Fortune Telling

There was a year I went to have my fortune read.

"In the future, you will meet someone who you will love a lot but he won't reciprocate. When that happens, it's crucial you surround yourself with family and friends for you might do something foolish."

He then continued, "You will never be happy working. And you will only be happy when you are in your 40s."

At this moment, I refused to let him be right. He then went on to pass away the year after.

I Wished

I wished I had controlled myself better
I wished I was stronger
I wished I hadn't gone down this path
I wished I am not back at square one

But I am

I hate this. I hate you.

White Noise is The Artwork Installation Babe

I wonder who still reads this here. As compared to other blogs where people only post glamourous photos of themselves, this is obviously the opposite. And no one enjoys reading a blog where there's no photos, beautiful girls and body expose shots.

Sometimes, I wish someone will agree with me when I said Time is our best enemy. Time is the best weapon to kill things. I slowly feel I'm drifting away with each minute. I'm standing at this place right now where I could clearly see things that happened in the past now. I'm seeing things that had taken place over the last year. Engulfed with sheer memories, I realized I couldn't shed yet another tear anymore. I guess that's what people refer to as complete numbness.

Left behind is self that doesn't feel.

And I noticed the departure of my soul with dismay.

Monotony is inevitable;

The sense of loss of things,

The loss of sense of time. 

***

And under the water you scream so loud but the silence surrounds you

But I hear it loud and you fall in the deep and I'll always find you

If my red eyes don't see you anymore

And I can't hear you through the white noise

20,000 leagues away, catch up to you on the same day

Travel at the speed of light, thinking the same thought at the same time

Heart beats at a steady pace, I'll let the rhythm show me the way

No one can find us here, fade out and disappear

- Blue Ocean Floor, Justin Timberlake 

***

Do you still remember how I smile when I first tasted medovick at pasarbella?

Do you remember the hello kitty pancakes I made at slappy cakes?

Do you remember our marketing spin for it?

Winter in March.

I am known to be expressive, creative and very good at articulating my thoughts. That's what I'm known I guess.

A lot of people don't realize about me, is that my thoughts tend to erupt in a dynamic fashion, they are never linear. When I look at things, I see its future, its past and the possibility of having it altered some way along the road. If I look at someone and I want that person near all the time, I look at his future, his past and wonder if there's anything I could do to his past to help me better understand him in this present, which may lead to me having him near me in the future. Thus, I have an undying curiosity about everyone's past. I like to know you from your past before I could go on to know you in this present and dive into your future.

Many think I'm expressive and outspoken. The truth is, I am not. I'm one better with written words. And my journals are my chambers of thoughts. I have a journal for everyone that matters to me. And I have one journal that I keep for myself. They are all my written thoughts and I know my memory is as fleeting as time. When time pulls me away from something I want to remember, I'll end up forgetting somehow. I yearn to remember the way Bennett and Benjamin made me feel. But time has pulled me further than I was meant to. I couldn't fight it.

As humans, we all feel pain. It's only right to express pain. It's only right to feel pain. Winter has fallen on me this March. And I'm left here alone to deal with my thoughts that don't travel in linear, my pain, my solitude and all the cold.

For Carl:

Winter came this March.

Gentle snow befalls around

a heart left alone and cold.

She can't make you stay

because you were never hers

She could only let you go

and wait for Spring

Till then

it'll be gentle white snow, 

soft, cold and lonely

Sun, will you ever shine?

Spring, will you ever come?