Hilariously, the Christmas of this year's was celebrated by sirens and plentiful of policemen with statements taken down and not to mention, loss of numerous pricey possessions. So say goodbye to my beloved iPod nano, and tons and tons and tons. I spun a web of lies. Lies to protect someone, lies to blind the officials, lies to call bluff my family, perhaps even lies to commemorate myself, that what I was doing was worthwhile, what I have lost was nothing as compared to what I should gain, even when turkey and ham were sitting with the pretty condiments on your dinner table, while I was trying hard to chase what should be rightfully mine from a nonage with malice.
Ponder on for now, what have I gained. I keep you warped up, safe from dirty pointing fingers, yet what I received at the other end of this truth-proof shield was a finger pointing back at me. I tried to gently adjust this finger elsewhere, justifying every single act that I have conducted, every white harmless lie or even plain angry words that I have conveyed. Alas, no matter how much I have done was proven futile. So I hide in my dark cave and chose solitude, harbouring the only thought that you would come one day to save me. And this thought butterflied into a Faith which I thought nevertheless would come true somehow, because Faith was what I have in you initially, and all this while.
The rocks of the walls of my cave came tumbling down like big drops of poison landing hard on my frail body. I was locked from the inside and I had no strength at all to move the big drops of poison away from me. So I chose alcohol smacked for days to while away, still there's no signs of empathy or even sympathy. To brighten up the days of the others', the grace I could do was to only utter hypothetical laughters that I forcefully had to choke them out of my lungs, smiles that I had to try so backbreaking to fake, deluding myself that, yes I am indeed happy. At last and finally the wait was over, to be greeted by yet another delay, another procrastination of hushes and words which should be rightfully said, and heard. Which now, my cries of help and bawls could only be heard in inharmonious echoes ringing and endlessly in this dark alcohol reeked cave. And I have no one I could whine to, I could talk to, because the ultimate reason I am still holding onto is to keep you safe.
I have myself wondering all the time. And I read Wenny's blog and understood the gnomics which she was trying to say for her case and I can totally relate how she is feeling right now to how I am fucking myself up right now. The only difference is, she has chosen her heart to be remained on a stasis for someone, yet I have opened up mine to someone else not Bennett. Amusingly, both of us are still ironically identical though. Stranded, and standing on a gelid rock on naked feet, with vast waves of unrest turmoils trying to drown ourselves. Thank God I have my anti depressants and my sleeping aid, which apparently can't last me till my next session with my beloved shrink.
Who says Loving is easy? Who did say that it's the most wonderful thing on earth? Perhaps it could have been. When both parties are still in doubt of what the precarious tomorrow may bring. I have thought that love begets forgiveness. However all that I am seeing now is, I am the biggest fool on earth to be still standing firmly by my own belief until today, this very moment. To have seen, and felt the pain of so many around, I wonder whether if it does exists now. We so hope we'd be loved by the person we love. We sway so much in the winds of dilemma between to stay or to leave. Every night without fail, we muster up enough courage to whisper Goodbye. Every morning we wake up in a tremor like a heart brought back to life by shocks of electrifying noises. Our eyes open, greeted by nothing but the whiteness and emptiness of the ceiling, tears will no longer flow, because it's at that very moment, the heart breaks within fragments and pieces, that it no longer calls out for neurons of sorrow.
Do we look back one day down memory lane and look at all the rotten apple trees? At the end of the road, which tree would be the one standing strong against the winds of uncertainties and precariousness? We never know. Not until it's over, and we realise the rotten ones even existed.
"Desperate for changing
Starving for truth
Closer to where I started
Chasing after you"
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