Deck the halls with cries and follies.

Hilariously, the Christmas of this year's was celebrated by sirens and plentiful of policemen with statements taken down and not to mention, loss of numerous pricey possessions. So say goodbye to my beloved iPod nano, and tons and tons and tons. I spun a web of lies. Lies to protect someone, lies to blind the officials, lies to call bluff my family, perhaps even lies to commemorate myself, that what I was doing was worthwhile, what I have lost was nothing as compared to what I should gain, even when turkey and ham were sitting with the pretty condiments on your dinner table, while I was trying hard to chase what should be rightfully mine from a nonage with malice.

Ponder on for now, what have I gained. I keep you warped up, safe from dirty pointing fingers, yet what I received at the other end of this truth-proof shield was a finger pointing back at me. I tried to gently adjust this finger elsewhere, justifying every single act that I have conducted, every white harmless lie or even plain angry words that I have conveyed. Alas, no matter how much I have done was proven futile. So I hide in my dark cave and chose solitude, harbouring the only thought that you would come one day to save me. And this thought butterflied into a Faith which I thought nevertheless would come true somehow, because Faith was what I have in you initially, and all this while.

The rocks of the walls of my cave came tumbling down like big drops of poison landing hard on my frail body. I was locked from the inside and I had no strength at all to move the big drops of poison away from me. So I chose alcohol smacked for days to while away, still there's no signs of empathy or even sympathy. To brighten up the days of the others', the grace I could do was to only utter hypothetical laughters that I forcefully had to choke them out of my lungs, smiles that I had to try so backbreaking to fake, deluding myself that, yes I am indeed happy. At last and finally the wait was over, to be greeted by yet another delay, another procrastination of hushes and words which should be rightfully said, and heard. Which now, my cries of help and bawls could only be heard in inharmonious echoes ringing and endlessly in this dark alcohol reeked cave. And I have no one I could whine to, I could talk to, because the ultimate reason I am still holding onto is to keep you safe.

I have myself wondering all the time. And I read Wenny's blog and understood the gnomics which she was trying to say for her case and I can totally relate how she is feeling right now to how I am fucking myself up right now. The only difference is, she has chosen her heart to be remained on a stasis for someone, yet I have opened up mine to someone else not Bennett. Amusingly, both of us are still ironically identical though. Stranded, and standing on a gelid rock on naked feet, with vast waves of unrest turmoils trying to drown ourselves. Thank God I have my anti depressants and my sleeping aid, which apparently can't last me till my next session with my beloved shrink.

Who says Loving is easy? Who did say that it's the most wonderful thing on earth? Perhaps it could have been. When both parties are still in doubt of what the precarious tomorrow may bring. I have thought that love begets forgiveness. However all that I am seeing now is, I am the biggest fool on earth to be still standing firmly by my own belief until today, this very moment. To have seen, and felt the pain of so many around, I wonder whether if it does exists now. We so hope we'd be loved by the person we love. We sway so much in the winds of dilemma between to stay or to leave. Every night without fail, we muster up enough courage to whisper Goodbye. Every morning we wake up in a tremor like a heart brought back to life by shocks of electrifying noises. Our eyes open, greeted by nothing but the whiteness and emptiness of the ceiling, tears will no longer flow, because it's at that very moment, the heart breaks within fragments and pieces, that it no longer calls out for neurons of sorrow.

Do we look back one day down memory lane and look at all the rotten apple trees? At the end of the road, which tree would be the one standing strong against the winds of uncertainties and precariousness? We never know. Not until it's over, and we realise the rotten ones even existed.

"Desperate for changing

Starving for truth

Closer to where I started

Chasing after you"

Heart.

A conversation which was delayed and procrastinated for a reason. A reason so apparent which two different individuals were so blinded to see when the surly dark clouds gradually skyed the whole horizon of grey for the sands of time of years. The reason being, it did happened. It was there. It is still there. Captured like a thriving firefly in a crystal clear cognitive chamber.

And it will remain this way, finally, forever.

Touched to tears,

of joy,

and plain ignorance of unintentional pain inflicted.

We survive and live.

We remember.

We, indeed.

Try.

I should say, this spot I am standing on right now, is the verge, the limit to everything I can take. Struggled between she and she, I do not even know who I am. No matter who I am, I do not seem to make anything right. So the more I try, the more I cry. Until I couldn't take it, I inflicted the last, the deepest wound made flesh. Scars are histories written on your body but those could never amount to those inflicted upon the heart. And this human heart looks like a fist and is pumping with blood.

With my pool of blood on the floor, won't you even realise how vulnerable I am even if I keep trying to portray that I am strong enough to see through everything? Yet I am just so tired. And all I can do, is to muster this least bit of remaining strength I have got within my very basic skeletal to keep moving on, keep breathing. I can only fight alone, and I am fighting alone.

Words enveloping my world, eradicating all I shouldn't be doing, all I should not be. Do I even sway my ground and mimic myself into someone who is ultimately not myself? Or should I be a mendicant for all sympathy and hope for empathy? And the least bit of understanding that I should truly deserve from all whom claimed love, claimed relation.

My insomnia has got me on doped, and so am I relying on anti depressants. Yet, the dissonance in this cognitive chamber of mine, keeps functioning in such an inharmonious way in which I have no control over, and I lost myself in a black hole. I do know, they say it's up to myself. But what if myself is so damaged till it's so near to extirpation that any trip of spark is enough to fan yet another amber in my Life?

I comprehend the precariousness of tomorrow, but with this bit of respect and immaculate Love I have remaining for you, I've blinded myself of everything you are doing. I am still making myself believe that every artifice about you is lyrically ethereal. This is Faith. Yet, you forcefully sucked every breath of Faith I have into a perdition so caliginous, so bottomless that I find impossible to feel a dead end with my outstretched arms. You came with a begging plead last night. So who did my pleads of mercy called out to when I was sprawled undone? We don't grace each other, we never did.

Pellucidly, we'll both snap each other, cry bitterly into each's embrace and lay dead on where we rightfully started off from.

-AT

The surly season has hit Singapore again. But hey, Christmas is just around the corner. We should all perk up and wait for this lovely (favorite of mine!) day to arrive. Past years' Christmas was spent with my dearest ex lover who is much of a Casanova wannabe now. Hah. Sorry DG. Speaking of which, he is such a nutcase that he thought I still meant ba[B]y when I called him B the other day. To just dampened his ever-growing ego, I had explained that my text was exceeding one, so just typed B. Frankly speaking, his initial's a B wat! Wth. I offered to exchange prezzie with this Nutcase and he was like saying... Okay, but my prezzie would be less than 5. How realistic can this guy get?

I look at things at different angles. I reckon I am made this way, not because I am really designed to inflict my morbid fascination onto my thoughts. Been such a little girl for so long, I think it's time I grow up. I should grow up. And still act young at the meantime. Hah.

Like what this special person has once said, there are more to love. Though we tend to be clouded by this very word, we should try to look at things the bigger picture way all the time. Sometimes, love just ain't enough isn't it? We made mistakes, said words we never meant to mean, we do not fathom the gravity behind these words. They could carry pain, hurt, joy, or perhaps just hollowness. And I, as a human, I do have my fair share of mistakes. Mistakes I wish I never had done, mistakes that I still feel regretful up till this day. But I am just learning. Learning to be responsible for my own actions, and words that I have once carelessly said. So Karma isn't only about one party cheating on one party hey! Sighs. It's always too late to do something about something isn't it?

I have no idea why I am so composed now. I did bawled like a little kid who lost his favorite teddy bear a moment ago. I guess, I am normal. I picked myself up, took a long shower, and started to see things which ain't warped in my world. I do not blame, nor do I point my lousy finger. It takes two hands to clap for all the things that have happened. I know I play a major role for the way things turn out today. And he is just the supporting cast. To keep harping on how difficult it is for two out of 9 billion to meet and fall in love is a sentimental thought. I am not the only one in this world. I am just a little pea out of 9 billion peas. The thought of losing him may hurt now, but hey, we've all been through this. And we know that Time will prove everything. Doesn't matter who's right/wrong, who's done more, who's given more. The only thing which matters, is that it once existed. Goshie, I sound so positive now I think I am disgusting myself. I need to puke.

The pain of truth, we find it hard to shake that all the time. I don't like to quote cliches because I feel that they are way too overused. So I never allow myself to even say what won't kill you would only make you stronger. I believe what won't kill you would only make you funnier. Hah. And they usually says, when God closes one door, He opens up another. I thought "When God closes one door, He tends to slam the rest in your face." sounds perky and quite real. I don't mean to be pessimistic. I just thought I would be realistic for once. C'mon. Life isn't always a bed of beautiful roses. You never know what seeds God accidentally (perhaps on purpose) planted. Being too optimistic doesn't help you to grow at all. It just hinders your progress of being sensitive. Duh!

The world is full of ugly things that you can't change. Pretend it's not that way, is my idea of faith.

The very fact that I know I'll live, is the only thing I would need now to look forward to the future. Meanwhile, I will still attend my medicals. To rid myself of Chrissy, and never let her come back into my life again.

Okay I am so sleepy now. Time to cuddle pillows!

=)

Lil star.

I blind myself of the things I couldn't bear to see. I know how I am like, so I choose to sway now. My soul would be wandering ever again, I know I would never come to a rest.

So like what Harry's been taught, in order to perform a pratonus charm, I thought about the happy things.

I thought of what DG said, when I pulled him out to shop for my last V day prezzie, "I could just give you 500 bucks and let you shop till you are tired, but just let me sit down have a coffee, smoke my lungs away and wait can?!" I couldn't help but to burst out in laughter. Aww... Darn it. Still owes me a trip to the pet shop and katong chicky rice can. /sneers

I am feeling so shagged out after all the episodes. I don't wish to be fantasizing about things anymore neither would I wanna live in delusion. I do not wish to live in my made beliefs. I have had enough of my own nonsense. It's time I get myself healed and cured, attend my medicals, and myself.

Shopping with Fish never felt better! We sashay on the same fashionista thread! Everywhere is having Xmas sale! Guess, Marciano, AX and etc. Just prepare your credits! Bah! I swear to own this White dress I saw at Marciano! It is only like 95 buckaroos? Hmm... ROAR!

This post is very $^YT^#$%. And I like it, totally!

-this SIA girl is diggin me. Awww....

The other side of the story.

I can't do it anymore.

I need to land my pride.

It's cold.

As if he would read this.

Pointless.

An invidious affair.

I love baking. To me, baking is a process of understanding yourself. Unlike cooking, which everything has to be fast, precise on the dot. The process of baking involves much patience and meticulousness. From the preparation of the mix, the beating of the eggs, the adding of ingredients, the wait of the outcome, every part of the process, is worth a little fantasy to be aroused, a bit of my brain to wander about. Or perhaps, this brain of mine just requires a little more time to churn, which so explains I can't cook.

I found this Oreo Cheesecake recipe, which I gladly name it, Snow on a Stove.

Later then, I found out that he is fond of Crimson, I then looked up for Strawberry cake recipes, and have decided to name the one I am going to bake, A Crimson Cavalcade, an appropriate name for what has been going around, about us I guess.

I thought everything is within my control. I had imagined the loveliest, and dreamt of magic. To great disappointment of so many around me, I have to confess that I can never be a realist. Which is why, I chose to shun, because I know I have failed. And it's pointless for me to justify, or explain. I don't plan to get anyone involved, ultimately, I know it's only I who has to be answered to. Even if I ended up damaged, I don't want to permit myself to have anyone to blame, but myself.

My ex lover commented how I am such a believer in the whole ideology of love. That I am still living in my own world, and how I can be such a sweet girl if I can be less emotional. I find his words extremely contradicting. Funnily, why would he even want to express his regrets for not appreciating me a little more back then if he thinks I am like that.

I don't know how to feel now. I can't even express how I feel inside right now. I believe there's a jet lag involved, this is such a lame self-consolation. And I like it.

I can't help but wait. As long as I wish to surrender my heart, to see you, for what you really are. What can I do, or rather what am I supposed to do. I keep coming up with arguments to resist those which has been ringing endlessly, time and time again. Simple yet, provocative arguments like the handing of the numerous prized possessions, the look in your eyes the day I walked away, the kiss. Is my naked heart sensing what I only want to feel? Or is this self-delusion that intense to blind me of the crystal clear truths? And am I wrong at all to express my doubts after everything that has happened which propels to question my own confidence?

I have been told that I am a mystery novel myself. I so wish to be read like an open book. Turns out, I got caught in a suspense thriller.

A beauty;

of the ethereal side,

materialised a baleful vision.

plunged a devious kiss,

thief'd the doleful soul,

a bottomless perdition;

I hereby dwell.

where do I land my pride?

Today.

Cleavage.doll.no inordinate self fascination.

Ben. jackass.grinned.how she might feel.im evil.but yay!

Spoof NYDC @ Heeren.lala croft tuna salad.ran like punks.

reminder.daric su.wtf?!

STS.im a stalker.

im a bitch,punk,psycho.

talk in riddles.