For Aloysius T-
A journal stumbled on by chance of destiny hands this afternoon which got me hesitating and questioning my own level. The sinister downright despicable side of me had an utmost uncontrollable urge to flip and browse through pages which I have been wanting to do; a yearn for truth. I halted, excogitated the stoop of level I would be in if I had proceeded and decided to shut the ring notebook tight. And that I have a fetish for ring notebooks and designer boxes, which I have a collection of them. It was a suspiciously unintentional act. I do admit I had that deleterious thought, however, I am well aware of the level I am standing on now. I do not want to invade into anyone's privacy. Perhaps I was afraid to eye some words which I do not wish to see at all, which I pretty much think, most probably they would bring me down to a complete wreckage of rust. If there indeed were, truths and words of reality, I mean. Perhaps is the word, your pet phrase. Be angry if you must, but forgive me for I did put up a fight with myself.
A complete brought down to a complex of inferiority when I chanced upon a painstakingly made calendar which every bit of it was carefully and meticulously made with all the effort she could muster. I felt her heart. I could have done one of its kind too. I did one before, and I have done a thousand stiches of cross work. It was fear which is holding me back from giving everything that I am capable of doing for you. Maybe I am just not as confident as I used to be. Perhaps it didn't even cross my mind now that these works of effort could prove something valid and strong enough for emotional insides to stir and churn. Perhaps I am just selfish now that I want to have something in return, perhaps I can't do it unconditionally anymore. The recent episodes have their own validity of this factual fear that is striking hard on me all the time. And I really need you. My pleads of help call out to you, that I need assurance that everything is alright, even though I have no courage at all to design something worthy enough to be placed right next to the beautiful calendar. This feeling kills even now with the recollection of the beauteous work of art. I feel like a zero.
You peered out of the window, I looked at you within a distance not more than 5 metres. It happened. We both felt what we were feeling at that point of time when our eyes locked. With your arms placed lazily on the window ledge, chin resting upon, I saw everything in your eyes. I know you are there. I sensed and felt with my stark naked heart even when my vision was not exactly clear. We know what was exchanged for that spur of time. Only and just, us.
My dismay, my disappointment, I still find myself locked up from the inside of the rocks which were blocking the exit of my cave. This time around, a chain was firmly holding my feet. To escape, I would have to saw off my feet. My painfully chained legs are hurting with crimson colour blood all around my ankles. My mindset is now all full of drive to charge forward. I have the enough courage to pick myself up and sprint towards what I should be reaching. I disgust myself and I need to work this out now. And you happen to have the key to unlock the chain. If you would kindly do, after which, we should be removing those rocks together with what we both rightfully feel for each other deep inside, and await the warm rays of sunlight to be shone upon us. I can shine brighter with you holding my hands, after my escape that you would help out with. I know I can.
My love. It's a new year. A new beginning. We should embrace this fate thrown to us. And cherish it while we can. I do not wish you to be a rotten apple tree along my memory lane. Naively, I want you to be my final tree. You have all the fruits of knowledge, branches of wisdom and rustling leafs of love you are capable of offering, which I will always find myself to be hungry for. Though my mind isn't as ethereal as compared to yours, which is why, I told you, I never plan to outwin you. I just need you to teach and guide. I need you.
I need you.
A journal stumbled on by chance of destiny hands this afternoon which got me hesitating and questioning my own level. The sinister downright despicable side of me had an utmost uncontrollable urge to flip and browse through pages which I have been wanting to do; a yearn for truth. I halted, excogitated the stoop of level I would be in if I had proceeded and decided to shut the ring notebook tight. And that I have a fetish for ring notebooks and designer boxes, which I have a collection of them. It was a suspiciously unintentional act. I do admit I had that deleterious thought, however, I am well aware of the level I am standing on now. I do not want to invade into anyone's privacy. Perhaps I was afraid to eye some words which I do not wish to see at all, which I pretty much think, most probably they would bring me down to a complete wreckage of rust. If there indeed were, truths and words of reality, I mean. Perhaps is the word, your pet phrase. Be angry if you must, but forgive me for I did put up a fight with myself.
A complete brought down to a complex of inferiority when I chanced upon a painstakingly made calendar which every bit of it was carefully and meticulously made with all the effort she could muster. I felt her heart. I could have done one of its kind too. I did one before, and I have done a thousand stiches of cross work. It was fear which is holding me back from giving everything that I am capable of doing for you. Maybe I am just not as confident as I used to be. Perhaps it didn't even cross my mind now that these works of effort could prove something valid and strong enough for emotional insides to stir and churn. Perhaps I am just selfish now that I want to have something in return, perhaps I can't do it unconditionally anymore. The recent episodes have their own validity of this factual fear that is striking hard on me all the time. And I really need you. My pleads of help call out to you, that I need assurance that everything is alright, even though I have no courage at all to design something worthy enough to be placed right next to the beautiful calendar. This feeling kills even now with the recollection of the beauteous work of art. I feel like a zero.
You peered out of the window, I looked at you within a distance not more than 5 metres. It happened. We both felt what we were feeling at that point of time when our eyes locked. With your arms placed lazily on the window ledge, chin resting upon, I saw everything in your eyes. I know you are there. I sensed and felt with my stark naked heart even when my vision was not exactly clear. We know what was exchanged for that spur of time. Only and just, us.
My dismay, my disappointment, I still find myself locked up from the inside of the rocks which were blocking the exit of my cave. This time around, a chain was firmly holding my feet. To escape, I would have to saw off my feet. My painfully chained legs are hurting with crimson colour blood all around my ankles. My mindset is now all full of drive to charge forward. I have the enough courage to pick myself up and sprint towards what I should be reaching. I disgust myself and I need to work this out now. And you happen to have the key to unlock the chain. If you would kindly do, after which, we should be removing those rocks together with what we both rightfully feel for each other deep inside, and await the warm rays of sunlight to be shone upon us. I can shine brighter with you holding my hands, after my escape that you would help out with. I know I can.
My love. It's a new year. A new beginning. We should embrace this fate thrown to us. And cherish it while we can. I do not wish you to be a rotten apple tree along my memory lane. Naively, I want you to be my final tree. You have all the fruits of knowledge, branches of wisdom and rustling leafs of love you are capable of offering, which I will always find myself to be hungry for. Though my mind isn't as ethereal as compared to yours, which is why, I told you, I never plan to outwin you. I just need you to teach and guide. I need you.
I need you.
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