Silent sirens.

When the night falls, everything begins on a quietus note. Alias, not with my mind. Not at all.

The poker flipping noises in the hall, the careless banging of the coffee table don't aid in the sleep. I want a perfect scape of quietus only with a running air conditioner to cool the room. Heat doesn't interest me at all. The right temperature is 25 degree celsius. And no, it's not the noises outside anymore. They are coming from my head.

I can't be so strong, and I can't be putting on a front all the time. There are times I need to seek shelter, I need to curl up into a ball and hide. It's taxing to be wanting to be so strong. Everyone wants more from/of you. And I can't be a letdown, for I've been one most of my life. They chided and reproached me when I fell. That makes me feel that it's wrong to be inferior. Everyone wants you to be a little like them, but where to begin exactly, they won't tell. Because they are after all, afraid that you'd be like them or even better than them. They like to hurt you with meaningless words, they don't advise.

Wisdom doesn't necessarily come with age. It doesn't necessarily grow from a spiritual belief neither. I can tell you that my direct line leader is a woman in her mid forties, who has just had a spiritual vacation and she is pure evil at heart. She earns a dough well enough, but she's just evil. Plain simple shamelessly evil. It is Hell if there are a million of her around.

My skeletal basis calls out desperately for a change. I have been trying hard to use the left of my brain to logically make plans. And I am trying to make the plans work. I do not have patience. I am far too flawed a human. I'm too afraid to know I'm the last and am too big an egoist to admit I am. I do not have the courage to say I am flawed, and every day, I force myself to be stronger. Or at least, pretend to be.

I wonder where is my light when I'm always too blind to see.

I need my sirens of silence, where do I seek?