Mark Salling

If you look like this, and you can/are:

Sing,

Dance,

Very Intelligent,

Speaks good english,

I WANT YOU!

Great Expectations.

Equipped with nothingness on hands except for time, I'm attempting to write something of absolute surrealism which of course, makes no sense, to some that is.

When the rain came almost abruptly this early morning, strong winds were howling at their loudest. And like a romantic, I stood where I stood, when everyone was fast asleep, I lit up a cigarette in the midst of it all. I felt the winds vigorously sweeping through the gaps of my fingers, every strand of my hair. I felt complacent at the thought of the sight of me standing under the sky before it rained. The crimson skies on me, my feet on the ground, everything which I was unsure of myself came to a realization again. That me, was such a love, and I do love myself, and it's not anyone's fault that they don't, because they do not know me. Or perhaps, like what some has said, that I'm too hard to fathom in order to be loved. I will not forget this moment.

The almost touching lips, you could have been much more than a dream. Alas, you are a reality, but a reality which I could not hold onto. Because my ticking minutes are precious, and we do not and won't walk well on each's path. So I have to bid you goodbye here, once again. Let it be another three years if it shall cost. Your simplicity interests me, at the same time, it bores me. I can't understand the complexity within your portray of simplicity. That, I do not say you are not bright. That I meant, perhaps not my field of studies, neither my league to love. I didn't wish to kiss you, because I was unsure what would have come after just one kiss. I need someone more, someone whom quite a lot thinks like me, functions more logically than me. That I've yet to known any, who is capable of protecting myself from me.

I feel as if I have so much to do, on a more noble note for this world instead, all the times.

Very so often, the life of an artist is short-lived. Their emotions were often over intense that loving themselves evolved to a submission to their own fantasies and indulgence in their own emotions - narcissism, depression, rather than caring for their basic needs - the human touch with people, behaving like a normal moral being, and think like one.

You can always read me like a book, but I would never tell you that to completely understand this book, you would have to observe the spine first. That again, is perhaps another forte of mine, lying.

I want to dress up for the winter;

and listen to the silence,

where snowflakes fall on a hot stove,

in a whim, it burns,

-alluring.

Perfect.

My solitude is perfect.

When I'm alone,

just being me,

shines.

At least, that's what I think.

=)

Carpe Diem.

One thought which came to my mind this morning was, "Fuck, I think I ran out of cigarettes". I seriously have no idea how I managed to pull through a month (I give credit to my inner strength) of not smoking. Smokers are cool people, because we do not actually use the fact that we're non-smokers and feel a hypothetical superiority over smokers. That's for you the non-smokers and always kpkb-ing about us, smokers. We are paying more taxes than you, so shut the fuck up. Below is a list of activities which I strongly feel cigarettes should always play a part in.

Clubbing

How can you drink and not smoke at the same time? Have you ever seen someone sipping vodka and running on a threadmill simultaneously?

Coffee

The another which I cannot fathom why cigarettes shouldn't be involved. How the fuck do you sit around starbucks all day with one or two friends, yakking non stop and not smoke? Don't go telling me how the coffee and cigarettes are going to stain your teeth. Because as of now, my teeth are so pretty and white compared to most of the non smokers around me. What I'm trying to convey is, if you happen to be a little aesthetically handicapped inside your mouth and you aren't a smoker, then you should really reflect.

Mugging

Enough said, I would rather be smoking while mugging than to feast on snacks.

After sex

This is crucial - the first smoke after you got your orgasm. This is ritualistic because nicotine has the ability to calm your nerves down. Or if your partner behaves like a dead fish on bed, having a smoke after, gives you 10 minutes to decide whether or not to dump her.

Suntanning

The sun, the sand, the sea, the ice cold beer, the cigarettes. Enough said.

Does not smoking actually makes one healthier? Is smoking really associated with cancerous diseases? I have so many relatives who passed on because of some cancer shit, and they don't smoke. Not smoking doesn't actually prolong your life and not all who died of cancer smokes. If you're fucked up, not smoking does not make you any better.

I am not trying to be discouraging if you're quitting smoking. For the non-smokers who accepted the way we smokers choose to lead our own damn lives, you're just alright the way you are. Don't be some cultural baby and go around dissing the smokers. And for the globe lovers, don't go around disseminating that smoking does aid on the damaging of the ozone layer. This is fucking hilarious. Please compare the size of a fucking stick to one industrial chimney. I use a recycle bag whenever I shop and I smoke, what does it make me?

Now a note to us, the smokers. Don't be rude and go blow in someone's face. I assure you that the only blow which won't piss them off, is a blowjob. Please stay pretty while smoking, don't go behave like some lousy ah lians. Please refer to Audrey Hepburn in Breakfast at Tiffany's. Do not act cool and flick butts wherever you go please. How I remain fine-free till now? I play by the rules.

Life is really short to be refraining from everything. You would never know when a major flood decided to hit Singapore and kill all of us. Why can't we all live the way we want for ourselves and quit being cultural-fed? =)

*chrissy is 25, and she has been smoking for 12 years. An average of 7 sticks per day, she still has her teeth intact, white and very nice. She has no wrinkles yet. Her fingernails are always very pretty because she bothers to take care of them. As for her lungs, they are still proven to be functioning quite properly whenever she hits the dance-floor. If you have never seen the way she dance, you can ask around.

I feel really sorry for every nasty I've said.

Before I deleted every fucking photo of yours, I had this epiphany.

It really hurts me to hurt you this way, but because this is how you hurt me, I will cut myself just to make you bleed.

Basement Jaxx - Romeo

/totally adore this song.

All The Above.

I'm going to get back to what I was before, and even better this time around.

So I've decided, to join California Fitness!

Just watch how I'm going to transform to such splendor that if you look at me, you would even feel like crying. Okay. Perhaps this is exaggerating, just let me, hush!

This fitness consultant (who was kinda hot himself) told me I still look great now! =D (of course please!)

Bye bye chocolates, ben & jerry's and cheezels! Hello, me, lotsa honeys and money! I won't even care how empty I might feel at the end of every night, why should I if it's a Chanel I'm hugging to sleep?

So just let the losers be amongst the losers, I shan't even bother or give a second look.

Notes for the day

"She looks as if someone just shat on her face." - Dylan *I laughed out loud*

"Is your bf dead already?" -Aisha Reds *very*

And which bitch? Me. I'm the bitch you should be afraid of. Because when I'm determined to do something, I go all out to achieve it, whichever way at my convenience.

This is my ego, and I'm letting it speaks, for now and as long as you would remember me.

"There's something different about you now."

"Age, I guess. Stopped competing with the super hot chicks."

Ahhh...

Maybe it's time to shine again. ;)

Just revert to three years back, and perhaps I will have the whole world again.

If I give myself what I want,

I will be different.

I know.

Attacked.

Behind this beautiful mask, is perhaps a wrecked mind, which needs help but too afraid to seek.

-

seeing stars oh so glittery,

like shame filled with glisten

flutter around the wings of a butterfly,

that's a beautiful mind for you

say its beautiful but fucked up,

but if it wasn't, how do you see it as beauty

if every is just of norm

is this how beauty should stand out

we, the strangers dance by the killing moon

falling into danger now and so often

we, who let our hearts be opened,

let you in it, makes it solvent

kills me blindly,

makes me breathless

makes me see stars

and want to love you more than ever.

New Born.

I had a rather queer conversation with someone whom I don't really know. I do not mean I am anti social or stuck up (perhaps, most of the times) but it's really queer because I do not understand why would someone even want to make such minor effort over me, which is a nobody as of right now.

"Which are you more comfortable with, English or Chinese?"

"I do both."

"No no, you tell me which one. So it's easier for me to converse with you in the future."

(in my mind, "hmm? we hardly ever need to talk actually.")

"I really am okay with both. -smiles-"

Actually, more English than Chinese, really.

Okay. Dylan says he's going to get me a birthday present and I shan't even tell him what to do.

Let's just see! Don't even think of running! I will chase!

Summerboy.

Is my life a screw up still? Say, apart from sleeping around, sleeping behind one's back, apart from the druggies, apart from senseless drinking, why do I feel that it's still inadequate? I'm striving to attain another level higher when I know this level is going to leave me craving for more. In fact, greedier than ever. Is there anything wrong with my moral upbringing? Or is it just in me? Tsk. Something to reflect on. Something is wrong with me, must be.

I have an ego loud enough to be seen, and a void not vivid enough to be understood.

Why are the summer rainy?

And the December sunny?

But it's all good,

because I adore the weather.

As much as December

when it's not sunny.

Last year's,

thank you des.

This year's,

Thank you, me.

I love Fashion!

Latest prized collection:

Denim Bomber Jacket (intends to wear with leggings, Shasha suggests white shorts)

Skull scarf vest (goes with ANYTHING!)

-

Yay! Basement Jaxx for the fashion you!

One person told me that I'm a lambo, argumentatively, someone prefers me to be a vintage VW beetle. I'm either a tramp or a prude. Paradox indeed.

For the record, I have managed to pay off my credit card bills and mobile's. Not to mention, my monthly contribution to the household, and guess what? I realize I still have some money for the air ticket to BKK in October! Please babes, let us settle the air tickets before I start shopping again. It's really agonizing for me to reject the urge to step into Zara. This year's E.O.S shall be the first which I do not buy anything from Marc by Marc Jacobs. But how about the navy blue dress which I really fancy from us? How about the bag from Kate Spade? Birthday presents anyone please?

Am going shopping with the beauties tomorrow to guess where? Far East Plaza. How unlikely! But if this is the only way which we can shop to satisfy our desires to own more, then let this be the only place where we shop at. Thank God and Amen.

I'm going for a new change, which is, I shan't pile up more clothes to even attempt to snap my clothes rack now. Like what mom had commented, I have only one body, two boobs, one week has only seven days, and I'm not a caterpillar, why is that I have so many clothes and shoes? Hmm... Perhaps I shall start splurging on bags instead.

Now let's do a quick run,

• Marc Jacobs pouch
• Marc by Marc Jacobs sling bag (Miss Marc - courtesy of Desmond Wai)
• Marc by Marc Jacobs (small tote)
• 2 Longchamp le pliage
• Marina Rinaldi (cruise bag)
• DKNY canvas (beach bag, which is really dirty now)
• DKNY clutch (which is oh so Valentino)
• 2 from Diesel
• Goyard (psst)
• Marni
• D&G (oh so punk rocker sling)
• Club Monacco (patent leather document bag)

Okay, perhaps not.

Blue Monday.

A rapture of thoughts propelled me to even start this but it's not a cakewalk to piece every fragments of broken emotions together as of right now. So just bear with me, and read me as much as you can.

Rain, come. Because you're silently beautiful in your own way. And I need your beauty to do me grace tonight.

If life is about a series of counting downs, I wonder whether am I counting down to the end of a span of misery or happiness. What I've learnt through a series of unfortunate events and misfortunes which managed to befall on people around me, is that putting on a brave front most of the times make me a happier person. Vexatious it is, alas, what do I do? I emailed Nichol my concerns, and he told me that being thoroughly immersed in it, he enjoys the feeling. Should I address this as a pretense? Or would it be an act of strength? I don't know, and all I know, is I don't care.

I love my hobby. I love toys in some sense. And the upkeep of it is sure not cost effective. If it's a miserable amount of money to spend monthly in exchange for my tiny pangs of happiness, I don't see any reason why I should disapprove of myself. At least when I'm fully into it, I know I am complacent for that moment.

Rain. You are approaching, I hear you. Why won't you do me some grace?

I can't think. And I don't wish to. The only thing which I should most probably think right now, is how to make myself so desirable, that even a blind could tell my ugly from my beauty. I do not lie, we are in love with our own sins most of the times.

I want to rant!

This is it! ENOUGH!

One more time.

I'm such a good friend I only emailed Nichol one week after his birthday.

I finally finished my first roll today! And shame to LSM for even asking me how are the photos.

I love Ann Siang Road! And this little park in the midst of everything, out of nowhere. I saw people taking photos of their Blythe Dolls and it reminded me of someone :(.

Dear God, why is there a pin on my heart?

-

One main omnipresent concern with moving forward has to be fear. Another beginning of a new phase will suggest necessarily adjustments and not to mention, changes. A whirlwind which changes direction, most of the times, we find ourselves caught and lost in it. At night when everything is all quiet and dark, we find ourselves sleeping to the ghost of whoever once slept beside - a haunting indeed.

Ugly girl smoking hatred in her fabulous

Superhero Me.

I'm duper lazy to dress up these days. I've been throwing on anything which first caught my eyes the moment I opened up my closet for the past few days. And why is it that I've been buying new clothes every month, without fail (mind you), and it seems to me that I'm always running out of stuffs to wear? Not only that, shoes, even. I have perhaps close to or more than fifty pairs of shoes, and it seems like they are never enough! A pair for whichever occasion or whichever outfit! So I went online and found this:

The blue and the nude look hot. Should I even think of buying another pair? When I have more than five pairs of shoes, left untouched, sitting nicely in my shoe cabinet?

I then went on to Zana, Garbage Dress, in hope to get some inspiration for what to wear tomorrow. It evolved to my stumble upon this website and I found this really, really me:

Sighs, wtfucka. And look at this:

Cute eh? It's actually a pair of leggings which gives you the illusion you're actually wearing only a pair of smoothies. Smoothies, yes, in other words, biker shorts. Thanks Reds for filling me out the other day.

/whines and makes a lot of noises

Vanilla Twilight

"No dignity and no pride. All she's left with is a psychotic mind that needs some real help. She can make him do many things, but one thing she cannot do, is make him tell her he loves her - without lying." -Lorraine

I stole the above from Lorraine's blog. Oh god, I'm such a thief. I think I stole a little of everyone's freedom, as being accused today. Apparently, this world is full of crazies. And I perhaps, happen to be one of them.

Today is a motherfucking Friday. Because it is going to be another day of staying at home, even though I don't have to work. And as of right now, the men around me, are a bunch of bores without much intellectual stimulation. So typical are them, I would rather talk to the wall or hang myself by the window.

The weather today is so beautiful. And sadly, Melvin has to book in for his guard duty - no possibilities of finishing my first roll. LSM assured me that films do decompose.

Faith.

I don't care where we'd end up;

I just know I want to go there with you.

And begin again.

Nat King Cole.

Does your reality make you someone whole? Or does it make you lesser than complete? Mine's slowly killing me. Which is why, I'm always choosing to close my eyes. For if I can't see, I should be able to keep myself alive.

Someone has once told me, that I'm too true to myself that it hurts him. Or more or less like that, I couldn't remember clearly enough. Does anyone really come close to feeling my bones? Do I even need to waste my time on any other skeletal? When your spine is just as good as his/her spine.

How is it possible for a 25 year old to be liking Nat King Cole? The vinyl, the old records, the holga camera, and everything in retrospection? Because in the sixties and seventies, everyone around you feel like humans. Passionate about lives, love and lust. Lust, you heard me, at least they weren't denying it.

I've been mad reading, the more I do, the more my heart aches. It was bittersweet and I couldn't explain it. So at loss I am for words, that I feel like crying. I had thought of writing a long letter to Andy, but do I really have to? Does anyone enjoy receiving letters these days? It was so intense, that it's melancholic and I'm turning sadistic. So much that it hurts, how do I even let you fathom it? Or are you able to?

I couldn't be wide eyed to another round of disappointment tomorrow. And my heart is telling me I will. I am the least priority. And forever I will be, alone in my own cold realm. I've heard a thousand of lies, and have come up with a million of em myself. Who is to tell me what's what and what's not?

I had seen and imagined a scenery unlike ones which I've remembered. It was quite empty, yet it felt like I was having everything. But these everything doesn't amount to the weight which they should deem hold. Something was inadequate, something was immaculately rid of. I do not have any slightest clue on why the hands of time only move one way and why going the other is impossible. I do not remember who I was four years ago when here I am trying to relive it. I'm too tired, to wake up every morning with this artificial faith the sunshine never fails to bring, yet only to be greeted by this kind of contradiction and confusion every night. I need a new life, but what do I need in order to transport myself to a new genesis?

What do you really know? Do you really know as much as I do? Do you think you know because you think your reality makes you a complete person?

If you give me whatever I want,

whatever I need,

I will give both to you.

This is my love guaranteed.

:)

Wednesday, I despise you.

You can't believe this. I woke up in the morning to realise I have a sudden throat infection. How I know it is one because I have the intellectual level to tell a throat infection from a sore throat. Quit forcing strepsils down my throat, it ain't going to work. I think I need antibiotics. Perhaps my sinus is acting up again. I think the french fries from Mac yesterday cut my throat. This is how delicate my lips, mouth, gum, throat are!

I can't sing (to irritate the guys at work). I can't talk properly. And I can't even swallow my saliva so I'm practically drooling all over the place, on my sheets, I'm wearing a bib, and I stink.

I'm so going to the company doctor tomorrow if I can wake up early enough. Ouch.

Ah! I feel so lousy.

..!..

L.O.V.E forever!

Christmas is approaching, let's begin the countdown. I can't wait. Gimme the turkey, ham and yummy log cake. And lotsa Christmas gifts. I should perhaps get myself an iPhone 4. I'm so sleepy now, that with every blink of my eyes, I am seeing images of the past. My mom is asking to go Mezza at Grand Hyatt for their buffet lunch. 108++ per pax is really not expensive. But for someone like me who doesn't take too much a fancy to anything raw, it somewhat suggests a hole in my comme des garcons purse.

Sometimes, it really does only require minimal amount of initiative to come up with an almost effortless gesture to make someone feel appreciated. I hate to say this because I'm a bitch, but I have to because my stomach is rumbling in tremor from McSpicy which I had for lunch in the afternoon. Now I feel like I'm trying to correspond with my old mobile number. Do not even bother to explain why, how or why didn't you. Because when this has been made history, nothing can be done to undo it, so there shouldn't be a need to call for further complications. The more you talk, the lighter everything weighs. So let's just close our eyes and feel.

Been following Butterfly's for so long and really, mine seem way too fair in comparison. I'm just like a virtual stranger yakking away nothing constructive and neither nothingness of absolute humour. I should start mad reading again. I deduce it aids in the writing.

My eyelids are bowling balls now. I'm going to chase my Zs. I wonder why Tracy has been trying to say things of extreme abstractness which no one could really fathom why she is trying to do so. Did you catch my subtle sarcasm? =D

I'm not exactly looking forward to tomorrow when I should. I guess I'm kinda hanging by a moment, and this moment it is.

Crying waves.

The waves cried tonight,

the winter birds came to sing,

a garden blossomed many fallen leaves.

Purple lightning came to strike,

your unheard thunder roared my ting-a-ling.

She, who wore a summer dress,

adored the impossibilities of things,

gave sudden hope and faith in everything.

-

Everytime I close my eyes I thank the Lord that I've got you,

and you've got me too.

Everytime I think of it I pinch myself cause I don't believe it's true,

that someone like you loves me too.

是谁的心啊  

孤单地留下

他还好吗

我多么想爱他

那永恒的泪

凝固的一句话 

也许可能蒸发  

Just a little crush.

Why do I not feel empowered enough to develop my own feel of complacency now?

When I read your blog, why do I feel such jealousy?

How different are we?

Is simplicity really your bliss?

-

Which way have I taken?

How have I been walking?

Or have I been chasing pavements again?

What to blossom?

What do I know?

When a withered,

tells the gloom.

Then it'd be back and forth,

nevertheless,

endlessly.

Hello stranger.

Goodbye friend.

the lone sun.

the lonelier sun.

Another.

Another one down. 3 from my graduating primary school class are married. A lot more are engaged. Thank God, none invited me. Thank God, those whom I still talk to are still fooling around and no one wants to marry em (Yes you!). Is it me? Or is it everyone else? Why do I feel a mixture of envy and "LOLs" when I see every one of em getting hitched?

Envy? Well because I think I will look so much hotter with professional make up and I envy them for wearing nice pretty gowns! /mews "LOLs" because, I guess we will be missing out a lot after marriage. God! Seeing the same face everyday (imagine if it's Shrek you married) is just not going to do anything better to the relationship. Aye? And how are you supposed to know that him/her is just going to be the one? Imagine going through individual transitions, how sure are we to know whether he/she would still be around?

What's with the banquet? Isn't it more than a chore to be throwing such massive event? Half of the guests who turn up are ones whom you barely speak to in years? And maybe most of them are ones you've never spoken to in your entire life. Then what joy could you possibly share? How happy do they actually feel for you? Talk about hypocrisy. I would rather book zouk and have my granny break dance at phuture. With this kinda money throwing a banquet could cost, I can own a Birkin seriously. What's more important than having a Hermes?

The thought of having to wake up at 4am is so terrifying. I would rather club or dota till 4am. Shittish. How am I going to survive this kinda long day with the so called adrenalin rush? Can a bride actually yawns when she's on the stage cutting the wedding cake? I might need triple shots of expresso injected into me every hour.

Why do you guys want to get married in this kinda conventional manner anyway?

By asking the groom to wear female G string on his head when he comes over to get the bride, is not going to make it anywhere special or interesting. Do I get myself clear? Whatever shit tricks the typical 'sisters' can come up with, at the end of the day, he still gets her. Someone tell me one groom had actually died from drinking the potent mixture of flaming cokewasabichrysathemumvodkamilo?

Don't get me wrong. I would love to be married. I would beg to have someone who's so mine to spend the rest of my life with. My wedding is going to be a very quiet event with only ones whom I am sure I speak to, I've spoken to, and I know who he/she exactly is. There's a reason why we call it a matrimonial union and not a matrimonial orgy. A backdrop of the setting sun, a pastor (in God's place), my family and close friends, me and mine.

Use the money, go to France, Paris, Milan and get a birkin. Really. And a Cartier for wedding band.

Yeah. I think the 24 hour drive through at Vegas best suits me.

An upside down apple tree,

half a butterfly.

queen fleur,

a phoenix,

and a snail with horns.

My gardenplay.