Looking back

As 2014 draws near, I can't help but to get a little melancholic looking and thinking back of the past year. Partly because the period is about due soon, I find myself having emotional issues that I can find no reason for. The expectations I have of everyone around me don't match what I've been provided with and this makes me feel terrible inside. And for as long as I've lived, this has been the root of all my unhappiness - I finally realized that all the unhappiness I have been bottling up stemmed from the aforementioned.

I don't remember anything I've done for myself and I don't recall any achievement which I've proudly etched to the wall of fame. Say from apart from the quite useless advanced diploma in business management that I've obtained, there's nothing more I've added to my belt this year.

Vivid enough however, was 25 February where something magical happened and 9 March. And 28 August when my world collapsed. Ever since, I've become quite out of touch with myself. Picked up an obsession with working out and losing it recently due to the festive season. Spending lots of money without having a clear picture of my ROI, pretending to be Paris Hilton and not wanting to finish the last few chapters of 1Q84. The year has gone by in a blur. Most of the time, I had no idea what I was doing.

Actually, it really doesn't matter/hurt anymore. But I don't know why, every time I feel low, I find myself running back to 25 February.

Today, I shared with my colleague that I finally found the reason why fewer women want to give birth these days. The reason: their friends who get married and have babies before they do. Here's why:

• Your married and was once impregnated friend messages you every day to talk about the baby that she has given birth to.
• Every motherfuggin entry these women post on every motherfuggin social media platform is photos of their babies, articles they chance upon somewhere relating to motherhood and babies, and how China is making soup out of fetuses and coating them in batter before throwing them into pots of boiling oil. 

I'm definitely not sore because I'm single and have no babies. I just really want to let you know, if you're one of these girls, that you are annoying. And your baby is just going to be another human being. And just for your info, your vagina has expanded in size by at least three inches after childbirth. Because you're forever talking about the baby, your husband finds your married life revolving around another human being instead of him. Don't let your husband contribute another head count to the rising rate of infidelity and please, cut everyone some slack by knowing the fact that our lives don't have to revolve around your baby. 

Why is everyone having babies?

#shithappens

The people who used to matter a lot to me no longer mean that much now. I needed them in my life but I don't want them now. I think it's impossible to alter the way I function - that when I don't give a fucking fuck about you, you're often labelled as a fucktard in my world.

"I don't fucking give a fucking fuck about you fucktard."

Sometimes, most of the times actually, I find grasping the meaning of everything a seemingly impossible task. Food we eat every day, exercise regime we enthusiastically engage ourselves in just to have a hotter bod, meditation to have a calmer mind and the list goes on. This goes on again and again, matching the rhythm of time. The various rituals we carry out until the day we can no longer don't seem to make life any more meaningful.

Am I the only one who feel this way?

I'm afraid of dying this way.

Maybe one day I'll be able to understand what kind of pain this exactly is - one that has successfully rendered me into running around, seeking solace.

Maybe one day I'll be able to understand how someone can hurt another this way.

But when that day finally comes where I finally see the light, I am certain I won't feel this way anymore.

And that is, I've leapt on to another planet - where unspoken words no longer mean anything, memories are made sere and promises ended up being broken.

The Birth.

It feels brand new every single time.

I am not the brightest star around. Neither do I possess the ability to read deeper than what I possibly could.  One thing I do know for sure, is that the energy which flows between you and me is undeniable, immaculate and pure - that every single time we were brought to a low, we bounce back up higher than before. This is my faith, my belief and I hope you feel the same way.

Interests and similarities knit us - we're two threads put through a needle-hole, destined to weave stories. Your likes and loves are mine, my fancies and objects of adoration are yours. There was never a need to explain or convince for all there has been, was only sharing of thrills and excitement.

You're my soul mate not because I tell you everything. You are one because I don't have to tell you everything.

dEar_gOd, as fondly as I recalled, told me that anyone would have to bleed to cut him. And from the moment onwards, it was etched deeply inside.

A dog that barks doesn't bite. A smart dog that bites won't bother to bark to alert you. The most agonizing kind of pain is one which creeps upon you from behind and hits you hard when you least expect it.

Games are not hard to play at all when you're born to play. It's the abstinence which is hard.
Let us be true to our core.

Whichever I wore, I still return to the core eventually.
Which is me, yours truly.

façade; n 

on the day we met, which one did we wear? 

Alter Ego

to be very honest, i was a lil dejected when you said you felt shit. but a jiffy later, as i was having my mushroom quiche, i realised i couldn't be arsed. is there a reason why i'm getting to you this way? go figure.

and ain't sagi supposed to be optimistic? 

brutal truth here. after all, that's what we are - utterly honest people. 

born too late to say i love you baby.

"Never lie, steal, cheat, or drink. But if you must lie, lie in the arms of the one you love. If you must steal, steal away from bad company. If you must cheat, cheat death. And if you must drink, drink in the moments that take your breath away." - Hitch, 2005

Sulking, I went to the kitchen to fetch myself a glass of water. The day was warm and the ceiling fan was oscillating even when there was no one in the living room. The kitchen in this house has always been the dimmest room. The windows are blocked by opposing windows of the master bedroom and no direct sunlight could possibly infiltrate unless light starts to travel in awkward curved lines. I picked up the pitcher and began filling up this glass of mine which looks like an inverted triangle. I had bought it a couple of months ago because the shape’s interesting. Not saying it actually resembles a triangle. It’d be odd, no glass I’ve seen that actually has sharp corners. But enough about the glass.

I’ve been unhappy. I am unhappy with my current life. If the fortune teller who I visited three years ago wishes to claim credit for the prophecies he had of me, I will bestow him a trophy. I had gone to him that day because I was nervous about my career switch. The superstitious façade of mine had wanted to know if that was a wise choice.

Taking my right palm in both his hands on that Tuesday in 2010, he had carelessly (he didn’t actually spend a lot of time studying my palm lines) skimmed through whatever was there and said;

“You won’t be happy working. You are not cut out to work. You won’t be happy until you reach 40. You will meet someone in the future who you will love deeply but he is not going to reciprocate. During this time, it’s advisable you keep your friends around you. Otherwise you might do something foolish.”

The optimist in me argued with him as he muttered;

“That’s right. I will never be happy working for someone else because I think I’m better off running my own business. Or, I could marry a sultan and be a loving wife, full-time housewife and mother to my children. I have already met someone back then who I had loved deeply and he went away. He did reciprocate for a good two years. I have already done something foolish and it was him who sent me to the hospital. No, no friends were around because I had shut all of them out.”

On the last Sunday of July in 2013, I had recalled his words and let them fall in place. Having tried to brush my superstition aside, I questioned the credibility of these words. For everyone around me who understands me well enough, you ought to know by now that my interest in almost everything falters almost as instantly as it sparks. This so explains why I have been a chronic job-hopper because no one industry could keep me in for long. If I could be a surgeon tomorrow, I will, if not for my fear of cutting red meat.

I have a love and hate affair with the way my brain works. I love how I've garnered praises on my creativity and my ability to think out of the box. I love showing off how I can associate everything with anything and make a joke out of anything and everything. At the same time, I hate how my thoughts propagate the way that’s similar to that of an eruption of a volcano where it's seemingly hard for even myself to follow sometimes. First, the dormant side awakens. Processing information in a rather awkward slow motion, the brain digests whatever it could. And with an abrupt acceleration, it ejaculates lava and spits rocks out all in its glory. It’s uncontrollable, destructive and kills everything in its path. The villagers at the foot either die:

1. Being crushed by the falling rocks as they evacuate
2. Having their limbs burned to a state of nothingness by lava which is around 700 to 1250 degrees Celsius and eventually drowned in them
3. Having their windpipes blocked with volcanic ash and eventually suffocate
4. Being trampled over by the entire village when they trip over one of the rocks that has fallen

Now, you might have actually just witnessed how good I am at digressing and letting my imagination run wild. This bears an honest reference to what I had mentioned earlier: that my thoughts propagate not within control. Half an hour ago, I had made up my mind to write something on a serious note. I had poured myself some water in a glass that I had bought a couple of months which resembles an inverted triangle. I had settled down in front of my laptop and made up my mind to write something which is absolutely morbid, pessimistic and dark. Half an hour later now, you’re reading about a volcanic eruption and ways in which the villagers who reside nearby could possibly die.

I'm constantly hopping from one subject to another. Coherence is what I lack in my thoughts, writings and speeches. The biggest irony here is, I was once a top scorer for all my essays in school. 

Till then

I want to see you in this light where I'll be running from afar. And when I finally get to where you are, I'll throw my arms around you and tell you how much I've missed you.

Benjamin.

Fear

All of us have it. It's how we deal with it that counts and speaks strongly about yourself.

26 laps.

Having a smoke right after swimming 26 laps is like having your lungs say to you, "Here, I'm expanded. Go suck more nicotine now." 

What would you do if you were me?

Yesterday is here

March feels far.

A plain white canvas beautifully painted by my own hands. This is my mental landscape. I am the painter. I have been painting what I want to see.

What is it that you see?

Tired.

supercalifragilisticexpialidocious, adj

Have a nice day.

trepidation, n

When I was younger, I told everyone I aspired to be a reader of all good books that were ever written. When I am now, I worry I don't have a big enough bookshelf to contain them.

les feuille mortes

When time pulls us further,

and distance remains the sole connection.

By heart do remember,

that we're under the same sky.

C: "Omg, what happened to you?"

D: "Age."

C: "No, it's not an excuse. How do I look then?"

D: "Fucking hawt." 

/raised a brow

C: "Tell, how do I really look."

D: "Smashing."

C: "What's the agenda?"

D: "We've known each other for very long and we can be totally honest with each other right?" 

C: "Nine years. Yeah."

D: "I had a wet dream about you recently."

Chameleon.

The most prominent trait of mine - possibly - is how I switch from a state of mind to another just with a snap of a finger. I never like to dwell on unhappiness. At the end of the day, we have to ask ourselves what truly matters - the unhappiness or the moments of joy? Got the answer? Now etch it, remember it and focus.

I guess that explains why the tarot card guru said I'm an extremist and an amplified 8. There's never anything in between, there's never grey. It's only black or white. And I live loud.

Life is too short for bad emotions.

I want to travel, see the world, eat, explore new experiences, meet people, establish friendships, do something for the environment and appreciate arts and music. Basically, I just want to be myself. And myself, being a waif wannabe is hoping I have no shackles latched. It'd be a lie to say I don't wish I have a partner I can do these with. I need one who's as optimistic and love life as much as I do.

maybe one day, I'll stop waking up at 5am to cry.

The white rose.

I don't know where I go

But I know I drive alone

Superhero

Looking through my eyes

At the world, can't you see

Every time I see your face

There's a choice to be made

Walking hand in hand

Through the sands of the time

As I peer into the past

Foreign steps are terrorizing

Watching what is now

There's a fork in the path

Of the future of your life

Which road shall you choose?

Choices to be made

Past and present, it's not easy

But my love will let me die

Until your heart resurrects me

*

faith 

is believing that he will eventually come.

Catatonic.

People come and go.

Those who used to matter to you at a certain point of time in your life don't quite mean a thing to you now. Those who used to have the unfathomable ability to send a million thoughts to your head or generate fluttering butterflies in your stomach no longer have the ability to anymore. So it seems. They have all been right all the while. Time is the best remedy for anything. 

And this is a sad thought to behold isn't it?

On the crossroad where two persons might meet and develop mutual attraction in hope for something concrete, paved was hypotheses of hope, faith and belief in something worthwhile that was within easy reach. Something worth waiting for, working towards for. Something worth the time, effort, dedication and pain. But very so often, things don't turn out the way we wanted them to. No matter how much we try to steer the boat, if it doesn't act in accordance with the motion of your hands, count yourself lucky it even budged. 

It's in the human blood that we romanticize the person we wish to be romantically involved with. We dream without a basis, we fantasize without grounds (and without limits), we would like to believe we live alongside Shakespeare and speak romance. 

There are many a few people who you don't wish to let go. And there are so many who you know are harmful to your well-being but find them hard to shake off. The bad memories that come together with these people haunt you the way a horror flick does and yet package themselves in pretty blue boxes topped with a fancy ribbon. But the uproar is, the point is, you find yourself running back to these people only to be dealt with the same hurt, offense, time and time again. And so it seems they really did mention people do deserve second chances and you have been trying to be magnanimous. But how does one handle those who never bother to reflect upon their own moral conduct? Especially when you've been facing one who you are sure is capable of bringing everyone around down in order to portray him/herself in a better light?

I spent my weekend being very still and quiet, letting thoughts race through my mind. I tried to undo certain events but I have come to terms that Hogwarts is never going to send me a letter. I paced two steps backwards and tried to salvage the current predicament that I think I am facing. I'm at an absolute loss for words and next action steps. Then before I knew it, I relapsed into this queer and quiet me, and start to think and feel again. 

Hello Mister. Please to meet ya.

Upon a field of flowers, 

you hummed my favourite tune.

I said, "I'm yours." 

I need to know your face.

Inadequacy

Cupido.

Let's face it. There are cheaters in the world. And just because you don't cheat now, it doesn't mean you won't in the future. Just because (so it seems) your partner is very much in love with you now, it doesn't mean he/she will remain unwavering for-fucking-ever. Well, the reason which triggered the birth of this post is that I stumbled upon this poor girl's tweet that (I am quite positive) was directed at me. For many of my readers (very little actually), you guys would most probably know by now, that I have unknowingly become a third party to a two year long relationship. And yes, they broke up.

To clear things up a little, I am not with the guy. The moment I found out that he's been having a relationship on the sideline, I broke up with him. Of course, being the usual drama queen I am and with much encouragement from the girlfriends, I gave him hell. And I bet everyone would agree that it's the kindest thing I could give him sans a Lionel Messi kick in his balls. 

Back to the tweet. I could have been a tad too sensitive and mistaken her tweet for one that was directed at me but it actually reads:

Fuck you and fuck her too! #fuckinghatecheaters

First and foremost, I am really not surprised that she wants to fuck me (whether physically or verbally). I could really muster the tiniest bit of empathy I have for her and understand why she hates me - why she even hates me. Because it's the very same thing which kept her to him for two fucking years that's blinding her of all the fucking wrongs he has done to her. When time washes everything away, she'd thank me for showing her what kind of arsehole he is. And she'd be grateful she doesn't have to witness the gruesome sight of his dog chewing on his nuts one night when he's asleep. I told y'all, I'm a witch.

I'm not mad. I really am not. I am just lost in a state of puzzlement because I thought I was a victim too. But fuck it. I honestly don't feel anything towards this stint and I do realised he's way out of my league and he should even thank me for having given him this chance. And Mr. Hugemember, if you ever bump into me on the streets, please do not attempt to call out my name and spare me the trouble of giving you a rather cold look thrown over a very cold shoulder. Don't call me, don't text me. Don't write to me, don't send it via pigeon. I'll shoot it.

Happy Valentine's Day all. I hope those who got your heart broken get it pieced right back come a new morrow. And piece it back yourself. Your fucking self. 

Just T & C.

So... This may turn out to be an ordinary Wednesday just like any other but I almost burst into maniacal laughter when Tracy decided to forward me an email that she received at work; 




From:To (MCIL)
To: xxxx.xx@me.com
Date: February 06, 2013 3:30:16 PM
Subject: RE: The BHB Sales Pitch of a "Model" + Blogger and a Great Sample on How to Overcome it

Dear XXX,

Greetings to you.

Im Zy, a Singapore Model + Blogger at
http://zongyi.blogspot.com/


Offering you Marketing Opportunities at my blog!
1. Display of your company's logo/banner:
at the side of my Blog
Direct link to your website
Visible to readers when they enter my blog!
Rate: SGD $5/day


2. My Review on your products/services:
*Feel free to let me try your products or services*
In other words, i'll blog for your products and services,
take professional photos with your products to show that I am promoting your products,
An Example of the quality of professional photos:
http://zongyi.blogspot.sg/2012/09/love-more.html
and give my enthusiastic review.
*Rates: SGD $250 per blog post*

Past examples:
1. http://zongyi.blogspot.sg/2013/01/face-mask-bliss.html?m=1
2. http://zongyi.blogspot.sg/p/past-sponsorsadverts.html?m=1
3. http://zongyi.blogspot.sg/2012/10/get-sexy-now-rawh.html


Feel free to email me for any enquiries at xxx@hotmail.com.

Thank you very much.

_________________________________________________________________________________

C’s very candid reply on behalf of To:

Dear ZY, greetings to you too. thank you for initiating contact.
I'm the marketing executive handling all social media related platforms. I just found out that I'm pregnant and also, I'm not gonna get a promotion this year.
I have been to your blog and seen your photos there. Unfortunately, my computer crashed the moment your photos start to load and sadly, you must have missed a hit to your site visits due to this.
I currently moonlight, with great expertise in Photoshop and I could help edit your photos at a friendly rate of 4 bucks a photo. Because I'm pregnant now and I need the money, I could give you a ten percent off
Please feel free to let me try my professional Photoshop skills on your photos too
Thank you

me: I'm turning 28 this year. but I don't think I behave my age. I think I need to age.
m: so what do you think you should do?
me: I don't know. school's out now. I need to find something to do. maybe I should go back to gaming again.
m: and you were saying a while ago about behaving your age...

Sparky, My Love.

I hope you've lived a life, fulfilled and joyful.

You've been a fighter - real strong after Brownie left us.

Now it's time to go be reunited with Brownie.

Because when God decided to take you (both) away, he knows you'll be happier in a better place.

Mummy loves you.

Sparky

July 2006 - 7th January 2013

Resolute, 2013.

1. Be a nice person. (note I didn't use the word 'nicer')
2. Cultivate patience.
3. Be happy working.
4. Get in shape.
5. Read the 19 unread books sitting on the shelf. And stop buying books.
6. Be a nice person.
7. Be a nice person.
8. Be a nice person and understand that God is not always fair.
9. Be a nice person and understand that I should stay away from intellectually handicapped people (just in case I blow my top at them.)
10. Be a nice person and be nice to myself and Madelia.