Unrequited love has to be one of the most difficult emotions around all the time. In fact--it's been my bane, it's been my only downfall, it has always been my achilles' heel.

My borderline personality disorder doesn't make it easy. I tried to regulate my black and white thinking, I tried to fight my overthinking, hyper-sensing but I find myself on the pendulum swing over and over again. Though not as vigorous, the wrecking ball still swings.

I have a fear of being replaced and I know I most probably have. The cut back on texts, the infrequent initiated unsolicited ones, and the times I just mindlessly looking at your time-stamps, knowing you're texting someone else the memes, how your day has been etc instead of me--the old me.

Unlike common folks, I find people whom I connect with irreplaceable. It's almost like the initial stage of a narcissist having met someone whom she fancies. She'd put him on a pedestal--whether or not it's idealised--and gives it her all without holding back (ref: BPD) only to not knowing how to protect herself, only to be hurt in the end when the hopes come crashing down.

I've been replaced. I've been replaced. You don't fancy me. You don't fancy. She's better. She's better. I keep repeating these in my head. What can I do besides to keep telling myself these, curl up in my bed, cry and overthink?

What better way to walk away except to keep reminding myself that I've been replaced and that you no longer need me.

When I was young, I had this real weird notion of being miss little perfect. I thought if I was smart, nice, kind, dance well, sing well, in essence, be multi-talented, I will be the perfect little thing that men love. Well, I got lucky, in a certain sense, because I never had to fake I enjoy watching football, playing video games, and sex. I grew up having an interest in all of them. To top this, I prefer conversations that entail the exchanging of ideas (no frivolous talks), I love action flicks (I hate sex and the city) and I really like being spontaneous and having fun.

It was only until recently--in fact, the past few years--that I realised what I have all along believed in turned out to be incredibly wrong. I can never hold a candle to a size 4 even when she's not the smartest. I can never hold a candle to girls who bare their chest all day long on Instagram. And I can never hold a candle to girls who just sit around talking about the recent K-drama they saw.

I do now though, have an inkling to why I could never interest the men I'm interested in. They don't wish to date someone who's very much like them. And at the end of the day, what matters most to men, in all seriousness, is just a pretty face. It's not the amount of money you make, how far you've come on your own, how intelligent and hardworking you are, how many times you weep alone in your room because you don't wish to be a burden to anyone, and how you keep pushing yourself to become a better version of yourself. You just need to be a size 2 or 4, with 36D boobs, hips of 36 inches and waistline of 24.

And that's all you'll ever need to be.