I want to rant!

This is it! ENOUGH!

One more time.

I'm such a good friend I only emailed Nichol one week after his birthday.

I finally finished my first roll today! And shame to LSM for even asking me how are the photos.

I love Ann Siang Road! And this little park in the midst of everything, out of nowhere. I saw people taking photos of their Blythe Dolls and it reminded me of someone :(.

Dear God, why is there a pin on my heart?

-

One main omnipresent concern with moving forward has to be fear. Another beginning of a new phase will suggest necessarily adjustments and not to mention, changes. A whirlwind which changes direction, most of the times, we find ourselves caught and lost in it. At night when everything is all quiet and dark, we find ourselves sleeping to the ghost of whoever once slept beside - a haunting indeed.

Ugly girl smoking hatred in her fabulous

Superhero Me.

I'm duper lazy to dress up these days. I've been throwing on anything which first caught my eyes the moment I opened up my closet for the past few days. And why is it that I've been buying new clothes every month, without fail (mind you), and it seems to me that I'm always running out of stuffs to wear? Not only that, shoes, even. I have perhaps close to or more than fifty pairs of shoes, and it seems like they are never enough! A pair for whichever occasion or whichever outfit! So I went online and found this:

The blue and the nude look hot. Should I even think of buying another pair? When I have more than five pairs of shoes, left untouched, sitting nicely in my shoe cabinet?

I then went on to Zana, Garbage Dress, in hope to get some inspiration for what to wear tomorrow. It evolved to my stumble upon this website and I found this really, really me:

Sighs, wtfucka. And look at this:

Cute eh? It's actually a pair of leggings which gives you the illusion you're actually wearing only a pair of smoothies. Smoothies, yes, in other words, biker shorts. Thanks Reds for filling me out the other day.

/whines and makes a lot of noises

Vanilla Twilight

"No dignity and no pride. All she's left with is a psychotic mind that needs some real help. She can make him do many things, but one thing she cannot do, is make him tell her he loves her - without lying." -Lorraine

I stole the above from Lorraine's blog. Oh god, I'm such a thief. I think I stole a little of everyone's freedom, as being accused today. Apparently, this world is full of crazies. And I perhaps, happen to be one of them.

Today is a motherfucking Friday. Because it is going to be another day of staying at home, even though I don't have to work. And as of right now, the men around me, are a bunch of bores without much intellectual stimulation. So typical are them, I would rather talk to the wall or hang myself by the window.

The weather today is so beautiful. And sadly, Melvin has to book in for his guard duty - no possibilities of finishing my first roll. LSM assured me that films do decompose.

Faith.

I don't care where we'd end up;

I just know I want to go there with you.

And begin again.

Nat King Cole.

Does your reality make you someone whole? Or does it make you lesser than complete? Mine's slowly killing me. Which is why, I'm always choosing to close my eyes. For if I can't see, I should be able to keep myself alive.

Someone has once told me, that I'm too true to myself that it hurts him. Or more or less like that, I couldn't remember clearly enough. Does anyone really come close to feeling my bones? Do I even need to waste my time on any other skeletal? When your spine is just as good as his/her spine.

How is it possible for a 25 year old to be liking Nat King Cole? The vinyl, the old records, the holga camera, and everything in retrospection? Because in the sixties and seventies, everyone around you feel like humans. Passionate about lives, love and lust. Lust, you heard me, at least they weren't denying it.

I've been mad reading, the more I do, the more my heart aches. It was bittersweet and I couldn't explain it. So at loss I am for words, that I feel like crying. I had thought of writing a long letter to Andy, but do I really have to? Does anyone enjoy receiving letters these days? It was so intense, that it's melancholic and I'm turning sadistic. So much that it hurts, how do I even let you fathom it? Or are you able to?

I couldn't be wide eyed to another round of disappointment tomorrow. And my heart is telling me I will. I am the least priority. And forever I will be, alone in my own cold realm. I've heard a thousand of lies, and have come up with a million of em myself. Who is to tell me what's what and what's not?

I had seen and imagined a scenery unlike ones which I've remembered. It was quite empty, yet it felt like I was having everything. But these everything doesn't amount to the weight which they should deem hold. Something was inadequate, something was immaculately rid of. I do not have any slightest clue on why the hands of time only move one way and why going the other is impossible. I do not remember who I was four years ago when here I am trying to relive it. I'm too tired, to wake up every morning with this artificial faith the sunshine never fails to bring, yet only to be greeted by this kind of contradiction and confusion every night. I need a new life, but what do I need in order to transport myself to a new genesis?

What do you really know? Do you really know as much as I do? Do you think you know because you think your reality makes you a complete person?

If you give me whatever I want,

whatever I need,

I will give both to you.

This is my love guaranteed.

:)

Wednesday, I despise you.

You can't believe this. I woke up in the morning to realise I have a sudden throat infection. How I know it is one because I have the intellectual level to tell a throat infection from a sore throat. Quit forcing strepsils down my throat, it ain't going to work. I think I need antibiotics. Perhaps my sinus is acting up again. I think the french fries from Mac yesterday cut my throat. This is how delicate my lips, mouth, gum, throat are!

I can't sing (to irritate the guys at work). I can't talk properly. And I can't even swallow my saliva so I'm practically drooling all over the place, on my sheets, I'm wearing a bib, and I stink.

I'm so going to the company doctor tomorrow if I can wake up early enough. Ouch.

Ah! I feel so lousy.

..!..

L.O.V.E forever!

Christmas is approaching, let's begin the countdown. I can't wait. Gimme the turkey, ham and yummy log cake. And lotsa Christmas gifts. I should perhaps get myself an iPhone 4. I'm so sleepy now, that with every blink of my eyes, I am seeing images of the past. My mom is asking to go Mezza at Grand Hyatt for their buffet lunch. 108++ per pax is really not expensive. But for someone like me who doesn't take too much a fancy to anything raw, it somewhat suggests a hole in my comme des garcons purse.

Sometimes, it really does only require minimal amount of initiative to come up with an almost effortless gesture to make someone feel appreciated. I hate to say this because I'm a bitch, but I have to because my stomach is rumbling in tremor from McSpicy which I had for lunch in the afternoon. Now I feel like I'm trying to correspond with my old mobile number. Do not even bother to explain why, how or why didn't you. Because when this has been made history, nothing can be done to undo it, so there shouldn't be a need to call for further complications. The more you talk, the lighter everything weighs. So let's just close our eyes and feel.

Been following Butterfly's for so long and really, mine seem way too fair in comparison. I'm just like a virtual stranger yakking away nothing constructive and neither nothingness of absolute humour. I should start mad reading again. I deduce it aids in the writing.

My eyelids are bowling balls now. I'm going to chase my Zs. I wonder why Tracy has been trying to say things of extreme abstractness which no one could really fathom why she is trying to do so. Did you catch my subtle sarcasm? =D

I'm not exactly looking forward to tomorrow when I should. I guess I'm kinda hanging by a moment, and this moment it is.

Crying waves.

The waves cried tonight,

the winter birds came to sing,

a garden blossomed many fallen leaves.

Purple lightning came to strike,

your unheard thunder roared my ting-a-ling.

She, who wore a summer dress,

adored the impossibilities of things,

gave sudden hope and faith in everything.

-

Everytime I close my eyes I thank the Lord that I've got you,

and you've got me too.

Everytime I think of it I pinch myself cause I don't believe it's true,

that someone like you loves me too.

是谁的心啊  

孤单地留下

他还好吗

我多么想爱他

那永恒的泪

凝固的一句话 

也许可能蒸发  

Just a little crush.

Why do I not feel empowered enough to develop my own feel of complacency now?

When I read your blog, why do I feel such jealousy?

How different are we?

Is simplicity really your bliss?

-

Which way have I taken?

How have I been walking?

Or have I been chasing pavements again?

What to blossom?

What do I know?

When a withered,

tells the gloom.

Then it'd be back and forth,

nevertheless,

endlessly.

Hello stranger.

Goodbye friend.

the lone sun.

the lonelier sun.

Another.

Another one down. 3 from my graduating primary school class are married. A lot more are engaged. Thank God, none invited me. Thank God, those whom I still talk to are still fooling around and no one wants to marry em (Yes you!). Is it me? Or is it everyone else? Why do I feel a mixture of envy and "LOLs" when I see every one of em getting hitched?

Envy? Well because I think I will look so much hotter with professional make up and I envy them for wearing nice pretty gowns! /mews "LOLs" because, I guess we will be missing out a lot after marriage. God! Seeing the same face everyday (imagine if it's Shrek you married) is just not going to do anything better to the relationship. Aye? And how are you supposed to know that him/her is just going to be the one? Imagine going through individual transitions, how sure are we to know whether he/she would still be around?

What's with the banquet? Isn't it more than a chore to be throwing such massive event? Half of the guests who turn up are ones whom you barely speak to in years? And maybe most of them are ones you've never spoken to in your entire life. Then what joy could you possibly share? How happy do they actually feel for you? Talk about hypocrisy. I would rather book zouk and have my granny break dance at phuture. With this kinda money throwing a banquet could cost, I can own a Birkin seriously. What's more important than having a Hermes?

The thought of having to wake up at 4am is so terrifying. I would rather club or dota till 4am. Shittish. How am I going to survive this kinda long day with the so called adrenalin rush? Can a bride actually yawns when she's on the stage cutting the wedding cake? I might need triple shots of expresso injected into me every hour.

Why do you guys want to get married in this kinda conventional manner anyway?

By asking the groom to wear female G string on his head when he comes over to get the bride, is not going to make it anywhere special or interesting. Do I get myself clear? Whatever shit tricks the typical 'sisters' can come up with, at the end of the day, he still gets her. Someone tell me one groom had actually died from drinking the potent mixture of flaming cokewasabichrysathemumvodkamilo?

Don't get me wrong. I would love to be married. I would beg to have someone who's so mine to spend the rest of my life with. My wedding is going to be a very quiet event with only ones whom I am sure I speak to, I've spoken to, and I know who he/she exactly is. There's a reason why we call it a matrimonial union and not a matrimonial orgy. A backdrop of the setting sun, a pastor (in God's place), my family and close friends, me and mine.

Use the money, go to France, Paris, Milan and get a birkin. Really. And a Cartier for wedding band.

Yeah. I think the 24 hour drive through at Vegas best suits me.

An upside down apple tree,

half a butterfly.

queen fleur,

a phoenix,

and a snail with horns.

My gardenplay.

The Sex Goddess.1

Today shall be the last day I feast.

I am going to do my lemonade detoxification every morning.

Lemons + water + organic maple syrup/honey

For three days, I'm going to live solely on Lemonade.

The cycle shall be 3 on lemon, 1 on normal meals.

Did I tell you this is my ninth day of not smoking?

I impress myself quite a lot you know.

So doubtlessly, with an inner strength like this,

it shouldn't be hard to go back to 56kg.

=(.

I'll aim for lighter than that when I'm already that okay!

Can someone set a T rex on me please!

Never been exposed photos! Because I had thought I was fat back then (which I was). Now that I'm a whale! Looking back always makes the heart cringe in pain.

..!.. myself.

Why do I even let myself slip back right back on board the ship of whales again?!

And the reason why I uploaded these ain't because I want to motivate myself.

It's because I stumbled upon some fatty sex blogger who even dare pose her nude photos which are rather disturbing.

And to think there're guys who left suggestive comments.

I had thought all those comments were disses.

That reminded me of something which my boyfriend told me recently. Heh.

I totally understand why some men even resort to such sub-standards. First of all, these men are usually the low in confidence kinda. Don't deny, you know you have an issue with your self esteem if you fuck blue whales. (Don't look at me, I still believe I'm with the smallest species of whales. And I can always revert back to being a mermaid, mark my words.)

Secondly, these girls themselves are the easiest preys for the sub standards predators. (What? You expect one caveman who's cowardly and feeble to go hunt a prized Sabre Tooth Tiger?) And bedding these girls are as easy as counting how many toes you have, unless you're telling me you're a retard. Based on ongoing case studies around me, this is what I dare conjure up. Some girls just like to give free sex to better validate their insecurities, for e.g, after one night of mad fucking with strangers, they'd feel good about themselves 95% of the times because they can make themselves believe that there are indeed men who want them, though not exactly the dream guys, nor the hot/cute ones. This, we call delusional disorder. 5% of the times, they actually snap back to reality and their thresholds, and realize what they have been doing are just self worth validation which no one has been able to give to them because without exposing lotsa boobies/booties, no one actually cares to give a second look. Within these brazen fucks with strangers, these girls actually feel lousy about themselves most of the times. These 'lousiness' about themselves usually induce the sleeping around and so on. Then they'd remember the 95% of the times when they felt good about themselves, so they abolish the 5% of shittish feeling and go around doing the same routine over and over again. It's a vicious cycle.

What I would say here is this: definitely, do not expect me to be singing "you are beautiful. no matter what they say... words can't bring you down. " No. fuck it. Stop deluding yourself. Words can't bring you down I'm sure, but quit lying to yourself that you're the one in demand. Bottom line is you do not need to be in men's demand to feel good about yourself. I know fully about the never dying relationship with girls and attention, tell me more about it. And it makes me feel so angry to learn that there are girls who aren't too bad themselves crying out for attention and doing all the uncalled fors. Let me teach you how to snap out of the sleeping around cycle and be a complacently happy person, on your own.

1. Lose weight

2. Get a healthy hobby of reading, painting, poetry, pottery, whatever

3. Engage a healthy lifestyle of moderate clubbing/drinking and quit smoking (now that I have, I can proudly diss all you smokers out there. Muhahahaha!)

4. Learn how to tease and flirt from the sex goddess (a.k.a yours truly)

5. Listen to nouvelle vague and quit those black music on hoes and pimps

When you've done all of the above, you'd realize that there'd be a lot of men flocking to you (not exactly the sub standard ones, but they'd still be in this flock anyway). And these, (another statistic) probably 75% wants to solely sleep with you, 20% wants to sleep with you and perhaps get to know a little more on your inside (which won't be difficult for you, because besides fucking strangers now, you've picked up a new healthy hobby which somewhat intrigues the men). 5% (which is not definitely accurate most of the times) want to genuinely know you as an individual. Bottom line is this, and remember this, men are just useless pricks with a brain and a penis but not enough blood to run both simultaneously. All of them want sex, but whether they only want it from you and only you, is something which you need to learn to tackle.

Another thing is this, do not always want to engage in something romantic with the men. Because if you do, your body sells you out. Your body language shows it, and the men ain't dumb enough not to read your signs which are as prominent as a blinking green man saying "Go!". The only person you need to impress in this whole world is yourself. If you do not expect anything, you won't go all out to accomplish your expectations.

You, yourself, is your world.

And your goal is,

You, yourself ought to be his world.

P.S anyone wanna dance?!

A Gardenparty.

"Chrissyeepoo was being put on the shelf today, untouched. A spider had managed to spin some web over her. Dust was collected at the foot of her floral pink dress. Her porcelain faced was smeared with dirt, and one of her lashes was falling off, barely sticking to her still left eye. Her hair, untidy as it was, was black and long. It's now glittered with soft greys... Cold and all alone, she sat on the teak brown shelf. With no flutter of lids, she stared at an empty room, the chilling four walls with no life. She waits for a rainbow."

I am going to get myself a box of color pencils tomorrow! I think I'll look for a 72 colors one! I should go back to sketching! And designing! As suggested by Yvonne, because I drew her a wedge, and a dress some nights ago using my mouse. I'm going broke! And I might not have enough for a pretty nice sketch book. So I'm going to do it the most conventional way, I'm going to do drawing block. :D

Daddy was wearing a tie with his briefs. Damn psychotic!

Hah! I don't wanna grow up because I still want to draw this way! ;p

Butterflies.

"the sere of an eventuality heralds the genesis of a beginning..."

Last night, I dreamt a love so surreal, soft and filled with gentleness. Just like the look I saw through the window that night, it was delicate as a feather. It felt as if the world had stopped, and I had started to melt with you. A string of butterflies was given birth, whirled me in for a period of merciless time. And it began again, on a different note, a new fashion with similarities which myself couldn't resist. Old nostalgia swept over me, yet it was another face I see. A face which took every adoration and I so very wish to keep as mine for as long as he should permit.

The birth of another dimension occurred. It was unpredictable. It took me by surprise and helplessly, I am falling again into a bottomless pit which was limitless. There isn't a basis to feel at all, no foundation was laid. Am I to blame for being blinded by the intensity when it is such an irresistible imaginary grace? When it is an extremity unlike others, all within a beatitude so mild and meek.

Gone are mundane days with senseless meaningless conversations. Every verbal interaction calls for intellectual and emotional stimulation. The amber of our togetherness induce a faith which I could hold on to. Do we need a lot to say when careless words exchanged are mere nothingness ridded of gravity? Isn't this feeling inside me of a more sovereign role of reality?

You awoke me.

And now, I see you.

I look like a joker and Mel look stunned because I look like a joker.

The internet connection tonight is a whore. Whenever I open up a new tab, it would take ages to load "Top Sites" (if you're using Safari) and most of the times, it hangs and yeah, it's still hanging. I'm lighting up cigs fast because I am so, you know, impatient. And really emo/needy today. I feel so worthless about myself suddenly. I'm like the one chasing now. And I totally despise it. Fuck me. ;)

So I went down to Chinatown and got a quarter pounder burger for Yvonne, in hope to persuade her to head down to St James with me.

After about two hours, she gave a 'no' so I took her Dragonfly Membership card and headed down.

Yes, dragonfly, you heard me. Doesn't matter luh, so as long it's free. You know I really detest queues and cover charges.

The night turned out to be wilder than what I've expected. Chilling champagne at Belini Room and overlooking Boiler made me feel so special with the whole boiler at my feet.

Went down over to Powerhouse and found Melvin. He then saw another side of me.

Dragged Melvin over to Movida because the girls wanted Latinos. And both Melvin and I concluded Powerhouse and Movida used the same CD to spin. Fugging cheating Foo family and Gordon's mahjong khakis. =)

By the time we were at Movida, most of us were tipsy already.

But fuck, not me, I knew I was dehydrating fast. But I couldn't stop myself from dancing. I was at the inside bar of Movida, a higher platform, I have got to get back to myself for at least once, so be it this, the first in three years. So when I got the attention from those who turned to watch, YES! Fuggin hell! I am still THERE!!!! To the niggas and whites beside me, no, you guys can't dance. And just get a room please. I can practically see the dick erected on the ang moh's face already. So yeah, get a fuckin room.

Damn it feels so good to know I can still dance!

While Melvin was leading me out of Movida, I broke a mug. And I ran away. =D

Left the club at around 3am and shared a cab with him, dropped him at his place first and I was shit thirsty, I had to ask the uncle to drop us at some seven eleven near yew tee to get drinks.

The aftermath of this club event was a two day long dehydration fest. First day of hangover, I drank like a camel who happened to stumble upon an oasis. Second day of hangover (which is today), because of the Indon cuisine I had on the first day of hangover, the dehydration continued and most probably worsen because I have been on the loo runs. =)

I am the biggest attention seeker you know, do you know? But I do it subtlety most of the times, so you won't find out. Can I rant here about my current boyfriend?

He reminded me so much like Alloy.

Look at entries in year 2007 and read the mental rides I had back then.

I'm really crossing my fingers.

I doubt I might be able to handle.

So when I can't, I run away. Just like how I couldn't handle the breaking of the mug.

Wishlist #2010.

1. Balenciaga City Bag

2. Alexander McQueen skull scarf

3. Comme des garcons Play tee

4. Get married in 2011

5. Baby in 2012

No. 1,2,3 are very achievable. No. 4,5 not so.

Lmao. It's the age luh! Babies are cute things.

Or perhaps I'll just drift and fool around. Fine with it too.

Think Tracy will be the first among the three of us to get hitched, aye Yvonne?

Can't imagine how her baby will look. (Tracy + Jerry = Tragedy)

HAHAHAHA. OMG. Don't hit me biatch.

Fear.

I went to google on something rather disturbing me.

I guess it is the cause for my headache.

Oh god, tell me I'm as ridiculous and stupid as Americans.

It can't be, right?

I'm me you know.

Yes, me.

Chrissy, fug off?

Just admit that you're wrong and I'll give back what I borrowed or stole.

-

You love me, because I am me.

Inevitably me.

Funny, witty, and girly.

When end of day comes,

do you see my ugly?

Yeo Yvonne: Haha. No I want my $33. And I'm playing the three truths and lies game now.

Me: That's my idea. It's $66 for copyright infringements. if we presume you keep to the pact, you'd still owe me $33.

Yeo Yvonne: Fuck u.

Me: Harder baby.

Aeryn Yeoh already has a pending relationship request.

Someone's stealing you. Boo hoo hoo. :(

-

Cal stole my cap.

A camera for face. Really cool.

No lomo. Bad weather, as you can see.

Rude Boy. sex therapy.

I love the new Rihanna's Rude Boy MTV. After having watched it for countless times, I still haven't managed to capture the idea and the concept of it. Very interesting indeed. I wonder whether this works for me all the times, with the things going on around me, and with the people coming and leaving. I don't get bored of stuffs which are hard to comprehend.

This message is for that ball-less asshole, Desmond Wai Kah How:

You can continue to delete anyone whom we know, anyone so dear to me and is always near me. But let me tell you this, I've got the whole world on my side. Because I am right, and you are not. If you think I shouldn't do you grace by telling the whole world on what you have done, give me the green light and I'll start the ball rolling. I might even set your tiny warped little world come crashing down. And then, you might realize, the remaining 'connections' we have now might just start to look at you differently. The people around you listen to your side of the story, and the people around me listen to mine. After all, we are mere human beings, always trying to cover up our 'bad', and impress with our so called 'good'. However, the significant difference between you and me, is that I've got more balls than you. I am not afraid to face or deal with anyone. Your way of doing things just further prove you're guilty and ashamed - running away is your forte, your infinite unique characteristic which I have failed to see all along. A round of applause for your minimal amount of guts. I hope your next girlfriend don't find em too small. ;)

I have moved on. And I simply do not care anything concerning you ever since yesterday or the day before, I cannot recall. If I didn't hear from them that you deleted them, I won't even know. You're so childish for a 29 year old. It took me three weeks to get over this relationship. It really proves how lousy it was. And what a lousy man you are. I have you at my tiny finger Desmond. =)

I hope you screw your life up and I'll go rofl at your tiny brains.

-

I took my first photo with the lens cover on. I'm a good game! I can't decide between Ann Siang Road or Sentosa for the photography. I was thinking of getting a nice lanyard for the camera from either Tod's or Bottega. I told Grace and she exclaimed that my lanyard is going to cost more than the camera. Haha. I'm a material pot.

Stereophonics are here again! And I haven't got anyone who's going to go with me. What happen to you this bunch of so-called indie garang people huh?! I know I didn't attend Placebo's, but this is Stereophonics we are talking about man! Way old school darn it! Maybe I should ask Nory.

I'm getting dreamy again, did I tell you?

The mood is on. =)

P.S btw, why is everyone getting hamsters these days? Maybe I should get a couple or one for my guinea pigs as pets.