是谁的心啊  

孤单地留下

他还好吗

我多么想爱他

那永恒的泪

凝固的一句话 

也许可能蒸发  

Just a little crush.

Why do I not feel empowered enough to develop my own feel of complacency now?

When I read your blog, why do I feel such jealousy?

How different are we?

Is simplicity really your bliss?

-

Which way have I taken?

How have I been walking?

Or have I been chasing pavements again?

What to blossom?

What do I know?

When a withered,

tells the gloom.

Then it'd be back and forth,

nevertheless,

endlessly.

Hello stranger.

Goodbye friend.

the lone sun.

the lonelier sun.

Another.

Another one down. 3 from my graduating primary school class are married. A lot more are engaged. Thank God, none invited me. Thank God, those whom I still talk to are still fooling around and no one wants to marry em (Yes you!). Is it me? Or is it everyone else? Why do I feel a mixture of envy and "LOLs" when I see every one of em getting hitched?

Envy? Well because I think I will look so much hotter with professional make up and I envy them for wearing nice pretty gowns! /mews "LOLs" because, I guess we will be missing out a lot after marriage. God! Seeing the same face everyday (imagine if it's Shrek you married) is just not going to do anything better to the relationship. Aye? And how are you supposed to know that him/her is just going to be the one? Imagine going through individual transitions, how sure are we to know whether he/she would still be around?

What's with the banquet? Isn't it more than a chore to be throwing such massive event? Half of the guests who turn up are ones whom you barely speak to in years? And maybe most of them are ones you've never spoken to in your entire life. Then what joy could you possibly share? How happy do they actually feel for you? Talk about hypocrisy. I would rather book zouk and have my granny break dance at phuture. With this kinda money throwing a banquet could cost, I can own a Birkin seriously. What's more important than having a Hermes?

The thought of having to wake up at 4am is so terrifying. I would rather club or dota till 4am. Shittish. How am I going to survive this kinda long day with the so called adrenalin rush? Can a bride actually yawns when she's on the stage cutting the wedding cake? I might need triple shots of expresso injected into me every hour.

Why do you guys want to get married in this kinda conventional manner anyway?

By asking the groom to wear female G string on his head when he comes over to get the bride, is not going to make it anywhere special or interesting. Do I get myself clear? Whatever shit tricks the typical 'sisters' can come up with, at the end of the day, he still gets her. Someone tell me one groom had actually died from drinking the potent mixture of flaming cokewasabichrysathemumvodkamilo?

Don't get me wrong. I would love to be married. I would beg to have someone who's so mine to spend the rest of my life with. My wedding is going to be a very quiet event with only ones whom I am sure I speak to, I've spoken to, and I know who he/she exactly is. There's a reason why we call it a matrimonial union and not a matrimonial orgy. A backdrop of the setting sun, a pastor (in God's place), my family and close friends, me and mine.

Use the money, go to France, Paris, Milan and get a birkin. Really. And a Cartier for wedding band.

Yeah. I think the 24 hour drive through at Vegas best suits me.

An upside down apple tree,

half a butterfly.

queen fleur,

a phoenix,

and a snail with horns.

My gardenplay.

The Sex Goddess.1

Today shall be the last day I feast.

I am going to do my lemonade detoxification every morning.

Lemons + water + organic maple syrup/honey

For three days, I'm going to live solely on Lemonade.

The cycle shall be 3 on lemon, 1 on normal meals.

Did I tell you this is my ninth day of not smoking?

I impress myself quite a lot you know.

So doubtlessly, with an inner strength like this,

it shouldn't be hard to go back to 56kg.

=(.

I'll aim for lighter than that when I'm already that okay!

Can someone set a T rex on me please!

Never been exposed photos! Because I had thought I was fat back then (which I was). Now that I'm a whale! Looking back always makes the heart cringe in pain.

..!.. myself.

Why do I even let myself slip back right back on board the ship of whales again?!

And the reason why I uploaded these ain't because I want to motivate myself.

It's because I stumbled upon some fatty sex blogger who even dare pose her nude photos which are rather disturbing.

And to think there're guys who left suggestive comments.

I had thought all those comments were disses.

That reminded me of something which my boyfriend told me recently. Heh.

I totally understand why some men even resort to such sub-standards. First of all, these men are usually the low in confidence kinda. Don't deny, you know you have an issue with your self esteem if you fuck blue whales. (Don't look at me, I still believe I'm with the smallest species of whales. And I can always revert back to being a mermaid, mark my words.)

Secondly, these girls themselves are the easiest preys for the sub standards predators. (What? You expect one caveman who's cowardly and feeble to go hunt a prized Sabre Tooth Tiger?) And bedding these girls are as easy as counting how many toes you have, unless you're telling me you're a retard. Based on ongoing case studies around me, this is what I dare conjure up. Some girls just like to give free sex to better validate their insecurities, for e.g, after one night of mad fucking with strangers, they'd feel good about themselves 95% of the times because they can make themselves believe that there are indeed men who want them, though not exactly the dream guys, nor the hot/cute ones. This, we call delusional disorder. 5% of the times, they actually snap back to reality and their thresholds, and realize what they have been doing are just self worth validation which no one has been able to give to them because without exposing lotsa boobies/booties, no one actually cares to give a second look. Within these brazen fucks with strangers, these girls actually feel lousy about themselves most of the times. These 'lousiness' about themselves usually induce the sleeping around and so on. Then they'd remember the 95% of the times when they felt good about themselves, so they abolish the 5% of shittish feeling and go around doing the same routine over and over again. It's a vicious cycle.

What I would say here is this: definitely, do not expect me to be singing "you are beautiful. no matter what they say... words can't bring you down. " No. fuck it. Stop deluding yourself. Words can't bring you down I'm sure, but quit lying to yourself that you're the one in demand. Bottom line is you do not need to be in men's demand to feel good about yourself. I know fully about the never dying relationship with girls and attention, tell me more about it. And it makes me feel so angry to learn that there are girls who aren't too bad themselves crying out for attention and doing all the uncalled fors. Let me teach you how to snap out of the sleeping around cycle and be a complacently happy person, on your own.

1. Lose weight

2. Get a healthy hobby of reading, painting, poetry, pottery, whatever

3. Engage a healthy lifestyle of moderate clubbing/drinking and quit smoking (now that I have, I can proudly diss all you smokers out there. Muhahahaha!)

4. Learn how to tease and flirt from the sex goddess (a.k.a yours truly)

5. Listen to nouvelle vague and quit those black music on hoes and pimps

When you've done all of the above, you'd realize that there'd be a lot of men flocking to you (not exactly the sub standard ones, but they'd still be in this flock anyway). And these, (another statistic) probably 75% wants to solely sleep with you, 20% wants to sleep with you and perhaps get to know a little more on your inside (which won't be difficult for you, because besides fucking strangers now, you've picked up a new healthy hobby which somewhat intrigues the men). 5% (which is not definitely accurate most of the times) want to genuinely know you as an individual. Bottom line is this, and remember this, men are just useless pricks with a brain and a penis but not enough blood to run both simultaneously. All of them want sex, but whether they only want it from you and only you, is something which you need to learn to tackle.

Another thing is this, do not always want to engage in something romantic with the men. Because if you do, your body sells you out. Your body language shows it, and the men ain't dumb enough not to read your signs which are as prominent as a blinking green man saying "Go!". The only person you need to impress in this whole world is yourself. If you do not expect anything, you won't go all out to accomplish your expectations.

You, yourself, is your world.

And your goal is,

You, yourself ought to be his world.

P.S anyone wanna dance?!

A Gardenparty.

"Chrissyeepoo was being put on the shelf today, untouched. A spider had managed to spin some web over her. Dust was collected at the foot of her floral pink dress. Her porcelain faced was smeared with dirt, and one of her lashes was falling off, barely sticking to her still left eye. Her hair, untidy as it was, was black and long. It's now glittered with soft greys... Cold and all alone, she sat on the teak brown shelf. With no flutter of lids, she stared at an empty room, the chilling four walls with no life. She waits for a rainbow."

I am going to get myself a box of color pencils tomorrow! I think I'll look for a 72 colors one! I should go back to sketching! And designing! As suggested by Yvonne, because I drew her a wedge, and a dress some nights ago using my mouse. I'm going broke! And I might not have enough for a pretty nice sketch book. So I'm going to do it the most conventional way, I'm going to do drawing block. :D

Daddy was wearing a tie with his briefs. Damn psychotic!

Hah! I don't wanna grow up because I still want to draw this way! ;p

Butterflies.

"the sere of an eventuality heralds the genesis of a beginning..."

Last night, I dreamt a love so surreal, soft and filled with gentleness. Just like the look I saw through the window that night, it was delicate as a feather. It felt as if the world had stopped, and I had started to melt with you. A string of butterflies was given birth, whirled me in for a period of merciless time. And it began again, on a different note, a new fashion with similarities which myself couldn't resist. Old nostalgia swept over me, yet it was another face I see. A face which took every adoration and I so very wish to keep as mine for as long as he should permit.

The birth of another dimension occurred. It was unpredictable. It took me by surprise and helplessly, I am falling again into a bottomless pit which was limitless. There isn't a basis to feel at all, no foundation was laid. Am I to blame for being blinded by the intensity when it is such an irresistible imaginary grace? When it is an extremity unlike others, all within a beatitude so mild and meek.

Gone are mundane days with senseless meaningless conversations. Every verbal interaction calls for intellectual and emotional stimulation. The amber of our togetherness induce a faith which I could hold on to. Do we need a lot to say when careless words exchanged are mere nothingness ridded of gravity? Isn't this feeling inside me of a more sovereign role of reality?

You awoke me.

And now, I see you.

I look like a joker and Mel look stunned because I look like a joker.

The internet connection tonight is a whore. Whenever I open up a new tab, it would take ages to load "Top Sites" (if you're using Safari) and most of the times, it hangs and yeah, it's still hanging. I'm lighting up cigs fast because I am so, you know, impatient. And really emo/needy today. I feel so worthless about myself suddenly. I'm like the one chasing now. And I totally despise it. Fuck me. ;)

So I went down to Chinatown and got a quarter pounder burger for Yvonne, in hope to persuade her to head down to St James with me.

After about two hours, she gave a 'no' so I took her Dragonfly Membership card and headed down.

Yes, dragonfly, you heard me. Doesn't matter luh, so as long it's free. You know I really detest queues and cover charges.

The night turned out to be wilder than what I've expected. Chilling champagne at Belini Room and overlooking Boiler made me feel so special with the whole boiler at my feet.

Went down over to Powerhouse and found Melvin. He then saw another side of me.

Dragged Melvin over to Movida because the girls wanted Latinos. And both Melvin and I concluded Powerhouse and Movida used the same CD to spin. Fugging cheating Foo family and Gordon's mahjong khakis. =)

By the time we were at Movida, most of us were tipsy already.

But fuck, not me, I knew I was dehydrating fast. But I couldn't stop myself from dancing. I was at the inside bar of Movida, a higher platform, I have got to get back to myself for at least once, so be it this, the first in three years. So when I got the attention from those who turned to watch, YES! Fuggin hell! I am still THERE!!!! To the niggas and whites beside me, no, you guys can't dance. And just get a room please. I can practically see the dick erected on the ang moh's face already. So yeah, get a fuckin room.

Damn it feels so good to know I can still dance!

While Melvin was leading me out of Movida, I broke a mug. And I ran away. =D

Left the club at around 3am and shared a cab with him, dropped him at his place first and I was shit thirsty, I had to ask the uncle to drop us at some seven eleven near yew tee to get drinks.

The aftermath of this club event was a two day long dehydration fest. First day of hangover, I drank like a camel who happened to stumble upon an oasis. Second day of hangover (which is today), because of the Indon cuisine I had on the first day of hangover, the dehydration continued and most probably worsen because I have been on the loo runs. =)

I am the biggest attention seeker you know, do you know? But I do it subtlety most of the times, so you won't find out. Can I rant here about my current boyfriend?

He reminded me so much like Alloy.

Look at entries in year 2007 and read the mental rides I had back then.

I'm really crossing my fingers.

I doubt I might be able to handle.

So when I can't, I run away. Just like how I couldn't handle the breaking of the mug.

Wishlist #2010.

1. Balenciaga City Bag

2. Alexander McQueen skull scarf

3. Comme des garcons Play tee

4. Get married in 2011

5. Baby in 2012

No. 1,2,3 are very achievable. No. 4,5 not so.

Lmao. It's the age luh! Babies are cute things.

Or perhaps I'll just drift and fool around. Fine with it too.

Think Tracy will be the first among the three of us to get hitched, aye Yvonne?

Can't imagine how her baby will look. (Tracy + Jerry = Tragedy)

HAHAHAHA. OMG. Don't hit me biatch.

Fear.

I went to google on something rather disturbing me.

I guess it is the cause for my headache.

Oh god, tell me I'm as ridiculous and stupid as Americans.

It can't be, right?

I'm me you know.

Yes, me.

Chrissy, fug off?

Just admit that you're wrong and I'll give back what I borrowed or stole.

-

You love me, because I am me.

Inevitably me.

Funny, witty, and girly.

When end of day comes,

do you see my ugly?

Yeo Yvonne: Haha. No I want my $33. And I'm playing the three truths and lies game now.

Me: That's my idea. It's $66 for copyright infringements. if we presume you keep to the pact, you'd still owe me $33.

Yeo Yvonne: Fuck u.

Me: Harder baby.

Aeryn Yeoh already has a pending relationship request.

Someone's stealing you. Boo hoo hoo. :(

-

Cal stole my cap.

A camera for face. Really cool.

No lomo. Bad weather, as you can see.

Rude Boy. sex therapy.

I love the new Rihanna's Rude Boy MTV. After having watched it for countless times, I still haven't managed to capture the idea and the concept of it. Very interesting indeed. I wonder whether this works for me all the times, with the things going on around me, and with the people coming and leaving. I don't get bored of stuffs which are hard to comprehend.

This message is for that ball-less asshole, Desmond Wai Kah How:

You can continue to delete anyone whom we know, anyone so dear to me and is always near me. But let me tell you this, I've got the whole world on my side. Because I am right, and you are not. If you think I shouldn't do you grace by telling the whole world on what you have done, give me the green light and I'll start the ball rolling. I might even set your tiny warped little world come crashing down. And then, you might realize, the remaining 'connections' we have now might just start to look at you differently. The people around you listen to your side of the story, and the people around me listen to mine. After all, we are mere human beings, always trying to cover up our 'bad', and impress with our so called 'good'. However, the significant difference between you and me, is that I've got more balls than you. I am not afraid to face or deal with anyone. Your way of doing things just further prove you're guilty and ashamed - running away is your forte, your infinite unique characteristic which I have failed to see all along. A round of applause for your minimal amount of guts. I hope your next girlfriend don't find em too small. ;)

I have moved on. And I simply do not care anything concerning you ever since yesterday or the day before, I cannot recall. If I didn't hear from them that you deleted them, I won't even know. You're so childish for a 29 year old. It took me three weeks to get over this relationship. It really proves how lousy it was. And what a lousy man you are. I have you at my tiny finger Desmond. =)

I hope you screw your life up and I'll go rofl at your tiny brains.

-

I took my first photo with the lens cover on. I'm a good game! I can't decide between Ann Siang Road or Sentosa for the photography. I was thinking of getting a nice lanyard for the camera from either Tod's or Bottega. I told Grace and she exclaimed that my lanyard is going to cost more than the camera. Haha. I'm a material pot.

Stereophonics are here again! And I haven't got anyone who's going to go with me. What happen to you this bunch of so-called indie garang people huh?! I know I didn't attend Placebo's, but this is Stereophonics we are talking about man! Way old school darn it! Maybe I should ask Nory.

I'm getting dreamy again, did I tell you?

The mood is on. =)

P.S btw, why is everyone getting hamsters these days? Maybe I should get a couple or one for my guinea pigs as pets.

Holga.1

2.49am and counting down 4 hours of dreams.

I've purchased my first Holga today in pretty pink.

And I'm going to make my first roll significant by going to somewhere not familiar, yet nostalgic. This one place which I've left my traces and tears behind, sere memories dried.

It feels revitalizing to know I've picked up my bones again.

It feels good to know I'm back,

to the inner me, dear me.

Memories for comfort.

I've gotten a lot to write about today. Albeit my heart sank the moment I learned that Rocher has left us, so suddenly.

Today shall be a day of silence for we all mourn the loss of our dear friend, Rocher.

-

He, who has left us,

shall not be remembered by his death.

The memories he had given us,

shall be remembered that he has lived.

I want a sugardaddy. ;)

I've gotten tons of meet ups to do with friends.

You know that these are the real ones even though we haven't seen one another for a long time and they are still around.

Friends, who ever said that I have lesser friends?

I am yakking more than ever these days. I think the ego.loud wants to be heard. I am wondering when I will sneak back under again. Chrissy is always around, didn't I tell you this?

I want to go Sentosa badly, so I can wear my bling cap. That's the only driving force. Not the beach hunks because I fancy geeks, the intelligent ones.

The ice cream workshop was fun today. I made my own ice cream. The journey back home was cold and smooth. Cab drivers these days sure know how to tease.

I'm after all a very pampered girl.

Who's going to sleep me tonight?

Nobody.

since you've been gone,

i became nobody.

and i fell right back to my threshold,

of emptiness,

and hollowness.

a bigger void left,

i was abandoned.

alone i am,

ringing voices,

thoughts of you,

filled days of nothingness.

the hurt you inflicted,

reminded over and over again.

i do not know why,

and there's no one whom i can ask.

Your Woman.

Did I tell you? One very cute guy smiled at me yesterday? He's so good looking and his smile was so boyish. Only thing was, I forgot to smile back. I think I should learn to smile more often. :)

I was lavished with compliments recently from strangers. Someone I got to know recently told me I'm different, and I am incredibly interesting. I'm so sure of this.

Hanging out with the girlies today was fun with all the nonsensical trying-ons of clothes. Tracy ended up buying a top which I wanted to buy. Yvonne bought a straw hat for sentosa next saturday. I bought a nice zebra printed dress from River Island. Everything looks better when you are slimmer. That's so true.

So who's my future ex?

Intellectually stimulating one please. I shan't settle for less anymore.

-

I like this.

D... says (11:41 PM): and flights of angels sing thee to thy rest

Interlude

While she strode across the room, she was of no presence to anyone. The day was slowly giving way to another night of perhaps, mundane. Bent over at her favorite author, she recklessly took out the books which were available. She looked nervous, you could tell. And you know she's pretending to be still outside her cringing insides.

What both of them didn't know was that they are going to have their paths crossed again today.

He didn't think too much of this place. All he needed was some air conditioned comfort away from this heat. It was too much of a heat for a year coming to an end. He seated himself with a clear view of everyone in the room. A child sucked on her lollipop with her mother beside; her face was a blank. People at the nearby cafe were talking on top of their lungs, but no one seemed to be bothered by the din.

They have long forgotten about the pain they left in each other...

And as if, fate has a wicked sense of humor, she threw herself down opposite of him. Their eyes had once again, met and locked, after 3 years...

I'm a Chase.

My mental well-being was at stake. And like what we've always said, nothing and no one else matters as much as ourselves. I may sometimes appear to be really quiet. And that is because I am always trying to lessen the magnitude of my emotions outburst. Because after all, I am well aware that I am a very emotional person. But remember this, when I am attack, I definitely will retaliate.

Do not wish to insult or put down anyone in my god damn life because if I do, I am no better. I have seen all these when I was so god damn younger. And sadly, have to do it over and over again because that's how mankind likes to function. Maybe because, I am very normal after all.

Things ended up being so ugly, and neither any one of us could have prevented it. Anyone can hate me out there, not as if I do not hate myself any lesser for not being strong enough to control the way things turned out. Cruelty was what I received for the past week and because of my ever-shouting ego, I just had to put down someone's ego. I knew for sure, which direction those messages would have gone. I am, indeed, quite a thinker. Because if I am not, I won't end up in a psychiatric ward. I am not proud of it, I swear.

Nichol said it worries him that I am fully aware of my incompetence in handling my emotions.

*claps

Melvin did a very imaginative thing by drawing a blue box on the cover of "The Little Prince". He said that in another story, the blue box was used for time traveling. I then went on to imagine about a house on a hill, facing the ocean with no doors. Just cream colored curtains and a red bricked roof. The waves will sing you to sleep every night and the breeze will gently brush you awake every morning. Sunrise to keep you company over a happy breakfast and sunset to warm you and your love.

iTunes: "Des'ree - Kissing you"

P.S It is never my ability to hate anyone. This is just the way I am - silly. If I were to hate you, it'd mean I have never loved you. Which is definitely what you are doing now. You do not fathom. I do not insult myself. There are never true colors to a person, because we are always in a transition and so as long as there are epiphanies around.

There's no such thing as it's in your bones.

Maybe one day I'll learn how to hate.

-

You said, Love.

Do you remember?

You say, Hate.

Both extremes,

thus,

the in-coexistence.

Love,

do you measure it?

What as gauge?

Logical?

It is never.

Never is the word for you.