I drive alone.

I had a last look at the photo sitting comfortably on my table. Took it out, hesitated and finally tore it from center down.

I looked at myself in that photo, dated 2.3.2009, I look like I was in glow.

I had a look at myself in the mirror, I look ugly now.

The profile picture on my facebook looks like a stranger to me.

I took out the red book, and wrote a goodbye message. I didn't mean to keep it, it will be send out to him in a matter of time. Because I do not wish to harbor anything not mine at all.

I had a flashback of memories, they seem like they didn't take place at all.

I had a pop of two pills, I know I will be needing them sooner or later.

He's dead. Never coming back. I've understood and registered.

So I told myself that I do not love the one in front of me.

If I can walk away from Aloysius, I can for anyone else.

Goodbye.

You are free.

So am I.

Curtains close.

My blog, My speech, Me.

My readers, My 'bonds' who stand by me no matter how/what I bitch about anyone - thank you.

The bunch of sleazebags, a 'natural' act of spontaneity, wide-eyed vividness, and I'm always in the wrong. Browsed the photos time and time again, sleazebags still. Me in the wrong still. Angels are they, devil is me. I don't mean anything compared to a two week long so called bond. Angers everyone when I tell 'em. One super act kind sleazebag pretended to be concern, by simply bringing me down, assuming I have less friends, in order to bring herself up (because she has a lot of friends?) LOL?

You Miss Tan here, fyi, in case you ever get to see this (I perhaps shall make sure you do), sad to disappoint you, I don't know why I have so many male friends as compared to femme ones. I guess you could ask Dawn Yang or Nira why. And why I don't always hang out with my male friends because I care a great deal about my relationship and I don't ever want to make my other half feel lesser. And I always make sure I do not lead any of the guys on, neither do I wish to hinder their processes of having any possible girlfriends. Which I am, of course, and because you do not know me and I do not know you, definitely won't try to jude anyone whom I don't know. And I'm so sorry for you. Because if you're really that kind and sensitive, you would have persuaded him to come to me on that faithful monday, not persuade him to have dinner with you and your really cool and fun gang. Did I hit you right on the spot? *ouch

Miss Ng, just a note for you because you are so young. Learn how to protect yourself. My boobs are so personal to me, and I won't attach them to just anyone else. Do it only when you're drunk, to better give yourself a better reason to because you're wasted. Should have known better to keep a distance, otherwise, let your agenda be known. :)

My other half wants me to believe that you are all so pure, innocent and kind.

You girls know that those photos could cause trouble, didn't y'all?

Either a sleazebag or peanuts for brains, whatcha think?

I've been around way longer than any of you to perhaps be this distrusting. Well, search your consciences, can you REALLY trust anyone these days? Your Mom? How about Dad?

I am so ugly now, and only when I'm with you.

P.S take whatever you want from me, I'm sure it's so easy now. Because two week means more than one year. And uh, I'm ugly now to him. So it's really easy for any of you to come. And take it, because I can't care anymore nor lesser.

#308.

This is the number 308th post.

Desmond and I kissed passionately after a chain of rows for six consecutive days. I do not mean throughout the whole process was raw war. There were making ups, but I guess, not enough till what happened last night.

Sadly, yet another breaking up attempt. Quarrels are so common for every couple but why do ours always have to end up on such a bad note? Is it me? Or do I brazenly shout out that our love is not strong enough? Not enough? Was the kiss just purely out of physical attraction? I do not agree so. Because if it was, it would have been the same as the porn clip you watched last night or last week. No? Unless you're telling me you watched one which was gay, or with animals.

Lazed today at home. Lovely weather to pratically throw myself around the house. Watched The Time Traveler's Wife and cried so bad. I fancy a love which is so surreal and so intense. Why do I have to be so dreamy? The Cardigans were playing for most of the times. Really not in the mood to game nor read, I doodled and drooled a Tuesday away.

An Interview with Burberry coming up in the late morning, a bunch of explanation to be done and some shit to see to at work tomorrow. I hope I can just turn my back on these lousy episodes and gasp in a new breath of air for a total new genesis or another evolution. But hell no, if it's a clean start I seek, I shan't even leave any dirty stains behind.

I am going to a BBQ session hosted by Desmond's family this Friday and although they do not know what had been going on between the two of us, I must say, my conscience feels so bad for having brought so much pain to him for the past week, and that, I am quite ashamed to see them. At the thought of going to the beach this Friday, I dreamt a little about having a nice slow late night stroll with him again. And uh, well, we might just try to kiss all the unhappiness away again. I'm not blushing.

The Cardigans - Lovefool.

Do I have to cite yet again what Shakespeare once wrote?

Little Romance.

I deleted a couple of posts which I think they don't belong. I don't wish to lose the identity of my this little private space online. If so you thought there might be an identity, call it individuality. If you can't think of it as anywhere near an identity, suit yourself.

I am really quite keen on picking up guitar again. And ugh, my guitar is no longer sitting in my storeroom. Mom threw it away. I have been listening to a lot of Ingrid Michaelson recently, and just in case you do not know who she is (I'm not surprise), she's a indie-pop artiste from NYC.

Tim Burton is throwing an art gallery displaying his pieces in NYC coming April and I wished I could fly over to attend his. Always a big fan of bizarre characters like Edward Scissorshand, and uh, what else? Hah. You'd know if you know me.

I wish I can still write the way I used to, but sadly, I seem to have lost it.

Superficiality seemed to have swept over me over the last three years. I asked, have you ever really felt a day? And I answered, no. Dust collected themselves within the pages left untouched. Words forgotten and so are life lessons. Losing sync with myself was a lousy slow roller coaster ride - no highs and full of lows. And I again, loathed myself for wasting time away not having read yet another great read, not having listened to much fancied enthralling music which better chained my emotional strings, not having written enough to shout out loud to the world, not having tried harder to remember who I am, or at least what I have done. It's always times like this, which I strongly reproach myself, and it's always times like that again, I forget.

I truly love my solitude but I want attention just like those blood suckers out there begging for it. Am I a mere commonplace in the society today? Am I already one of the millionth faces? Who was left behind amidst our walking paces? No, I won't tolerate myself to be. I won't leave her behind. Because she deserves so much more, more than anyone else. She doesn't deserve to die alone, one thing for sure.

A relationship is breakable. It is flawed in so many unimaginable ways. Like what snow patrol said, love is said too much and it is often not enough. It's a heavy word and there are so many uncalled acts to abuse it. After a curtsey, I invited you into my world, intensified with nothing else but raw emotions - which I assure no one else could have done better. You chose not to buy them this way, so perhaps, I'll make you beg one day. Respect is the key word here. Like what I own, ask me nicely and I'll gladly give it to you.

Last night, I laid wide eyed on my bed trying to recall the movies I've watched in the last three years. And I was a zero. This evening when I logged on, I got maxed out by a few lads whom I've known for years but do not know. Are they really my friends? Or are they just phases which belonged to a period of time, not forgotten, but never remembered? Which is more important? One which belonged to a lost realm of time or one which might potentially belong to an infinite round of ticking minutes hands?

Choices are not difficult to conjure at if we are clear at heads. Since it was a question mark I received, I have no choice but to paint you to be a larger one in my head so to better tell myself you aren't a story to be continued.

I'm coming back again.

Silent sirens.

When the night falls, everything begins on a quietus note. Alias, not with my mind. Not at all.

The poker flipping noises in the hall, the careless banging of the coffee table don't aid in the sleep. I want a perfect scape of quietus only with a running air conditioner to cool the room. Heat doesn't interest me at all. The right temperature is 25 degree celsius. And no, it's not the noises outside anymore. They are coming from my head.

I can't be so strong, and I can't be putting on a front all the time. There are times I need to seek shelter, I need to curl up into a ball and hide. It's taxing to be wanting to be so strong. Everyone wants more from/of you. And I can't be a letdown, for I've been one most of my life. They chided and reproached me when I fell. That makes me feel that it's wrong to be inferior. Everyone wants you to be a little like them, but where to begin exactly, they won't tell. Because they are after all, afraid that you'd be like them or even better than them. They like to hurt you with meaningless words, they don't advise.

Wisdom doesn't necessarily come with age. It doesn't necessarily grow from a spiritual belief neither. I can tell you that my direct line leader is a woman in her mid forties, who has just had a spiritual vacation and she is pure evil at heart. She earns a dough well enough, but she's just evil. Plain simple shamelessly evil. It is Hell if there are a million of her around.

My skeletal basis calls out desperately for a change. I have been trying hard to use the left of my brain to logically make plans. And I am trying to make the plans work. I do not have patience. I am far too flawed a human. I'm too afraid to know I'm the last and am too big an egoist to admit I am. I do not have the courage to say I am flawed, and every day, I force myself to be stronger. Or at least, pretend to be.

I wonder where is my light when I'm always too blind to see.

I need my sirens of silence, where do I seek?