I try to breathe the toxic out, inhaling the better ones, to keep myself alive and better. Every single morning, a moment for spacing out is inevitable; it's become habitual. I tried walking little steps, moving a bit further from what I don't wish to be, the person in the mirror looks horrible.

I have thousands of thoughts, questions and fantasies. I wonder what suggested the eventuality/birth of my cognitive landscape now. I see my life put on an abrupt halt, yet I know I am moving each single day. Everything which has once befallen on me remains mysteries which I cannot unfold and given patience enough, the time lapses did not even reveal the slightest clues. I do not understand most of the gists. I am blinded as for now. I can't see anything nor feel something. Would the light shine brightly for me again if I don't bother to seek at all? I have no idea.

I sleep beside the ghost of me every morning, wake up at noon, hating the sun but disliking the night. There's no point getting drunk, because a clear head is much needed to feel the pain anticipated within my realm that I have inflicted upon myself intentionally. I dropped smoking in order to inhale the better, and this is a hoax for myself, from myself.

I go out every night, sleep all day.

Listening to Stereophonics makes me a really depressed person.

I had a nap just now. I dreamt of Sheryl S. I haven't been in contact with her ever since the last time I saw her at zouk last year. And I dreamt of her. Surprise surprise.

I do not like to whine. And neither am I a good commiserator. I am a neophyte when it comes to consoles and showing sympathy, not that I don't empathise because I know I am sensitive. I must say, these past few months have slowly trained me into somewhat a person walking alongside with quietus when it comes to my emotions and feelings. I may be afraid to show, I may be afraid to trust anyone. The fact is, I don't think I trust anyone close to me. I find strangers more trustable which I share some of my slightly deeper thoughts with; they can't hurt me any way. They can't betray me because they will never be bothered to judge me. This same piece of sky we are all living under, should be a better place if no one is judgemental at all, where everyone sees everything with closed eyes, an open heart, and an open mind. Tell me that I am correct please.

I can't stand girls. I can't stand those rainy days' emotions flips, and tantrums thrown randomly. I feel so trapped in this house full of women, women with traditional and conventional thinking. So the loss of my iPod is a big trauma for me. I can no longer build my own world, with only myself and whoever that is singing, whatever melody that is ringing, whatever that makes utmost sense to me. I must say all men are subconscious sadists who enjoy chasing and inviting troubles. Not to say I ain't one, because I am worse than trouble. I am someone who's like you - men.

Which is why I wear jeans and converse sneakers. I need to get my job so that I can break free from whatever. And prove the world wrong, which includes those who claim relation and love. Understand that when you love someone, you would not speak intentional cynicism to bring him/her down. Words are scars made flesh. So think twice before those little noises flow out of at the corner of your carelessly drooping lips.

I miss Wenny though.

Last night was fun! Went out with Von and Dylan. It was my first time in my whole life trying to matchmake. We had pizza and some Italiano food at Pizzeria at CHJMES and I suggested hitting dbl o. I am so glad that we did instead of going down to le baroque because I was doing shuffling with muds all night long! Lol? The couple left me alone on the dancefloor and a few muds came over and we did our thang. So this fool here did Sean Paul's way of dancing when Temperature came on and crank that when Soulja Boy's Crank That came. Bwahah! I missed Fish so much. -/mews- Lovey lovey dancing! Haha. When the alcohol smacked in, I turned into an animal and made a fool outta myself. Hmmm...

Met some mortals with low intellectual trying to come up with flashy lines to impress. It was because Dylan acted a pimp and tried to pimp Von and I off. Wtf? So I gave one of the not-so-bright earthlings a sneer. Really quite that. And argh? No photos. I was having one of the cancerian days before the alcohol all kicked in. Pardon pardon.

My thoughts and emotions are all clustered up into Morse code once again, and it's nothing unusual, really. Dots, spaces and dashes. This state of confusion is what wrecked minds always got themselves into. Waddle on, Chrissy.

For someone whom I have heard alot but barely know. Because I know her, Wenny. I feel so angry towards you. But at the same time, I am grinning, gloating over the state you were in, you are gonna be in. This girl here, is going to give it to you good at last. And let them all hit you, bring you down to a complete loss. A complete loss of everything, all to none.

Karma does exist bastards out there. For those who weave and brag stories and spin lies, using the name of Love, sadly, you'd never attain the level you want to be seen on. If you are comfortable and ignorant of what pity plight you are in, I am sorry, I don't know what I can save you from. If you think you can jolly well make use of anyone who loves you wholeheartedly, take advantage of this emotion, go ahead and bathe yourself in your own sweet narcissistic and selfish fantasies. Love begets compromise, forgiveness, understanding and trust. There is no such thing as not meant to be, because that is what you chose to accept, that is what you chose to believe, that is your so called Faith. I may be blinded as for now, but I know one thing for sure, I made a choice. And when I made a choice, I know I want things to work out. And no matter how rocky and tedious the path ahead may seem, I know I stick to what I have made and I won't go back on it to make a complete fool out of myself by insulting my initial decision. This is my Faith.

Miserably, you have to be this way. You have told me the wonders of what we are able to create, put so much hopes for me to pin onto, yet chose to shatter each and single one of the dreams with your bare hands. Do your hands even reek of blood? No. Because it's my blood which was on my white tiled floor, it was my tears which I cried into every single night. You made me believe what I am capable of doing, yet when I realised I indeed am, you chose other glorious paths ahead of you. The one whom you used to chase, this same old chase, you target it at others. Everyone and anyone but not and never is going to be me. Is this a routine chore for you? Because I am saying now, you would never fathom the void you have left in my world. This very sentence I said to you that night to stay away from me because what I was left with were fragments of me. And you, just have to break me within these fragments I have got left. The void now seems larger. It's a black hole now. Caliginous enough for anyone to dwell. But no, I won't. Because... You are not worth it. No and never. And for you, I won't.

A part of me didn't die when you chose to let this go.

I died when me, myself am the world.

The notebook.

I hid under my computer table again. I knew clearly that my phone won't ring this time. And I watched the show for the third time. Touched by the Love, glad that you asked me to watch your favorite Love story of all time. I will eventually get close to you if I remain rooted on this spot and think. I still feel you.

Our love can create miracles.

Almost here.

Did I hear you right?
Cause I thought you said
Let's think it over
You have been my life
And I never planned
Growing old without you
Shadows bleeding through the light
Where the love once shined so bright
Came without a reason
Don't let go on us tonight
Love's not always black and white
Haven't I always loved you?

Bruised and battered by your words
Dazed and shattered, now it hurts
Haven't I always loved you?

If by staying miserable is the only way I could get closer to you, I'd live in it.

Stupid for you.

Let's dance little stranger

Show me secret sins

Love can be like bondage

Seduce me once again

Burning like an angel

Who has heaven in reprieve

Burning like the voodoo man

With devils on his sleeve

Won't you dance with me

In my world of fantasy

Won't you dance with me

Ritual fertility

Like an apparition

You don't seem real at all

Like a premonition

Of curses on my soul

The way I want to love you

Well it could be against the law

I've seen you in a thousand minds

You've made the angels fall

I say,

I'll dedicate Nouvelle Vague's Melt With You.

They're dancing in the rain.

I am so stupid for you.

/mew

Weekend runaway 12th - 14th January 2008.

We were crazy.

I said you'd never fathom.

I exchanged a hefty lot of smses today. I think it's impressive.

But unlike the previous time I made this statement, instead of feeling like I am such fortunate to have found him, I feel like Titanic. That night, that fateful night, I had blood rushed to my face, head ached, heaved a deep breath and made a choice; muttered Yes. I was skeptical. I was hurt, but yet I trust, I believe. How Time can prove difference... I guess I would never fathom how the ticking hands work, the changing fortunes of time. But I know hurt, pain and melancholy. I know my naiveness, my gulibility to be too trustful of others that I have to, time and time again, placed my happiness in the hands of the others'. My heart broke within fragments again and again. There's only a hollow box not knowing how and what to feel, just pumping blood, just keeping me breathing and alive. What was said, what was done, what had happened during this period and what had caused things to evolved to the way they are today? Perhaps God should have been kinder to me. To show me the hidden tragedies of everything that had been exchanged and conveyed before I caught myself all tied up in this web. I got out of it once, got lifted, thinking that there is, he might be, he most probably would be because he is ethereal, genuine, sincere and honourable. Yet... yet...

Are there still provocative arguments to the way we are today? If there is none, it means the end. A closure in which I do not wish to believe that it is there, because it's Faith you guided me to, it's Our Story you promised. I am no longer the light on the dark side of you because you chose to deny the light that I shine. I am not your rose which hits your gloom on your grey because you are no longer a greying tower alone on the sea. And the more you get of me, it doesn't feel stranger because you don't wish to choose me to be a growing addiction you can't deny. And this is irking you like tiny little poison molecules trying to burst themselves out through every running veins within your body, your soul. When you decided to throw everything away, did you even look back?

I want you to be my final tree. The final one I would seek shelter under and solace within because I believe you have whatever it takes to be superior albeit the difference in age: two years junior. The maturity I had thought you possessed, that you are wise enough to know what you are saying, what you were saying, what you are doing, what you had done. Time proves difference. I have yet again become a murder victim of the Time's homicide. I can't say you don't lie. Because whatever way you put it, whichever way words are going to be exchanged, it would just prove you did, you do, inevitably, one way or another.

Depths of bittersweet melancholy

why do we shed tears of sorrow,

albeit the knowledge we would be stronger,

days and days after tomorrow?

To be strong, we need to be selfish, perhaps narcissistic to some extent. To be always placing ourseleves amongst centers of others, to be always placing ourselves before others. We do not care nor worry about others' pain, nor the lonely nights they have to deal with alone. We would have our own flare and flamboyance with people to be concerned with. The way we want to portray ourselves to so many whom we wish to own for a momentary period of time, for a spur. The way we would want to talk, to attract the attention in order to fill up the voids of insecurities within. The attention gained somehow, brings us up to another level which we would eventually think, yes, this is real, the way I want to feel, the way I want to own who I wish to own, this is real. This is me.

"...for the world is full of trickery.But let this not blind you to what virtue there is...

...be yourself.

Especially, do not feign affection.

Neither be cynical about love;

for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment

it is as perennial as the grass."

-Max Ehrmann's Desiderata

Witho_t.

I could tell a million lies and it would come as no surprise.

I am guilty.

I have successfully made someone who loves and adores me, hates me.

And it's all because of my own wrongdoings.

Love does begets forgiveness.

But scars remain as an eternity.

I am sorry.

I could never forget the way you looked at me at MOS burger. Sitting just directly opposite.

Cliched from this song.

"You and me...

Everything she does is beautiful.

Everything she does is right."

Mortal love.

Tell me about it.

Somebody.

NY Avenue 5.

Firstly I would like to comment how small this world can get. Turns out both Wenny and I know Daric Su. Yes. We both have known him for years. Wtf? How advanced can networking get these days.

Love, meaning to care, to keep from harm, never to hurt, never to inflict pain on purpose for guilty pleasure, its main objective to create happiness and not to restrict it, or to destroy it. And that is why, regardless of problem, issue, regardless of what happens and what had been done, I always return to square one to tell you I love you. I always have, always will, because what I felt never changed. Accepting more does not mean you push further, it doesnt mean you push me to the brink, because there is none, because the boundary is me.

I never plan to inflict any manners of pain upon people that I love and if I really have to, you would be the last and you would always be the one, only right after I have cut myself. I wish to protect you. I want to protect you. You told me that if I scratch the walls of your palms, poison will ooze out to drown me slowly. So because of what you've said, I cut off my nails and make sure they are always trimmed. But I see plain me trying to perform a dance like a ballerina in the middle of your open palms, trying to stay buoyant on this sea of poison, struggling for gulps of breath to stay alive. I know I have to be on my own and to be too dependent on you emotionally is a big game of risks. I have no idea when would you plan to sink me right into the bottom of the deep cold ocean bed. I could really live forever in cold dark silence.

I can never stay angry with you for long. I reckon my anger with you could only last for minutes, the longest ever, I think was only two hours. After which, I would always find myself running back to you. As if I was the one who's in wrong. You commented that I have been trying too hard to show, shoving my way forcefully in, trying to show how earnest I am always. I really could have been a bitch and stayed angry forever until your words of mollify comes along. But I didn't. Because I don't want you to go through this. Everything that is happening to you is pain. And I feel your pain. I don't want you to have yet another pain of needing to placate me. And all that I am doing is because I love you, as simple as that. Perhaps if I could have been a little bit strong headed, you might just learn how to cherish me a little more. If I am a mosaic of 100 pieces, you are a hundredfold of mine. I could never chase, not because I am not trying hard enough, it's just that you don't wish to unlock the chains around my feet because you think I am trying too hard. I think this is how you are punishing me. Chrisma is a circus clown; no one cares about the face under the mask.

I am talking in riddles once again.

Our story is sadomasochistic. It's turning out to be more interesting than a sado porn flick. It's a sado mind flick. I wish there's some spoofs along your script, so that I can laugh a little instead of smacking myself with alcohol every night to sleep. I have alot of psychological problems with myself now. This is not an euphemism for every misconduct that I have had. And it's definitely not an excuse. I am a caffeine and nicotine addict. I do not wish to add another addiction to that unglamourous list. I feel neglected. And you feel more like a dream now.

Speaking of porn flicks, I do not understand why do 'they' say Japanese produce the best porn flicks. Firstly, it's always the girl(s) acting all coy and shy and polite. Secondly, Japanese men really have the smallest pricks like baby cucumbers that my guinea pigs really have a liking for. Thirdly, what the fuck is with the AV girls not shaving?! Who are 'they' anyway?

I am going to swim like a dolphin tomorrow and I can't wait.

I love this naughty boy so much till I am turning psychotic.

Bibulous affairs of the twilights.

For Aloysius T-

A journal stumbled on by chance of destiny hands this afternoon which got me hesitating and questioning my own level. The sinister downright despicable side of me had an utmost uncontrollable urge to flip and browse through pages which I have been wanting to do; a yearn for truth. I halted, excogitated the stoop of level I would be in if I had proceeded and decided to shut the ring notebook tight. And that I have a fetish for ring notebooks and designer boxes, which I have a collection of them. It was a suspiciously unintentional act. I do admit I had that deleterious thought, however, I am well aware of the level I am standing on now. I do not want to invade into anyone's privacy. Perhaps I was afraid to eye some words which I do not wish to see at all, which I pretty much think, most probably they would bring me down to a complete wreckage of rust. If there indeed were, truths and words of reality, I mean. Perhaps is the word, your pet phrase. Be angry if you must, but forgive me for I did put up a fight with myself.

A complete brought down to a complex of inferiority when I chanced upon a painstakingly made calendar which every bit of it was carefully and meticulously made with all the effort she could muster. I felt her heart. I could have done one of its kind too. I did one before, and I have done a thousand stiches of cross work. It was fear which is holding me back from giving everything that I am capable of doing for you. Maybe I am just not as confident as I used to be. Perhaps it didn't even cross my mind now that these works of effort could prove something valid and strong enough for emotional insides to stir and churn. Perhaps I am just selfish now that I want to have something in return, perhaps I can't do it unconditionally anymore. The recent episodes have their own validity of this factual fear that is striking hard on me all the time. And I really need you. My pleads of help call out to you, that I need assurance that everything is alright, even though I have no courage at all to design something worthy enough to be placed right next to the beautiful calendar. This feeling kills even now with the recollection of the beauteous work of art. I feel like a zero.

You peered out of the window, I looked at you within a distance not more than 5 metres. It happened. We both felt what we were feeling at that point of time when our eyes locked. With your arms placed lazily on the window ledge, chin resting upon, I saw everything in your eyes. I know you are there. I sensed and felt with my stark naked heart even when my vision was not exactly clear. We know what was exchanged for that spur of time. Only and just, us.

My dismay, my disappointment, I still find myself locked up from the inside of the rocks which were blocking the exit of my cave. This time around, a chain was firmly holding my feet. To escape, I would have to saw off my feet. My painfully chained legs are hurting with crimson colour blood all around my ankles. My mindset is now all full of drive to charge forward. I have the enough courage to pick myself up and sprint towards what I should be reaching. I disgust myself and I need to work this out now. And you happen to have the key to unlock the chain. If you would kindly do, after which, we should be removing those rocks together with what we both rightfully feel for each other deep inside, and await the warm rays of sunlight to be shone upon us. I can shine brighter with you holding my hands, after my escape that you would help out with. I know I can.

My love. It's a new year. A new beginning. We should embrace this fate thrown to us. And cherish it while we can. I do not wish you to be a rotten apple tree along my memory lane. Naively, I want you to be my final tree. You have all the fruits of knowledge, branches of wisdom and rustling leafs of love you are capable of offering, which I will always find myself to be hungry for. Though my mind isn't as ethereal as compared to yours, which is why, I told you, I never plan to outwin you. I just need you to teach and guide. I need you.

I need you.

Deck the halls with cries and follies.

Hilariously, the Christmas of this year's was celebrated by sirens and plentiful of policemen with statements taken down and not to mention, loss of numerous pricey possessions. So say goodbye to my beloved iPod nano, and tons and tons and tons. I spun a web of lies. Lies to protect someone, lies to blind the officials, lies to call bluff my family, perhaps even lies to commemorate myself, that what I was doing was worthwhile, what I have lost was nothing as compared to what I should gain, even when turkey and ham were sitting with the pretty condiments on your dinner table, while I was trying hard to chase what should be rightfully mine from a nonage with malice.

Ponder on for now, what have I gained. I keep you warped up, safe from dirty pointing fingers, yet what I received at the other end of this truth-proof shield was a finger pointing back at me. I tried to gently adjust this finger elsewhere, justifying every single act that I have conducted, every white harmless lie or even plain angry words that I have conveyed. Alas, no matter how much I have done was proven futile. So I hide in my dark cave and chose solitude, harbouring the only thought that you would come one day to save me. And this thought butterflied into a Faith which I thought nevertheless would come true somehow, because Faith was what I have in you initially, and all this while.

The rocks of the walls of my cave came tumbling down like big drops of poison landing hard on my frail body. I was locked from the inside and I had no strength at all to move the big drops of poison away from me. So I chose alcohol smacked for days to while away, still there's no signs of empathy or even sympathy. To brighten up the days of the others', the grace I could do was to only utter hypothetical laughters that I forcefully had to choke them out of my lungs, smiles that I had to try so backbreaking to fake, deluding myself that, yes I am indeed happy. At last and finally the wait was over, to be greeted by yet another delay, another procrastination of hushes and words which should be rightfully said, and heard. Which now, my cries of help and bawls could only be heard in inharmonious echoes ringing and endlessly in this dark alcohol reeked cave. And I have no one I could whine to, I could talk to, because the ultimate reason I am still holding onto is to keep you safe.

I have myself wondering all the time. And I read Wenny's blog and understood the gnomics which she was trying to say for her case and I can totally relate how she is feeling right now to how I am fucking myself up right now. The only difference is, she has chosen her heart to be remained on a stasis for someone, yet I have opened up mine to someone else not Bennett. Amusingly, both of us are still ironically identical though. Stranded, and standing on a gelid rock on naked feet, with vast waves of unrest turmoils trying to drown ourselves. Thank God I have my anti depressants and my sleeping aid, which apparently can't last me till my next session with my beloved shrink.

Who says Loving is easy? Who did say that it's the most wonderful thing on earth? Perhaps it could have been. When both parties are still in doubt of what the precarious tomorrow may bring. I have thought that love begets forgiveness. However all that I am seeing now is, I am the biggest fool on earth to be still standing firmly by my own belief until today, this very moment. To have seen, and felt the pain of so many around, I wonder whether if it does exists now. We so hope we'd be loved by the person we love. We sway so much in the winds of dilemma between to stay or to leave. Every night without fail, we muster up enough courage to whisper Goodbye. Every morning we wake up in a tremor like a heart brought back to life by shocks of electrifying noises. Our eyes open, greeted by nothing but the whiteness and emptiness of the ceiling, tears will no longer flow, because it's at that very moment, the heart breaks within fragments and pieces, that it no longer calls out for neurons of sorrow.

Do we look back one day down memory lane and look at all the rotten apple trees? At the end of the road, which tree would be the one standing strong against the winds of uncertainties and precariousness? We never know. Not until it's over, and we realise the rotten ones even existed.

"Desperate for changing

Starving for truth

Closer to where I started

Chasing after you"

Heart.

A conversation which was delayed and procrastinated for a reason. A reason so apparent which two different individuals were so blinded to see when the surly dark clouds gradually skyed the whole horizon of grey for the sands of time of years. The reason being, it did happened. It was there. It is still there. Captured like a thriving firefly in a crystal clear cognitive chamber.

And it will remain this way, finally, forever.

Touched to tears,

of joy,

and plain ignorance of unintentional pain inflicted.

We survive and live.

We remember.

We, indeed.

Try.

I should say, this spot I am standing on right now, is the verge, the limit to everything I can take. Struggled between she and she, I do not even know who I am. No matter who I am, I do not seem to make anything right. So the more I try, the more I cry. Until I couldn't take it, I inflicted the last, the deepest wound made flesh. Scars are histories written on your body but those could never amount to those inflicted upon the heart. And this human heart looks like a fist and is pumping with blood.

With my pool of blood on the floor, won't you even realise how vulnerable I am even if I keep trying to portray that I am strong enough to see through everything? Yet I am just so tired. And all I can do, is to muster this least bit of remaining strength I have got within my very basic skeletal to keep moving on, keep breathing. I can only fight alone, and I am fighting alone.

Words enveloping my world, eradicating all I shouldn't be doing, all I should not be. Do I even sway my ground and mimic myself into someone who is ultimately not myself? Or should I be a mendicant for all sympathy and hope for empathy? And the least bit of understanding that I should truly deserve from all whom claimed love, claimed relation.

My insomnia has got me on doped, and so am I relying on anti depressants. Yet, the dissonance in this cognitive chamber of mine, keeps functioning in such an inharmonious way in which I have no control over, and I lost myself in a black hole. I do know, they say it's up to myself. But what if myself is so damaged till it's so near to extirpation that any trip of spark is enough to fan yet another amber in my Life?

I comprehend the precariousness of tomorrow, but with this bit of respect and immaculate Love I have remaining for you, I've blinded myself of everything you are doing. I am still making myself believe that every artifice about you is lyrically ethereal. This is Faith. Yet, you forcefully sucked every breath of Faith I have into a perdition so caliginous, so bottomless that I find impossible to feel a dead end with my outstretched arms. You came with a begging plead last night. So who did my pleads of mercy called out to when I was sprawled undone? We don't grace each other, we never did.

Pellucidly, we'll both snap each other, cry bitterly into each's embrace and lay dead on where we rightfully started off from.

-AT

The surly season has hit Singapore again. But hey, Christmas is just around the corner. We should all perk up and wait for this lovely (favorite of mine!) day to arrive. Past years' Christmas was spent with my dearest ex lover who is much of a Casanova wannabe now. Hah. Sorry DG. Speaking of which, he is such a nutcase that he thought I still meant ba[B]y when I called him B the other day. To just dampened his ever-growing ego, I had explained that my text was exceeding one, so just typed B. Frankly speaking, his initial's a B wat! Wth. I offered to exchange prezzie with this Nutcase and he was like saying... Okay, but my prezzie would be less than 5. How realistic can this guy get?

I look at things at different angles. I reckon I am made this way, not because I am really designed to inflict my morbid fascination onto my thoughts. Been such a little girl for so long, I think it's time I grow up. I should grow up. And still act young at the meantime. Hah.

Like what this special person has once said, there are more to love. Though we tend to be clouded by this very word, we should try to look at things the bigger picture way all the time. Sometimes, love just ain't enough isn't it? We made mistakes, said words we never meant to mean, we do not fathom the gravity behind these words. They could carry pain, hurt, joy, or perhaps just hollowness. And I, as a human, I do have my fair share of mistakes. Mistakes I wish I never had done, mistakes that I still feel regretful up till this day. But I am just learning. Learning to be responsible for my own actions, and words that I have once carelessly said. So Karma isn't only about one party cheating on one party hey! Sighs. It's always too late to do something about something isn't it?

I have no idea why I am so composed now. I did bawled like a little kid who lost his favorite teddy bear a moment ago. I guess, I am normal. I picked myself up, took a long shower, and started to see things which ain't warped in my world. I do not blame, nor do I point my lousy finger. It takes two hands to clap for all the things that have happened. I know I play a major role for the way things turn out today. And he is just the supporting cast. To keep harping on how difficult it is for two out of 9 billion to meet and fall in love is a sentimental thought. I am not the only one in this world. I am just a little pea out of 9 billion peas. The thought of losing him may hurt now, but hey, we've all been through this. And we know that Time will prove everything. Doesn't matter who's right/wrong, who's done more, who's given more. The only thing which matters, is that it once existed. Goshie, I sound so positive now I think I am disgusting myself. I need to puke.

The pain of truth, we find it hard to shake that all the time. I don't like to quote cliches because I feel that they are way too overused. So I never allow myself to even say what won't kill you would only make you stronger. I believe what won't kill you would only make you funnier. Hah. And they usually says, when God closes one door, He opens up another. I thought "When God closes one door, He tends to slam the rest in your face." sounds perky and quite real. I don't mean to be pessimistic. I just thought I would be realistic for once. C'mon. Life isn't always a bed of beautiful roses. You never know what seeds God accidentally (perhaps on purpose) planted. Being too optimistic doesn't help you to grow at all. It just hinders your progress of being sensitive. Duh!

The world is full of ugly things that you can't change. Pretend it's not that way, is my idea of faith.

The very fact that I know I'll live, is the only thing I would need now to look forward to the future. Meanwhile, I will still attend my medicals. To rid myself of Chrissy, and never let her come back into my life again.

Okay I am so sleepy now. Time to cuddle pillows!

=)

Lil star.

I blind myself of the things I couldn't bear to see. I know how I am like, so I choose to sway now. My soul would be wandering ever again, I know I would never come to a rest.

So like what Harry's been taught, in order to perform a pratonus charm, I thought about the happy things.

I thought of what DG said, when I pulled him out to shop for my last V day prezzie, "I could just give you 500 bucks and let you shop till you are tired, but just let me sit down have a coffee, smoke my lungs away and wait can?!" I couldn't help but to burst out in laughter. Aww... Darn it. Still owes me a trip to the pet shop and katong chicky rice can. /sneers

I am feeling so shagged out after all the episodes. I don't wish to be fantasizing about things anymore neither would I wanna live in delusion. I do not wish to live in my made beliefs. I have had enough of my own nonsense. It's time I get myself healed and cured, attend my medicals, and myself.

Shopping with Fish never felt better! We sashay on the same fashionista thread! Everywhere is having Xmas sale! Guess, Marciano, AX and etc. Just prepare your credits! Bah! I swear to own this White dress I saw at Marciano! It is only like 95 buckaroos? Hmm... ROAR!

This post is very $^YT^#$%. And I like it, totally!

-this SIA girl is diggin me. Awww....

The other side of the story.

I can't do it anymore.

I need to land my pride.

It's cold.

As if he would read this.

Pointless.

An invidious affair.

I love baking. To me, baking is a process of understanding yourself. Unlike cooking, which everything has to be fast, precise on the dot. The process of baking involves much patience and meticulousness. From the preparation of the mix, the beating of the eggs, the adding of ingredients, the wait of the outcome, every part of the process, is worth a little fantasy to be aroused, a bit of my brain to wander about. Or perhaps, this brain of mine just requires a little more time to churn, which so explains I can't cook.

I found this Oreo Cheesecake recipe, which I gladly name it, Snow on a Stove.

Later then, I found out that he is fond of Crimson, I then looked up for Strawberry cake recipes, and have decided to name the one I am going to bake, A Crimson Cavalcade, an appropriate name for what has been going around, about us I guess.

I thought everything is within my control. I had imagined the loveliest, and dreamt of magic. To great disappointment of so many around me, I have to confess that I can never be a realist. Which is why, I chose to shun, because I know I have failed. And it's pointless for me to justify, or explain. I don't plan to get anyone involved, ultimately, I know it's only I who has to be answered to. Even if I ended up damaged, I don't want to permit myself to have anyone to blame, but myself.

My ex lover commented how I am such a believer in the whole ideology of love. That I am still living in my own world, and how I can be such a sweet girl if I can be less emotional. I find his words extremely contradicting. Funnily, why would he even want to express his regrets for not appreciating me a little more back then if he thinks I am like that.

I don't know how to feel now. I can't even express how I feel inside right now. I believe there's a jet lag involved, this is such a lame self-consolation. And I like it.

I can't help but wait. As long as I wish to surrender my heart, to see you, for what you really are. What can I do, or rather what am I supposed to do. I keep coming up with arguments to resist those which has been ringing endlessly, time and time again. Simple yet, provocative arguments like the handing of the numerous prized possessions, the look in your eyes the day I walked away, the kiss. Is my naked heart sensing what I only want to feel? Or is this self-delusion that intense to blind me of the crystal clear truths? And am I wrong at all to express my doubts after everything that has happened which propels to question my own confidence?

I have been told that I am a mystery novel myself. I so wish to be read like an open book. Turns out, I got caught in a suspense thriller.

A beauty;

of the ethereal side,

materialised a baleful vision.

plunged a devious kiss,

thief'd the doleful soul,

a bottomless perdition;

I hereby dwell.

where do I land my pride?

Today.

Cleavage.doll.no inordinate self fascination.

Ben. jackass.grinned.how she might feel.im evil.but yay!

Spoof NYDC @ Heeren.lala croft tuna salad.ran like punks.

reminder.daric su.wtf?!

STS.im a stalker.

im a bitch,punk,psycho.

talk in riddles.

We went feasting.

Got nabbed for eating ice cream during winter.

A dog affair between a sadist and a masochist.

And I swear I look like Cartman in my winter coat.

Camwhored while waitin for the big feast.

Then it's to SG for doctor, and back.

Perhaps.

She recumbent awake.

Flickering flames she eyes,

her mind is somewhere far away.

Dressed in her favourite black dress,

the belief of being black,

yet her heart's painted white.

Distantly, she hears hymns.

Alas, in her heart sings a requiem.

They have gathered, for the feast.

A soul held repose.

She whispers,

"Now that your rose is in bloom,

a light hits the gloom on the grey."

the same skies,

the same moon,

the same stars.

us, living by days,

the same patch of cloudiness.

the same ticking hands,

alas, distance never felt this empty.

I am a liar,

yet again, once.

Hi there. I am a ninja in pink.

It started as crankiness last Sunday. I didn't think much why I was acting this way, I soon realised that it's my body sending lil signals to my mind that I was going down. So it happened. My body is officially rejecting every minerals and nutrients I forcefully tried shoved em down my throat. I didn't know how in sync my mind is with my body until today.

I know I am far from becoming who I've always wanted me to be. Too far to be exact. But this one thing I know, is that I am changing. From the damaged mind I once had, to a brand new one. That morbid interest should never be included in my profile again, the blade shall never be raised again. Afterall, isn't what this soul vacation should be?

All thanks to the endless puking, I suppose I have thrown up every bad I had.

The weather now, the color of the sky reminds me so much of that evening... When Lisa Ono was playing, when it was dark, and lonely. Then I remembered what I was thinking, it's me. On what I have been through, and when would I be able to throw them all behind. I doubted my capability, not until this morning greeted me.

I very much wish to wake up to my family, but I knew what I was offered. The thoughts of laughter embraced me like a million gold dust sprinkled all over. I know I am loved no matter who I am, no matter what I have been through. I know me.

I started to ponder on dreams, how I have confused dreams with Life. Dreams of your own are for yourself solely to keep, and that dreams that everyone is giving us are just merely games of risks and chances. If I were to live in dreams created by you, would I be accused of being hypothetical? Or would you adore me because I am willing to be part of your fantasy...

I thought of my favorite thing to do back home. To sit by with my favorite tropical passion latte, to while time away while watching onlookers. To listen to the speeches they were having, to see those looks on their faces, to observe and to understand. I somehow feel now, that to understand everyone around us, is such taxing chore to do. That is, if that someone doesn't wish to be comprehended, no matter how much penetration, it's us who would end up being baffled. I will finally, put my mind to rest, and to let everything settles on me, instead of chasing them.

-Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart's Ave Maria

The same ambience now, without my bed, without my curtains, not within my comfort zone. No one there to tell me that dinner's ready, no squeals of hunger, no one to whisper I love you. Faith isn't something to keep. It's shared by two parties, and that when one is having, one is not, it becomes a mere word. I have Faith in myself and you, which I thought I have the ability to be forgiving, and I had thought it isn't one sided. The vital truth hits me. I have finally stripped myself of everything I once were with my crimson hands. The Time intertwined but yet, ticked us by.

My emotions and thoughts, crystal clear and calm as water. Alas, to great dismay, they are for me to seal up now; my heart.

I couldn't control the sleek eyes from watering, I stood rooted.

Mono.

I went to the doc today again. It's the third time of the week. She had wanted to inject me again and if I had the strength to run, I would have. So I gave her a miserable look...

The look on her face was so funny today.

I had to curb those lil giggles.

I climbed over a fence.

I heard laughters.

Words.

The nastiest a human brain could even make up.

They damage and kill.

And when they are made flesh.