Very Brand New.

I realized I used to be a lost ship.

I didn't really fancy doing anything for myself, chasing what I want and making myself become a better person. I was constantly waiting for something to happen to me. Or should I say, I was waiting for a break. A lucky break.

Then it came.

Quit the publishing job to join a digital marketing agency and left in two days, I would have incurred a substantial amount of severance package of about 10k had I stayed in Wiley and waited for them to retrench me instead. That money is not a small sum and I wonder if I'll ever see such a sum in my life. Joining the digital marketing agency was a big mistake. That until today, I still feel bile at the back of my throat thinking about the place and its people.

I was out of job for about three weeks and almost slipped into a depressed funk but then my lucky break came. I cannot reiterate how grateful I am to my present company, my boss and my CEO for wanting to hire and groom me -- at a reasonable salary which will then be adjusted again upon my probation. Money aside. Think about how decent beings they are for not wanting to short change you even though you don't have relevant experience. I know that is what most companies do. But they didn't. And the amount of time and effort grooming me and helping me learn my ropes, it's simply priceless. Thinking about this, I feel really bad and I'm evermore determined to work harder and give more than I had possibly given to any organization.[Edited on 27 September 2014: No. It's all a fucking lie that was spun and I had been duped]

The career department seems in place now. So let's talk about myself.

I am starting to feel that I'm becoming a more attractive person. As in, I haven't really lost a lot of weight and my skin condition hasn't really gone back to the way it was but I do feel this sense of power coming from within. It's a type of confidence I've never experienced before. I think it has a lot to do with the fact that I finally saw light at the end of the tunnel. Finally it's linear.

And I'm seeing the most wonderful person I've ever met in my entire life for about 11 months who always makes time for me, makes me laugh, cares about me, talks to me, listens to me and makes an effort to make me happy; who is also, very charming, kind, humourous, surprising, generous, gentle, gives me solid advice and suggestions when it comes to my career and has a solid career of his own. Where on earth will I ever find someone like that again?

I am a seriously happy person now. Contented, fulfilled and just smiling, working, reading, dieting and eating all the time now.

惱春風　我心因何惱春風

說不出　借酒相送

夜雨凍　雨點透射到照片中

回頭似是夢　無法彈動　迷住凝望你　褪色照片中

啊　像花雖未紅　如冰雖不凍　卻像有無數說話　可惜我聽不懂

啊　是杯酒漸濃　或我心真空　何以感震動

照片中　哪可以投照片中

盼找到　時間裂縫

夜放縱　告知我難尋你芳蹤

回頭也是夢　仍似被動　逃避凝望你　卻深印腦中

The world today is such a confusing place to be in. When we were younger, we were told to work towards the things we want in life -- to have the go-getter attitude. Because of this, and that everyone else is doing it, we slip into this same pattern where in we visualize the person we want to be and start working towards it.

Firstly, it was studies. It was a standard that having As for all your papers is the only way to go. As a result, we slogged our ways out burning midnight oil, missed our favourite TV shows, missed a family birthday celebration, missed a trip out with friends just because it was told to us by everyone around us -- the society.

And then we graduate and dive into the society. And the same cycle repeats itself again. We missed the things that are important to us just because we were too busy being the person we have visualized we will be. It's an irony. It doesn't make sense to me. Being the person we want to be is important, and yet these occasions are important too. Life is a great balancing act because it is always lop-sided in some ways.

And the society once again came into play when it comes to relationships. We were told that this and that should be the way. We were convinced by media that love should be this way. As a result once again, we visualize the love we want to have and then measure up everyone who comes along against the ideal. We visualize the person who we want to be when in love and start acting it resulting in we forgetting to receive what we receive. We keep demanding for more because things don't go as expected -- the ideal that we have. Then you start asking yourself why you are miserable and that nothing ever seems enough. You keep asking yourself this question throughout adulthood and along the way, you lost so much of your innocence.

On one fine afternoon, the song by Colin Raye came on. I was asked if the song was depressing to be a wedding song.

"No. It's a very sweet song."

I love you Carl.

Fault in our Stars

The soundtrack is great. The Fault in our Stars that is. I am looking for a wishlist I can do up to include the books I need to read. This is on top of my list and it's very unfortunate that I'm very broke now. I can't even buy the book. If there's any good people out there, please buy me a gift-card on booksdepository.com. State your name and I shall return the favour one day. Nothing sexual of course.

I am broke and it's soon I'll dive into my first pool of debts. The very first time. I just told the girls, PW and XX that I have no money for Macadeedees and PW said she's going to pay for my meal. How much I owe PW & WM the couple? A lot. True friends in a true story.

I've once again, come to another crossroad in life. Left the publishing big boy and tried to join an agency. For you all haters out there who had told me that life in an agency is hard and that I won't be able to take it cause you were jealous that I seemingly got myself a better job, you can gloat now. Laugh at me all you want for I've sacked the boss -- the cruel and almost inhumane boss. Spoke to my family and close friends about it and they were all supportive of my decision. Because they know me well. That I value a healthy balance in life -- that I am not my work and my work does not define who I am. I am a true artist. I don't work well in this race the rats run. I function at will and I am the most brilliant when I am left to roam and explore.

That is why I have decided that I will attempt to finish the story that I've started writing. I might name it A Novel in 30 Days. But first, I need to find the most conducive environment to do so. With plenty of time on hand, I might go to the National Library tomorrow. I had initially thought of the beach. But they don't have a power point there I can use.

So, I have been spending my time well, getting busy with my sister's wedding preparations. Which I didn't do much actually except to be in charge of the AV (I told everyone I was the Adult Video I/C), making sure my Dad doesn't disappear too frequently to smoke, playing host to relatives who I hardly see who I don't really care if they just have a kid or cancer, letting them sing compliments that they don't mean, engage them in conversations that don't matter and you know the rest. These events disgust me. I mean it's great to see everyone alive and kicking. But I don't comprehend the idea of getting together for that few hours, talk as if we're best friends and simply forget about each other when we wake the next day. It doesn't make sense right? What's worst, is that you know how some of them have a vicious tongue. The perfect put-downs, the sarcasm, the green with envy tone in their words... oh my god, give me a break already. I have just recently got rid of the toxic people in my life.

The wedding day was emotional for me having to see my sister getting married and starting a new life altogether. There were moments of self-reflection, definitely more than the usual. For even in the eyes of my own, I am still behaving like a little child. Perhaps a wild one just that I don't sleep around. And I'm worried most of the time that I might never grow up to be a woman, a wife and a mother.

I think my life is a joke. I look at the sky sometimes at night and wonder why I'm being left here in this concrete jungle. Life might be better for me if I'm born a tribal woman in Amazon. I have no skills. The only thing I'm capable of is to dream. And whilst I am capable of that, I tried so many times to pen these dreams down in words. Alas, I'm not a linguist too. The idea here now, is that if I'm born a tribal woman in Amazon, I might pick up hunting skills, cooking skills, milking skills, foraging skills and the likes.

This sounds like I'm spiralling into a depressed funk (note that I really love this catchy phrase a lot) but I've never been so calm and composed for years. I love waking up in the morning now, breathing in the fresh air and appreciating the beauty that mornings bring. I love listening to the birds chirp even when it's actually crows loudly croaking away.

Everlong

I want to blabber nonsense. It's just one of those days. Foo Fighters' Everlong planted this urge in me, bringing forth an impetus to want to run, go all out, scream and shout and say " Ha! I'll live forever!"

So back in my mind today at work, I daydreamed about myself running alongside time, chasing every possibilities, every thing it has in store for me. It's like a race with time. A race that I know that eventually I'll be outran. But still, I want to keep running. Just run and run. Run.

While I was proof-reading, I jammed in my head -- a moment I was the bassist and a while later I was the drummer. Hitting my feet real hard on the ground, I had regretted not having worn my very worn black converse. Still, I couldn't help but to dream that I was in a band, I was having a million fans. I was their God. I was who they look up to, I was everything they want to be.

I want to fucking get lost.

I find it seemingly impossible to comprehend whatever has gone on in the past week. Last week this time, I was on cloud nine thinking about the victorious moment when I walk into my boss's office and sack myself. This time this week, I just don't know what to feel. 

It turns out, that if I hadn't tendered my resignation earlier, I would have been retrenched. Yes, at age 29. It was a close shave that I had given him my resignation letter just thirty minutes before the retrenchment news was announced. I was spared the humiliation but wasn't spared the shock. The world took a drastic turn causing chaos sending people running all about. I witnessed all my colleagues who had once thought that they could launch a career chase at my present employer (an MNC) broke down. The news was hard to swallow, so hard that I have to wake up every day to remind myself this. 

We all know that print publishing is a sunset industry and it is only a matter of time that print gets completely wiped out. Searching for experience, I found myself caught in my first ever retrenchment exercise in real time. There was no prior encounter to help myself deal with such ordeal and I recalled vividly what my lecturer had said before about the volatility of business. That is, if you happen to be the bigger boy in a specific industry, your business will be largely affected in accordance with the volatility of the industry. If the industry is not making money, your business will lose a lot of money. Taking in the fixed costs that are already in place which you cannot do away with, that's where all your money goes to. So, as I've mentioned before that I'm presently working at an MNC, it's of little wonder why they had taken on such a huge pivotal shift in their business model and why it's no wonder at all that they decided to make our positions redundant -- we are the fixed costs that have been eating into the revenue. From a business's vantage point and on hindsight, what could have happened way earlier was that the business realized the need to change when the first iPad/Kindle was launched and acquired digital media companies. Not only will this move provide the company with the upper hand to govern how electronic books are being produced but too, it could have provided its employees (assets) with new skills that could have been utilized in the digital direction that the company will be undertaking. Over the last decade, print sales have significantly plummeted due to the influx of consumers' needs for digital media. Everything has to happen in a snap of a finger. No one goes to the library any more. No one has the time and Google is the king of all kings. Traditional marketing is being challenged by digital marketing and brand management being challenged by real-time consumer engagement. 

I have nothing to lose amongst everyone around me at this moment because I happen to be the lucky one to have found another job before this exercise was carried out (God, thank you once again). So I'm now counting down to the day where I leave the big and spacious office that is nevertheless hauntingly quiet. So quiet that it reminds me of a morgue that's an absolute vacuum of life. I am sure I won't miss the place but I will miss my colleagues without a doubt. They happen to be one of the purest souls I've met, sans hypocrisy and reeking of innocence from head to toe. When this happen to people who have a heart of gold, it saddens me a lot. It does. Screw the cruelty of the real world. Screw you for dampening the charging spirits of these people. Now they are all scarred.

Why do bad things happen to good people? And guys, if yours truly can give yall a piece of advice, go equipped yourself with digital knowledge please. And forget all you learnt in school about traditional marketing, branding, advertising, human resource management, business development and so on. Read all you can on the new age media and hipster way to run a business. If you're working with old traditional fucks, run before they bring you down along with them as they sink.

There is a fucking reason why all the big companies are all selling digital right?

Sleep Induction. Relaxation. Alcohol. Smoke.

As I looked upon the empty ashtray, I recalled the promise I made to myself to never smoke. Knowing this, I lit up another stick with guilt pricking on my conscience. I needed to think and to sort out a lot on my mind and cigarettes, alcohol and sleep induction pills happen to my only aid to help achieve this.

I don't know what to feel/do anymore. Thus, I had to resort to this means. And it's not I'm an alcoholic, it's not I'm a druggie. I just have to do this.

I can turn a blind eye on what's happening around me that's landed us to this situation we are in now. With each passing day, I feel I'm losing myself. I'm slipping away bit by bit. When you asked if I'm alright, if I said no, will it make things better. No it won't. Nothing is the same anymore. Everything has spoken, words have been exchanged. Ideas conveyed, and emotions expressed. Rage, sadness, happiness all fell into a salad bowl. Top it off with thousand island dressing, you get a mash up of everything. And you get a dish that doesn't make any sense.

Engulfed in emotions that are crashing on myself like merciless raging waves, I had no one to turn to to address my pain. I have no one. I don't wish to listen to negative input, deep inside me I long for an angel to sprinkle fairy dust of hope and faith. But there is none. I have only myself. Myself.

The way I have been all along.

How do I get through this? I have no idea how to anymore. Facts remain as facts. We can't alter the truth. We can't undo the hurt. We can't go back to where we were in the past.

I yearn to be lost in the dark. I want to get lost in the woods where I can be on my own. Then maybe, maybe my superman will come rescue me. And give me a miraculous dash of hope. Maybe.

For now, all I know is that I want to run away. I want to hide and be alone. To grieve over what had been, what hadn't been and what should have been.

Nothing works the way I want them to. And the saddest thing anyone has to go through, is a world without hope.

Not Love Perhaps

This is not Love, perhaps,
Love that lays down its life,
that many waters cannot quench,
nor the floods drown,
But something written in lighter ink,
said in a lower tone, something, perhaps, especially our own.

A need, at times, to be together and talk,
And then the finding we can walk
More firmly through dark narrow places,
And meet more easily nightmare faces;
A need to reach out, sometimes, hand to hand,
And then find Earth less like an alien land;
A need for alliance to defeat
The whisperers at the corner of the street.

A need for inns on roads, islands in seas,
Halts for discoveries to be shared,
Maps checked, notes compared;
A need, at times, of each for each,
Direct as the need of throat and tongue for speech. 

Arthur Seymour John Tessimond

HAVE I TOLD ANYONE THAT I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO BE IN BAND?!

Here I am, 

in silence, 

comforted by the words of a friend, 

a piece of advice she has for me.

I feel better knowing,

that maybe it's not you don't, 

it's that the time isn't right.

In silence,

I'll wait.

And remain as the girl you know,

like,

and intrigued by.

I like to keep things to myself. To be exact, I like to keep things that sadden me to myself. I don't see a point in telling anyone about it. It might be true that you'll feel better after telling someone about it. But more than often, anyone outside the circle of involvement won't be able to fully grasp the depth of what you are saying or whatever you are saying at all. So I've learnt to keep things to myself.

The past two days have been a turmoil. It has caused the both of us distress. We've cried in each other's arms and we've expressed our fear in losing each other. We do care for each other and we're always happy together. Our times together consist nothing short of laughter, fun and love. Sadly, the love that I had thought it was, wasn't it after all.

I thought whatever I was left with when I met you died and I wanted so much to right things. I don't know how. I really want to take your hand and run away to somewhere where there's only the two of us. I really want to hold your hand and tell you how much I love you.

I don't need to own you, I don't need to have you with me. As long as you're happy wherever you are, in whatever you do, with whoever who truly cares for you, I'm happy. I will be even though I wish I should be the person loving you, making you breakfast and kissing you good night.

The more I say, the worse things might be. The more we talk about it, the fainter the beauty of the past lies. I used to say your name with fondness and love, now I just can't bring myself to anymore. And it's not because I don't love you, it's because I'm slowly letting go of this hurt and pain. I am not unreasonable nor am I illogical. I know I can never force you to love me. The more you kiss me now, the closer you hold me now, all I can think of is how these are my make-believe. These have all along been my make-believe. And it kills the beauty of our past, everything I had thought was there. If this continues, what would be left of us but an empty shell of lies and pretence? I cannot do this and I cannot let this happen. For the past six months were very dear and precious to me. I had hopes and dreams about us getting right and spending the rest of our lives together this way. At least now, I know they once existed.

It will be true to say that I can never listen to any R&B song the same way again. I can never go anywhere and eat everything the same way without thinking of you. Looking at the Spotify icon on my desktop is going to hurt now. Last night I took photos of your room and told myself that that might be the last I'll ever be in it. Knowing that you're going to move back to your house soon, I asked if you will miss everything that had happened in this room. In my head, I know that with the moving into of the new room, whatever that's going to be left behind might just be left behind. Knowing this, I am comforted at the thought that my leaving might not hurt you at all. Maybe it's still the same bed you'll be sleeping on but the four corners are going to change. So I took photos of the room and kissed Snoop goodbye, just in case I never get to see him again.

You're a darling and it pains me to see you in pain. It really does. It hurts to see you cry. It hurts to see you torn. It hurts to see you struggle to give me what I want. I don't ever want you hurt Kitteh. I love you. I just want you happy, that's all.

Love,
Bunneh

Uninterested.

The first entry of the new year. It's Saturday and I'm at home - surprise surprise! Carl has gone out to sea with his mates and I'm supposed to be doing some spring cleaning today. I should! I really should! Just in case you thought he's not making enough time for me, I spent the night with Carl (as usual)and came back this morning. Uh huh, we always make time for each other at least once a week no matter how busy we are. I hope the interview he went to yesterday pans out for him. He deserves this people. He's such a darling.

Things are looking up right now. I start to feel I actually can be pretty hopeful. It seems, I don't actually hate my job that much after assuring myself that I'm probably the best project manager one would ever find. And finally, for the first time in life, I feel it's something I can leverage for what I'm going to do in the future. My CV is tweaked with more professionalism now (added a second colour for aesthetics though). I signed up for a three day social media marketing course at ISS, NUS and I have intentions to become a certified project manager. Out of the sudden, my career objectives are finally in place! Having searched for that for a while, finally I'm beginning to see light at the end of the tunnel albeit not a defining streak.

I hope everything goes smoothly for the Carl and me. I think our relationship is great; we enjoy each other's company (for the past five months); we have never fought [don't jinx it C] and God, how I can see myself waking up to this every day. It's bliss isn't it? Something has changed in me - I actually want to cook for him, take care of him, support and encourage him in everything he thinks is right and work alongside him for my future, his future and our future (if there is). Geez, have I finally become a woman?

There's a part in me that wants to continue writing in that Germanic diary and send it out to that person who gave it to me after I'm done but come to think of it now, who the fuck cares about your sentimental side C.

I have the best right before my eyes now and God, I am going to love him right and I will never ever let him go.

Time to hone the cleaning skills now.

Looking back

As 2014 draws near, I can't help but to get a little melancholic looking and thinking back of the past year. Partly because the period is about due soon, I find myself having emotional issues that I can find no reason for. The expectations I have of everyone around me don't match what I've been provided with and this makes me feel terrible inside. And for as long as I've lived, this has been the root of all my unhappiness - I finally realized that all the unhappiness I have been bottling up stemmed from the aforementioned.

I don't remember anything I've done for myself and I don't recall any achievement which I've proudly etched to the wall of fame. Say from apart from the quite useless advanced diploma in business management that I've obtained, there's nothing more I've added to my belt this year.

Vivid enough however, was 25 February where something magical happened and 9 March. And 28 August when my world collapsed. Ever since, I've become quite out of touch with myself. Picked up an obsession with working out and losing it recently due to the festive season. Spending lots of money without having a clear picture of my ROI, pretending to be Paris Hilton and not wanting to finish the last few chapters of 1Q84. The year has gone by in a blur. Most of the time, I had no idea what I was doing.

Actually, it really doesn't matter/hurt anymore. But I don't know why, every time I feel low, I find myself running back to 25 February.

Today, I shared with my colleague that I finally found the reason why fewer women want to give birth these days. The reason: their friends who get married and have babies before they do. Here's why:

• Your married and was once impregnated friend messages you every day to talk about the baby that she has given birth to.
• Every motherfuggin entry these women post on every motherfuggin social media platform is photos of their babies, articles they chance upon somewhere relating to motherhood and babies, and how China is making soup out of fetuses and coating them in batter before throwing them into pots of boiling oil. 

I'm definitely not sore because I'm single and have no babies. I just really want to let you know, if you're one of these girls, that you are annoying. And your baby is just going to be another human being. And just for your info, your vagina has expanded in size by at least three inches after childbirth. Because you're forever talking about the baby, your husband finds your married life revolving around another human being instead of him. Don't let your husband contribute another head count to the rising rate of infidelity and please, cut everyone some slack by knowing the fact that our lives don't have to revolve around your baby. 

Why is everyone having babies?

#shithappens

The people who used to matter a lot to me no longer mean that much now. I needed them in my life but I don't want them now. I think it's impossible to alter the way I function - that when I don't give a fucking fuck about you, you're often labelled as a fucktard in my world.

"I don't fucking give a fucking fuck about you fucktard."

Sometimes, most of the times actually, I find grasping the meaning of everything a seemingly impossible task. Food we eat every day, exercise regime we enthusiastically engage ourselves in just to have a hotter bod, meditation to have a calmer mind and the list goes on. This goes on again and again, matching the rhythm of time. The various rituals we carry out until the day we can no longer don't seem to make life any more meaningful.

Am I the only one who feel this way?

I'm afraid of dying this way.

Maybe one day I'll be able to understand what kind of pain this exactly is - one that has successfully rendered me into running around, seeking solace.

Maybe one day I'll be able to understand how someone can hurt another this way.

But when that day finally comes where I finally see the light, I am certain I won't feel this way anymore.

And that is, I've leapt on to another planet - where unspoken words no longer mean anything, memories are made sere and promises ended up being broken.

The Birth.

It feels brand new every single time.

I am not the brightest star around. Neither do I possess the ability to read deeper than what I possibly could.  One thing I do know for sure, is that the energy which flows between you and me is undeniable, immaculate and pure - that every single time we were brought to a low, we bounce back up higher than before. This is my faith, my belief and I hope you feel the same way.

Interests and similarities knit us - we're two threads put through a needle-hole, destined to weave stories. Your likes and loves are mine, my fancies and objects of adoration are yours. There was never a need to explain or convince for all there has been, was only sharing of thrills and excitement.

You're my soul mate not because I tell you everything. You are one because I don't have to tell you everything.

dEar_gOd, as fondly as I recalled, told me that anyone would have to bleed to cut him. And from the moment onwards, it was etched deeply inside.

A dog that barks doesn't bite. A smart dog that bites won't bother to bark to alert you. The most agonizing kind of pain is one which creeps upon you from behind and hits you hard when you least expect it.

Games are not hard to play at all when you're born to play. It's the abstinence which is hard.
Let us be true to our core.

Whichever I wore, I still return to the core eventually.
Which is me, yours truly.

façade; n 

on the day we met, which one did we wear? 

Alter Ego

to be very honest, i was a lil dejected when you said you felt shit. but a jiffy later, as i was having my mushroom quiche, i realised i couldn't be arsed. is there a reason why i'm getting to you this way? go figure.

and ain't sagi supposed to be optimistic? 

brutal truth here. after all, that's what we are - utterly honest people. 

born too late to say i love you baby.

"Never lie, steal, cheat, or drink. But if you must lie, lie in the arms of the one you love. If you must steal, steal away from bad company. If you must cheat, cheat death. And if you must drink, drink in the moments that take your breath away." - Hitch, 2005

Sulking, I went to the kitchen to fetch myself a glass of water. The day was warm and the ceiling fan was oscillating even when there was no one in the living room. The kitchen in this house has always been the dimmest room. The windows are blocked by opposing windows of the master bedroom and no direct sunlight could possibly infiltrate unless light starts to travel in awkward curved lines. I picked up the pitcher and began filling up this glass of mine which looks like an inverted triangle. I had bought it a couple of months ago because the shape’s interesting. Not saying it actually resembles a triangle. It’d be odd, no glass I’ve seen that actually has sharp corners. But enough about the glass.

I’ve been unhappy. I am unhappy with my current life. If the fortune teller who I visited three years ago wishes to claim credit for the prophecies he had of me, I will bestow him a trophy. I had gone to him that day because I was nervous about my career switch. The superstitious façade of mine had wanted to know if that was a wise choice.

Taking my right palm in both his hands on that Tuesday in 2010, he had carelessly (he didn’t actually spend a lot of time studying my palm lines) skimmed through whatever was there and said;

“You won’t be happy working. You are not cut out to work. You won’t be happy until you reach 40. You will meet someone in the future who you will love deeply but he is not going to reciprocate. During this time, it’s advisable you keep your friends around you. Otherwise you might do something foolish.”

The optimist in me argued with him as he muttered;

“That’s right. I will never be happy working for someone else because I think I’m better off running my own business. Or, I could marry a sultan and be a loving wife, full-time housewife and mother to my children. I have already met someone back then who I had loved deeply and he went away. He did reciprocate for a good two years. I have already done something foolish and it was him who sent me to the hospital. No, no friends were around because I had shut all of them out.”

On the last Sunday of July in 2013, I had recalled his words and let them fall in place. Having tried to brush my superstition aside, I questioned the credibility of these words. For everyone around me who understands me well enough, you ought to know by now that my interest in almost everything falters almost as instantly as it sparks. This so explains why I have been a chronic job-hopper because no one industry could keep me in for long. If I could be a surgeon tomorrow, I will, if not for my fear of cutting red meat.

I have a love and hate affair with the way my brain works. I love how I've garnered praises on my creativity and my ability to think out of the box. I love showing off how I can associate everything with anything and make a joke out of anything and everything. At the same time, I hate how my thoughts propagate the way that’s similar to that of an eruption of a volcano where it's seemingly hard for even myself to follow sometimes. First, the dormant side awakens. Processing information in a rather awkward slow motion, the brain digests whatever it could. And with an abrupt acceleration, it ejaculates lava and spits rocks out all in its glory. It’s uncontrollable, destructive and kills everything in its path. The villagers at the foot either die:

1. Being crushed by the falling rocks as they evacuate
2. Having their limbs burned to a state of nothingness by lava which is around 700 to 1250 degrees Celsius and eventually drowned in them
3. Having their windpipes blocked with volcanic ash and eventually suffocate
4. Being trampled over by the entire village when they trip over one of the rocks that has fallen

Now, you might have actually just witnessed how good I am at digressing and letting my imagination run wild. This bears an honest reference to what I had mentioned earlier: that my thoughts propagate not within control. Half an hour ago, I had made up my mind to write something on a serious note. I had poured myself some water in a glass that I had bought a couple of months which resembles an inverted triangle. I had settled down in front of my laptop and made up my mind to write something which is absolutely morbid, pessimistic and dark. Half an hour later now, you’re reading about a volcanic eruption and ways in which the villagers who reside nearby could possibly die.

I'm constantly hopping from one subject to another. Coherence is what I lack in my thoughts, writings and speeches. The biggest irony here is, I was once a top scorer for all my essays in school. 

Till then

I want to see you in this light where I'll be running from afar. And when I finally get to where you are, I'll throw my arms around you and tell you how much I've missed you.

Benjamin.

Fear

All of us have it. It's how we deal with it that counts and speaks strongly about yourself.

26 laps.

Having a smoke right after swimming 26 laps is like having your lungs say to you, "Here, I'm expanded. Go suck more nicotine now." 

What would you do if you were me?

Yesterday is here

March feels far.

A plain white canvas beautifully painted by my own hands. This is my mental landscape. I am the painter. I have been painting what I want to see.

What is it that you see?