Teardrops on my Guitar.

I cried pillow on 26th February 2008. Sun was setting 5.00 to 6.00.

I have so much inside and I am seeking for someone whom I can confide in, and perhaps I might need some opinions/solutions which I nonethelessly think I have been generously, repetitively showered with. A feeling confidant who doesn't throw in her/his own judgement is hard to come by. I went right away to onestormshort and found out that, perhaps she is in some kinda shite herself. Which later on, after having seen her MSN nick, I deduced that she is. And I backed off. So I backed off, worrying about her and hoping she isn't in such a mess like I am in.

I read 'The Little Prince' twice today, again.

Walking around the streets just felt somewhat slightly different today. Perhaps it was because of the humidity, I think I sweat my dress. Strangely when I looked up at some trees, I had an inexplicable flashback (with no link to trees), this scene from 'The Notebook' where Noah told Ally that when he sees something he likes, he... just loves it. Then I understood another type of pain at that point of time.

One calendar and five lollipops with strange wordings which neither of us could comprehend, 'I love sleaze roxx.' So I ended up joking it off although my heart was cringing, that it's 'I love sleazeballs' she meant. I ought to feel proud. Because they see what I see in you. But indefinitely, I see what they don't see in you. I don't wish to feel inferior at all. Because I believe in myself and lastly, you. For seeing me in the way you are not seeing them in.

Alas, things are still not looking up. And I doubt they ever would eventhough I keep hoping that they will. Most probably, neither one of us could actually sum up and say where is wrong. Because on that day, we cried. Not just me, but both of us. I don't mean to insult any of your judgement here, but this is what my heart feels. And we both know we can only see things with our hearts. What is essential is invisible to the eye. I need no form of a buoyant. Because I understand that Love is never a fair war. And please do try to apprehend the ambiguities here. Because, there's really none to explain if no one can comprehend. When you don't get it, you never will.

And with regards to Ben et al. calling me a fake. If you said so, if it pleases you, I have no qualms and I ain't stopping you. Because if you think holding a surfaced conversation is what friends are only capable of producing, I am really sorry to hear that. -smiles- All the feeling you are giving me, is that you are only making use when there's room and space for the use. I shouldn't even had wanted to rush down to where you were when you got into a huge row with your folks. At that moment, I was loving you as a friend, I had wanted to do my part. I should have most probably gone down, because you might even have a recollection today, of what I (used to) have done for you. So I am dumb. I am stupid. I am feeling. No doubt about that. -smiles-

Tell me love, didn't we feel that they walk with haste, not stopping to look nor slowing down to observe. Do they even know where they are leading themselves to? They usually don't. And all that they'd ever care about is to keep moving because everyone else is. Afterall, that's what Life is to them, isn't it? Not the Oriental Express but a Bullet Train in Japan. So conceitedly made this way, we no longer matter to one another. Even when I am the rose which you've watered, taken care of, spoken to, listened to when I am boastful or even being silent. Don't lose your footing love.

I let those cursed drops fell on my guitar tonight. I wish I could show you it's not easy to walk away. Let alone, to fall as gently as a tree.

[edit]

Turns out The Little Prince was a lie, a hoax, a make believe.

So I choose to leap to an asteroid far enough, where I will be millions of lightyears away from him. I cannot and don't wish to eye yet another artifice in life. However, I won't deprive anyone of anything because of the hurt and pain I have been receiving. It's a brand new day everyday on earth, where everything is a metaphor, we can only see things clearer in retrospect.

And I exhale...

I cannot function and breathe.

Because there is no Faith,

nothing anymore.

I wept badly last night while calling out your name to the tinkling noises of the windchime. And I know somewhere at a discreet corner, the identical one is jingling too. I fell asleep again, like every other ordinary day, to the ghost of you hoping that this itself is a dream.

I shouldn't have let you know what Ben did before which almost killed me. I didn't think you'd do that to me, which you have in fact, proved my judgement wrong. The difference this time - I didn't hide under anything. I have to feel this. I have to know I can still live as usual without you.

I feel bad and guilty for hurling words of harshness in your face. And it makes me wonder, whether you do too.

I have to shut myself in again, and never even want to learn how to invite warmth. We will both learn our self taught lessons well this time.

"...you belong to me."

.

Flashing lights.

The Little Prince, I had missed you so much. If you would ever chanced upon the little star within my realm again, perhaps you could dial that familiar tone again. For a little solace to hush me to sleep through every darkness to lovely light.

The Little Prince.

The cold night on the desert, and the gentle sandy wind blows. You materialised like an apparition which I have never dreamt. You laid me down, somewhere not too far. We fixed our eyes on the constellating stars. We spoke no word, but yet, we knew. Whether were we connected, there's no need for explanation.

We know.

You know.

I do.

I say I'll ask why don't you show me the exit with the crimson light you shine?

Or when will I ever see it again...

I'll be seeing you.

The most joyous affair which happened to me recently, is that I decided to purchase and re read "The Little Prince". It was dated years back when I read this beautiful story for the first time. Being more than a toddler, less than a child, I had thought it was simply just another fairytale. This time around, it had harboured more meaning to me than ever, and had set my cognitive landscape to once again, a lonely yet very much simple planet.

The Little Prince.

Asking all the questions that you want to, quenching your hungry thirst for truths and enjoying the most endearing simplicities in life. You did not want to answer any questions at all. You needed us to feel, to sense not the way a grownup would. There's wisdom hidden beyond our threshold to grow, our self pretentious falsehood that we are grownups. We do not fathom that a simple child could be wiser. We never did. You watched fourty three sunsets on your lonesome planet. And you leapt to us, telling us that there are things we want to see through things we can't see, if only we see with our hearts. You helped me got back to my very basic skeletal. And prior to your departure, I had my pace hastened, wanting to chase. That's when my threshold gave way, and I no longer did sway the way you had thought I do. And you left with disappointment and shame. You left your greatest fan.

I found my little prince eversince the day before my last birthday. And he left just about today, without a simple goodbye.

She asked, how long did it take me to find the things we don't wish to lose. I'd say a short spur of flashing time, but I wasn't so sure until he went away.

"...the loveliest and saddest landscape on earth."

We did not deny the way we exchanged eyes,

But yet all that I could do was to hold my greatest sighs.

Happy Valentine's Day, my heart.

I hope you feel loved today.

You cut me open.

I will let this love bleed.

Until the last drop of crimson falls upon my vivid memories.

Till then, they'd be made vague.

And while every little kisses to the world shall be made,

Every little sweet nothings would all sound aberrantly familiar.

There shall be a shadow,

lingering somewhere near.

Within my velvet rope,

within this bleeding love.

Perhaps and Maybe.

So you sailed away

Into a grey sky morning

Now I'm here to stay

Love can be so boring

Nothing's quite the same now

I just say your name now

And it may take some time to

Patch me up inside

But I can't take it so

I run away and hide

And I may find in time that

You were always right

You're always right

But it's not so bad

You're only the best I've ever had

You don't want me back

You're just the best I've ever had

#120

The time now is 3.50pm and I have had my reunion lunch/teabreak/dinner. My mother is going through such mid life menopause that the slightest twist of words would trigger her into a total cynicism rage. I merely joked around with this whole reunion lunch thingii, and she sneered saying we all can have steamboat at anytime of the day. There's a scarce of humour these days. Because she is my mom, I don't wish to comment much about her here. Women at mid life crisis are deadly. My youngest sister made me laughed hysterically the other day, saying why people these days are abandoning their folks. It's not that they don't wish to handle the folks, its just that “不是你死，就是我亡。一山不能藏二虎。” Haha. She has a point there seriously. The folks nowadays are getting more demanding. They didn't know depression is a common illness. And when I was having dinner with my dada the other night, I was asking him whether he knows what exactly is depression, and he said he doesn't. And I stared at him in disbelief and both of us went back to sucking our nicotine lollipops.

The whole CNY issue is giving me the frights more and more with each single year. No idea why I was so in love with this festive when I was younger. Fish had told me about the fortune we would be getting from the ang baos. But duh? How much would be consolidated? It's barely enough for one night's out. The tradition of CNY is to wear Red; Christmas' colors are Red and Green. But we don't see people wearing Red and Green on Xmas eh? Oh yeah. Some dude sent me a CNY greeting sms this early wees from (I think) Macau. I have no friggin idea who that is. But thanks, an overseas greeting to show that my shadow is still lingering somewhere in your mind. And no, do not do these kinda thing to Chrisma again, because she is easily irritated by these kinda things. Whereas for my birthday, it is a different story.

I have been checking out people who blogs about their sex lives and did a diagnose on one of the girls. I believe she is still young, and I reckon she needs a psychologist very soon. And speaking of which, I have been procrastinating my session. I might not even need it anymore. I have no idea. Pray momma doesn't agitate or push me.

Sighs to the Ferregamo job. Andy has helped as much as he could. It's I who screwed the second interview I guess. I think I am getting dumber. God.

I need a shag now.