wild hogs.

Re read Geisha of Gion.
I wish I can be as strong as Mineko Iwasaki.



She will never let anything bring her down.



I still yearn for my tropical passion latte from CoffeeBean though.

I went to TM. I got picked up and was sent over.
It was a very sweet gesture. And I really appreciate it a lot.

Went to catch Wild Hogs. Oh. Friggin Funny. Lotsa Harley Davidsons. Staring John Travolta, Martin Lawrence, Tim Allen and William Macy. I really have a crush on John Travolta. I think he is hot. And I have a friend who looks a lot like him. Cheers Dylan.

At the carpark, on the way walking up to TM. I saw two things which I decided to snap a photo of.




I just don't reckon this is my style and I am definitely not going to have these. But I am still considering red or black.




There wasn't any drum there!

I spilled teh chinois all over me while having supper at East Coast Lagoon. A thorough goner. Clumsy as usual.

The night supposedly to be magical, turned out to be a nightmare when darkness slowly gives way to light. It was raining heavily... It was as if travelling in a time machine back to 10th March 2005. Every moment of it was worth savouring. So how did it turn out so horribly wrong?!

" Love without setbacks ain't true love."
Bullshit.



Everyone loves a lil scandal some time.





Loves,
Love.

ann sally's i wish you (both) love.

At 0600hours. My night lamp and my maroon satin curtains.

Miss(v.)
1. Feel the want of
2. Not have
3. Notice esp with regret the absence of - e.g I miss you

It was pouring when I opened my eyes. My room was pretty much in a state... Well you can call it heavenly. It was clearly less than 20 degrees. Real dark. Real dreamy. And my bed just happens to be Godlike. What it does is, it slowly drains away your fatigue and recharges your body with all the energy you'll need for the day. Which kinda now explains why my friends who'd once slept in, are always requesting to come over.






Yvonne didn't call me last night, nor is she calling now. The guy whom she is interested in, went to her school to pick her up last night. Needless to say, ...

I am not naturally insecured. Issues which had happened in the last two years of my life just got me hitting right into that pathetic state. Sorting out all thoughts, all along, I know what I wanna do with my life. When I said that a relationship isn't about setbacks and it shan't be served as a distraction, I had been guilty of letting it holding my life back. I gave up a golden opportunity of having a OJT overseas. That was because I was with someone whom I don't wish to part with despite how much deep down inside I had wanted to go. (One factor has gotten to be my guinea pigs)I don't blame no one, but myself. I don't mean what I say, most of the times. I claim to be strong, but I am sure, most of you around, know that I am just a weakling.

I am not exactly the best in a very special way.
But this is just me, and trust me, I am trying hard to be better.

(But I am a ninja at cryptic crosswords.)

still bic runga sway.

spoke to Nic.

I'm feeling better I guess.

In less than 3 months, I've been brought to my life's lowest point over and over again. And this anxiety disorder which leads to serious sleeping disorder and mild panic attacks are getting their toll on me. If I just carry on with this, I may just black out on some streets. No it ain't about fainting. It is about the embarrassment involved when you're lying on some tiled pavement (that is if I am lucky. Or it could be some slumps) with strangers surrounding you. Worse if some freak try to perform CPR on me.

I guess, I just shouldn't be reliant on anyone anymore. My life, ahead of me, though a mystery, I know I can beautify it and color it any way, which soever. I do not want to be wild, hot nor pretty anymore. I just want to be simple. And most importantly, smiling.



And I am singing again.
Perhaps it's time to fetch that guitar lying around somewhere.

he is godlike.

Nic says (6:43 AM):
you didn't, in the realistic and physical sense
you just had that emotional imaginary pillar.
you didn't care about what/who you were loving.
you just wanted to love someone
and now, it's still the same case isn't it?

Nic says (6:55 AM):
not just ben
you have to give up certain parts of your character
certain traits
certain things that you have lived with, all your life.
stop being needy.
you have to accept facts, and the world as it is.

chrissy* - get rich or die tryin'. says (6:56 AM):
u mean stop being reliant?

Nic says (6:56 AM):
let's imagine the world is simple
there are 2 types of people
1) those that rely on other people. 2) those that can be relied on.
choose now.
then work towards it


Nic says (7:00 AM):
no.1 sucks. cause you can't function without someone
and in this ugly world, you can't really depend on anyone
how many times have you been disappointed?
why not just quit it, and be no.2?
no.2's great cause you'll have more motivation in whatever you do

Nic says (7:01 AM):
cause you know people are counting on you
and you will always function
everyday of your life, you're living
sure, sometimes it sucks cause you're bearing big burdens. but at least you're feeling alive every single day







This is my fave man on earth on my bed. And it is not what it seems.

19 April 2007

I totally adore you. However, you betrayed this faith. Not only that, you betrayed me. You are a polygamy believer. You came up with packs and packs of lies in hope to bring me down. It's clear that you do not know how to play this game.

So with my best, my very best, I set you free.

jaded.

dearest Bennett,

words of harsh you spoke of.
actions of negligence, you did.
was i nothing more than a rag doll to you?
that you have to pick me up and throw me down
with the most forceful strength you ever had?

do you ponder why to you, im devoted?
have you wonder why i keep choosing to stay?

the blistering cold, now you left me with again.
am i not human? am i without blood flowing through my veins?
am i emotionless that you have to keep killing me again and again?

caught up in between to go or to stay.

Some believe in miracles. I don't.

Time now is 7.48pm. Date today is 17th January 2007. Congratulations. I am back to the single status again. Less than 2 months to our 2nd anniversary. Pity... How did we ended?

I was feeling unhappy last night. I needed someone to talk to. I called him thrice. He chose his games over me. All along I was uncertain of my importance. Last night was just a minor case. Said he would call back, however he didn't. And so, tired me fell asleep. I managed to reach him on his cell phone at around 6 this evening. Battery went flat the first time, he didn't bother to call back. Called him again. I tried talking to him nicely. He just wanna sleep and ignore whatever I say. Disappointed and angry, I shouted. I do not like to shout. I was never a violent nor angry person. He is the only one in this world who can make my lose it, wild out and act like a lunatic. He hanged up on me and switched off his cell phone.

I shouldn't be so naive and positive to even think that we can last. -smiles- I know there are so many obstacles ahead of us. Been together for two years and the only time when I can walk into his house without having to be sneakily is when his folks are out of town. Friends had told me to let it go. They had already grown tired of persuading me, trying to convince me that he isn't going to give me any happiness nor future. I admit I was just waiting for a miracle. I haven't been happy for some time. I just keep trying to ignore the unhappiness this relationship has been bringing to me. And fought hard to keep it going. I keep trying, changing, keep compromising, what do I receive?

Two years down the drain. All the effort, time devoted in exchange for a hefty amount of unhappiness. I am not the right kind of girl for him. And neither is he the right kind of guy for me. What I want in life differs from his. How we want to lead our lives are different. I have been foolish to keep trying all by myself. I have been ridiculous and unreasonably crazy and blind.

I am thinking of Nic. He is attractive but no, I do not have any feelings for him. Same history, similar personalities and character. Been hopelessly lost in love, disappointed and disgusted by the aftermath. This is how similar we are right now. When we treat someone right, why don't they reciprocrate? Why do I have to go back to the lifestyle I used to lead? Why do I have to be that self centered, egoistic bitch who manipulate any bastards down the street? Thought I found someone to settle down with, spend the rest of my fucking life with. Pity, wrong guy. False hopes. I should face the reality and move on. ^^

I doubt my youngest sister would ever change. She is a angry person. Always raising her voice, always cynical, always thinking why I keep thinking lowly of her. I was just being concerned about her preparations for her examinations this morning, she just had to be judgmental and jumped to conclusions that I was trying to bring her down. She just cannot bloody understand that not all concern are hypocritical. She just like to be on her guard all the time. -sighs- Troubled family waters. I have always thought a family should be understanding to one another, and help one another in whichever way possible. Another hypothetical thinking. I should wake up to this real world.

This world has been giving me the positive false hopes. It is actually cruel, ugly, filled with sorrows. Red alert for global warming, number of endangered animal species increasing day by day, sea waters being polluted by industrial wastes, animals hunted by illicit poachers... Isn't that obvious? Men are just selfish bastards. They can never stop being like that. That's the way God has created them to be. He created a planet, and created millions of selfish bastards to destroy it. A unsubstantial number of conservationalists to protect it. And then those selfish bastards would explore the other planets on the solar system in hope of thriving on there. They came, they shit, they didn't flush the toilet and went away.

And so... this is it. That's the way life is. Bitches and Bastards.







Have it?
Flaunt it!

closer.

great weekend... it is until what happened this morning.
why do i have to always behave like a spoilt cunt trying to stir trouble for my wonderful relationship with such a wonderful boy/man? i don't know. i guess I'm just dying for attention. great now.. cause, i haven't got any attention from him for the whole of today. i guess he's busy. real busy.

watched Tuesdays with Morrie on hallmark, closer (again) on HBO. i simply adore Morrie.. and the film closer. i wonder if they had got any plays on closer. all began when a novelist (Daniel) chanced upon a stripper (Alice, but her real name is Jane) from new york down London. i should say it's love at first sight. maybe lust at first sight. Natalie portman has gotten an angelic face. novelist was played by Jude law. HOT HOT HOT~ he has gotten that charm in his eyes. Jude law met a photographer, Anna (for guys who do not know how to pronounce this right, its fer-tor-gra-pher, not photo-grapher) played by Julia Roberts and he fell for her. again, sleazy words, flirts were exchanged. i seriously do not think they have gotten the right actress for the role of the photographer. but then again, i have no suggestion on who's the right candidate either. and so, Anna was set up by Daniel cause she rejected him after finding out that he was living with Alice. Daniel went on UK sex chat and flirted with a doctor (dermatologist) posing as Anna and asked to meet him up at The Aquarium.

Okay. guys go check out the movie. explicit content. cause the show's very real. just about love and sex and betrayal. not advisable for kids including those who still find sex gross, so i call you kids. for people who has gotten betrayed and does not have a open heart, stay away from it. for those who doesn't have a thinking brain, and some connections with arts, you would not understand. Check out the leading song as well. Damien Rice - The Blower's Daughter.

another Christmas. well i should say Christmas is good this year, as compared to last year's. oh, i should be far more better. my wonderful boyfriend actually planned a surprise dinner for me at this revolving restaurant near st James power station. urmm, actually that's one of my fave restaurant in Singapore. however the cuisine they have there is Chinese. kinda not very romantic for a Christmas dinner ain't it? anyway, i enjoyed it. i truly appreciate and enjoy the fact that he actually called up and make advanced reservations and asked for the window seats. Argh. -LOVE YOU LOTS BENNETT! I'm so sorry for the trouble i stirred this morning, please forgive me.- and so the christmas celebration ended with hot sessions of love-making. -winks-

love this year's christmas. too bad my beloved boy isnt gonna be able to step into the new year with me due to some military duty.



The place where scent of me lingers on still. Up till today.