I am back from Batam. The above pic is the only worthy one to be posted. It's my american breakfast and Des's nasi goreng. We called in the room service, and had to eat on the study table; which nevertheless turned out to be too small for the spread and we had to place the two plates of fruits on our bed.

Being both our first times to Batam, what greeted us was nowhere within our imagination or anticipation. We didn't expect Waterfront city to be so near to Holiday Inn (where we put up at) but anyway, thank god we took the shuttle bus service because taxis there were as pricey as taking them in singapore.

We booked a 1 Bedroom King Bed suite (they promised us a living room, a dining) and what we got was a (if I am not wrong) Queen bed studio suite with no dining area. When called down to confirm with the hotel staff, they assured us that it was a King bed. Being so tired out, and in desperate need of a room, we didn't wreck havoc. Our massage at Tea Tree was good though and that probably is the only thing worth mentioning to any of our friends if we were ever asked.

Went down to Nagoya (we got to know from the hotel staff that it's for shopping) and we left in less than 2 hours after having our A&W, with no shopping bags. Damn boring luh the place, with nothing to buy at all. All sorts of grade F replicas - horror. We hoped for the best and headed down to Batam Ferry Center and left in disappointment again. Then, we spent the rest of our second day at Batam, sleeping away in our hotel room.

Overall, in my opinions, Batam is boring. The next time if I'm to go over again, I'll just do massage.

I want to break free!

Hi! I am finally free!

After a struggling 3 day saga, I finally broke free!

Free from the clutch of a ultra cheena working environment!

Free from a boss whose micro management simply just pisses me.

(she only allows triangular paper clips, not rounded ones. wtf? they still hold papers. you have to write all addresses in the format she writes, as in, you have to write "blk-unit-street" not "blk-street-unit" damn bo liao right?

Okay. I'm going to enjoy my three day weekend gate-away to Batam with my very supportive/loving/caring boyfriend! He wants to take me to a good spa and manicure!

Imma go drink my mom's home made chrysanthemum tea and pack!

What's happening to me?

If you really know me well enough, you would have known by now that I'm a committed employee and I put work in front of everything else, usually.

Recently, I've started to slip away. The lazy bone in me started to take control of my entire motivation to do almost anything. I've skipped work for two days w/o any medical certificate and to total up, I've skipped work for 3.5 days in this month. It's a utterly bad feeling when I think of myself that way, but it remains a fact now that I'm this horrible. Seriously, I don't think I deserve any chance from my employer. I had wanted be let go, but they refused. Not because I think I am good, but because I think they are in urgent need of manpower. And I had to dig them in now, when I know they are so under-manpowered. I just had to. Please slap me anyone?

When I think of my work, I feel uneasy. I do not have any sense of belonging there. I do not click with any of my colleagues and neither does anyone of them smoke (you know when they say smokers can click better with one another, it's true). I feel so left out all the time, but it's seriously fine. I don't need to converse with anyone. I need to be left alone to my own work. But the one thing which I hate is, everyone of them is trying to make me fit in. Y'all should know by now, that socializing remains a great myth to me until today. I find it so difficult to answer questions which are so: 1) apparent to the eyes 2) as if you care?

My mom told me that the biggest flaw which lies in me is that I have zero capability to feign any relation to any Tom, Dick or Harry. And that, this I have inherited from her, on a clashed good and bad note. Why good? Go figure.

I've been spending alot on my credit card. When I did a tabulation just now, my intestines cringed. And apart from the records from the card, I do not have any single clue where the rest of my funds go to. When I spend these days, I still feel unhappy. Is my life really taking its toll on me? Or have I become greedier?

I have a short getaway to Batam this weekend with Des. But I don't feel too thrilled at the idea of it. Something must be wrong with me.

Drift...

A lazy afternoon,

in our years of 17.

Dirty sneakers feet,

the guitar plucked so softly.

The sun was yolk,

the water at its still.

We sat away our afternoons,

quiet being loud,

idling and dreaming...

...of a same tomorrow.

I have the morning dreads sickness...

I have a job right now. Can't say I am at the happiest having this as my bread-giving because I am being micromanaged, and ranted at for wanting to learn, trying very hard to learn. The down thing about it is my inability to retaliate because as of now, it's a fact that I don't know anything and isn't skilled. I have no idea why everyone at work is terrified of my manager. She talks at the top of her voice - yes. Why do they submit themselves to coercive management? Coercive management is the worst kinda of leadership ever practised. Would you rather be feared than to be respected? So much for being a staunched basic human rights believer, I didn't do anything about all those rants except to continue holding my head up high. And during moments like these, I repetitively chanted in my head, that if I am here to learn, I have to swallow it down. Because I am here to steal, and after the loot is in my hands, I shall make my escape.

I wake up in the mornings dreading the idea of working there. I shan't go into relating how I can't click with anyone and everyone at my work. Because it's not only because of that, that I have this tendency to throw up every morning (I'm not pregnant god damn it). Say, the idea of being stranded on an dirty island with nothing around beautiful enough to minimally cheer a dying cancer patient up. I feel like a pig playing in a puddle of mud. Imagine me in such an island. How can these two ever come together as one?

I am a greedy person...

See God. That's the problem with every walking man on earth. We are made to be greedy. Because if we weren't, how would you think the world would have progressed to the state it is today? There will be no blue collar worker coming out to set up his own business and finally made it big which benefits the global economy somewhat. And why's that he had chosen to come out on his own? Because he is greedy, he wants more. He wants more moolah so he could get a prettier wife, wants a Cadillac, wants a Franck Muller. And by proving himself to everyone, he's actually measuring his achievements and worth in a form of materials. And all of the above, you and I are guilty of... I have forgotten the most important thing which I desperately need - the need to be happy.

I've seen myself these days and hence made a comparison - I feel incomplete. It's a never-ending route to deadly luxuries. And I couldn't stop feeling troubled everyday because I am so tormented by the thought of 'being/wearing better than you'. Let us all sign a petition to put Anna Wintour to euthanasia. She's the reason why every girl/woman on earth feels lousy about themselves.

I want to be happy...

I really want to. But I haven't quite figured out what's missing. I feel happy wearing a pair of comfortable flip flops rather than those killer heels. I will feel happy if I wake up to breakfast on the bed. I feel happy after having a good read. I feel happy after having found a track which brings back fond memories of my youth. Or perhaps just a stroll on the beach (when the sun's not so scorching hot luh).

I am capable of my own happiness...

The light in my room fused and I changed it out all by myself this afternoon. I didn't know it could be such simple and easy chore even when I am not very tall. Then I understood that if I wish to attain, it will be possible if I try. So I made myself promise myself that I should try to be happy, no matter what downs should befall on me. And I shan't compare myself to everyone around me anymore, because there's a reason why I call them "others" and myself "me".

Me, myself am the world...

-

"If all mankind were to disappear, the world would regenerate back to the rich state of equilibrium that existed ten thousand years ago. If insects were to vanish, the environment would collapse into chaos."

-Edward O. Wilson

Feel distant,

even when there were words said to everyone,

And their supposed words of concern I have heard.

Perhaps just a artificial smile,

or expression which they or I didn't mean.

A period of four years,

there hasn't been any materialization of true happiness

I have been able to capture.

Sad to mention, there wasn't any basic rapture.

"What is missing?"

I have no clue.

Perhaps the four years shall count on...

I am not hollow inside anymore,

I am just as good as a walking dead.

I need to be understood,

I have been trying my best to make sure I am heard.

Yet, I stand again, all alone against the cold.

Infinitely, alone.