I like to keep things to myself. To be exact, I like to keep things that sadden me to myself. I don't see a point in telling anyone about it. It might be true that you'll feel better after telling someone about it. But more than often, anyone outside the circle of involvement won't be able to fully grasp the depth of what you are saying or whatever you are saying at all. So I've learnt to keep things to myself.
The past two days have been a turmoil. It has caused the both of us distress. We've cried in each other's arms and we've expressed our fear in losing each other. We do care for each other and we're always happy together. Our times together consist nothing short of laughter, fun and love. Sadly, the love that I had thought it was, wasn't it after all.
I thought whatever I was left with when I met you died and I wanted so much to right things. I don't know how. I really want to take your hand and run away to somewhere where there's only the two of us. I really want to hold your hand and tell you how much I love you.
I don't need to own you, I don't need to have you with me. As long as you're happy wherever you are, in whatever you do, with whoever who truly cares for you, I'm happy. I will be even though I wish I should be the person loving you, making you breakfast and kissing you good night.
The more I say, the worse things might be. The more we talk about it, the fainter the beauty of the past lies. I used to say your name with fondness and love, now I just can't bring myself to anymore. And it's not because I don't love you, it's because I'm slowly letting go of this hurt and pain. I am not unreasonable nor am I illogical. I know I can never force you to love me. The more you kiss me now, the closer you hold me now, all I can think of is how these are my make-believe. These have all along been my make-believe. And it kills the beauty of our past, everything I had thought was there. If this continues, what would be left of us but an empty shell of lies and pretence? I cannot do this and I cannot let this happen. For the past six months were very dear and precious to me. I had hopes and dreams about us getting right and spending the rest of our lives together this way. At least now, I know they once existed.
It will be true to say that I can never listen to any R&B song the same way again. I can never go anywhere and eat everything the same way without thinking of you. Looking at the Spotify icon on my desktop is going to hurt now. Last night I took photos of your room and told myself that that might be the last I'll ever be in it. Knowing that you're going to move back to your house soon, I asked if you will miss everything that had happened in this room. In my head, I know that with the moving into of the new room, whatever that's going to be left behind might just be left behind. Knowing this, I am comforted at the thought that my leaving might not hurt you at all. Maybe it's still the same bed you'll be sleeping on but the four corners are going to change. So I took photos of the room and kissed Snoop goodbye, just in case I never get to see him again.
You're a darling and it pains me to see you in pain. It really does. It hurts to see you cry. It hurts to see you torn. It hurts to see you struggle to give me what I want. I don't ever want you hurt Kitteh. I love you. I just want you happy, that's all.
Love,
Bunneh
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