Interlude

While she strode across the room, she was of no presence to anyone. The day was slowly giving way to another night of perhaps, mundane. Bent over at her favorite author, she recklessly took out the books which were available. She looked nervous, you could tell. And you know she's pretending to be still outside her cringing insides.

What both of them didn't know was that they are going to have their paths crossed again today.

He didn't think too much of this place. All he needed was some air conditioned comfort away from this heat. It was too much of a heat for a year coming to an end. He seated himself with a clear view of everyone in the room. A child sucked on her lollipop with her mother beside; her face was a blank. People at the nearby cafe were talking on top of their lungs, but no one seemed to be bothered by the din.

They have long forgotten about the pain they left in each other...

And as if, fate has a wicked sense of humor, she threw herself down opposite of him. Their eyes had once again, met and locked, after 3 years...

I'm a Chase.

My mental well-being was at stake. And like what we've always said, nothing and no one else matters as much as ourselves. I may sometimes appear to be really quiet. And that is because I am always trying to lessen the magnitude of my emotions outburst. Because after all, I am well aware that I am a very emotional person. But remember this, when I am attack, I definitely will retaliate.

Do not wish to insult or put down anyone in my god damn life because if I do, I am no better. I have seen all these when I was so god damn younger. And sadly, have to do it over and over again because that's how mankind likes to function. Maybe because, I am very normal after all.

Things ended up being so ugly, and neither any one of us could have prevented it. Anyone can hate me out there, not as if I do not hate myself any lesser for not being strong enough to control the way things turned out. Cruelty was what I received for the past week and because of my ever-shouting ego, I just had to put down someone's ego. I knew for sure, which direction those messages would have gone. I am, indeed, quite a thinker. Because if I am not, I won't end up in a psychiatric ward. I am not proud of it, I swear.

Nichol said it worries him that I am fully aware of my incompetence in handling my emotions.

*claps

Melvin did a very imaginative thing by drawing a blue box on the cover of "The Little Prince". He said that in another story, the blue box was used for time traveling. I then went on to imagine about a house on a hill, facing the ocean with no doors. Just cream colored curtains and a red bricked roof. The waves will sing you to sleep every night and the breeze will gently brush you awake every morning. Sunrise to keep you company over a happy breakfast and sunset to warm you and your love.

iTunes: "Des'ree - Kissing you"

P.S It is never my ability to hate anyone. This is just the way I am - silly. If I were to hate you, it'd mean I have never loved you. Which is definitely what you are doing now. You do not fathom. I do not insult myself. There are never true colors to a person, because we are always in a transition and so as long as there are epiphanies around.

There's no such thing as it's in your bones.

Maybe one day I'll learn how to hate.

-

You said, Love.

Do you remember?

You say, Hate.

Both extremes,

thus,

the in-coexistence.

Love,

do you measure it?

What as gauge?

Logical?

It is never.

Never is the word for you.

Lesbian Killer Vampires.

Classic. This morning I realized I have rashes all over my both arms.

Commuted to work and saw yet another classic. A pair of elephant legs wearing really short sailor skirt with high cut converse which the laces could not even be done for the top two holes. Seated at my eleven o'clock, I have not much of a choice but to stare at them because they were really attention seeking. I mean, really, there's no wrong about being confident and all, but hey? If your legs were just thicker than the usual, it's alright. But imagine! Total elephant can? If Deshole was still around, he'd laugh his fake balls off too. I inherited the art of criticizing strangers from him. Do not blame me for being this unlearned. And no, I am not spreading rumors about him. He's just this way. So adorable right.

My blog is getting so boring without pictures. =(

I've asked my besties to tanning this saturday to hook up random guys just to while a little time. I've officially declared my negligence towards my guinea pigs. And I swear upon my balls I will have their burrow cleaned by next Monday. Monday is the deadline or Tuesday I'll have no balls.

Dawn (my Scorpio sister) said based on a research done by a bunch of left handers, lefties die younger compared to righties because they are always using righties' equipments. She's a left hander. She finally realized that I have lost weight. I am so uber happy now because she hasn't just seen me for two days and she can see the differences. God, I feel a little tinier now and I yearn to be as tiny as a pea. But not my boobies. Thank you.

God I am so tired and I have to wake up for this stupid meeting tomorrow. Why!

I received an email from Nic and it made me smile although he sounded like he's typing a litigation document.

This afternoon I had a wicked thought, I thought of giving names for the boyfriends which I have really fancied before and this is the list. I mean no offense, ex boyfriend if you're reading this. Just for my own laughs okay.

1. Benstard (Bennett)

2. Aloyshit (Aloysius)

3. Deshole (You know. I can't type his name right now)

I've formed the word B.A.D. GOSH! It's an unsuspecting omen which I have failed to see!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! /happy

standing on, moving still.

I threw 3/4 of a hundred on books today. The feeling was awesome. No longer had to be nagged for buying books.

I sent an email to Nichol updating him about my recent on-goings, not remembering how busy his hectic schedule could get and felt really bad afterwards.

I went to facebook and saw jokes of my life. I really have to applaud adults these days. I myself may be one classic joke, but perhaps still, not so much of them.

I called Tracy and told her, she said she's going to enjoy the jokes with Jerry over some ice cream. And Jerry will sure laugh his balls off. She commented that my english has suddenly gone back to the standard it was before.

Yippies.

Jae was so nice to take me out today.

Who's afraid now?

I do not have a guilt conscience to live with for the rest of my life.

It always takes the two hands to clap when it comes to a relationship. For my most recent one, it was as good as a whole opera which came to an end, the whole hall applauded. So many people were involved, and it rhymes as good as the tragic Romeo and Juliet play, involving Capulet and Montague and cousin Mercutio had to die too.

I have a lot of resentment and anger within myself. And by reading more and more, I start to extinguish the raging fumes. Yvonne always chided me for having immature boyfriends who are younger than me. I had one four years senior, and? No comparison intended. But, I told Bennett this, "a lesser man than you when you were only twenty." Yvonne still hates Bennett, I wonder why. Haha.

I was never an unsecured person. I guess an evolution of a relationship has the abilities to turn someone into another person. Moving on is a fresh feeling. I feel cleaner now. It was a horrible relationship which I cannot breathe/voice freely. And I look forward to finding the feeling which I had when I first found that idiot.

This time around, unless I have that overwhelming feeling again, I will not just settle for less.

With thanks to Aeryn who helped me so much even though she agrees that those were my follies.

I was admitted to a psychiatric ward. It didn't scare the hell out of me even when the extraordinary ones were shouting and screaming and banging things in the middle of the night. Just felt that the people there were real, in fact, more real than anyone that I've known. They were at least, not pretentious at all. And I perhaps was the only one who was trying to pretend when I was in there - I do not wish to hurt my mother nor my sisters. I peered out of my window to the world outside whenever I laid awake. Crickets multiplied themselves at night, do you know?

I am Chrisma. It's my real name. I have made friends with the crazies recently, and had realised that there are crazier people out there in the real world.

Grace.

I don't wish to lie, but a lie can help save someone from pain.

I do not understand why, but for you,

I'll lie to the world.

I drive alone.

I had a last look at the photo sitting comfortably on my table. Took it out, hesitated and finally tore it from center down.

I looked at myself in that photo, dated 2.3.2009, I look like I was in glow.

I had a look at myself in the mirror, I look ugly now.

The profile picture on my facebook looks like a stranger to me.

I took out the red book, and wrote a goodbye message. I didn't mean to keep it, it will be send out to him in a matter of time. Because I do not wish to harbor anything not mine at all.

I had a flashback of memories, they seem like they didn't take place at all.

I had a pop of two pills, I know I will be needing them sooner or later.

He's dead. Never coming back. I've understood and registered.

So I told myself that I do not love the one in front of me.

If I can walk away from Aloysius, I can for anyone else.

Goodbye.

You are free.

So am I.

Curtains close.

My blog, My speech, Me.

My readers, My 'bonds' who stand by me no matter how/what I bitch about anyone - thank you.

The bunch of sleazebags, a 'natural' act of spontaneity, wide-eyed vividness, and I'm always in the wrong. Browsed the photos time and time again, sleazebags still. Me in the wrong still. Angels are they, devil is me. I don't mean anything compared to a two week long so called bond. Angers everyone when I tell 'em. One super act kind sleazebag pretended to be concern, by simply bringing me down, assuming I have less friends, in order to bring herself up (because she has a lot of friends?) LOL?

You Miss Tan here, fyi, in case you ever get to see this (I perhaps shall make sure you do), sad to disappoint you, I don't know why I have so many male friends as compared to femme ones. I guess you could ask Dawn Yang or Nira why. And why I don't always hang out with my male friends because I care a great deal about my relationship and I don't ever want to make my other half feel lesser. And I always make sure I do not lead any of the guys on, neither do I wish to hinder their processes of having any possible girlfriends. Which I am, of course, and because you do not know me and I do not know you, definitely won't try to jude anyone whom I don't know. And I'm so sorry for you. Because if you're really that kind and sensitive, you would have persuaded him to come to me on that faithful monday, not persuade him to have dinner with you and your really cool and fun gang. Did I hit you right on the spot? *ouch

Miss Ng, just a note for you because you are so young. Learn how to protect yourself. My boobs are so personal to me, and I won't attach them to just anyone else. Do it only when you're drunk, to better give yourself a better reason to because you're wasted. Should have known better to keep a distance, otherwise, let your agenda be known. :)

My other half wants me to believe that you are all so pure, innocent and kind.

You girls know that those photos could cause trouble, didn't y'all?

Either a sleazebag or peanuts for brains, whatcha think?

I've been around way longer than any of you to perhaps be this distrusting. Well, search your consciences, can you REALLY trust anyone these days? Your Mom? How about Dad?

I am so ugly now, and only when I'm with you.

P.S take whatever you want from me, I'm sure it's so easy now. Because two week means more than one year. And uh, I'm ugly now to him. So it's really easy for any of you to come. And take it, because I can't care anymore nor lesser.

#308.

This is the number 308th post.

Desmond and I kissed passionately after a chain of rows for six consecutive days. I do not mean throughout the whole process was raw war. There were making ups, but I guess, not enough till what happened last night.

Sadly, yet another breaking up attempt. Quarrels are so common for every couple but why do ours always have to end up on such a bad note? Is it me? Or do I brazenly shout out that our love is not strong enough? Not enough? Was the kiss just purely out of physical attraction? I do not agree so. Because if it was, it would have been the same as the porn clip you watched last night or last week. No? Unless you're telling me you watched one which was gay, or with animals.

Lazed today at home. Lovely weather to pratically throw myself around the house. Watched The Time Traveler's Wife and cried so bad. I fancy a love which is so surreal and so intense. Why do I have to be so dreamy? The Cardigans were playing for most of the times. Really not in the mood to game nor read, I doodled and drooled a Tuesday away.

An Interview with Burberry coming up in the late morning, a bunch of explanation to be done and some shit to see to at work tomorrow. I hope I can just turn my back on these lousy episodes and gasp in a new breath of air for a total new genesis or another evolution. But hell no, if it's a clean start I seek, I shan't even leave any dirty stains behind.

I am going to a BBQ session hosted by Desmond's family this Friday and although they do not know what had been going on between the two of us, I must say, my conscience feels so bad for having brought so much pain to him for the past week, and that, I am quite ashamed to see them. At the thought of going to the beach this Friday, I dreamt a little about having a nice slow late night stroll with him again. And uh, well, we might just try to kiss all the unhappiness away again. I'm not blushing.

The Cardigans - Lovefool.

Do I have to cite yet again what Shakespeare once wrote?

Little Romance.

I deleted a couple of posts which I think they don't belong. I don't wish to lose the identity of my this little private space online. If so you thought there might be an identity, call it individuality. If you can't think of it as anywhere near an identity, suit yourself.

I am really quite keen on picking up guitar again. And ugh, my guitar is no longer sitting in my storeroom. Mom threw it away. I have been listening to a lot of Ingrid Michaelson recently, and just in case you do not know who she is (I'm not surprise), she's a indie-pop artiste from NYC.

Tim Burton is throwing an art gallery displaying his pieces in NYC coming April and I wished I could fly over to attend his. Always a big fan of bizarre characters like Edward Scissorshand, and uh, what else? Hah. You'd know if you know me.

I wish I can still write the way I used to, but sadly, I seem to have lost it.

Superficiality seemed to have swept over me over the last three years. I asked, have you ever really felt a day? And I answered, no. Dust collected themselves within the pages left untouched. Words forgotten and so are life lessons. Losing sync with myself was a lousy slow roller coaster ride - no highs and full of lows. And I again, loathed myself for wasting time away not having read yet another great read, not having listened to much fancied enthralling music which better chained my emotional strings, not having written enough to shout out loud to the world, not having tried harder to remember who I am, or at least what I have done. It's always times like this, which I strongly reproach myself, and it's always times like that again, I forget.

I truly love my solitude but I want attention just like those blood suckers out there begging for it. Am I a mere commonplace in the society today? Am I already one of the millionth faces? Who was left behind amidst our walking paces? No, I won't tolerate myself to be. I won't leave her behind. Because she deserves so much more, more than anyone else. She doesn't deserve to die alone, one thing for sure.

A relationship is breakable. It is flawed in so many unimaginable ways. Like what snow patrol said, love is said too much and it is often not enough. It's a heavy word and there are so many uncalled acts to abuse it. After a curtsey, I invited you into my world, intensified with nothing else but raw emotions - which I assure no one else could have done better. You chose not to buy them this way, so perhaps, I'll make you beg one day. Respect is the key word here. Like what I own, ask me nicely and I'll gladly give it to you.

Last night, I laid wide eyed on my bed trying to recall the movies I've watched in the last three years. And I was a zero. This evening when I logged on, I got maxed out by a few lads whom I've known for years but do not know. Are they really my friends? Or are they just phases which belonged to a period of time, not forgotten, but never remembered? Which is more important? One which belonged to a lost realm of time or one which might potentially belong to an infinite round of ticking minutes hands?

Choices are not difficult to conjure at if we are clear at heads. Since it was a question mark I received, I have no choice but to paint you to be a larger one in my head so to better tell myself you aren't a story to be continued.

I'm coming back again.

Silent sirens.

When the night falls, everything begins on a quietus note. Alias, not with my mind. Not at all.

The poker flipping noises in the hall, the careless banging of the coffee table don't aid in the sleep. I want a perfect scape of quietus only with a running air conditioner to cool the room. Heat doesn't interest me at all. The right temperature is 25 degree celsius. And no, it's not the noises outside anymore. They are coming from my head.

I can't be so strong, and I can't be putting on a front all the time. There are times I need to seek shelter, I need to curl up into a ball and hide. It's taxing to be wanting to be so strong. Everyone wants more from/of you. And I can't be a letdown, for I've been one most of my life. They chided and reproached me when I fell. That makes me feel that it's wrong to be inferior. Everyone wants you to be a little like them, but where to begin exactly, they won't tell. Because they are after all, afraid that you'd be like them or even better than them. They like to hurt you with meaningless words, they don't advise.

Wisdom doesn't necessarily come with age. It doesn't necessarily grow from a spiritual belief neither. I can tell you that my direct line leader is a woman in her mid forties, who has just had a spiritual vacation and she is pure evil at heart. She earns a dough well enough, but she's just evil. Plain simple shamelessly evil. It is Hell if there are a million of her around.

My skeletal basis calls out desperately for a change. I have been trying hard to use the left of my brain to logically make plans. And I am trying to make the plans work. I do not have patience. I am far too flawed a human. I'm too afraid to know I'm the last and am too big an egoist to admit I am. I do not have the courage to say I am flawed, and every day, I force myself to be stronger. Or at least, pretend to be.

I wonder where is my light when I'm always too blind to see.

I need my sirens of silence, where do I seek?

This bunch of muds took so long to decide on a purchase of a canvas bag which only cost $179 after discount. The girl was pissed and ranted on and on in malay to the other two guys because there's no box.

Note to all who wants to buy anything branded (if you call it branded):

Please! If you think $179 is big and you expect us to give you a box for it, try to be appreciative if we even give you a paper bag. Because...

1. We are not Miu Miu

2. It's understood that ONLY leather bags come with a free dust bag

3. You did not pay $1179 instead

So if you go Nike or Adidas and paid $179 for a bag, DO YOU EXPECT it to come in a box too?

As a consumer, please try to bear this in mind that you are NOT always right. We are not servants, we ARE JUST helping you to make a purchase. And you NEED us because we are trained and we can always give you professional advice on our merchandise. Be thankful and be nice. If you can't, then read up on all the brands that you buy and help yourself when you shop. Whatever it is, be learned if you want to buy anything branded. Because if you think being a second line we are, and you expect our merchandise to be as good as the first lines, go GioGio Armani instead of Armani Xchange, go Dolce & Gabanna instead of D&G, go Marc Jacobs instead of Marc by Marc Jacobs, go Donna Karan instead of DKNY. Now, you see the price differences, ignorant people.

I think I deserve to be a senior (or perhaps more? haha) at my work! Reason is simple. Because just my third day back and everyone's expecting me to do this/run that. Clearly, I am of certain value. Thanks everyone for welcoming me back this way, making me feel that I am sort of needed. /three cheers for Chrisma

It was great to snuggle back to a comfort zone. But I really know this can't go on forever. I need challenges and risks. I am a born danger loving person. And I hope when the day comes again, I would have enough courage to brave all storms outside the perimeters of Mummy's embrace. I am confident I will. For all flaws of me, I have etched deeply in my head and am striving to change out of them.

For tomorrow and the day after tomorrow, I shall be a different better person.

*

I made a choice today.

I'm a material girl.

My narcissism was awaken today.

And I decided to include this into my resolution for 2010. Which, come to think of which, I haven't made any. Pfft. First one, to lose at least 10 kg. Okay peeps, this post on narcissism shall begin. I DO NOT think I am NOT hot. In fact, I think if I shed all these horrible cellulite, I WILL BE HOT. Because I think, I've got a great face except that the skin condition right now is not ideal. I would have to buy alot of facial products and bukake them onto my face every night like Yvonne. I don't think I need any plastic surgery on my face say apart from liposuction of the double chin (/rolls eyes). Other than that, good nose, nice lips, and okay, perhaps small eyes, but I like them small and seductive. Ain't no acting cute for me, do not need those big eyes.

I'm naturally fair.

I reckon I have nice legs even though I'm short.

I do not need any boobs implant. (yay!)

So, to summarize it all, I just NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT. And I'll be on where I want to be on.

Oh and I need my long hair back. Losing my long long hair was my BIGGEST REGRET of all times. What was I thinking back then?! Having a bf doesn't mean I SHOULD uglify myself! Girls, if yer thinking putting on weight and not caring a deal about how you look once you are attached is really fine, please screw yourself. Because Men are cheap. Okay perhaps not only men, EVERYONE loves beautiful things. But some men have hot wives like Tiger Woods, and ended up screwing someone not as hot. Okay, change. Men are cheaper. LOL

I have tons of unhappiness inside with regards to my r/s. But I think I shan't go blabber on because he reads. I mean, he reads my blog, and he doesn't understand what I want. /falls off from chair. Is it too much to ask for securities? How does a man soothe a woman's insecurities?

1. Assurance and Re assurance

2. Saying nice things to her (for e.g you look great today, i miss you, i have a sudden urge to kiss you etc.)

3. Proving to everyone that you are capable of handling the down affairs and you won't be affected even when the r/s is a headache, even when your girlfriend is a nuisance

4. Spend more time with her

5. Spend even more time with her when you know you can't give her what you are working on now. For e.g: status, a sense of belonging)

You know, after listed down everything. It just seems to me that if you truly love someone, these just come naturally. You'd be protective of that person, and you'd care a great deal about her emotional and mental landscape. I guess without love, things would have to go theoretical instead of instinctually.

I'm so tired of all these, really.

It's good my narcissism's up again. I rock, and I know I'm always in demand.

And I will be more than a demand soon.

i'm unhappy.

really.

Loverboy

Youhoo! Meh! I slept so lil and did a unsound one again! Damn, my eye bags are going to sag more at this rate.

I am once again, having an inordinate fascination with myself. My biggest regret of all times has to be the cut of my long long hair. Sighs. You know how hawt I look with long hair right? LOL. Now, I'm just an auntie lookalike with ugly hair.

I desperately want to get a figure like Mariah in this MV:

I think MC's really a songbird cum porn star. She's mind blowing

hot in here and I want a figure like hers!!!

Mentally unsound.

Screw! I woke up at 5:43am! Something is wrong with my bio clock! Nooo, it's not because I'm hungry. But I had countless nightmares in a night, too many to be named or I can't recall. I think it's because I'm out of job, which so explains why I'm so disturbed. =(

Anyways, just had my first meal in 16 hours. Yes, you are right, it's instant noodles again.

I can't stand this lifestyle anymore. Having maggie for breakfast is just so wrong when I used to spend so much on breakfasts. =(((((

I actually planned to go out for a jog. But I realise, I just washed my running shorts and they are still wet. Ugh. Why am I so stupid? Fine, I'll just jog in my PJ shorts.

Anyone wanna take me to ktv? Suddenly feel like singing siol.

God, please let the marketing company call me by 12nn to say they're offering me the position? Amen. I don't mind the pay at all. Just any! I'm fine! I just need a job!

I'm Yours.

It's 8:23am now. I'm having an adrenaline rush which vacuumed me into a realm, somewhat not more than a year ago...

The song from Take That, named "Sure" was what I used to listen to when I think I've fallen for you...

"It's gotta be social compatible,

sexual irresistible,

it's gotta be right for life..."

Like a test drive before the purchase of a new car, what we had was probably a warming up exercise. So we made the decision to drive this new car, keep it fueled, maintain it, and it'd fire up, I'm sure.

Give me a lil more time to be stable, alright? =)

Please watch the vid. The song is for you.

P.S can't wait to see you on Sunday. ♥

I detest myself.

Ugh. I spoke to the mirror just now. And asked tons of questions which I've already known the answers.

Chrisma gives up things too easily. And she is always seeking excuses out of nothingness to make herself look better.

And this is what I have learnt to accept:

Not everyone is born with everything within reach. And not everyone is born to have a smooth sailing career journey. There are certainly people who are this lucky, but it's only minority. And I don't happen to be in that category.

Oh God. Do you forgive me of all the previous follies?

I guess I need to get a new attitude.

I must.

P.S Owl city's sounds like Postal Service.

Do you agree?

I've sinned,

and I thank God.

I hope this time around,

everything will do just right.

/clears throat

After reading Alloy's ex gf's blog, I am really scared. But at the same time relieved, holy mama, I'm not insane! Should I link? Okay. Maybe I should. Just for entertainment values peeps. Please do not take anything seriously, just for laughs. click here ---> 123.

And poor Alloy's current gf is so affected by it. Girlie, if you're reading this, please know that if you truly like this boy here, you should have faith in him. Because he's so sad now, and he sounds so sincere. =(

Refer to below:

Sleeping Beast. says (4:52 AM):

i cant

no

shes the one

silly as it sounds

*moloko. says (4:52 AM):

hah. then fight for it

go to her

Sleeping Beast. says (4:52 AM):

im fighting

*moloko. says (4:52 AM):

the minute u are back

No use fighting now

show it

Sleeping Beast. says (4:53 AM):

i will

the 1st thing i get hm tml

is gng to her place

which i dont know where yet lol

*moloko. says (4:53 AM):

HAHAHAHAH

WTF

*moloko. says (4:54 AM):

HAHAHAHAHHAHA

THATS FUNNY

That's right peeps! If you really like someone, FIGHT for it! I've just lost someone dear to me, I don't wish to see another losing someone... =)

the scales and the lioness.

a door left unopened,

not ajar,

just closed,

dead as lifeless.

albeit, open it.

open it if you're granted to.

feel the story within,

feel a lost love.

*

what a rapture of feelings,

of pain, hope and raging sentiments.

once,

part of a time,

part of a place,

a crossroad lies ahead,

two took their own.

bade goodbye,

the lioness's heart cringed.

what a sad sad sight,

she thought.

what a sad sad sight,

to see the back of her love.

the shoulders so kin,

the arms she'd held,

the cheeks she'd kissed.

he waddled on,

on unbalance.

he didn't look back,

he chose to see what lies ahead.

her tender lips he'd forgotten,

her eyes once heaven,

"it was beautiful", he said that night.

her tears he'd wiped,

her embrace he'd sunk within,

and slept away many lonely nights.

the lioness cried out in silence,

told herself it's only period.

it was faith she has.

she would peer out to days,

in hope for the scales' return.

what a love.

what a love in modern days.

A song.

i'm in love.