Firstly I would like to comment how small this world can get. Turns out both Wenny and I know Daric Su. Yes. We both have known him for years. Wtf? How advanced can networking get these days.
Love, meaning to care, to keep from harm, never to hurt, never to inflict pain on purpose for guilty pleasure, its main objective to create happiness and not to restrict it, or to destroy it. And that is why, regardless of problem, issue, regardless of what happens and what had been done, I always return to square one to tell you I love you. I always have, always will, because what I felt never changed. Accepting more does not mean you push further, it doesnt mean you push me to the brink, because there is none, because the boundary is me.
I never plan to inflict any manners of pain upon people that I love and if I really have to, you would be the last and you would always be the one, only right after I have cut myself. I wish to protect you. I want to protect you. You told me that if I scratch the walls of your palms, poison will ooze out to drown me slowly. So because of what you've said, I cut off my nails and make sure they are always trimmed. But I see plain me trying to perform a dance like a ballerina in the middle of your open palms, trying to stay buoyant on this sea of poison, struggling for gulps of breath to stay alive. I know I have to be on my own and to be too dependent on you emotionally is a big game of risks. I have no idea when would you plan to sink me right into the bottom of the deep cold ocean bed. I could really live forever in cold dark silence.
I can never stay angry with you for long. I reckon my anger with you could only last for minutes, the longest ever, I think was only two hours. After which, I would always find myself running back to you. As if I was the one who's in wrong. You commented that I have been trying too hard to show, shoving my way forcefully in, trying to show how earnest I am always. I really could have been a bitch and stayed angry forever until your words of mollify comes along. But I didn't. Because I don't want you to go through this. Everything that is happening to you is pain. And I feel your pain. I don't want you to have yet another pain of needing to placate me. And all that I am doing is because I love you, as simple as that. Perhaps if I could have been a little bit strong headed, you might just learn how to cherish me a little more. If I am a mosaic of 100 pieces, you are a hundredfold of mine. I could never chase, not because I am not trying hard enough, it's just that you don't wish to unlock the chains around my feet because you think I am trying too hard. I think this is how you are punishing me. Chrisma is a circus clown; no one cares about the face under the mask.
I am talking in riddles once again.
Our story is sadomasochistic. It's turning out to be more interesting than a sado porn flick. It's a sado mind flick. I wish there's some spoofs along your script, so that I can laugh a little instead of smacking myself with alcohol every night to sleep. I have alot of psychological problems with myself now. This is not an euphemism for every misconduct that I have had. And it's definitely not an excuse. I am a caffeine and nicotine addict. I do not wish to add another addiction to that unglamourous list. I feel neglected. And you feel more like a dream now.
Speaking of porn flicks, I do not understand why do 'they' say Japanese produce the best porn flicks. Firstly, it's always the girl(s) acting all coy and shy and polite. Secondly, Japanese men really have the smallest pricks like baby cucumbers that my guinea pigs really have a liking for. Thirdly, what the fuck is with the AV girls not shaving?! Who are 'they' anyway?
I am going to swim like a dolphin tomorrow and I can't wait.
I love this naughty boy so much till I am turning psychotic.
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