I've moved on to my new job.

First day was great. Besides getting to know everyone, the day has been packed with typing... and endless typing. There are only 5 of us in my team including myself - three really experienced ones and another new mate is joining us on this coming Monday. Really nice people! I think I must have been a lil too quiet. Well, I would have to admit this but who would believe? I'm really shy. My laptop isn't here yet; I would have to be stuck with mine for close to a month. And I'm receiving a macbook/pro/air. Currently, I have no stationery on my desk. Sucks.

I miss Simon. He's been really busy doing up this event for the opening of an overseas bank for the past three days. And I think he's a terrific person! He is capable of producing results which I don't think I would be. I hope his job hunt would do him some justice soon.

For the Almighty One, thanks for watching my back. =)

The Eve.

Don't laugh at me, I went for a fortune telling session this morning with Dawn. I am supposed to be incapable of working for the rest of my life; Master (shi fu) had said that whatever I'm going to do, I am not going to be happy. A very wise piece of advice on the eve of work.

Tomorrow is the day which I've been dreaming of. At the sudden request of reebonz, my date of commencement has been brought forward to the 3rd instead of the agreed 8th. Because they have so many events coming up and is seriously short of manpower. Since I am bumming at home, starting work on a Friday sounds ok. But this TGIF is making my heart beat a little faster. I have a good hunch I will be rushing to meet deadlines throughout the weekend.

While having coffee with Simon this evening, I asked him, "Babe, am I really good enough? Why do I feel that I am not good enough now that I've got the job?"

"This is not the right time to be thinking whether or not you are good enough! It's time for you to be thinking about how to live up."

"Why do I feel so lousy about myself suddenly?"

"They hired you. If you aren't good enough, why would they?"

"Perhaps because I am good at acting and bragging to others how good I am?"

Can I pray to God still when I just went to a chinese fortune teller?

My Concerns.

Finally, a breakthrough! What seemed like a very exciting proposal dawns into a series of concerns, worries, and of course, the meter in the stress level bar hits a half ding-dong!

Am joining Reebonz as their fashion writer. How glamourous and how nice! It is definitely one of the many which I have been dreaming to do. I've been checking out their website every day and have been trying to apprehend their writing style and in hope of getting a better grip of it. Psst. Am I really good enough?

Work is commencing on the 8th because they are in the midst of shifting and are setting up my laptop. Hmmm. Will be at Paya Lebar (Tai Seng to be exact). So peeps who are reading this and happen to work around this area, we could do a meet up!

I have a lot to say. But from where do I begin? I have no idea. As queer as the weather these days, from the never-ending splatter of rain on my window panes to the sudden outburst of blinding sun rays, the tidal waves inside began to roar again. With age, I have become greedier. I am no longer able to seek complacency from things which used to complete, or seemed to.

Life still daunts. The thought of living it makes me want to hide under my covers. It's a whole lot of stress chasing pavements, yet I know I have to advance. Is this, my life, meant to be savored this way?

16th September 2010,

I became S's.

Still am.

And I'm glad.

Because I haven't felt this way for a long time.

In fact, better.

Incidents of new embarkments happen all the times. It is fear which nevertheless, never fails to prevent us, the ourselves from taking first steps when how ironically this is, after all our very own life journey. How we can be such hinderance to ourselves, and who we really want to be.

We could pretend we do indeed own everything. And so often, I feel that this 'everything' which manage to get me by through each day, is as hollow as a bone. I wasn't created to care a great deal about a lot of things, and yet this armor of normality just needs me to.

Having to leave again suggests such unspoken pain of leaving behind yet a few relationships I've established in the recent couple of years. I might just turn back and look on from a distance, wondering about the 'what ifs' and start pinning yearns. Or I might just leave without ever turning back to look at this long shadow which trails silently behind. I really do appreciate the so much everyone has given me, the routes which I've been guided to follow. And through guidance, I've managed to emerge as someone stronger and wiser. This is something priceless.

I do not ever wish to look back, and realized that on the 26th year of life, I haven't been able to achieve something greater.

I hate you, mother. Because you are so weak, and I'm strong, I will never succumb to your way of life. I will never ever be the person you want me to be. And I assure you I will never ever become you. If you don't respect others, no one will to you.

pears and dreams with t rex.

"don't be mad at me.."

LMAO!

pray tonight,

there'd be a rainbow

carrying a shooting star,

so you can make a wish upon.

I was involved in a road accident last night.

No, I didn't fly.

No, it wasn't Ain's fault.

No, my iPhone 4 survived.

Yes, I'm typing this in Hell.

The sky's the limit.

My name is C.

I didn't just happen to have this name out of pure coincidence.

Nor did I give it to myself.

I was born with it.

And no way am I going to die, just like anybody - a nobody.

I want to leap onto the moon.

I've decided to rid the butterflies because I somehow don't really feel comfortable with them.

Yet another day of humdrum existence. I have been living a monotony for the entire day. Nothing seems to thrill or send a upbeat to my insides. I woke up as commanded by my bio clock. And besides reading up a little, watching Nat Geo a little, did the laundry, I had let today while itself away like it should. A few too many times, I've dozed off on the couch. Only to be awaken to nothingness again. As stoic as it is, this is never a cup of my tea.

Thought of going out alone to take some pictures. But with the weather pouring and all, staying indoors seems like the clearer better option.

Doesn't my life revolve around something else besides work, guinea pigs, books, lomography, booze, family and friends? I am so inadequate! Something is missing. My mojo is! I need to work on a change. Any adoption of another attitude is good. I just need a breakthrough.

I dislike this feeling of a walking dead. My jokes are getting colder, everyone around me is boring me one way or another. Meeting repetitive people and talking repetitive talks. "I think I need a boyfriend Dawn." "No, you don't. You just need to go out with your friends." Is this true? That after hanging out with someone for quite some time, both of you somewhat drain yourselves out of topics? And the only common topics which used to hold both together will eventually evolve to differences which will inevitably intervene both? Ideas and opinions are such tricky businesses. Especially when obstinacy and adamance play such omnipresent parts.

As I age, why does it seem tougher than before, to get closer to someone? Could a guarded heart be the cause? Could naiveness be a fundament to trusting? Is it impossible for all to take me as guilelessly as they could because I am quite aware that if I bestow you my friendship, I am never too selfish on my sincerity. Then again, do not reproach me for not being trusting, because being trusting and sincere are two wholly different matters.

"...all of the world's misfortunes stemmed from the countless untruths, both deliberate and unintentional, which people told because of haste and carelessness."

*

You,

me,

how special could we be,

if we hadn't got you and me.

Glee

I don't watch tv. So when I said a serial is good, it means it's damn good. And it has to be Glee. I ain't even this mad over South Park. Why I love Glee:

• There's someone whom I would really want for a boyfriend - Puck (Mark Salling)
• There's lotsa dancing
• There's lotsa singing
• There's music (All genres and it's awesome!)
• It ain't draggy
• It makes me laugh
• It makes me cry (especially so bad, when they didn't win sectionals)

And now I couldn't imagine one night without watching a new episode of Glee. So while waiting for season 2 to be out, I am going to re-watch season 1.

This is called the Glee Syndrome. Everyday, fucking four hours of sleep. And super hectic work schedule with absolutely no time for a breather. Now they are asking me to Butter Factory. God.

Why am I getting so popular these days? Lol.

"You know what I'm looking forward to? My so very hot next boyfriend, with a bod as crazy as Salling's, romantic, smooth, intelligent, deep, funny, and the crazy sex we're going to have. Lol."

Neon lights, tell me about it someone.

I reckon Movida is the only place where you can find practically everyone there, all ethnic groups, men and women from all sizes, heights, with different body odour. Most of them smell like shat there. Standing in front of the bar at the back, I felt like I was having a graphic motion picture of a circus, with clowns not in their usual outfits and wigs. But nevertheless, funny, hilarious and tummy rumbling. One girl danced as if she has got ants on her body. So I laughed, and I kept laughing.

I was wearing sandals with a tee layered with a sheer dress looking thing and so were the other girls wearing sandals. We were not dressed up for clubs, but thank god, we all have gotten a pretty face, the counter staff decided to let us in. Now, that's not true.

We tried to re enter at Powerhouse. It was a shittish feeling because everyone around us looked as if they were barely legal. Youngsters around, doing things I used to do, talking on top of their lungs, sleeping outside the entrance, quarreling, blah blah blah. Then, we gave up on the never moving queue because I didn't manage to see any Mark Salling lookalike. And went back to Movida, the place for the old and the fucked up clubbers.

We parked at the round bar adjacent to the entrance, this short and stout humpty dumpty came up to me and asked me for a dance, I shoved him away by doing such a rude gesture that upon the recollection of it now, I think I could have been slapped across the face. No, I didn't gave him the finger, put your right hand in front of you, pretend you're shoving someone away. That's that. And fuck the crowd, for dancing so badly. This group of chinese girls who went up to the stage just to scream and bent a little should be tied to the trees outside.

Movida, you suck. I have no idea why your clubbers seem to have more trouble coordinating their arms and legs together than wherever I've seem em from. I really can't seem to find someone who's at least a decent groover. And I thank God for being so unfair to em, because he made me someone who's a ownage at dancing. I thank God for giving me such a great voice too. I thank God for giving me straight hair, decent facial features, and I thank God for not making me stupid. Okay, since these are what I can list down about myself, which I nevertheless think they should rightfully belong to a category which I believed it's called "pros", I strongly believe I'm going to grow old and die alone.

How I got fucked today? The moment I got onto the train, I started reading, and strapped on my iPod. The moment realization struck, I was at Bishan. From Orchard to Cityhall, then from Cityhall back to the Orchard route again. Fugged. Fugged x570284707 times. How cock can I get.

I'm still waiting for my confirmation letter from M1. Where the fuck is my iPhone?

Mark Salling

If you look like this, and you can/are:

Sing,

Dance,

Very Intelligent,

Speaks good english,

I WANT YOU!

Great Expectations.

Equipped with nothingness on hands except for time, I'm attempting to write something of absolute surrealism which of course, makes no sense, to some that is.

When the rain came almost abruptly this early morning, strong winds were howling at their loudest. And like a romantic, I stood where I stood, when everyone was fast asleep, I lit up a cigarette in the midst of it all. I felt the winds vigorously sweeping through the gaps of my fingers, every strand of my hair. I felt complacent at the thought of the sight of me standing under the sky before it rained. The crimson skies on me, my feet on the ground, everything which I was unsure of myself came to a realization again. That me, was such a love, and I do love myself, and it's not anyone's fault that they don't, because they do not know me. Or perhaps, like what some has said, that I'm too hard to fathom in order to be loved. I will not forget this moment.

The almost touching lips, you could have been much more than a dream. Alas, you are a reality, but a reality which I could not hold onto. Because my ticking minutes are precious, and we do not and won't walk well on each's path. So I have to bid you goodbye here, once again. Let it be another three years if it shall cost. Your simplicity interests me, at the same time, it bores me. I can't understand the complexity within your portray of simplicity. That, I do not say you are not bright. That I meant, perhaps not my field of studies, neither my league to love. I didn't wish to kiss you, because I was unsure what would have come after just one kiss. I need someone more, someone whom quite a lot thinks like me, functions more logically than me. That I've yet to known any, who is capable of protecting myself from me.

I feel as if I have so much to do, on a more noble note for this world instead, all the times.

Very so often, the life of an artist is short-lived. Their emotions were often over intense that loving themselves evolved to a submission to their own fantasies and indulgence in their own emotions - narcissism, depression, rather than caring for their basic needs - the human touch with people, behaving like a normal moral being, and think like one.

You can always read me like a book, but I would never tell you that to completely understand this book, you would have to observe the spine first. That again, is perhaps another forte of mine, lying.

I want to dress up for the winter;

and listen to the silence,

where snowflakes fall on a hot stove,

in a whim, it burns,

-alluring.

Perfect.

My solitude is perfect.

When I'm alone,

just being me,

shines.

At least, that's what I think.

=)

Carpe Diem.

One thought which came to my mind this morning was, "Fuck, I think I ran out of cigarettes". I seriously have no idea how I managed to pull through a month (I give credit to my inner strength) of not smoking. Smokers are cool people, because we do not actually use the fact that we're non-smokers and feel a hypothetical superiority over smokers. That's for you the non-smokers and always kpkb-ing about us, smokers. We are paying more taxes than you, so shut the fuck up. Below is a list of activities which I strongly feel cigarettes should always play a part in.

Clubbing

How can you drink and not smoke at the same time? Have you ever seen someone sipping vodka and running on a threadmill simultaneously?

Coffee

The another which I cannot fathom why cigarettes shouldn't be involved. How the fuck do you sit around starbucks all day with one or two friends, yakking non stop and not smoke? Don't go telling me how the coffee and cigarettes are going to stain your teeth. Because as of now, my teeth are so pretty and white compared to most of the non smokers around me. What I'm trying to convey is, if you happen to be a little aesthetically handicapped inside your mouth and you aren't a smoker, then you should really reflect.

Mugging

Enough said, I would rather be smoking while mugging than to feast on snacks.

After sex

This is crucial - the first smoke after you got your orgasm. This is ritualistic because nicotine has the ability to calm your nerves down. Or if your partner behaves like a dead fish on bed, having a smoke after, gives you 10 minutes to decide whether or not to dump her.

Suntanning

The sun, the sand, the sea, the ice cold beer, the cigarettes. Enough said.

Does not smoking actually makes one healthier? Is smoking really associated with cancerous diseases? I have so many relatives who passed on because of some cancer shit, and they don't smoke. Not smoking doesn't actually prolong your life and not all who died of cancer smokes. If you're fucked up, not smoking does not make you any better.

I am not trying to be discouraging if you're quitting smoking. For the non-smokers who accepted the way we smokers choose to lead our own damn lives, you're just alright the way you are. Don't be some cultural baby and go around dissing the smokers. And for the globe lovers, don't go around disseminating that smoking does aid on the damaging of the ozone layer. This is fucking hilarious. Please compare the size of a fucking stick to one industrial chimney. I use a recycle bag whenever I shop and I smoke, what does it make me?

Now a note to us, the smokers. Don't be rude and go blow in someone's face. I assure you that the only blow which won't piss them off, is a blowjob. Please stay pretty while smoking, don't go behave like some lousy ah lians. Please refer to Audrey Hepburn in Breakfast at Tiffany's. Do not act cool and flick butts wherever you go please. How I remain fine-free till now? I play by the rules.

Life is really short to be refraining from everything. You would never know when a major flood decided to hit Singapore and kill all of us. Why can't we all live the way we want for ourselves and quit being cultural-fed? =)

*chrissy is 25, and she has been smoking for 12 years. An average of 7 sticks per day, she still has her teeth intact, white and very nice. She has no wrinkles yet. Her fingernails are always very pretty because she bothers to take care of them. As for her lungs, they are still proven to be functioning quite properly whenever she hits the dance-floor. If you have never seen the way she dance, you can ask around.

I feel really sorry for every nasty I've said.

Before I deleted every fucking photo of yours, I had this epiphany.

It really hurts me to hurt you this way, but because this is how you hurt me, I will cut myself just to make you bleed.

Basement Jaxx - Romeo

/totally adore this song.

All The Above.

I'm going to get back to what I was before, and even better this time around.

So I've decided, to join California Fitness!

Just watch how I'm going to transform to such splendor that if you look at me, you would even feel like crying. Okay. Perhaps this is exaggerating, just let me, hush!

This fitness consultant (who was kinda hot himself) told me I still look great now! =D (of course please!)

Bye bye chocolates, ben & jerry's and cheezels! Hello, me, lotsa honeys and money! I won't even care how empty I might feel at the end of every night, why should I if it's a Chanel I'm hugging to sleep?

So just let the losers be amongst the losers, I shan't even bother or give a second look.

Notes for the day

"She looks as if someone just shat on her face." - Dylan *I laughed out loud*

"Is your bf dead already?" -Aisha Reds *very*

And which bitch? Me. I'm the bitch you should be afraid of. Because when I'm determined to do something, I go all out to achieve it, whichever way at my convenience.

This is my ego, and I'm letting it speaks, for now and as long as you would remember me.

"There's something different about you now."

"Age, I guess. Stopped competing with the super hot chicks."

Ahhh...

Maybe it's time to shine again. ;)

Just revert to three years back, and perhaps I will have the whole world again.

If I give myself what I want,

I will be different.

I know.

Attacked.

Behind this beautiful mask, is perhaps a wrecked mind, which needs help but too afraid to seek.

-

seeing stars oh so glittery,

like shame filled with glisten

flutter around the wings of a butterfly,

that's a beautiful mind for you

say its beautiful but fucked up,

but if it wasn't, how do you see it as beauty

if every is just of norm

is this how beauty should stand out

we, the strangers dance by the killing moon

falling into danger now and so often

we, who let our hearts be opened,

let you in it, makes it solvent

kills me blindly,

makes me breathless

makes me see stars

and want to love you more than ever.

New Born.

I had a rather queer conversation with someone whom I don't really know. I do not mean I am anti social or stuck up (perhaps, most of the times) but it's really queer because I do not understand why would someone even want to make such minor effort over me, which is a nobody as of right now.

"Which are you more comfortable with, English or Chinese?"

"I do both."

"No no, you tell me which one. So it's easier for me to converse with you in the future."

(in my mind, "hmm? we hardly ever need to talk actually.")

"I really am okay with both. -smiles-"

Actually, more English than Chinese, really.

Okay. Dylan says he's going to get me a birthday present and I shan't even tell him what to do.

Let's just see! Don't even think of running! I will chase!

Summerboy.

Is my life a screw up still? Say, apart from sleeping around, sleeping behind one's back, apart from the druggies, apart from senseless drinking, why do I feel that it's still inadequate? I'm striving to attain another level higher when I know this level is going to leave me craving for more. In fact, greedier than ever. Is there anything wrong with my moral upbringing? Or is it just in me? Tsk. Something to reflect on. Something is wrong with me, must be.

I have an ego loud enough to be seen, and a void not vivid enough to be understood.

Why are the summer rainy?

And the December sunny?

But it's all good,

because I adore the weather.

As much as December

when it's not sunny.

Last year's,

thank you des.

This year's,

Thank you, me.

I love Fashion!

Latest prized collection:

Denim Bomber Jacket (intends to wear with leggings, Shasha suggests white shorts)

Skull scarf vest (goes with ANYTHING!)

-

Yay! Basement Jaxx for the fashion you!

One person told me that I'm a lambo, argumentatively, someone prefers me to be a vintage VW beetle. I'm either a tramp or a prude. Paradox indeed.

For the record, I have managed to pay off my credit card bills and mobile's. Not to mention, my monthly contribution to the household, and guess what? I realize I still have some money for the air ticket to BKK in October! Please babes, let us settle the air tickets before I start shopping again. It's really agonizing for me to reject the urge to step into Zara. This year's E.O.S shall be the first which I do not buy anything from Marc by Marc Jacobs. But how about the navy blue dress which I really fancy from us? How about the bag from Kate Spade? Birthday presents anyone please?

Am going shopping with the beauties tomorrow to guess where? Far East Plaza. How unlikely! But if this is the only way which we can shop to satisfy our desires to own more, then let this be the only place where we shop at. Thank God and Amen.

I'm going for a new change, which is, I shan't pile up more clothes to even attempt to snap my clothes rack now. Like what mom had commented, I have only one body, two boobs, one week has only seven days, and I'm not a caterpillar, why is that I have so many clothes and shoes? Hmm... Perhaps I shall start splurging on bags instead.

Now let's do a quick run,

• Marc Jacobs pouch
• Marc by Marc Jacobs sling bag (Miss Marc - courtesy of Desmond Wai)
• Marc by Marc Jacobs (small tote)
• 2 Longchamp le pliage
• Marina Rinaldi (cruise bag)
• DKNY canvas (beach bag, which is really dirty now)
• DKNY clutch (which is oh so Valentino)
• 2 from Diesel
• Goyard (psst)
• Marni
• D&G (oh so punk rocker sling)
• Club Monacco (patent leather document bag)

Okay, perhaps not.

Blue Monday.

A rapture of thoughts propelled me to even start this but it's not a cakewalk to piece every fragments of broken emotions together as of right now. So just bear with me, and read me as much as you can.

Rain, come. Because you're silently beautiful in your own way. And I need your beauty to do me grace tonight.

If life is about a series of counting downs, I wonder whether am I counting down to the end of a span of misery or happiness. What I've learnt through a series of unfortunate events and misfortunes which managed to befall on people around me, is that putting on a brave front most of the times make me a happier person. Vexatious it is, alas, what do I do? I emailed Nichol my concerns, and he told me that being thoroughly immersed in it, he enjoys the feeling. Should I address this as a pretense? Or would it be an act of strength? I don't know, and all I know, is I don't care.

I love my hobby. I love toys in some sense. And the upkeep of it is sure not cost effective. If it's a miserable amount of money to spend monthly in exchange for my tiny pangs of happiness, I don't see any reason why I should disapprove of myself. At least when I'm fully into it, I know I am complacent for that moment.

Rain. You are approaching, I hear you. Why won't you do me some grace?

I can't think. And I don't wish to. The only thing which I should most probably think right now, is how to make myself so desirable, that even a blind could tell my ugly from my beauty. I do not lie, we are in love with our own sins most of the times.

I want to rant!

This is it! ENOUGH!

One more time.

I'm such a good friend I only emailed Nichol one week after his birthday.

I finally finished my first roll today! And shame to LSM for even asking me how are the photos.

I love Ann Siang Road! And this little park in the midst of everything, out of nowhere. I saw people taking photos of their Blythe Dolls and it reminded me of someone :(.

Dear God, why is there a pin on my heart?

-

One main omnipresent concern with moving forward has to be fear. Another beginning of a new phase will suggest necessarily adjustments and not to mention, changes. A whirlwind which changes direction, most of the times, we find ourselves caught and lost in it. At night when everything is all quiet and dark, we find ourselves sleeping to the ghost of whoever once slept beside - a haunting indeed.

Ugly girl smoking hatred in her fabulous

Superhero Me.

I'm duper lazy to dress up these days. I've been throwing on anything which first caught my eyes the moment I opened up my closet for the past few days. And why is it that I've been buying new clothes every month, without fail (mind you), and it seems to me that I'm always running out of stuffs to wear? Not only that, shoes, even. I have perhaps close to or more than fifty pairs of shoes, and it seems like they are never enough! A pair for whichever occasion or whichever outfit! So I went online and found this:

The blue and the nude look hot. Should I even think of buying another pair? When I have more than five pairs of shoes, left untouched, sitting nicely in my shoe cabinet?

I then went on to Zana, Garbage Dress, in hope to get some inspiration for what to wear tomorrow. It evolved to my stumble upon this website and I found this really, really me:

Sighs, wtfucka. And look at this:

Cute eh? It's actually a pair of leggings which gives you the illusion you're actually wearing only a pair of smoothies. Smoothies, yes, in other words, biker shorts. Thanks Reds for filling me out the other day.

/whines and makes a lot of noises

Vanilla Twilight

"No dignity and no pride. All she's left with is a psychotic mind that needs some real help. She can make him do many things, but one thing she cannot do, is make him tell her he loves her - without lying." -Lorraine

I stole the above from Lorraine's blog. Oh god, I'm such a thief. I think I stole a little of everyone's freedom, as being accused today. Apparently, this world is full of crazies. And I perhaps, happen to be one of them.

Today is a motherfucking Friday. Because it is going to be another day of staying at home, even though I don't have to work. And as of right now, the men around me, are a bunch of bores without much intellectual stimulation. So typical are them, I would rather talk to the wall or hang myself by the window.

The weather today is so beautiful. And sadly, Melvin has to book in for his guard duty - no possibilities of finishing my first roll. LSM assured me that films do decompose.

Faith.

I don't care where we'd end up;

I just know I want to go there with you.

And begin again.