I try to breathe the toxic out, inhaling the better ones, to keep myself alive and better. Every single morning, a moment for spacing out is inevitable; it's become habitual. I tried walking little steps, moving a bit further from what I don't wish to be, the person in the mirror looks horrible.

I have thousands of thoughts, questions and fantasies. I wonder what suggested the eventuality/birth of my cognitive landscape now. I see my life put on an abrupt halt, yet I know I am moving each single day. Everything which has once befallen on me remains mysteries which I cannot unfold and given patience enough, the time lapses did not even reveal the slightest clues. I do not understand most of the gists. I am blinded as for now. I can't see anything nor feel something. Would the light shine brightly for me again if I don't bother to seek at all? I have no idea.

I sleep beside the ghost of me every morning, wake up at noon, hating the sun but disliking the night. There's no point getting drunk, because a clear head is much needed to feel the pain anticipated within my realm that I have inflicted upon myself intentionally. I dropped smoking in order to inhale the better, and this is a hoax for myself, from myself.

I go out every night, sleep all day.

Listening to Stereophonics makes me a really depressed person.

I had a nap just now. I dreamt of Sheryl S. I haven't been in contact with her ever since the last time I saw her at zouk last year. And I dreamt of her. Surprise surprise.

I do not like to whine. And neither am I a good commiserator. I am a neophyte when it comes to consoles and showing sympathy, not that I don't empathise because I know I am sensitive. I must say, these past few months have slowly trained me into somewhat a person walking alongside with quietus when it comes to my emotions and feelings. I may be afraid to show, I may be afraid to trust anyone. The fact is, I don't think I trust anyone close to me. I find strangers more trustable which I share some of my slightly deeper thoughts with; they can't hurt me any way. They can't betray me because they will never be bothered to judge me. This same piece of sky we are all living under, should be a better place if no one is judgemental at all, where everyone sees everything with closed eyes, an open heart, and an open mind. Tell me that I am correct please.

I can't stand girls. I can't stand those rainy days' emotions flips, and tantrums thrown randomly. I feel so trapped in this house full of women, women with traditional and conventional thinking. So the loss of my iPod is a big trauma for me. I can no longer build my own world, with only myself and whoever that is singing, whatever melody that is ringing, whatever that makes utmost sense to me. I must say all men are subconscious sadists who enjoy chasing and inviting troubles. Not to say I ain't one, because I am worse than trouble. I am someone who's like you - men.

Which is why I wear jeans and converse sneakers. I need to get my job so that I can break free from whatever. And prove the world wrong, which includes those who claim relation and love. Understand that when you love someone, you would not speak intentional cynicism to bring him/her down. Words are scars made flesh. So think twice before those little noises flow out of at the corner of your carelessly drooping lips.

I miss Wenny though.

Last night was fun! Went out with Von and Dylan. It was my first time in my whole life trying to matchmake. We had pizza and some Italiano food at Pizzeria at CHJMES and I suggested hitting dbl o. I am so glad that we did instead of going down to le baroque because I was doing shuffling with muds all night long! Lol? The couple left me alone on the dancefloor and a few muds came over and we did our thang. So this fool here did Sean Paul's way of dancing when Temperature came on and crank that when Soulja Boy's Crank That came. Bwahah! I missed Fish so much. -/mews- Lovey lovey dancing! Haha. When the alcohol smacked in, I turned into an animal and made a fool outta myself. Hmmm...

Met some mortals with low intellectual trying to come up with flashy lines to impress. It was because Dylan acted a pimp and tried to pimp Von and I off. Wtf? So I gave one of the not-so-bright earthlings a sneer. Really quite that. And argh? No photos. I was having one of the cancerian days before the alcohol all kicked in. Pardon pardon.

My thoughts and emotions are all clustered up into Morse code once again, and it's nothing unusual, really. Dots, spaces and dashes. This state of confusion is what wrecked minds always got themselves into. Waddle on, Chrissy.

For someone whom I have heard alot but barely know. Because I know her, Wenny. I feel so angry towards you. But at the same time, I am grinning, gloating over the state you were in, you are gonna be in. This girl here, is going to give it to you good at last. And let them all hit you, bring you down to a complete loss. A complete loss of everything, all to none.

Karma does exist bastards out there. For those who weave and brag stories and spin lies, using the name of Love, sadly, you'd never attain the level you want to be seen on. If you are comfortable and ignorant of what pity plight you are in, I am sorry, I don't know what I can save you from. If you think you can jolly well make use of anyone who loves you wholeheartedly, take advantage of this emotion, go ahead and bathe yourself in your own sweet narcissistic and selfish fantasies. Love begets compromise, forgiveness, understanding and trust. There is no such thing as not meant to be, because that is what you chose to accept, that is what you chose to believe, that is your so called Faith. I may be blinded as for now, but I know one thing for sure, I made a choice. And when I made a choice, I know I want things to work out. And no matter how rocky and tedious the path ahead may seem, I know I stick to what I have made and I won't go back on it to make a complete fool out of myself by insulting my initial decision. This is my Faith.

Miserably, you have to be this way. You have told me the wonders of what we are able to create, put so much hopes for me to pin onto, yet chose to shatter each and single one of the dreams with your bare hands. Do your hands even reek of blood? No. Because it's my blood which was on my white tiled floor, it was my tears which I cried into every single night. You made me believe what I am capable of doing, yet when I realised I indeed am, you chose other glorious paths ahead of you. The one whom you used to chase, this same old chase, you target it at others. Everyone and anyone but not and never is going to be me. Is this a routine chore for you? Because I am saying now, you would never fathom the void you have left in my world. This very sentence I said to you that night to stay away from me because what I was left with were fragments of me. And you, just have to break me within these fragments I have got left. The void now seems larger. It's a black hole now. Caliginous enough for anyone to dwell. But no, I won't. Because... You are not worth it. No and never. And for you, I won't.

A part of me didn't die when you chose to let this go.

I died when me, myself am the world.

The notebook.

I hid under my computer table again. I knew clearly that my phone won't ring this time. And I watched the show for the third time. Touched by the Love, glad that you asked me to watch your favorite Love story of all time. I will eventually get close to you if I remain rooted on this spot and think. I still feel you.

Our love can create miracles.

Almost here.

Did I hear you right?
Cause I thought you said
Let's think it over
You have been my life
And I never planned
Growing old without you
Shadows bleeding through the light
Where the love once shined so bright
Came without a reason
Don't let go on us tonight
Love's not always black and white
Haven't I always loved you?

Bruised and battered by your words
Dazed and shattered, now it hurts
Haven't I always loved you?

If by staying miserable is the only way I could get closer to you, I'd live in it.

Stupid for you.

Let's dance little stranger

Show me secret sins

Love can be like bondage

Seduce me once again

Burning like an angel

Who has heaven in reprieve

Burning like the voodoo man

With devils on his sleeve

Won't you dance with me

In my world of fantasy

Won't you dance with me

Ritual fertility

Like an apparition

You don't seem real at all

Like a premonition

Of curses on my soul

The way I want to love you

Well it could be against the law

I've seen you in a thousand minds

You've made the angels fall

I say,

I'll dedicate Nouvelle Vague's Melt With You.

They're dancing in the rain.

I am so stupid for you.

/mew

Weekend runaway 12th - 14th January 2008.

We were crazy.

I said you'd never fathom.

I exchanged a hefty lot of smses today. I think it's impressive.

But unlike the previous time I made this statement, instead of feeling like I am such fortunate to have found him, I feel like Titanic. That night, that fateful night, I had blood rushed to my face, head ached, heaved a deep breath and made a choice; muttered Yes. I was skeptical. I was hurt, but yet I trust, I believe. How Time can prove difference... I guess I would never fathom how the ticking hands work, the changing fortunes of time. But I know hurt, pain and melancholy. I know my naiveness, my gulibility to be too trustful of others that I have to, time and time again, placed my happiness in the hands of the others'. My heart broke within fragments again and again. There's only a hollow box not knowing how and what to feel, just pumping blood, just keeping me breathing and alive. What was said, what was done, what had happened during this period and what had caused things to evolved to the way they are today? Perhaps God should have been kinder to me. To show me the hidden tragedies of everything that had been exchanged and conveyed before I caught myself all tied up in this web. I got out of it once, got lifted, thinking that there is, he might be, he most probably would be because he is ethereal, genuine, sincere and honourable. Yet... yet...

Are there still provocative arguments to the way we are today? If there is none, it means the end. A closure in which I do not wish to believe that it is there, because it's Faith you guided me to, it's Our Story you promised. I am no longer the light on the dark side of you because you chose to deny the light that I shine. I am not your rose which hits your gloom on your grey because you are no longer a greying tower alone on the sea. And the more you get of me, it doesn't feel stranger because you don't wish to choose me to be a growing addiction you can't deny. And this is irking you like tiny little poison molecules trying to burst themselves out through every running veins within your body, your soul. When you decided to throw everything away, did you even look back?

I want you to be my final tree. The final one I would seek shelter under and solace within because I believe you have whatever it takes to be superior albeit the difference in age: two years junior. The maturity I had thought you possessed, that you are wise enough to know what you are saying, what you were saying, what you are doing, what you had done. Time proves difference. I have yet again become a murder victim of the Time's homicide. I can't say you don't lie. Because whatever way you put it, whichever way words are going to be exchanged, it would just prove you did, you do, inevitably, one way or another.

Depths of bittersweet melancholy

why do we shed tears of sorrow,

albeit the knowledge we would be stronger,

days and days after tomorrow?

To be strong, we need to be selfish, perhaps narcissistic to some extent. To be always placing ourseleves amongst centers of others, to be always placing ourselves before others. We do not care nor worry about others' pain, nor the lonely nights they have to deal with alone. We would have our own flare and flamboyance with people to be concerned with. The way we want to portray ourselves to so many whom we wish to own for a momentary period of time, for a spur. The way we would want to talk, to attract the attention in order to fill up the voids of insecurities within. The attention gained somehow, brings us up to another level which we would eventually think, yes, this is real, the way I want to feel, the way I want to own who I wish to own, this is real. This is me.

"...for the world is full of trickery.But let this not blind you to what virtue there is...

...be yourself.

Especially, do not feign affection.

Neither be cynical about love;

for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment

it is as perennial as the grass."

-Max Ehrmann's Desiderata

Witho_t.

I could tell a million lies and it would come as no surprise.

I am guilty.

I have successfully made someone who loves and adores me, hates me.

And it's all because of my own wrongdoings.

Love does begets forgiveness.

But scars remain as an eternity.

I am sorry.

I could never forget the way you looked at me at MOS burger. Sitting just directly opposite.

Cliched from this song.

"You and me...

Everything she does is beautiful.

Everything she does is right."

Mortal love.

Tell me about it.

Somebody.

NY Avenue 5.

Firstly I would like to comment how small this world can get. Turns out both Wenny and I know Daric Su. Yes. We both have known him for years. Wtf? How advanced can networking get these days.

Love, meaning to care, to keep from harm, never to hurt, never to inflict pain on purpose for guilty pleasure, its main objective to create happiness and not to restrict it, or to destroy it. And that is why, regardless of problem, issue, regardless of what happens and what had been done, I always return to square one to tell you I love you. I always have, always will, because what I felt never changed. Accepting more does not mean you push further, it doesnt mean you push me to the brink, because there is none, because the boundary is me.

I never plan to inflict any manners of pain upon people that I love and if I really have to, you would be the last and you would always be the one, only right after I have cut myself. I wish to protect you. I want to protect you. You told me that if I scratch the walls of your palms, poison will ooze out to drown me slowly. So because of what you've said, I cut off my nails and make sure they are always trimmed. But I see plain me trying to perform a dance like a ballerina in the middle of your open palms, trying to stay buoyant on this sea of poison, struggling for gulps of breath to stay alive. I know I have to be on my own and to be too dependent on you emotionally is a big game of risks. I have no idea when would you plan to sink me right into the bottom of the deep cold ocean bed. I could really live forever in cold dark silence.

I can never stay angry with you for long. I reckon my anger with you could only last for minutes, the longest ever, I think was only two hours. After which, I would always find myself running back to you. As if I was the one who's in wrong. You commented that I have been trying too hard to show, shoving my way forcefully in, trying to show how earnest I am always. I really could have been a bitch and stayed angry forever until your words of mollify comes along. But I didn't. Because I don't want you to go through this. Everything that is happening to you is pain. And I feel your pain. I don't want you to have yet another pain of needing to placate me. And all that I am doing is because I love you, as simple as that. Perhaps if I could have been a little bit strong headed, you might just learn how to cherish me a little more. If I am a mosaic of 100 pieces, you are a hundredfold of mine. I could never chase, not because I am not trying hard enough, it's just that you don't wish to unlock the chains around my feet because you think I am trying too hard. I think this is how you are punishing me. Chrisma is a circus clown; no one cares about the face under the mask.

I am talking in riddles once again.

Our story is sadomasochistic. It's turning out to be more interesting than a sado porn flick. It's a sado mind flick. I wish there's some spoofs along your script, so that I can laugh a little instead of smacking myself with alcohol every night to sleep. I have alot of psychological problems with myself now. This is not an euphemism for every misconduct that I have had. And it's definitely not an excuse. I am a caffeine and nicotine addict. I do not wish to add another addiction to that unglamourous list. I feel neglected. And you feel more like a dream now.

Speaking of porn flicks, I do not understand why do 'they' say Japanese produce the best porn flicks. Firstly, it's always the girl(s) acting all coy and shy and polite. Secondly, Japanese men really have the smallest pricks like baby cucumbers that my guinea pigs really have a liking for. Thirdly, what the fuck is with the AV girls not shaving?! Who are 'they' anyway?

I am going to swim like a dolphin tomorrow and I can't wait.

I love this naughty boy so much till I am turning psychotic.

Bibulous affairs of the twilights.

For Aloysius T-

A journal stumbled on by chance of destiny hands this afternoon which got me hesitating and questioning my own level. The sinister downright despicable side of me had an utmost uncontrollable urge to flip and browse through pages which I have been wanting to do; a yearn for truth. I halted, excogitated the stoop of level I would be in if I had proceeded and decided to shut the ring notebook tight. And that I have a fetish for ring notebooks and designer boxes, which I have a collection of them. It was a suspiciously unintentional act. I do admit I had that deleterious thought, however, I am well aware of the level I am standing on now. I do not want to invade into anyone's privacy. Perhaps I was afraid to eye some words which I do not wish to see at all, which I pretty much think, most probably they would bring me down to a complete wreckage of rust. If there indeed were, truths and words of reality, I mean. Perhaps is the word, your pet phrase. Be angry if you must, but forgive me for I did put up a fight with myself.

A complete brought down to a complex of inferiority when I chanced upon a painstakingly made calendar which every bit of it was carefully and meticulously made with all the effort she could muster. I felt her heart. I could have done one of its kind too. I did one before, and I have done a thousand stiches of cross work. It was fear which is holding me back from giving everything that I am capable of doing for you. Maybe I am just not as confident as I used to be. Perhaps it didn't even cross my mind now that these works of effort could prove something valid and strong enough for emotional insides to stir and churn. Perhaps I am just selfish now that I want to have something in return, perhaps I can't do it unconditionally anymore. The recent episodes have their own validity of this factual fear that is striking hard on me all the time. And I really need you. My pleads of help call out to you, that I need assurance that everything is alright, even though I have no courage at all to design something worthy enough to be placed right next to the beautiful calendar. This feeling kills even now with the recollection of the beauteous work of art. I feel like a zero.

You peered out of the window, I looked at you within a distance not more than 5 metres. It happened. We both felt what we were feeling at that point of time when our eyes locked. With your arms placed lazily on the window ledge, chin resting upon, I saw everything in your eyes. I know you are there. I sensed and felt with my stark naked heart even when my vision was not exactly clear. We know what was exchanged for that spur of time. Only and just, us.

My dismay, my disappointment, I still find myself locked up from the inside of the rocks which were blocking the exit of my cave. This time around, a chain was firmly holding my feet. To escape, I would have to saw off my feet. My painfully chained legs are hurting with crimson colour blood all around my ankles. My mindset is now all full of drive to charge forward. I have the enough courage to pick myself up and sprint towards what I should be reaching. I disgust myself and I need to work this out now. And you happen to have the key to unlock the chain. If you would kindly do, after which, we should be removing those rocks together with what we both rightfully feel for each other deep inside, and await the warm rays of sunlight to be shone upon us. I can shine brighter with you holding my hands, after my escape that you would help out with. I know I can.

My love. It's a new year. A new beginning. We should embrace this fate thrown to us. And cherish it while we can. I do not wish you to be a rotten apple tree along my memory lane. Naively, I want you to be my final tree. You have all the fruits of knowledge, branches of wisdom and rustling leafs of love you are capable of offering, which I will always find myself to be hungry for. Though my mind isn't as ethereal as compared to yours, which is why, I told you, I never plan to outwin you. I just need you to teach and guide. I need you.

I need you.