inordinate arousal of morbid interest in death.

Well, sorry that the title of this blog sounds goth. I am just taking a short (perhaps long?) cigarillo break from all those notes and I can't think of any better title to put except for my exact feeling right now.

God damn notes. Why do I, in the first place took up casino management? I never like to gamble. I just used to like to watch "Las Vegas". Heh. I guess I just have to suck every thing in and bear myself through it all. And on the day of my accounting paper, I am seriously contemplating to burn all the notes, turn em into ashes, soak em into water and drink it up! I may end up having a stomachache. But this is the very last resort and I am on my wits end. Desperately.

I cried and cried and cried for the whole of today. No idea why I did. I guess I just got hurt once again by the same man who hurt me 3 months ago - Bennett. Only he has the power to bring me down. What an influential powerful man, isn't he? So many men in my life, none has the ability and capability to make me whine and weep like a little girl. So why Bennett? Ever since that fateful day we broke up, we have been meeting up for dinners, for movies, for suppers, for car cruises, for nights over at his place, for scandals to be exact. I just sent him an sms, telling him that we should behave like what break up individuals do. I am really confused. One whole part of me wants him so badly, yearns for him, soul cringing in pain for him. Yet, the other contradicting part of me just wish I've never known him before. The fact that he has changed into someone beyond recognition is scaring the shiat outta me. Precise to be, I should say, it is disgusting me. So I am in love with someone whom I find shamelessly disgusting?

I have a strong hunch that I would go back on that sms and contact him. Heh.

I am always at home nowadays. Besides blogging my feelings, I have nothing much to blog on. That's kinda pathetic I sound like a No Lifer ain't it?

And I ponder so much... Why does Nic always knows it when some thing's happened to me? Could he be my long lost twin? But we don't look bitsy alike at all! I never have to mutter more than one sentence, and he would go, "What's wrong..?" He had me at Hello. He had me at Hello~! Ahhh!!!