broke a mug. And I ran away. =D

Left the club at around 3am and shared a cab with him, dropped him at his place first and I was shit thirsty, I had to ask the uncle to drop us at some seven eleven near yew tee to get drinks.

The aftermath of this club event was a two day long dehydration fest. First day of hangover, I drank like a camel who happened to stumble upon an oasis. Second day of hangover (which is today), because of the Indon cuisine I had on the first day of hangover, the dehydration continued and most probably worsen because I have been on the loo runs. =)

I am the biggest attention seeker you know, do you know? But I do it subtlety most of the times, so you won't find out. Can I rant here about my current boyfriend?

He reminded me so much like Alloy.

Look at entries in year 2007 and read the mental rides I had back then.

I'm really crossing my fingers.

I doubt I might be able to handle.

So when I can't, I run away. Just like how I couldn't handle the breaking of the mug.