Ordinary People

winter come,

a butterfly, intrinsically radiant and blime

fluttered its wings for one last time,

a love died.

so it meant nothing.

behind every gesture,

a malicious truth,

out to cut me.

love blinded me.

of every sick ways.

tell anybody,

who's at fault?

90 days of love trial rides,

returned doubled fold of hidden knives.

the gravity behind the doings,

none big enough to shoulder.

the aftermath,

as good as grave.

life-less and cold,

full of regrets.

how should i react?

do i do grace?

who did me then?

god sees all.

god judges.

the only rightful one to.

I resolute to be better

Seeing some of my ex classmates (esp the bunch from Crescent Girls) of what they have achieved through these years makes me a crazier person. They are all:

• Hot
• Extremely intelligent
• Having a REALLY fun time living lives

They make me feel I'm an empty shell with:

• No Hotness
• No Intelligence anymore
• No much FUN in my life

So this is what I SHALL resolute:

• To be sugar and spice and nothing NICE
• To be more intelligent
• To have FUN with my life
• To step on those who are currently stepping on me

Of course, all these will NOT come without a price.

And the price shall be:

• Myself

Friday. Time flies when you least realize it.

Sometimes fate if like a small sandstorm that keeps changing directions. You change direction but the sandstorm chases you. You turn again, but the storm adjusts. Over and over you play this out, like some ominous dance with death just before dawn. Why? Because this storm isn't something that blew in from far away, something that has nothing to do with you. This storm is you. Something inside of you. So all you can do, is give in to it, step right inside the storm, closing your eyes and plugging up your ears so the sand doesn't get in, and walk through it, step by step. There's no sun there, no moon, no direction, no sense of time. Just fine white sand swirling up into the sky like pulverized bones. That's the kind of sandstorm you need to imagine.

And you really will have to make it through that violent, metaphysical, symbolic storm. No matter how metaphysical or symbolic it might be, make no mistake about it. It will cut through flesh like a thousand razor blades. People will bleed there, you will bleed too. Hot, red blood. You'll catch that blood in your hands, your own blood and the blood of others.

And once the storm is over, you won't remember how you made it through, now you've managed to survive. You won't even be sure, in fact, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person who walked in. That's what this storm's all about.

Closing your eyes isn't going to change anything. Nothing's gonna disappear just because you can't see what's going on. In fact, things will be even worse the next time you open your eyes. That's the kind of world we live in. Only a coward closes his eyes. Closing up eyes and plugging up ears won't make time stand still.

People soon get tired of things that aren't boing, but not of what is boring. A certain type of perfection can only be realized through limitless accumulation of the imperfect.

A theory is a battlefield in your head. Without counter-evidence to refute a theory, science would never progress.

Like flowers scattered in a storm, man's life is one long farewell.

你的世界我的日子
好像沒有誰對發過脾氣
過的太快來不及 唉呦...
你說你說我們要不要在一起
柔情的日子裡 生洛得不費力氣
傻傻看你 只要和你在一起 唉呦呦...
我說我說我要我們在一起
柔情的日子裡 愛你不費力氣
傻傻看你 只要和你在一起
不像現在只能遙遠地唱著你

I am singing again...

*

I've always been saying this, Everything is a metaphor.

My first day of a DKNY biatch. I saw her. There was a strange feeling when I looked into her eyes.

Now I fathom why.

Solitude #1

Me myself am the world.

And I want silence.

No words. For all don't matter anymore.

You don't belong to me. The way I don't belong to anybody.

Recently, she started off throwing tantrums and left my stuffs lying around. She left my bags on the floors, and scattered some photos with a few letters all over. She filled my poor blue laundry basket with dirty laundry and soiled underwear till the basket cried out in suffocation. Next thing you know, my notorious 'room-mate' tried to tear down the cornice just above her windows to her eyes. That's the second time it is happening; the first being two years back on one morning. I was much indulged in the watching of south park when I stumbled upon the realization. With a notable significant difference compared to her past, she had changed. She was a pretty lady and was ever ready to change the color of her curtains to match her bed linen. "What's the matter with you?", I had asked her yesterday at around noon. Being the rudest room you could ever find, she chose to turn her back and walked away, without even showing the slightest of acknowledgement to my presence.

Like to anyone, I remain just a shadow to everyone.

Rooms get sick of you too even when apparently, you are the owner - that's probably the time you found out that you don't actually belong in it and it doesn't actually belong to you. So when a room starts to give you accumulated dust and messy bookshelves, you know it's beginning to hate you. When the patching up is not done in due time, before you know it, you're thrown out - pathetic, alone and in despair.

You can get sick of your own-doing, which is probably the best reflection of who you are. So when you are capable of being unfavorable to even yourself, let alone others.

oth⋅er

[uhth-er]

–pronoun

9. Usually, others. other persons or things: others around you.

[edit]

if i had only knew what was coming for me in another 12 hours' time...

All nuts.

I was having a throbbing headache which was so much like a colony of ants having a Jamaican fiesta in my head. So intense was the pain that I have trouble putting my mind to relaxation. My limps felt so much like decaying wood and I had to struggled my way to get a shower. I popped a paracetamol and practically stuck a bottle of medicated oil into one of my nostrils. None worked. So I synced myself with my body like how you sync your iPod with iTunes. Plugged in - my body prompted me to get something to eat.

This is not a lie. And like a miracle, after having a peanut butter sandwich and a hot milk tea. The headache went away almost instantly. Sounds like it's rather impossible but it remains factual. The thing about me understanding my body in such a manner is amazing.

3:32am - at this time when everyone should be sleeping, here I am carelessly and rebelliously typing words. Echoes of words from the strangers downstairs hover the cold and still night air; no cats tonight. The homeless must have eaten up all the cats in this district - they are homeless, and naturally no food to eat.

My sister is a tad way better than me at handling everything. And without her giving me advice and suggestions to every decision-making scenarios I have faced, I would have been intertangled up in my own strings of problems and drowned in my sea of troubles. So to Dawnie - you're the best. And I love you so much that I want to keep you as my pet.

I have lost track of time. I am wandering around this desert without my own compass. So naturally, by the time I got out of it, I would have been dead. I would be dead because either the one who snapped out of my own idealism will not be me. Or that could be I intentionally lost myself being my own pilgrim until the day I got onto my deathbed - too late to do anything by then. You could say I almost abhor the idea of me. Because I am so fussy with facades, and I have no idea which one to settle down with. Okay, here's what I would do. I shan't make do with any. I will come up with a brand new one, one which is of the norm, easily reachable and ultimately deprived of creativity.

Now, waiting for the break of dawn to pour down onto my world makes me a more impatient being. I want to send out resumes, reckon it's not nice sending out in the wees, what would the recipients feel if they saw the time? My regret for not wanting to stay in school evolves to my earnest mean to get recognized now, propelling me to take a longer route to which they call it 'success'. No kidding my english doesn't suggest I was out of school at a tender age but no way it is better than most too. Life's a bitch. I wonder if I start going to church now, will He show me the way to a bigger house.

*

Baby, I am sorry. I might not be the sanest around. But rest assured, I am trying hard to be better in every flawed ways of mine, a little each day.

(feeling) not myself

(thinking) of a paradise with pot at the stretch of your finger

(wanting) to sleep and wake up feeling like a million dollar

(wanting) to make my blog better

(wanting) to finish up 3 of murakami's

(wanting) to write better with much improved english

(believes) english are darn right important and you should be breast-fed with that

(believes) when you die, you indeed go to hell

(not wanting to believe) i'm 24, ugly, fat and poor

(confession) been reading 'the wind up bird chronicle' for more than six months

(cursing) the most miserable of pain to befall on that lil fucker - just die

(further clarification) no one to know who the lil fucker is except for me

My saga with the twilight.

Went down to Jurong Point GV to catch Twilight Sage: New Moon last night.

Eh, Jacob Black is damn HOT luh! I was very awake whenever he's on scene. You don't believe me? Check this out!

Of course I am aware that this photo has been photoshopped before. But he IS really so motherfacking tasty in the show. His body is more comforting than chocolates. I think a handful of girls in the cinema went bonkers in their underwear whenever they see him half naked - me included!

All you Edward Cullen fans, I am afraid you might have to be disappointed because Rob's scenes, as compared to Taylor's, are a tad lesser. After all, that's what "New Moon" is about - Jacob Black.

But to be fair, because I am always in a teeter totter love with both,

Okay this is what I think. If I want to hit out some art galleries, museums or operas, I'll definitely pick Edward because he indeed looks more intelligent and refined as compared to Jacob (you know what they always say, all brawn and no brains. Which is so true, because the brawn I used to go out with has no brains, and those brainers has absolute no brawn.) And as for Jacob, I think I will bring him to beaches, clubs, and anything which doesn't require much socializing.

So what's your pick?

-

I want to rant now. Just what is it with Jurong Point GV to have so many rude and inconsiderate people? It's definitely not my first time having such unpleasant movie experience at Jurong Point GV so I am not passing some remarks based on no grounds. This specific elephant girl behind me was yakking non stop when she and her cliques (elephants too) took their seats behind me. And still is when the movie started. Yakking in cheena moreover!

"这个是 Jacob."

"没有,这个是Edward."

"Edward 是那个很帅的!"

You could almost feel my blood boiling inside. And I didn't want to be rude, I merely turned my head around to stare at her. I swear I was on the verge of telling her to shut up. Because I seriously don't understand why she is there if she couldn't tell who from who. I bet she doesn't even know who Stefanie Meyer is. Luckily for her, she stopped talking so much after a while, but still did, on an occasional basis.

Halfway through the show, another elephant girl talked on her mobile phone. I was hoping hard someone threw this whole school of whales into the Indian Ocean.

Just when you thought it's over, one elephant girl's boyfriend's mobile phone rang.

*some muthafucking cheena song playing... doesn't want to answer or cannot find his bloody cell... muthafucking cheena song playing still...*

Elephant girl #1: "按掉. 快点!" (impatient tone)

Elephant's bf: "我找不到!"

One very empathetic ah beng shouted, "Diam luh! nb!"

-

Remember what Butterfly quoted?

"People who are unequal certainly do not deserve equal chances.

If you are ugly and fucked up, you will be laughed at."

Study hard and earn more dough. Forget about passion.

I watched Singapore Idol last night in an almost agonizing pain. No, it's wasn't entirely because of the contestants themselves. The stage was a horror. If you want to make it somewhat like those stages in American Idol, make sure there's enough room for the contestants to roam about and really 'own' the stage. Otherwise, eliminate the idea of having 'fans' there. It looks like some kinda getais with better lighting.

And if they expect the contestants to sing and dance, why give them a microphone which require one hand to hold? Our contestants are not Lady Gaga nor Chris Brown. They merely had one week odd to rehearse and probably learn their basics for dance. Since we all know that they aren't exactly up to it yet, why didn't anyone make sure that they can perform w/o having the discomfort of trying to 'juggle' the microphone while they sing and do some chikabombom at the same time?

I feel really sorry for the contestants because they didn't have any background vocals to assist them at all. "Crazy in Love" sounds so bad because if you are clever enough, you would know that a messy song arrangement requires very strong vocal arrangement and Tab herself couldn't possibly do it even if she has eight vocal folds. Talk about "Lovestoned" and the rest.

It really does only take no more than a retard to tell that the girls sing better. If a fella was to win, may I suggest that we do not have another season of Singapore Idol. The thought of knowing that Singapore votes so blindly really irritates me. If this was to happen, I will swear myself off the entire Channel 5, not just the Idols.

Insanity.

It's at times like this,

the one good thing about being crazy.

You drank and down those liquor,

you watched those neons lights flashed by.

A whole street of strangers you smiled to,

and watched them through your wet fake lashes.

You walked on, clueless on what's ahead and

what you've left behind.

You couldn't care less,

you just need a moment of insanity

in order to be alive.

Why should you be ashamed?

Hasn't it been everyone's constant pursue to be different?

Calling out to an empty land,

I couldn't hear myself.

I didn't hear your name.

No tears,

No nice goodbyes,

No sirens.

It burned.

It tore our flesh underneath.

The morning awakes,

we woke up to ourselves - nothingness.

Leaving what we had behind,

buried in the darkness of the skies

and stars dead and still.

I am back from Batam. The above pic is the only worthy one to be posted. It's my american breakfast and Des's nasi goreng. We called in the room service, and had to eat on the study table; which nevertheless turned out to be too small for the spread and we had to place the two plates of fruits on our bed.

Being both our first times to Batam, what greeted us was nowhere within our imagination or anticipation. We didn't expect Waterfront city to be so near to Holiday Inn (where we put up at) but anyway, thank god we took the shuttle bus service because taxis there were as pricey as taking them in singapore.

We booked a 1 Bedroom King Bed suite (they promised us a living room, a dining) and what we got was a (if I am not wrong) Queen bed studio suite with no dining area. When called down to confirm with the hotel staff, they assured us that it was a King bed. Being so tired out, and in desperate need of a room, we didn't wreck havoc. Our massage at Tea Tree was good though and that probably is the only thing worth mentioning to any of our friends if we were ever asked.

Went down to Nagoya (we got to know from the hotel staff that it's for shopping) and we left in less than 2 hours after having our A&W, with no shopping bags. Damn boring luh the place, with nothing to buy at all. All sorts of grade F replicas - horror. We hoped for the best and headed down to Batam Ferry Center and left in disappointment again. Then, we spent the rest of our second day at Batam, sleeping away in our hotel room.

Overall, in my opinions, Batam is boring. The next time if I'm to go over again, I'll just do massage.

I want to break free!

Hi! I am finally free!

After a struggling 3 day saga, I finally broke free!

Free from the clutch of a ultra cheena working environment!

Free from a boss whose micro management simply just pisses me.

(she only allows triangular paper clips, not rounded ones. wtf? they still hold papers. you have to write all addresses in the format she writes, as in, you have to write "blk-unit-street" not "blk-street-unit" damn bo liao right?

Okay. I'm going to enjoy my three day weekend gate-away to Batam with my very supportive/loving/caring boyfriend! He wants to take me to a good spa and manicure!

Imma go drink my mom's home made chrysanthemum tea and pack!

What's happening to me?

If you really know me well enough, you would have known by now that I'm a committed employee and I put work in front of everything else, usually.

Recently, I've started to slip away. The lazy bone in me started to take control of my entire motivation to do almost anything. I've skipped work for two days w/o any medical certificate and to total up, I've skipped work for 3.5 days in this month. It's a utterly bad feeling when I think of myself that way, but it remains a fact now that I'm this horrible. Seriously, I don't think I deserve any chance from my employer. I had wanted be let go, but they refused. Not because I think I am good, but because I think they are in urgent need of manpower. And I had to dig them in now, when I know they are so under-manpowered. I just had to. Please slap me anyone?

When I think of my work, I feel uneasy. I do not have any sense of belonging there. I do not click with any of my colleagues and neither does anyone of them smoke (you know when they say smokers can click better with one another, it's true). I feel so left out all the time, but it's seriously fine. I don't need to converse with anyone. I need to be left alone to my own work. But the one thing which I hate is, everyone of them is trying to make me fit in. Y'all should know by now, that socializing remains a great myth to me until today. I find it so difficult to answer questions which are so: 1) apparent to the eyes 2) as if you care?

My mom told me that the biggest flaw which lies in me is that I have zero capability to feign any relation to any Tom, Dick or Harry. And that, this I have inherited from her, on a clashed good and bad note. Why good? Go figure.

I've been spending alot on my credit card. When I did a tabulation just now, my intestines cringed. And apart from the records from the card, I do not have any single clue where the rest of my funds go to. When I spend these days, I still feel unhappy. Is my life really taking its toll on me? Or have I become greedier?

I have a short getaway to Batam this weekend with Des. But I don't feel too thrilled at the idea of it. Something must be wrong with me.

Drift...

A lazy afternoon,

in our years of 17.

Dirty sneakers feet,

the guitar plucked so softly.

The sun was yolk,

the water at its still.

We sat away our afternoons,

quiet being loud,

idling and dreaming...

...of a same tomorrow.

I have the morning dreads sickness...

I have a job right now. Can't say I am at the happiest having this as my bread-giving because I am being micromanaged, and ranted at for wanting to learn, trying very hard to learn. The down thing about it is my inability to retaliate because as of now, it's a fact that I don't know anything and isn't skilled. I have no idea why everyone at work is terrified of my manager. She talks at the top of her voice - yes. Why do they submit themselves to coercive management? Coercive management is the worst kinda of leadership ever practised. Would you rather be feared than to be respected? So much for being a staunched basic human rights believer, I didn't do anything about all those rants except to continue holding my head up high. And during moments like these, I repetitively chanted in my head, that if I am here to learn, I have to swallow it down. Because I am here to steal, and after the loot is in my hands, I shall make my escape.

I wake up in the mornings dreading the idea of working there. I shan't go into relating how I can't click with anyone and everyone at my work. Because it's not only because of that, that I have this tendency to throw up every morning (I'm not pregnant god damn it). Say, the idea of being stranded on an dirty island with nothing around beautiful enough to minimally cheer a dying cancer patient up. I feel like a pig playing in a puddle of mud. Imagine me in such an island. How can these two ever come together as one?

I am a greedy person...

See God. That's the problem with every walking man on earth. We are made to be greedy. Because if we weren't, how would you think the world would have progressed to the state it is today? There will be no blue collar worker coming out to set up his own business and finally made it big which benefits the global economy somewhat. And why's that he had chosen to come out on his own? Because he is greedy, he wants more. He wants more moolah so he could get a prettier wife, wants a Cadillac, wants a Franck Muller. And by proving himself to everyone, he's actually measuring his achievements and worth in a form of materials. And all of the above, you and I are guilty of... I have forgotten the most important thing which I desperately need - the need to be happy.

I've seen myself these days and hence made a comparison - I feel incomplete. It's a never-ending route to deadly luxuries. And I couldn't stop feeling troubled everyday because I am so tormented by the thought of 'being/wearing better than you'. Let us all sign a petition to put Anna Wintour to euthanasia. She's the reason why every girl/woman on earth feels lousy about themselves.

I want to be happy...

I really want to. But I haven't quite figured out what's missing. I feel happy wearing a pair of comfortable flip flops rather than those killer heels. I will feel happy if I wake up to breakfast on the bed. I feel happy after having a good read. I feel happy after having found a track which brings back fond memories of my youth. Or perhaps just a stroll on the beach (when the sun's not so scorching hot luh).

I am capable of my own happiness...

The light in my room fused and I changed it out all by myself this afternoon. I didn't know it could be such simple and easy chore even when I am not very tall. Then I understood that if I wish to attain, it will be possible if I try. So I made myself promise myself that I should try to be happy, no matter what downs should befall on me. And I shan't compare myself to everyone around me anymore, because there's a reason why I call them "others" and myself "me".

Me, myself am the world...

-

"If all mankind were to disappear, the world would regenerate back to the rich state of equilibrium that existed ten thousand years ago. If insects were to vanish, the environment would collapse into chaos."

-Edward O. Wilson

Feel distant,

even when there were words said to everyone,

And their supposed words of concern I have heard.

Perhaps just a artificial smile,

or expression which they or I didn't mean.

A period of four years,

there hasn't been any materialization of true happiness

I have been able to capture.

Sad to mention, there wasn't any basic rapture.

"What is missing?"

I have no clue.

Perhaps the four years shall count on...

I am not hollow inside anymore,

I am just as good as a walking dead.

I need to be understood,

I have been trying my best to make sure I am heard.

Yet, I stand again, all alone against the cold.

Infinitely, alone.

Big boy & his new toy!

For Desmond Wai for being a 28-er; a PS3.

Tata PS2...

Went down town to get Des a toy. Ate at Tonkichi at Orchard central and we were almost worried that it won't taste as good as the one at Taka. Meh. But we were wrong. The coffee jelly is so yummy too! I think it rocks better than the one at PastaCafe. Anyway, the actual day celebration for his birthday is on Monday. I should call Rive now. Brrr. Pokka food group should make us VIPs! Since we're always eating everything under them - Tonkichi, PastaCafe, Rive Gauche...

We are going to Bintan in November!

[edit] Genting again... -.-

I'm in love with my own sins.

It looks like techno is coming back thus hip hop these days is getting worse - perhaps to the extent of being trash. Every (supposedly) hip hop song on the billboard is a remix of the former. Or perhaps everyone like Rihanna, Akon and Sean Kingston only followed suit when T.I brought in the trend? Do they belong to the same company? I personally miss days when LL cool J and Vengaboys drew a thick line between each other. Going mainstream never fails to earn you the bucks and cause you to lose your identity. There are things which should always remain unchanged.

Like Fall Out Boy! Man, I know it's kinda late for me to be talking about them since their latest album released was in December last year! Click click "Folie à Deux"! My personal fave has to be "America's Suitehearts", "Disloyal Order of Water Buffaloes" and "w.a.m.s". Check it out if you haven't!

Ris Low is a joker. Her English is so hilariously atrocious that Maria next door can speak better than her. The judges apparently has impaired hearing. She should make it to "Just for Laughs" instead. Strip her off please!

I have gotten an interview with Chic Magazine next week and I swear I don't really know anything about them. I should hit the newstand later and try to get a copy or so. I AM SO FREAKIN NERVOUS. Like I'll kill and beg to nick this job. God please help me again!

Ugh my tummy is rumbling because I had the Zinger burger combo with Desmond during lunch. The fish sizzlers are crazy spicy and freshly fishy at the same time. I love the texture of the bites but I disgustingly hate the aftermath - endless loo visits.

To Whitney.

Alright peeps! Enough of the crap shit R & B mixed Technos these days! It's finally time for some real music!

Mariah, ya going way too mainstream so make way for Whitney.

I have never seen Whitney enjoyed so much in a Music Video and I swear she can't look better!

I hope she had the Drug Fest kissed her ass goodbye forever. :D

Dear God.

How sad are we?

Their smiles of gloat and glee.

When it all seemed so bleak,

Was it you that I see?

-

There's a big relationship problem between my router and my lappie's wifi. Restaurant city is having a problem to load at this hour of the day. Tell me the students wake up early to revive their chefs and waiters.

The hour I fancy - 0500 to o600 hours.

Have you ever realised that the world seems the quietest and the most at peace with itself during this one short hour? It feels like everyone and everything came to a standstill, awaiting the refulgence of the breaking dawn. No more cats whining about the cold, no more noises from the 'homeless', no more cars whizzing pass, no more whispers of lust and swears of loathes. Perfect quietus.

I used to be regularly healing my hangovers, throbbing headaches, nauseousness at this hour some time back. Time was wasted, but times were fun filled and I derived happiness from careless days. On opposite end now, I am deprived of smiles. I seem to have left something behind or I might have completely lost it. I am not love-driven nor am I fun-driven no more. My break this time round has me waking up each day feeling more like a bum. As if I am my own judge, it's wrong of me to be not doing anything everyday.

I know I haven't been praying to you on a regular basis. And it may seem like I am always exploiting you. But that's the reason why you are God, and I have sinned. I pray to you, if you may, please give my mojo back to me.

Amen.

/winks

Martini extra dry with lotsa olives.

Everyone close enough around me knows that I have had a total career switch recently - retail to shipping. What a worlds apart change! I re evaluated on the things I want for myself, set new goals, altered a little of my aspirations, braced myself up to brand new challenges and found myself struggling for the past two nights trying hard to remember ports' names, countries', provinces', which resulted in the sudden rise of stress level and is definitely the cause of my insomnia. Bear this in mind that I used to flunk my geography back then in school. Traveling is a love, remembering 926 ports is a loathe.

I was scolded because I do know how to spell Bandar Abbas which is in Dubai. I was jeered at because I couldn't be fast enough to give the most precise answer on tariffs and vessels info.

Shippers are impatient people.

Whoever once told me that the world is beautiful has forgotten to add this piece of info that mankind is ugly. I plead to parents and parents-to-be out there to quit telling your kids that everyone should treat one another with grace and kindness. Because I told myself that I should function this way, I ended up being fooled and getting hurt by insensitivity now. If you don't wish your kids to get hurt in the future, tell them the truth.

And as if, everyone is born with a world map etched in their heads.

But whatever it is, it is a job. It is my job. And if I pull through this shithole soon enough, things will look brighter and perhaps I might pull this off somehow.

The Boyfriend.

The boyfriend is the best boyfriend on earth, one could ever find. I shall justify, He has been showering the best support one could ever had, doing a lot of listening of the whines, nags, complains and endless talking. He is not showing any disparaging and instead has been giving advice and encouraging words. A rare catch indeed - he is always here for me.

I miss days being indolent without carrying any woes. However, it seems to me that I have to age like a normal aged - to fear having nothing to claim as achievements under my name when I'm old or be it, nothing to offer myself, my family and my family-to-be.

This is Life in the fast lane.