Just like in life, some things used to hurt us so much back then. But now, no. It won't. Maybe it will still prick your heart that little bit. Maybe your heart will be torn a little bit more than you wanted. But no, you won't break down. Cause you have grown. What used to hurt so much doesn't have that same amount of effect any more. You learn to contain it within you.

exhale.d

After all this while

would you ever wanna leave it

maybe you could not believe it

that my love for you is blind

But I cannot make you see it

I cannot make you see it

blind.

-W.H.
I would like to thank you for your words of comfort. Although we've never met, but I am glad you do feel me. And I'm relieved that I did send you a message on friendster. I am sure your words would sleep me like a baby later. Thanks a lot. Aights. I am just emo by nature, please pardon me. =)

I tried out my waterproof mascara on the bus my way home today.
It's really waterproof!

I couldn't contain it. Letting go is beyond 'painful'.
It is like sucking every living soul out of you.
It's like choking you every breath you tried to inhale.
How many of you get to even feel this way?

I bypassed so many beautiful sceneries and I pretended you were beside me.
But when a sudden abrupt rang of bell, I turned around and saw a sandy image of you vanishing right before my eyes. I couldn't bear to see you evanesce, I turned around and shed silent tears of grief.

They call me weak.
I just call myself emotional.
I feel for everything, even the slightest wither of leaves.
I feel for people; naturally I feel most for the person I adore.
And I love you more than you'll ever know.

You are close to ethereal perfection to me.

The world may label or judge you.
But you know it well, that i won't.
And I would never hear no stories to corrupt my mind again.

I set you free, flap your beautiful wings and soar high

And like I've always said,
"Always have, Always will".

my plead.

when my lids shut
still it's you I see
no longer the dolorous pain pierces
still your name it's calling

yearn to feel your presence
but it's just dreams I meet you
what happened to our love?

beg you to tell me

we intertwined at the wrong time
not because this love isn't true
whisper, my realm you'd be back to someday

somehow.



[8:35am] i would love to peck your cheeks a good morning.

earphones.

It just suddenly struck me again today that I have really lost him.

I woke up feeling kinda okay nowadays. I can feel myself breathing. And I thought thy heart isn't hurting anymore. However, to great dismay, I realised it's totally numb. Or rather, I should say I am in a state of shock.

Can't help missing him. But then again, I know I can't. There is simply no point in doing so for there's no way I could ever make my feelings known. A change of role, a switch of status - that's what I am now. Insignificantly invisible. He hinted that I am partly responsible for the way things turn out today... But what the hell did I do? Whatever it is, I know he is avoiding me as if I am a million-dollar-bucks-owed creditor. He just loathes me.

I reminded myself of the humiliation I had received. And I start to finally feel sorry for myself. Why on earth would I even let someone bring me down this way? If he loved me, he won't even let his folks threw insults at me as if I am valueless. When I called his house the other day and to my great disappointment, it's his mother who answered the phone. She sounded as if she was ready to charge at me with a hand dagger (if she's a ninja) or a kitchen knife. Am I really that detestable? I am still deeply missed by my past relationship's mother, er hello? I am also very greatly loved by my friends' mothers, er hello?

And if he really did loved me, would he even let me wait whole night alone? So many, just far too many, decisions he made to validate this very fact that he had never loved me before; he had never treated me and respected me like a human being before. Pause you who are reading this, can you picture yourself putting up with this kinda disrespectful treatment but still clinged on to a relationship in which you long foresee no future in it but still do because you believe in "Love will find a way"? I think it does find a way for itself, not when it is one-sided.

I have to accept that: He is the one who wants to give me up, He wants nothing of me but just a mere passing phase, He just wants to throw everything we've once had away because there are greener pastures in NUS. Oh.. H. Thanks for knocking some bloody sense into me. On which earth, would which guy be able to resist the temptations of more girls, many girls, a lot of girls? Your friend ever since sec one just talks crap as if he's talking with this rectum isn't it? Haha.

I sat in front of my television for two hours today, watching "200 Pounds Beauty" and I have been watching a lot of "South Park" lately. I am about to comb every single season and every single episode of it.

I know all these pain won't stop till I wise up.



spinning around like a big spinning top.

Delusional VS James.

The title says it all.

Can't figure out why he is just so keen on making up stories. Is he trying to delude himself? Or is he living in a fictional world? Where making up stories would only make his life seems less colourless.

It doesn't hurt that much at the thought of not having him by my side. I have gotten used to sleeping weekends away, alone. I have gotten used to not sharing and squeezing on a single sized bed and have a big queen sized bed all to myself! And I certainly don't miss his housekeeper's cooking! The only thing which I miss is sleeping on James's bouncy stomach. =( [James! I really miss you! I will kidnap you and bring you over to my cosy heavenly room soon! No worries about no attention given to ya, you will be very much loved and pampered! Come to mama! =D]

I am quite saddened by the fact that he has changed into someone else now. The thought of his feelings changed doesn't hurt as much as the fact that he has changed, beyond recognition. I feel sorry for him somehow. And I can't help but to ponder whether I am responsible for this wicked personality alteration in him. He has a heart of gold, born with it. So why does he want to throw it away? He may be doing things which seem to be quite uncalled for, but deep down inside, I still believe in him. Whatever it is, I have no part to play anymore.




James... If I could, I will surely teleport over and have you abducted to my family.


Always bear in mind that the world judges you on the gravity of the words you say and things you do.


-pop the champagne cork and spin around like a spinning top.

Diagnosing Love. - For psychology diggers.

" Love is a sickness full of woes,
All remedies refusing. "

Lovesick:

- A Mental Illness

Often associated with:

• Obsession (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder)
• Depression
• Mania
• Manic Depression
• Generalised Anxiety Disorder
• Anorexia Nervosa
• Derealisation
• Depersonalisation

Others physical symptoms:

• Pounding Heart
• Trembling
• Shortness of Breath
• Feeling lightheaded

Obsession

• Trigger high levels of anxiety
• Affected individual attempts to reduce (often unsuccessfully) by performing certain actions.
• Often superstitious or ritualistic and can be enacted internally (for example, repeating a lucky number) or externally (arranging objects symmetrically).

Lovers experience thoughts, impulses, and images that are recurrent, persistent, and difficult to dismiss: fantasies, day-dreams, and irresistible urges to send text-messages or make telephone calls. During periods of separation, the threat of infidelity can easily turn a soft-focus day-dream through several degrees of menace into nightmare. When this happens, the resonances between OCD and love sickness are highlighted with respect to both quality and content: unwanted and intrusive sexual images can trouble the OCD patient and the lover. A further and somewhat obviously link concerning clinical obsession and love obsessions is the degree to which both are usually very focused and absorbing. A single idea, person, or image may occupy awareness to the exclusion of everything else.

Depression

• A variant of melancholy
• Sighing
• Lachrymose
• Listless
• Diminished interest or pleasure in activities
• Loss of appetite
• Insomnia
• Fatigue
• Diminished ability to concentrate
• Suicide

Exhibiting five out of six symptoms mentioned above sustained for a mere two weeks is sufficient to merit a diagnosis of major depressive episode. Although love and melancholy are closely related, to construe love solely as a form of depression is clearly inaccurate. Separation and rejection might well provoke the symptoms of depression, but love is much more than yearning, pining and sadness. It is also joy, euphoria and ecstasy. When such positive emotions are felt very intensely, they too can cause problems: for example, overconfidence, boastfulness, recklessness, and a failure to recognise realistic limits. In psychiatry, something very similar occurs in patients suffering from mania, which is associated with increased levels of physical energy and abnormally elevated mood. We now proceed to look at Mania.

Mania and Manic Depression

• Expansive mood
• Inflated self-esteem
• Decreased need for sleep
• A pressure to talk
• Racing thoughts
• Distractibility
• Increased activity (particularly sexual)
• A general disregard for the consequences of pleasure-seeking (for instance, spending large amounts of money on gifts or dining)

In the first euphoric weeks (or even months) or love the symptoms of mania are clearly evident. Only four of the symptoms mentioned above experienced for one week will be sufficient to meet diagnostic criteria for mania episode. Less than a week of these symptoms would be sufficient to merit the lesser diagnosis of hypomania episode. Clinically, mania tends to alternate with episodes of depression. Thus, when psychiatric patients meet criteria for both mania and depression, they are described as being manic-depressive. This general instability of mood is also one of the most characteristic features of passionate love. When in love, the mind oscillates between two emotional polarities. In many respects, manic depression is perhaps the most accurate psychiatric analogue of love, embracing as it does both extremes of the emotional continuum.


Excessive worry about the future of a relationship resembles generalised anxiety disorder; disturbances of appetite and appearance sensitivity are reminiscent of anorexia nervosa; and feeling as though as life has become 'a dream' suggests phenomena such as derealisation (experiencing the world as unreal) and depersonalisation (experiencing the self as unreal). It is extremely easy, in fact, to show correspondences between the symptoms of love sickness and numerous forms of psychiatric illness.

Past cure I am, now Reason is past care,

And frantic-mad with evermore unrest;

My thoughts and my discourse as madmen's are,

At random from the truth vainly express'd.

-Dr. Frank Tallis

-William Shakespeare

Random Thoughts.

I just sent a text to Nichol, "I have just got to tell you this. I love Bennett for the man he wants to be, and I love him for the man he almost is. I love him, Nichol. I love him. I love him!"

Exactly, that's right, from Jerry Mcguire.

I've come to terms that it is beyond any form of description or expression.

I've fallen.
Too deep.

I think Sylvester is not of the right mind. Uberly.

Right shoulder is hurting like crazy, out of the blue.

unironic kitten.

I have been checking out this lady's blog who resides in LA. And this is the first time I managed to check out her friendster profile (when I had wanted to, the friendster was under maintenance). I had thought she would be a blonde. Nope. She turns out to be a brunette. Which I find myself silly, anticipating that. Because, it's just never the capability of a blonde to enthrall me. Okay, that's stereotyping, I admit and I am sorry. Well, at least, in the US, they have a general term for addressing the not-so-intelligent girls in a nicer tone. In Singapore, we are merely called the dumb ones.

The last paper for the examination ended with a commotion. It turned out that the questions on the paper weren't (really) related to what we'd been asked to study. So, the first thing which flashed to my mind: "OMG". As I read on, the second thing: "OMG". When I read and got to the essay questions: "OMFG". I had thought my eyes were playing naughty tricks on me. I looked around the hall, everyone was giving one another the OMFG face. So I realised, I wasn't hallucinating. I turned to my right to Amford and smiled sweetly at him. I turned to my left to my sister and smiled sweetly at her. Both of them shook their heads. I thought I was being encouraging by smiling, it turned out that I wasn't emotionally prepared to react to such an unexpected situation.

We digged our heads in and went ahead trying to answer the questions. Okay. Most of the questions required common sense and sensibility answers. Many people in the hall were whining to one another, whining and complaining to the invigilators. Why is that they don't have the wits to know that the invigilators are just the invigilators? And they can't do anything about it with regards to the change of syllabus? The invigilators called the school, my General Manager told them to tell us to go ahead with the paper. I knew it! Even before they wanted to give the school a call, I had known this was going to happen! I know Patrick could never be the responsible middle aged man he wants to be, and the man he almost is! What a poor untrained fella.

Many wanted to leave, most of them didn't even bother trying to tackle the questions. They thought we would be called and asked to retake. How naive. Oh yeah, we might be of course, at our own costs, my dear fellow schoolmates.

I can't sleep. It's hitting six a.m in seven minutes and I just can't sleep. I had thought I'm very tired. I should be. I guess I was just mentally tired. From the exhaustive notes apprehending, and the constant reminder of Bennett et al. I guess, I would be better tomorrow. Because I am starting to feel a little better now. I am crossing my fingers tightly on that.

I didn't see "A" Boy aka Chirag today. I had planned to walk up to him, grab him and tongued him. Heh. Negative. I just wanted his MSN add. Well, it's okay. I don't really care. He is just a good-looking, 17 year old boy who speaks a mouthful of fluent English with those kind of accent which I adore... Chrissy!! What are you thinking? He is 5 years your junior and the only contact you've had with him was the few exchanges of eye contact! Quit your young geeks fetish!

It's June. How fast time has passed. I cannot imagine how cruel time is to us. I just cannot imagine. I have sort of, graduated. I did it. I thought it was only yesterday I walked into the classroom with the wrong attire and wrong shoes? I feel it was only yesterday I walked on the school's carpet? It feels like I was at Bennett et al's house last night and was eating his maid's fried rice? Hmm... weird. It's been close to 4 months. Which means in another 2 months, it would be half a year, and in another 8 months, it would be a year. God. Heartaches attack again.

He's gone. Really gone.

Hmm...

A letter for my dearest.

Dearest Bennett,

I have come to terms that our relationship is over and your love is gone, impossibly tough to return.

You just got to know this.

You are the most wonderful thing which has ever happened to me. And straight from my heart, I love you.

The sad thing about life: As we live through every single phase, we are bound to meet someone, intertwine, and have to part inevitably. I never want you to be just a passerby however, this is what I have to learn to accept now.

I love you darling. I love you baby.
I love you for everything you once were, everything you are now, and everything you are going to become.

I'll see you soon, in many times to come...

The day in the life of Lai Hock.

I am uberly tired now.
But this has been waiting to be unleashed.
I have been procrastinating this, which I really have to set my heart to do it now.
Otherwise, my soul won't rest.

WARNING. THE FOLLOWING MAY CONTAIN EXPLICIT CONTENT WHICH IS NOT HIGHLY ADVISABLY RECOMMENDED FOR PEOPLE WHO DOESN'T UNDERSTAND HOKKIEN.

Hock went to Jln Singa to pick Chris up to meet Hao at Jln Tenaga to eat.
Hock and Hao talked cock while Chris sat there to watch teebee.

Enough of lousy structures of sentence.

It's never within my thoughts that in this very century, this very new age era when everything is about being the chic, the hip, the rhythm and blues, that such people still exist.

Location: McDonald's, opposite some Tampines street Blk 327

When we stepped out of the car, Nichol had told me that in that district, dangerous ah lians and bengs still prey. And my eyes just can't agree more with what he said just when we got to McDonald's. Sitting at the smoking corner: two males, two females. Just as we walked out of the convenience store, Nichol claiming himself to be 'only very observant' exchanged stares with one of the males.

To my most extremely shock in a very amusing way, one of the males shouted on the top of his lungs at Nichol, " KUA SI MI LAN JIAO!!! " My jaw dropped. And I believe I was rooted to the ground for a split second. Thoughts were racing through my mind fast and Nichol went up to him, patted him on his shoulder and the men's talk began.

The exchange of words were short, and we got into McDonald's to get us a drink. When we came out of it, the male, let's just call him Ming (which really is Beng in hokkien), laughingly approached Nichol and just said a mere Pai seh pai seh.

After we got our momentum for mugs, Ming had to come over for a chit chat with Nichol. I feel so thankful towards Nichol for letting me exposed to the 'scene' again, after a long 8 years. Guess what they talked about?

That convo in which I was listening to all the time, makes me wanna ROFLMAO and goes WTFWTH? almost at every single second of it. Familiar terms like GSS, Chao, 18siao were used throughout the convo. Heh. You can bet I was having this really odd sense of nostalgia.

Law boy, Lai Hock aka Nichol just seemed to be enjoying his own set of trance and narcissistic Ming just couldn't stop bragging and boasting about his contributory traits and attributes towards to the society and the economy. And so this went on...

Heh. It's a fun filled exciting night for the sixth month of the year. I guess I should head down to Tampines to mug more often. It's not like everyone gets to blog on this isn't it?



Caffeine... Cigarettes... Law books... Casino Notes.

Inspirational. His very own set of mind, his way of handling and coping with tacky personal issues... you really wish you could be half like him. You would really love to meet him, you would really wish to give him your full attention and just listen to what he has to say. If I ever decide to write a novel, he would be the story.

The night went on... Been taught valuable truths and some simple philosophies which I should have registered long ago.

Stupid Chrissy.

She had been living in her delusional world. Blinded by a sheer mere word called love, or be it obsession, she had long forgotten the rules of the game. She had been a strong believer in love, she hopes she can be a stronger believer in herself. She was capable of loving someone, she had forgotten to attend to her own emotional needs. Through these two years, she had been blinding herself. She had thought she was happy. But, happiness cannot be achieved when loving yourself comes as the second priority.

It's time she sucks the facts all laid out right in front of her eyes in and start picking herself up. Be it a crawling manner, somehow she is aware that she has to do it herself.

I am on my own now.

Lips of an angel - Nichol.

Men are cheap bastards.

They only think about two things all the time.
1) Fun. 2) Sex.
In fact, sex is part of fun.

They will do whatever to get what they need.
After they use it, they just discard it and don't pay anymore attention to it.
That explains why boys' room are messier than girls'.

So you gotta give them what they want sometimes, but not always.
You have to have value. Make them want you.
No matter how much you want them.

Curb your emotions for emotions are just emotions.
Emotions can propel you to do great things and bad things, but emotions are nothing substantial in life because the world only judges you based on the things you do, not the way you feel.

inordinate arousal of morbid interest in death.

Well, sorry that the title of this blog sounds goth. I am just taking a short (perhaps long?) cigarillo break from all those notes and I can't think of any better title to put except for my exact feeling right now.

God damn notes. Why do I, in the first place took up casino management? I never like to gamble. I just used to like to watch "Las Vegas". Heh. I guess I just have to suck every thing in and bear myself through it all. And on the day of my accounting paper, I am seriously contemplating to burn all the notes, turn em into ashes, soak em into water and drink it up! I may end up having a stomachache. But this is the very last resort and I am on my wits end. Desperately.

I cried and cried and cried for the whole of today. No idea why I did. I guess I just got hurt once again by the same man who hurt me 3 months ago - Bennett. Only he has the power to bring me down. What an influential powerful man, isn't he? So many men in my life, none has the ability and capability to make me whine and weep like a little girl. So why Bennett? Ever since that fateful day we broke up, we have been meeting up for dinners, for movies, for suppers, for car cruises, for nights over at his place, for scandals to be exact. I just sent him an sms, telling him that we should behave like what break up individuals do. I am really confused. One whole part of me wants him so badly, yearns for him, soul cringing in pain for him. Yet, the other contradicting part of me just wish I've never known him before. The fact that he has changed into someone beyond recognition is scaring the shiat outta me. Precise to be, I should say, it is disgusting me. So I am in love with someone whom I find shamelessly disgusting?

I have a strong hunch that I would go back on that sms and contact him. Heh.

I am always at home nowadays. Besides blogging my feelings, I have nothing much to blog on. That's kinda pathetic I sound like a No Lifer ain't it?

And I ponder so much... Why does Nic always knows it when some thing's happened to me? Could he be my long lost twin? But we don't look bitsy alike at all! I never have to mutter more than one sentence, and he would go, "What's wrong..?" He had me at Hello. He had me at Hello~! Ahhh!!!