Sleep Induction. Relaxation. Alcohol. Smoke.

As I looked upon the empty ashtray, I recalled the promise I made to myself to never smoke. Knowing this, I lit up another stick with guilt pricking on my conscience. I needed to think and to sort out a lot on my mind and cigarettes, alcohol and sleep induction pills happen to my only aid to help achieve this.

I don't know what to feel/do anymore. Thus, I had to resort to this means. And it's not I'm an alcoholic, it's not I'm a druggie. I just have to do this.

I can turn a blind eye on what's happening around me that's landed us to this situation we are in now. With each passing day, I feel I'm losing myself. I'm slipping away bit by bit. When you asked if I'm alright, if I said no, will it make things better. No it won't. Nothing is the same anymore. Everything has spoken, words have been exchanged. Ideas conveyed, and emotions expressed. Rage, sadness, happiness all fell into a salad bowl. Top it off with thousand island dressing, you get a mash up of everything. And you get a dish that doesn't make any sense.

Engulfed in emotions that are crashing on myself like merciless raging waves, I had no one to turn to to address my pain. I have no one. I don't wish to listen to negative input, deep inside me I long for an angel to sprinkle fairy dust of hope and faith. But there is none. I have only myself. Myself.

The way I have been all along.

How do I get through this? I have no idea how to anymore. Facts remain as facts. We can't alter the truth. We can't undo the hurt. We can't go back to where we were in the past.

I yearn to be lost in the dark. I want to get lost in the woods where I can be on my own. Then maybe, maybe my superman will come rescue me. And give me a miraculous dash of hope. Maybe.

For now, all I know is that I want to run away. I want to hide and be alone. To grieve over what had been, what hadn't been and what should have been.

Nothing works the way I want them to. And the saddest thing anyone has to go through, is a world without hope.