I have so much inside and I am seeking for someone whom I can confide in, and perhaps I might need some opinions/solutions which I nonethelessly think I have been generously, repetitively showered with. A feeling confidant who doesn't throw in her/his own judgement is hard to come by. I went right away to onestormshort and found out that, perhaps she is in some kinda shite herself. Which later on, after having seen her MSN nick, I deduced that she is. And I backed off. So I backed off, worrying about her and hoping she isn't in such a mess like I am in.
I read 'The Little Prince' twice today, again.
Walking around the streets just felt somewhat slightly different today. Perhaps it was because of the humidity, I think I sweat my dress. Strangely when I looked up at some trees, I had an inexplicable flashback (with no link to trees), this scene from 'The Notebook' where Noah told Ally that when he sees something he likes, he... just loves it. Then I understood another type of pain at that point of time.
One calendar and five lollipops with strange wordings which neither of us could comprehend, 'I love sleaze roxx.' So I ended up joking it off although my heart was cringing, that it's 'I love sleazeballs' she meant. I ought to feel proud. Because they see what I see in you. But indefinitely, I see what they don't see in you. I don't wish to feel inferior at all. Because I believe in myself and lastly, you. For seeing me in the way you are not seeing them in.
Alas, things are still not looking up. And I doubt they ever would eventhough I keep hoping that they will. Most probably, neither one of us could actually sum up and say where is wrong. Because on that day, we cried. Not just me, but both of us. I don't mean to insult any of your judgement here, but this is what my heart feels. And we both know we can only see things with our hearts. What is essential is invisible to the eye. I need no form of a buoyant. Because I understand that Love is never a fair war. And please do try to apprehend the ambiguities here. Because, there's really none to explain if no one can comprehend. When you don't get it, you never will.
And with regards to Ben et al. calling me a fake. If you said so, if it pleases you, I have no qualms and I ain't stopping you. Because if you think holding a surfaced conversation is what friends are only capable of producing, I am really sorry to hear that. -smiles- All the feeling you are giving me, is that you are only making use when there's room and space for the use. I shouldn't even had wanted to rush down to where you were when you got into a huge row with your folks. At that moment, I was loving you as a friend, I had wanted to do my part. I should have most probably gone down, because you might even have a recollection today, of what I (used to) have done for you. So I am dumb. I am stupid. I am feeling. No doubt about that. -smiles-
Tell me love, didn't we feel that they walk with haste, not stopping to look nor slowing down to observe. Do they even know where they are leading themselves to? They usually don't. And all that they'd ever care about is to keep moving because everyone else is. Afterall, that's what Life is to them, isn't it? Not the Oriental Express but a Bullet Train in Japan. So conceitedly made this way, we no longer matter to one another. Even when I am the rose which you've watered, taken care of, spoken to, listened to when I am boastful or even being silent. Don't lose your footing love.
I let those cursed drops fell on my guitar tonight. I wish I could show you it's not easy to walk away. Let alone, to fall as gently as a tree.
[edit]
Turns out The Little Prince was a lie, a hoax, a make believe.
So I choose to leap to an asteroid far enough, where I will be millions of lightyears away from him. I cannot and don't wish to eye yet another artifice in life. However, I won't deprive anyone of anything because of the hurt and pain I have been receiving. It's a brand new day everyday on earth, where everything is a metaphor, we can only see things clearer in retrospect.
And I exhale...
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