I'm possibly by far the most unhappy person you'll ever met in life. This is not to be confused with the most unfortunate person you'll ever meet. I'm saying this because it really seems I have everything but at the end of each day as I lie awake doing nothing in bed, all I could ever daydream about is to have a life that's rid of commitments, feeling, heartstrings. I am constantly dreaming about being somewhere alone out there, be it the wilderness or in space, where I can do nothing but just being still.
Don't get me wrong. I am not a Hollywood celebrity where I'm required to put on a facade every day nor am I a teacher of any sort where it's important I set myself as a role model. I'm just your average singaporean girl who lives next door, a plain Jane with nothing much to brag about. You could easily say I am one of those faces you won't spot in a crowd.
It seems that no matter how hard I try to be content with what I'm doing, I'll never be thoroughly happy. Many so often, when I'm religiously and duly carrying out tasks at work, I find myself asking "what for?" Corporate life doesn't enthrall me, neither does societal status. And I can't fit in to the society because I don't really give a hood if you're a manager or a director, neither do I care about that of myself. And so, I'm perpetually on the embarkation of questioning my existence every day.
I wished I wasn't born this way. That I could be a tad normal. I know I am unhappy in life constantly. But what is it I'm seeking to be a happier person remains unclear.
Can I really let go of whatever I have now to live alone in the wild?
Sunday, November 30, 2014
Saturday, September 27, 2014
Crossroad
From the way this post is titled, I'm sure you with a good sense there, would have guessed that this post is about Boyz II Men's End of the Road song.
Nah, I'm kidding.
So in less than four months (that's right, not even half a year) I have once again met ANOTHER crossroad in my career. Which is pretty unlucky if you asked me but this is what I have to say...
FUCK.
Here's the story, I joined a local small start-up (even smaller than the one before the publishing big boy) and the deal was that I will be made a digital marketing pro in three months as they scale up in operations and blah blah in the later half of the year. Which I naively believe because I genuinely believe in the company and gave away 80% of my skepticism when I decided to put my signature down on the employment contract.
But wow, these past three months have been quite an eye-opener. As with any local startup, I went in with the mentality that I'm supposed to take on more than what I should and I was ready and up for it. But sadly, after about a month, I began to question whether there was any mentorship in place, training that was clearly fallen short of (I honestly didn't get briefed on the entire business strategy, operations and blah blah at all) and the existence of the light at the end of the tunnel.
In essence -- that's to say -- in about a month's time, I began to question myself and also, my initial judgement. Upon noticing this, I began walking into work every day with contempt and didn't actually look forward to it any more. Surprise, surprise. Just after one month.
But I sucked it up, and decided that I should be MORE proactive and take MORE initiative. So I requested for, an one-month check-in, a two-month check-in, weekly meetings with my boss and the rest of the team members, and also the department which I was supposedly to be working very closely with.
UNFORTUNATELY FOR ME, when end of September should have been my confirmation, I was asked to leave because:
1. They need someone with more experience who could act as the right brain of the team
2. My boss said it's not his capacity any more to train me
3. He said it's his failure
DAMN RIGHT IT IS.
Because I reckon I have:
1. Been honest about my lack of experience when I went for the interviews
2. Taken MORE initiative than anyone could have and determine my OWN JD, role, and responsibility
3. Requested for check-ins so as to find out about my progress and whether I've been measuring up to my expectations
4. Chaired meetings so as to promote transparency among the team
One thing here which I must mention is that maybe they find me a snob/stuck up/anti-social/introverted at work and I didn't fit in the culture. Because as I was weeping over this failed initial judgement of mine in front of my boss when he broke the news to me the other day, I asked him whether was there a possibility of me moving lateral across (for also formality's sake) and he answered no. This, I concluded that my existence in the co. wasn't welcomed at all and that they want to let me go completely.
Here's the story why I could have been portraying myself as a snob/stuck up/anti-social/introverted:
1. I am really bad at small talks
2. When I work, I work
3. Don't expect me to come to you with cookies cause I can't bake
4. I don't carry balls too
One thing for sure is that, in my previous employment, in all the roles that I had undertaken, NO ONE ever told me that I shouldn't pass my probation period. And let alone, ask me to leave.
On the contrary, I have always been receiving nothing but good appraisals from all my previous bosses. Just fucking ask.
Nah, I'm kidding.
So in less than four months (that's right, not even half a year) I have once again met ANOTHER crossroad in my career. Which is pretty unlucky if you asked me but this is what I have to say...
FUCK.
Here's the story, I joined a local small start-up (even smaller than the one before the publishing big boy) and the deal was that I will be made a digital marketing pro in three months as they scale up in operations and blah blah in the later half of the year. Which I naively believe because I genuinely believe in the company and gave away 80% of my skepticism when I decided to put my signature down on the employment contract.
But wow, these past three months have been quite an eye-opener. As with any local startup, I went in with the mentality that I'm supposed to take on more than what I should and I was ready and up for it. But sadly, after about a month, I began to question whether there was any mentorship in place, training that was clearly fallen short of (I honestly didn't get briefed on the entire business strategy, operations and blah blah at all) and the existence of the light at the end of the tunnel.
In essence -- that's to say -- in about a month's time, I began to question myself and also, my initial judgement. Upon noticing this, I began walking into work every day with contempt and didn't actually look forward to it any more. Surprise, surprise. Just after one month.
But I sucked it up, and decided that I should be MORE proactive and take MORE initiative. So I requested for, an one-month check-in, a two-month check-in, weekly meetings with my boss and the rest of the team members, and also the department which I was supposedly to be working very closely with.
UNFORTUNATELY FOR ME, when end of September should have been my confirmation, I was asked to leave because:
1. They need someone with more experience who could act as the right brain of the team
2. My boss said it's not his capacity any more to train me
3. He said it's his failure
DAMN RIGHT IT IS.
Because I reckon I have:
1. Been honest about my lack of experience when I went for the interviews
2. Taken MORE initiative than anyone could have and determine my OWN JD, role, and responsibility
3. Requested for check-ins so as to find out about my progress and whether I've been measuring up to my expectations
4. Chaired meetings so as to promote transparency among the team
One thing here which I must mention is that maybe they find me a snob/stuck up/anti-social/introverted at work and I didn't fit in the culture. Because as I was weeping over this failed initial judgement of mine in front of my boss when he broke the news to me the other day, I asked him whether was there a possibility of me moving lateral across (for also formality's sake) and he answered no. This, I concluded that my existence in the co. wasn't welcomed at all and that they want to let me go completely.
Here's the story why I could have been portraying myself as a snob/stuck up/anti-social/introverted:
1. I am really bad at small talks
2. When I work, I work
3. Don't expect me to come to you with cookies cause I can't bake
4. I don't carry balls too
One thing for sure is that, in my previous employment, in all the roles that I had undertaken, NO ONE ever told me that I shouldn't pass my probation period. And let alone, ask me to leave.
On the contrary, I have always been receiving nothing but good appraisals from all my previous bosses. Just fucking ask.
Thursday, September 18, 2014
ISIS: I SEE IT SUCKS
I would like to express my deepest condolence toward the families of the victims of the (shitty and absolutely lame) ISIS drama. You have my deepest sympathy. Your son, brother, husband or father didn't have to go through this way of passing.
Those who are committing heinous crimes in the name of YOUR GOD, stop it. You're just plain evil and are using God's name to be evil. Just admit that you're plain downright evil and inhuman. Don't use God's name. Fuckers.
Why hide behind masks anyway if you're so wanting the world to watch how you behead people? Those people you beheaded are decent people. The world doesn't need people like YOU. You're no different from Hitler except that he came out and faced the world without hiding behind masks. He had balls and you have none.
You're nothing but a speck of dust. Hitler made it to history but what will you become in the future?
And to the number of people flying over just so you can be involved in terrorism in the name of God (I reiterate), you guys fit very well into the equation that I've done up for a segment of people that I have encountered a lot in my life:
IQ Less Than 100 = Easily Brainwashed
You're dumb cause you don't have a mind of your own because if you do, you wouldn't have been convinced to join in the terrorism demonstration.
If you wish to argue that you're not dumb, then you must be intelligent I believe? Like the female British medical student who flew all the way there just to behead someone and tweeted about it with a photo saying, "dream job, a terrorist doc"? Her Twitter account has been suspended so how smart can she be? I don't know if she's really a she (as she's hiding behind the costume) but I don't know any woman who has such an evil and warped heart. The only female who I've ever known to have such a bad personality was my late hamster who I named Nunu. She ate her babies.
To the British medial student who's reading this: I don't know why your parents spent that kind of money on you. If only they had spent that kind of money on my education, I will be your school principal and expel you from school. Or I'll be your rich classmate who will rally up a few mates to cyber bully you until you take your own life had I long known that you're going to partake in such activity and threw your entire life out the window.
You're an absolute disgrace to the education system, women and the entire England.
So if you're insisting that you're somewhat intelligent like the medical student and really think you haven't been brainwashed into joining terrorism, you must be plain evil.
You need to be ashamed of yourself. And think of cockroaches. They are better than you.
Sunday, August 3, 2014
August 3 2014
I had this sudden urge to pen something and so here I am.
Checking the work email, I realized I had used the same password as the one I had before I left Wiley. A flash of memory bolted through, I thought things would be so much better if I had Kenneth, Natra, Req... basically the usual lunch clique for Monday to Friday. It's amazing how colleagues play a part in your well-being.
I wanted to talk about Carl. I think I should. Lest one day I forget.
One year ago, I met Carl. A 34 year old who was in between jobs at the time. We started hanging out as friends but things got slightly serious as time passes. I wouldn't go into the nitty gritty details because at age 29, I find them rather meaningless. However, I will never forget the first time we met, the days where we were getting to know each other and the feeling that was evoked. I can still remember the feeling vividly now. It's wasn't the thrill of knowing someone new. If I have been right all along, it was the feeling of knowing someone who you've known all your life.
Time proves me right. A year later, I am still discovering more about this person who I feel I've known all my life. And I'm not getting bored. We're not getting bored. I hope we will never be.
I never needed to pretend or say things I don't mean. From the day we met, I have been myself and haven't been afraid to be. I used to think that something was wrong with me because of the endless fights I used to have with Benjamin... But it turns out, nothing was wrong with me. Perhaps nothing was wrong with Ben too... We were just wrong.
If we were, then it'll further prove that Carl and I were right. Or maybe Carl is really an easy-going person who puts up with me.
Last night, I thought he was on the onset of dating another person or having met someone new. I unintentionally saw a message notification and saw that he dismissed it without even wanting to respond to that message. I got disturbed and decided to turn in. The feeling was hard to swallow and with the company of the ongoing in my life now, tears began welling up my eyes and before I knew it, I was sniffling. Carl got worked up after I asked him who it was. Having explained that it was just a friend, I didn't budge and turn my back to face him. When he heard the sniffles, he lunged himself behind me and took me in his arms. What followed was a string of placate that I've never known he was capable of doing. That moment, I felt that he loves me.
"I'm here baby. I'm not going anywhere. Don't cry."
Today at MUJI, I asked him the same set of questions again -- if he's met someone new, on the onset of seeing someone and do I make him happy. I must say what happened after took me by surprise for I've never known Carl to be this way. Instead of getting frustrated with girl insecurities and paranoia, he pulled me close and kissed me. Then he went on to answer me no and yes. No to the first two questions and yes, of course to the latter.
"Of course you make me happy."
People say time erases things -- all things. Feelings, memories, passion and watercolours. What I feel is that if two persons are meant to make things right, they will only get better. For Carl and I, we've had our downs no doubt -- there were times where we almost call it quits because if you're not already aware, he doesn't love me. He didn't love me when I start loving him and until now, he hasn't told me he loves me. I am not pinning that he will but of course, I hope he will one day. Right now at this moment, even when he doesn't love me, he makes me feel I'm the most fortunate person around in this world, I'm spoiled and cared for by him as his girl. And whether or not he loves me, I don't really think it matters now.
A year has passed and my heart beats for him fiercer than before. If this feeling he making me feel -- that I am the luckiest girl on earth -- is here even when he doesn't love me, maybe I'll dance and prance in the milky way when one day he finally says he loves me.
One day when it happens, I might cry. No. I'm sure I will cry.
Saturday, July 5, 2014
Very Brand New.
I realized I used to be a lost ship.
I didn't really fancy doing anything for myself, chasing what I want and making myself become a better person. I was constantly waiting for something to happen to me. Or should I say, I was waiting for a break. A lucky break.
Then it came.
Quit the publishing job to join a digital marketing agency and left in two days, I would have incurred a substantial amount of severance package of about 10k had I stayed in Wiley and waited for them to retrench me instead. That money is not a small sum and I wonder if I'll ever see such a sum in my life. Joining the digital marketing agency was a big mistake. That until today, I still feel bile at the back of my throat thinking about the place and its people.
I was out of job for about three weeks and almost slipped into a depressed funk but then my lucky break came.I cannot reiterate how grateful I am to my present company, my boss and my CEO for wanting to hire and groom me -- at a reasonable salary which will then be adjusted again upon my probation. Money aside. Think about how decent beings they are for not wanting to short change you even though you don't have relevant experience. I know that is what most companies do. But they didn't. And the amount of time and effort grooming me and helping me learn my ropes, it's simply priceless. Thinking about this, I feel really bad and I'm evermore determined to work harder and give more than I had possibly given to any organization.[Edited on 27 September 2014: No. It's all a fucking lie that was spun and I had been duped]
The career department seems in place now. So let's talk about myself.
I am starting to feel that I'm becoming a more attractive person. As in, I haven't really lost a lot of weight and my skin condition hasn't really gone back to the way it was but I do feel this sense of power coming from within. It's a type of confidence I've never experienced before. I think it has a lot to do with the fact that I finally saw light at the end of the tunnel. Finally it's linear.
And I'm seeing the most wonderful person I've ever met in my entire life for about 11 months who always makes time for me, makes me laugh, cares about me, talks to me, listens to me and makes an effort to make me happy; who is also, very charming, kind, humourous, surprising, generous, gentle, gives me solid advice and suggestions when it comes to my career and has a solid career of his own. Where on earth will I ever find someone like that again?
I am a seriously happy person now. Contented, fulfilled and just smiling, working, reading, dieting and eating all the time now.
I didn't really fancy doing anything for myself, chasing what I want and making myself become a better person. I was constantly waiting for something to happen to me. Or should I say, I was waiting for a break. A lucky break.
Then it came.
Quit the publishing job to join a digital marketing agency and left in two days, I would have incurred a substantial amount of severance package of about 10k had I stayed in Wiley and waited for them to retrench me instead. That money is not a small sum and I wonder if I'll ever see such a sum in my life. Joining the digital marketing agency was a big mistake. That until today, I still feel bile at the back of my throat thinking about the place and its people.
I was out of job for about three weeks and almost slipped into a depressed funk but then my lucky break came.
The career department seems in place now. So let's talk about myself.
I am starting to feel that I'm becoming a more attractive person. As in, I haven't really lost a lot of weight and my skin condition hasn't really gone back to the way it was but I do feel this sense of power coming from within. It's a type of confidence I've never experienced before. I think it has a lot to do with the fact that I finally saw light at the end of the tunnel. Finally it's linear.
And I'm seeing the most wonderful person I've ever met in my entire life for about 11 months who always makes time for me, makes me laugh, cares about me, talks to me, listens to me and makes an effort to make me happy; who is also, very charming, kind, humourous, surprising, generous, gentle, gives me solid advice and suggestions when it comes to my career and has a solid career of his own. Where on earth will I ever find someone like that again?
I am a seriously happy person now. Contented, fulfilled and just smiling, working, reading, dieting and eating all the time now.
Sunday, June 22, 2014
Tuesday, June 17, 2014
The world today is such a confusing place to be in. When we were younger, we were told to work towards the things we want in life -- to have the go-getter attitude. Because of this, and that everyone else is doing it, we slip into this same pattern where in we visualize the person we want to be and start working towards it.
Firstly, it was studies. It was a standard that having As for all your papers is the only way to go. As a result, we slogged our ways out burning midnight oil, missed our favourite TV shows, missed a family birthday celebration, missed a trip out with friends just because it was told to us by everyone around us -- the society.
And then we graduate and dive into the society. And the same cycle repeats itself again. We missed the things that are important to us just because we were too busy being the person we have visualized we will be. It's an irony. It doesn't make sense to me. Being the person we want to be is important, and yet these occasions are important too. Life is a great balancing act because it is always lop-sided in some ways.
And the society once again came into play when it comes to relationships. We were told that this and that should be the way. We were convinced by media that love should be this way. As a result once again, we visualize the love we want to have and then measure up everyone who comes along against the ideal. We visualize the person who we want to be when in love and start acting it resulting in we forgetting to receive what we receive. We keep demanding for more because things don't go as expected -- the ideal that we have. Then you start asking yourself why you are miserable and that nothing ever seems enough. You keep asking yourself this question throughout adulthood and along the way, you lost so much of your innocence.
On one fine afternoon, the song by Colin Raye came on. I was asked if the song was depressing to be a wedding song.
"No. It's a very sweet song."
Firstly, it was studies. It was a standard that having As for all your papers is the only way to go. As a result, we slogged our ways out burning midnight oil, missed our favourite TV shows, missed a family birthday celebration, missed a trip out with friends just because it was told to us by everyone around us -- the society.
And then we graduate and dive into the society. And the same cycle repeats itself again. We missed the things that are important to us just because we were too busy being the person we have visualized we will be. It's an irony. It doesn't make sense to me. Being the person we want to be is important, and yet these occasions are important too. Life is a great balancing act because it is always lop-sided in some ways.
And the society once again came into play when it comes to relationships. We were told that this and that should be the way. We were convinced by media that love should be this way. As a result once again, we visualize the love we want to have and then measure up everyone who comes along against the ideal. We visualize the person who we want to be when in love and start acting it resulting in we forgetting to receive what we receive. We keep demanding for more because things don't go as expected -- the ideal that we have. Then you start asking yourself why you are miserable and that nothing ever seems enough. You keep asking yourself this question throughout adulthood and along the way, you lost so much of your innocence.
On one fine afternoon, the song by Colin Raye came on. I was asked if the song was depressing to be a wedding song.
"No. It's a very sweet song."
Wednesday, June 11, 2014
Monday, June 9, 2014
Fault in our Stars
The soundtrack is great. The Fault in our Stars that is. I am looking for a wishlist I can do up to include the books I need to read. This is on top of my list and it's very unfortunate that I'm very broke now. I can't even buy the book. If there's any good people out there, please buy me a gift-card on booksdepository.com. State your name and I shall return the favour one day. Nothing sexual of course.
I am broke and it's soon I'll dive into my first pool of debts. The very first time. I just told the girls, PW and XX that I have no money for Macadeedees and PW said she's going to pay for my meal. How much I owe PW & WM the couple? A lot. True friends in a true story.
I've once again, come to another crossroad in life. Left the publishing big boy and tried to join an agency. For you all haters out there who had told me that life in an agency is hard and that I won't be able to take it cause you were jealous that I seemingly got myself a better job, you can gloat now. Laugh at me all you want for I've sacked the boss -- the cruel and almost inhumane boss. Spoke to my family and close friends about it and they were all supportive of my decision. Because they know me well. That I value a healthy balance in life -- that I am not my work and my work does not define who I am. I am a true artist. I don't work well in this race the rats run. I function at will and I am the most brilliant when I am left to roam and explore.
That is why I have decided that I will attempt to finish the story that I've started writing. I might name it A Novel in 30 Days. But first, I need to find the most conducive environment to do so. With plenty of time on hand, I might go to the National Library tomorrow. I had initially thought of the beach. But they don't have a power point there I can use.
So, I have been spending my time well, getting busy with my sister's wedding preparations. Which I didn't do much actually except to be in charge of the AV (I told everyone I was the Adult Video I/C), making sure my Dad doesn't disappear too frequently to smoke, playing host to relatives who I hardly see who I don't really care if they just have a kid or cancer, letting them sing compliments that they don't mean, engage them in conversations that don't matter and you know the rest. These events disgust me. I mean it's great to see everyone alive and kicking. But I don't comprehend the idea of getting together for that few hours, talk as if we're best friends and simply forget about each other when we wake the next day. It doesn't make sense right? What's worst, is that you know how some of them have a vicious tongue. The perfect put-downs, the sarcasm, the green with envy tone in their words... oh my god, give me a break already. I have just recently got rid of the toxic people in my life.
The wedding day was emotional for me having to see my sister getting married and starting a new life altogether. There were moments of self-reflection, definitely more than the usual. For even in the eyes of my own, I am still behaving like a little child. Perhaps a wild one just that I don't sleep around. And I'm worried most of the time that I might never grow up to be a woman, a wife and a mother.
I think my life is a joke. I look at the sky sometimes at night and wonder why I'm being left here in this concrete jungle. Life might be better for me if I'm born a tribal woman in Amazon. I have no skills. The only thing I'm capable of is to dream. And whilst I am capable of that, I tried so many times to pen these dreams down in words. Alas, I'm not a linguist too. The idea here now, is that if I'm born a tribal woman in Amazon, I might pick up hunting skills, cooking skills, milking skills, foraging skills and the likes.
This sounds like I'm spiralling into a depressed funk (note that I really love this catchy phrase a lot) but I've never been so calm and composed for years. I love waking up in the morning now, breathing in the fresh air and appreciating the beauty that mornings bring. I love listening to the birds chirp even when it's actually crows loudly croaking away.
I am broke and it's soon I'll dive into my first pool of debts. The very first time. I just told the girls, PW and XX that I have no money for Macadeedees and PW said she's going to pay for my meal. How much I owe PW & WM the couple? A lot. True friends in a true story.
I've once again, come to another crossroad in life. Left the publishing big boy and tried to join an agency. For you all haters out there who had told me that life in an agency is hard and that I won't be able to take it cause you were jealous that I seemingly got myself a better job, you can gloat now. Laugh at me all you want for I've sacked the boss -- the cruel and almost inhumane boss. Spoke to my family and close friends about it and they were all supportive of my decision. Because they know me well. That I value a healthy balance in life -- that I am not my work and my work does not define who I am. I am a true artist. I don't work well in this race the rats run. I function at will and I am the most brilliant when I am left to roam and explore.
That is why I have decided that I will attempt to finish the story that I've started writing. I might name it A Novel in 30 Days. But first, I need to find the most conducive environment to do so. With plenty of time on hand, I might go to the National Library tomorrow. I had initially thought of the beach. But they don't have a power point there I can use.
So, I have been spending my time well, getting busy with my sister's wedding preparations. Which I didn't do much actually except to be in charge of the AV (I told everyone I was the Adult Video I/C), making sure my Dad doesn't disappear too frequently to smoke, playing host to relatives who I hardly see who I don't really care if they just have a kid or cancer, letting them sing compliments that they don't mean, engage them in conversations that don't matter and you know the rest. These events disgust me. I mean it's great to see everyone alive and kicking. But I don't comprehend the idea of getting together for that few hours, talk as if we're best friends and simply forget about each other when we wake the next day. It doesn't make sense right? What's worst, is that you know how some of them have a vicious tongue. The perfect put-downs, the sarcasm, the green with envy tone in their words... oh my god, give me a break already. I have just recently got rid of the toxic people in my life.
The wedding day was emotional for me having to see my sister getting married and starting a new life altogether. There were moments of self-reflection, definitely more than the usual. For even in the eyes of my own, I am still behaving like a little child. Perhaps a wild one just that I don't sleep around. And I'm worried most of the time that I might never grow up to be a woman, a wife and a mother.
I think my life is a joke. I look at the sky sometimes at night and wonder why I'm being left here in this concrete jungle. Life might be better for me if I'm born a tribal woman in Amazon. I have no skills. The only thing I'm capable of is to dream. And whilst I am capable of that, I tried so many times to pen these dreams down in words. Alas, I'm not a linguist too. The idea here now, is that if I'm born a tribal woman in Amazon, I might pick up hunting skills, cooking skills, milking skills, foraging skills and the likes.
This sounds like I'm spiralling into a depressed funk (note that I really love this catchy phrase a lot) but I've never been so calm and composed for years. I love waking up in the morning now, breathing in the fresh air and appreciating the beauty that mornings bring. I love listening to the birds chirp even when it's actually crows loudly croaking away.
Monday, May 12, 2014
Everlong
I want to blabber nonsense. It's just one of those days. Foo Fighters' Everlong planted this urge in me, bringing forth an impetus to want to run, go all out, scream and shout and say " Ha! I'll live forever!"
So back in my mind today at work, I daydreamed about myself running alongside time, chasing every possibilities, every thing it has in store for me. It's like a race with time. A race that I know that eventually I'll be outran. But still, I want to keep running. Just run and run. Run.
While I was proof-reading, I jammed in my head -- a moment I was the bassist and a while later I was the drummer. Hitting my feet real hard on the ground, I had regretted not having worn my very worn black converse. Still, I couldn't help but to dream that I was in a band, I was having a million fans. I was their God. I was who they look up to, I was everything they want to be.
I want to fucking get lost.
So back in my mind today at work, I daydreamed about myself running alongside time, chasing every possibilities, every thing it has in store for me. It's like a race with time. A race that I know that eventually I'll be outran. But still, I want to keep running. Just run and run. Run.
While I was proof-reading, I jammed in my head -- a moment I was the bassist and a while later I was the drummer. Hitting my feet real hard on the ground, I had regretted not having worn my very worn black converse. Still, I couldn't help but to dream that I was in a band, I was having a million fans. I was their God. I was who they look up to, I was everything they want to be.
I want to fucking get lost.
Monday, April 28, 2014
I find it seemingly impossible to comprehend whatever has gone on in the past week. Last week this time, I was on cloud nine thinking about the victorious moment when I walk into my boss's office and sack myself. This time this week, I just don't know what to feel.
It turns out, that if I hadn't tendered my resignation earlier, I would have been retrenched. Yes, at age 29. It was a close shave that I had given him my resignation letter just thirty minutes before the retrenchment news was announced. I was spared the humiliation but wasn't spared the shock. The world took a drastic turn causing chaos sending people running all about. I witnessed all my colleagues who had once thought that they could launch a career chase at my present employer (an MNC) broke down. The news was hard to swallow, so hard that I have to wake up every day to remind myself this.
We all know that print publishing is a sunset industry and it is only a matter of time that print gets completely wiped out. Searching for experience, I found myself caught in my first ever retrenchment exercise in real time. There was no prior encounter to help myself deal with such ordeal and I recalled vividly what my lecturer had said before about the volatility of business. That is, if you happen to be the bigger boy in a specific industry, your business will be largely affected in accordance with the volatility of the industry. If the industry is not making money, your business will lose a lot of money. Taking in the fixed costs that are already in place which you cannot do away with, that's where all your money goes to. So, as I've mentioned before that I'm presently working at an MNC, it's of little wonder why they had taken on such a huge pivotal shift in their business model and why it's no wonder at all that they decided to make our positions redundant -- we are the fixed costs that have been eating into the revenue. From a business's vantage point and on hindsight, what could have happened way earlier was that the business realized the need to change when the first iPad/Kindle was launched and acquired digital media companies. Not only will this move provide the company with the upper hand to govern how electronic books are being produced but too, it could have provided its employees (assets) with new skills that could have been utilized in the digital direction that the company will be undertaking. Over the last decade, print sales have significantly plummeted due to the influx of consumers' needs for digital media. Everything has to happen in a snap of a finger. No one goes to the library any more. No one has the time and Google is the king of all kings. Traditional marketing is being challenged by digital marketing and brand management being challenged by real-time consumer engagement.
I have nothing to lose amongst everyone around me at this moment because I happen to be the lucky one to have found another job before this exercise was carried out (God, thank you once again). So I'm now counting down to the day where I leave the big and spacious office that is nevertheless hauntingly quiet. So quiet that it reminds me of a morgue that's an absolute vacuum of life. I am sure I won't miss the place but I will miss my colleagues without a doubt. They happen to be one of the purest souls I've met, sans hypocrisy and reeking of innocence from head to toe. When this happen to people who have a heart of gold, it saddens me a lot. It does. Screw the cruelty of the real world. Screw you for dampening the charging spirits of these people. Now they are all scarred.
Why do bad things happen to good people? And guys, if yours truly can give yall a piece of advice, go equipped yourself with digital knowledge please. And forget all you learnt in school about traditional marketing, branding, advertising, human resource management, business development and so on. Read all you can on the new age media and hipster way to run a business. If you're working with old traditional fucks, run before they bring you down along with them as they sink.
There is a fucking reason why all the big companies are all selling digital right?
It turns out, that if I hadn't tendered my resignation earlier, I would have been retrenched. Yes, at age 29. It was a close shave that I had given him my resignation letter just thirty minutes before the retrenchment news was announced. I was spared the humiliation but wasn't spared the shock. The world took a drastic turn causing chaos sending people running all about. I witnessed all my colleagues who had once thought that they could launch a career chase at my present employer (an MNC) broke down. The news was hard to swallow, so hard that I have to wake up every day to remind myself this.
We all know that print publishing is a sunset industry and it is only a matter of time that print gets completely wiped out. Searching for experience, I found myself caught in my first ever retrenchment exercise in real time. There was no prior encounter to help myself deal with such ordeal and I recalled vividly what my lecturer had said before about the volatility of business. That is, if you happen to be the bigger boy in a specific industry, your business will be largely affected in accordance with the volatility of the industry. If the industry is not making money, your business will lose a lot of money. Taking in the fixed costs that are already in place which you cannot do away with, that's where all your money goes to. So, as I've mentioned before that I'm presently working at an MNC, it's of little wonder why they had taken on such a huge pivotal shift in their business model and why it's no wonder at all that they decided to make our positions redundant -- we are the fixed costs that have been eating into the revenue. From a business's vantage point and on hindsight, what could have happened way earlier was that the business realized the need to change when the first iPad/Kindle was launched and acquired digital media companies. Not only will this move provide the company with the upper hand to govern how electronic books are being produced but too, it could have provided its employees (assets) with new skills that could have been utilized in the digital direction that the company will be undertaking. Over the last decade, print sales have significantly plummeted due to the influx of consumers' needs for digital media. Everything has to happen in a snap of a finger. No one goes to the library any more. No one has the time and Google is the king of all kings. Traditional marketing is being challenged by digital marketing and brand management being challenged by real-time consumer engagement.
I have nothing to lose amongst everyone around me at this moment because I happen to be the lucky one to have found another job before this exercise was carried out (God, thank you once again). So I'm now counting down to the day where I leave the big and spacious office that is nevertheless hauntingly quiet. So quiet that it reminds me of a morgue that's an absolute vacuum of life. I am sure I won't miss the place but I will miss my colleagues without a doubt. They happen to be one of the purest souls I've met, sans hypocrisy and reeking of innocence from head to toe. When this happen to people who have a heart of gold, it saddens me a lot. It does. Screw the cruelty of the real world. Screw you for dampening the charging spirits of these people. Now they are all scarred.
Why do bad things happen to good people? And guys, if yours truly can give yall a piece of advice, go equipped yourself with digital knowledge please. And forget all you learnt in school about traditional marketing, branding, advertising, human resource management, business development and so on. Read all you can on the new age media and hipster way to run a business. If you're working with old traditional fucks, run before they bring you down along with them as they sink.
There is a fucking reason why all the big companies are all selling digital right?
Saturday, April 19, 2014
Sleep Induction. Relaxation. Alcohol. Smoke.
As I looked upon the empty ashtray, I recalled the promise I made to myself to never smoke. Knowing this, I lit up another stick with guilt pricking on my conscience. I needed to think and to sort out a lot on my mind and cigarettes, alcohol and sleep induction pills happen to my only aid to help achieve this.
I don't know what to feel/do anymore. Thus, I had to resort to this means. And it's not I'm an alcoholic, it's not I'm a druggie. I just have to do this.
I can turn a blind eye on what's happening around me that's landed us to this situation we are in now. With each passing day, I feel I'm losing myself. I'm slipping away bit by bit. When you asked if I'm alright, if I said no, will it make things better. No it won't. Nothing is the same anymore. Everything has spoken, words have been exchanged. Ideas conveyed, and emotions expressed. Rage, sadness, happiness all fell into a salad bowl. Top it off with thousand island dressing, you get a mash up of everything. And you get a dish that doesn't make any sense.
Engulfed in emotions that are crashing on myself like merciless raging waves, I had no one to turn to to address my pain. I have no one. I don't wish to listen to negative input, deep inside me I long for an angel to sprinkle fairy dust of hope and faith. But there is none. I have only myself. Myself.
The way I have been all along.
How do I get through this? I have no idea how to anymore. Facts remain as facts. We can't alter the truth. We can't undo the hurt. We can't go back to where we were in the past.
I yearn to be lost in the dark. I want to get lost in the woods where I can be on my own. Then maybe, maybe my superman will come rescue me. And give me a miraculous dash of hope. Maybe.
For now, all I know is that I want to run away. I want to hide and be alone. To grieve over what had been, what hadn't been and what should have been.
Nothing works the way I want them to. And the saddest thing anyone has to go through, is a world without hope.
I don't know what to feel/do anymore. Thus, I had to resort to this means. And it's not I'm an alcoholic, it's not I'm a druggie. I just have to do this.
I can turn a blind eye on what's happening around me that's landed us to this situation we are in now. With each passing day, I feel I'm losing myself. I'm slipping away bit by bit. When you asked if I'm alright, if I said no, will it make things better. No it won't. Nothing is the same anymore. Everything has spoken, words have been exchanged. Ideas conveyed, and emotions expressed. Rage, sadness, happiness all fell into a salad bowl. Top it off with thousand island dressing, you get a mash up of everything. And you get a dish that doesn't make any sense.
Engulfed in emotions that are crashing on myself like merciless raging waves, I had no one to turn to to address my pain. I have no one. I don't wish to listen to negative input, deep inside me I long for an angel to sprinkle fairy dust of hope and faith. But there is none. I have only myself. Myself.
The way I have been all along.
How do I get through this? I have no idea how to anymore. Facts remain as facts. We can't alter the truth. We can't undo the hurt. We can't go back to where we were in the past.
I yearn to be lost in the dark. I want to get lost in the woods where I can be on my own. Then maybe, maybe my superman will come rescue me. And give me a miraculous dash of hope. Maybe.
For now, all I know is that I want to run away. I want to hide and be alone. To grieve over what had been, what hadn't been and what should have been.
Nothing works the way I want them to. And the saddest thing anyone has to go through, is a world without hope.
Saturday, April 5, 2014
Not Love Perhaps
This is not Love, perhaps,
Love that lays down its life,
that many waters cannot quench,
nor the floods drown,
But something written in lighter ink,
said in a lower tone, something, perhaps, especially our own.
A need, at times, to be together and talk,
And then the finding we can walk
More firmly through dark narrow places,
And meet more easily nightmare faces;
A need to reach out, sometimes, hand to hand,
And then find Earth less like an alien land;
A need for alliance to defeat
The whisperers at the corner of the street.
A need for inns on roads, islands in seas,
Halts for discoveries to be shared,
Maps checked, notes compared;
A need, at times, of each for each,
Direct as the need of throat and tongue for speech.
Arthur Seymour John Tessimond
This is not Love, perhaps,
Love that lays down its life,
that many waters cannot quench,
nor the floods drown,
But something written in lighter ink,
said in a lower tone, something, perhaps, especially our own.
A need, at times, to be together and talk,
And then the finding we can walk
More firmly through dark narrow places,
And meet more easily nightmare faces;
A need to reach out, sometimes, hand to hand,
And then find Earth less like an alien land;
A need for alliance to defeat
The whisperers at the corner of the street.
A need for inns on roads, islands in seas,
Halts for discoveries to be shared,
Maps checked, notes compared;
A need, at times, of each for each,
Direct as the need of throat and tongue for speech.
Love that lays down its life,
that many waters cannot quench,
nor the floods drown,
But something written in lighter ink,
said in a lower tone, something, perhaps, especially our own.
A need, at times, to be together and talk,
And then the finding we can walk
More firmly through dark narrow places,
And meet more easily nightmare faces;
A need to reach out, sometimes, hand to hand,
And then find Earth less like an alien land;
A need for alliance to defeat
The whisperers at the corner of the street.
A need for inns on roads, islands in seas,
Halts for discoveries to be shared,
Maps checked, notes compared;
A need, at times, of each for each,
Direct as the need of throat and tongue for speech.
Arthur Seymour John Tessimond
Thursday, February 6, 2014
Tuesday, February 4, 2014
I like to keep things to myself. To be exact, I like to keep things that sadden me to myself. I don't see a point in telling anyone about it. It might be true that you'll feel better after telling someone about it. But more than often, anyone outside the circle of involvement won't be able to fully grasp the depth of what you are saying or whatever you are saying at all. So I've learnt to keep things to myself.
The past two days have been a turmoil. It has caused the both of us distress. We've cried in each other's arms and we've expressed our fear in losing each other. We do care for each other and we're always happy together. Our times together consist nothing short of laughter, fun and love. Sadly, the love that I had thought it was, wasn't it after all.
I thought whatever I was left with when I met you died and I wanted so much to right things. I don't know how. I really want to take your hand and run away to somewhere where there's only the two of us. I really want to hold your hand and tell you how much I love you.
I don't need to own you, I don't need to have you with me. As long as you're happy wherever you are, in whatever you do, with whoever who truly cares for you, I'm happy. I will be even though I wish I should be the person loving you, making you breakfast and kissing you good night.
The more I say, the worse things might be. The more we talk about it, the fainter the beauty of the past lies. I used to say your name with fondness and love, now I just can't bring myself to anymore. And it's not because I don't love you, it's because I'm slowly letting go of this hurt and pain. I am not unreasonable nor am I illogical. I know I can never force you to love me. The more you kiss me now, the closer you hold me now, all I can think of is how these are my make-believe. These have all along been my make-believe. And it kills the beauty of our past, everything I had thought was there. If this continues, what would be left of us but an empty shell of lies and pretence? I cannot do this and I cannot let this happen. For the past six months were very dear and precious to me. I had hopes and dreams about us getting right and spending the rest of our lives together this way. At least now, I know they once existed.
It will be true to say that I can never listen to any R&B song the same way again. I can never go anywhere and eat everything the same way without thinking of you. Looking at the Spotify icon on my desktop is going to hurt now. Last night I took photos of your room and told myself that that might be the last I'll ever be in it. Knowing that you're going to move back to your house soon, I asked if you will miss everything that had happened in this room. In my head, I know that with the moving into of the new room, whatever that's going to be left behind might just be left behind. Knowing this, I am comforted at the thought that my leaving might not hurt you at all. Maybe it's still the same bed you'll be sleeping on but the four corners are going to change. So I took photos of the room and kissed Snoop goodbye, just in case I never get to see him again.
You're a darling and it pains me to see you in pain. It really does. It hurts to see you cry. It hurts to see you torn. It hurts to see you struggle to give me what I want. I don't ever want you hurt Kitteh. I love you. I just want you happy, that's all.
Love,
Bunneh
The past two days have been a turmoil. It has caused the both of us distress. We've cried in each other's arms and we've expressed our fear in losing each other. We do care for each other and we're always happy together. Our times together consist nothing short of laughter, fun and love. Sadly, the love that I had thought it was, wasn't it after all.
I thought whatever I was left with when I met you died and I wanted so much to right things. I don't know how. I really want to take your hand and run away to somewhere where there's only the two of us. I really want to hold your hand and tell you how much I love you.
I don't need to own you, I don't need to have you with me. As long as you're happy wherever you are, in whatever you do, with whoever who truly cares for you, I'm happy. I will be even though I wish I should be the person loving you, making you breakfast and kissing you good night.
The more I say, the worse things might be. The more we talk about it, the fainter the beauty of the past lies. I used to say your name with fondness and love, now I just can't bring myself to anymore. And it's not because I don't love you, it's because I'm slowly letting go of this hurt and pain. I am not unreasonable nor am I illogical. I know I can never force you to love me. The more you kiss me now, the closer you hold me now, all I can think of is how these are my make-believe. These have all along been my make-believe. And it kills the beauty of our past, everything I had thought was there. If this continues, what would be left of us but an empty shell of lies and pretence? I cannot do this and I cannot let this happen. For the past six months were very dear and precious to me. I had hopes and dreams about us getting right and spending the rest of our lives together this way. At least now, I know they once existed.
It will be true to say that I can never listen to any R&B song the same way again. I can never go anywhere and eat everything the same way without thinking of you. Looking at the Spotify icon on my desktop is going to hurt now. Last night I took photos of your room and told myself that that might be the last I'll ever be in it. Knowing that you're going to move back to your house soon, I asked if you will miss everything that had happened in this room. In my head, I know that with the moving into of the new room, whatever that's going to be left behind might just be left behind. Knowing this, I am comforted at the thought that my leaving might not hurt you at all. Maybe it's still the same bed you'll be sleeping on but the four corners are going to change. So I took photos of the room and kissed Snoop goodbye, just in case I never get to see him again.
You're a darling and it pains me to see you in pain. It really does. It hurts to see you cry. It hurts to see you torn. It hurts to see you struggle to give me what I want. I don't ever want you hurt Kitteh. I love you. I just want you happy, that's all.
Love,
Bunneh
Saturday, January 18, 2014
Uninterested.
The first entry of the new year. It's Saturday and I'm at home - surprise surprise! Carl has gone out to sea with his mates and I'm supposed to be doing some spring cleaning today. I should! I really should! Just in case you thought he's not making enough time for me, I spent the night with Carl (as usual)and came back this morning. Uh huh, we always make time for each other at least once a week no matter how busy we are. I hope the interview he went to yesterday pans out for him. He deserves this people. He's such a darling.
Things are looking up right now. I start to feel I actually can be pretty hopeful. It seems, I don't actually hate my job that much after assuring myself that I'm probably the best project manager one would ever find. And finally, for the first time in life, I feel it's something I can leverage for what I'm going to do in the future. My CV is tweaked with more professionalism now (added a second colour for aesthetics though). I signed up for a three day social media marketing course at ISS, NUS and I have intentions to become a certified project manager. Out of the sudden, my career objectives are finally in place! Having searched for that for a while, finally I'm beginning to see light at the end of the tunnel albeit not a defining streak.
I hope everything goes smoothly for the Carl and me. I think our relationship is great; we enjoy each other's company (for the past five months); we have never fought [don't jinx it C] and God, how I can see myself waking up to this every day. It's bliss isn't it? Something has changed in me - I actually want to cook for him, take care of him, support and encourage him in everything he thinks is right and work alongside him for my future, his future and our future (if there is). Geez, have I finally become a woman?
There's a part in me that wants to continue writing in that Germanic diary and send it out to that person who gave it to me after I'm done but come to think of it now, who the fuck cares about your sentimental side C.
I have the best right before my eyes now and God, I am going to love him right and I will never ever let him go.
Time to hone the cleaning skills now.
Things are looking up right now. I start to feel I actually can be pretty hopeful. It seems, I don't actually hate my job that much after assuring myself that I'm probably the best project manager one would ever find. And finally, for the first time in life, I feel it's something I can leverage for what I'm going to do in the future. My CV is tweaked with more professionalism now (added a second colour for aesthetics though). I signed up for a three day social media marketing course at ISS, NUS and I have intentions to become a certified project manager. Out of the sudden, my career objectives are finally in place! Having searched for that for a while, finally I'm beginning to see light at the end of the tunnel albeit not a defining streak.
I hope everything goes smoothly for the Carl and me. I think our relationship is great; we enjoy each other's company (for the past five months); we have never fought [don't jinx it C] and God, how I can see myself waking up to this every day. It's bliss isn't it? Something has changed in me - I actually want to cook for him, take care of him, support and encourage him in everything he thinks is right and work alongside him for my future, his future and our future (if there is). Geez, have I finally become a woman?
There's a part in me that wants to continue writing in that Germanic diary and send it out to that person who gave it to me after I'm done but come to think of it now, who the fuck cares about your sentimental side C.
I have the best right before my eyes now and God, I am going to love him right and I will never ever let him go.
Time to hone the cleaning skills now.
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