From C to C

Anger is absolutely draining. It consumes you and, more often than not, makes you behave in ways that aren’t really you. If you nurse anger for a long time, you’ll eventually become a nasty, bitter person who treats happiness like a fairytale.

Today I chose to let go of that anger. When I pictured releasing it, what came back was my true core: love. If love begets forgiveness, then I forgive him for everything from the last three weeks. When the anger left, what remained was my love for him — and there was a strange relief in seeing it still there. It meant I do love him.

*

Dear you,

It’s been two months since I last saw you, and 23 days since I last heard your voice. I miss you. I’m no longer angry, and whatever you’re going through that made you ghost me, I understand. I pushed, I chased — but I won’t do that anymore because you’ve made it clear you don’t want me in your life. I don’t hate you. I’m not mad. We all have the freedom to make our own choices.

Knowing you, I picture you caught in a whirlpool with bricks collapsing all around you. You don’t know your place right now, and that alone is painful — so naturally you don’t have the capacity to address things between us. That’s OK. I will remember you as the honest, caring man I’ve always known, and I believe you’ll continue to do right by people and by yourself.

I keep going back to the night you asked me to step on your feet and carried me out to the balcony to look at the moon. I wish I’d stayed in that moment with you a little longer.

You came to our relationship with unresolved emotional issues, and I’m afraid I didn’t fully register the gravity of what you were carrying. You tried — for me, for us — and you apologised when you realised you’d been distant or selfish. If I’d known you at a different time and place, maybe you would have had more to give. Still, I know you gave what you could, even while running on an almost-empty tank.

Thank you, Christian. I saw your tears. I remember how you held me. I know you convinced yourself this was the only way to say goodbye: that you need to find your place in life and focus on it. I believe you will. I sincerely hope you find what you’re looking for — even if it doesn’t include me.

I remain thankful for the times we shared and the love you gave.

Me,

C