So it has been a while since the day I decided to drop my sketch book/journal and leave it at home. My tendencies to read and do poetry certainly has dropped. Strings of emotions and thoughts were neatly packed away, in accord with the avoidance of them. I had spare time to waste today after a very meaningless early meeting. And after having caught a movie and sending my dress to alteration, I took a long bus ride home, remembering that I need to sort out my thoughts.
The objective being the want to tell him that I fancy him and the need to tell myself not to.
It's peculiar to even have an objective in the first place. Because in the end, no conviction was concluded. However, the slow walk through the tiny shops at FEP were soothing enough to stop thinking about this for a spur.
One very unfamiliar door may seem uninviting, but it opens welcomely to another. The fear of not wanting to venture into an uncomfortable zone seems natural enough. But what if I happen to be one of those who needs risks and challenges in order to grow and yet, too proud to not want to risk any sort of rejection? I would call contingency plan. But what if there's none? And it backfires till this extent that the platform both he and I are standing on begin to tumble? If there's no room for salvation, things would get ugly. One thing for sure, I am still trying hard to will my emotions.
I had an emphatically urge breaking out of my threshold, wanting to tell him that I do indeed feel for him. It was an almost reckless idea because given my impatient nature, I know I would worsen this whole thing. And if I had told him, he may not need to reciprocate and leave it unrequited. But what if the aftermath of my confession, was the gravity of my feelings being too heavy for him to handle? I had the text typed, and decided not to send it with a very loud shut of my phone. I stared out of the window, and suddenly, the leaves around me started to fall from where they branched. At that point of time, I thought I saw AT's shadow. A very vague image of his smug face, a confident one, which tells everyone around him that he knows he's good. The same face I saw the afternoon I left him. I haven't felt this strong towards anyone after AT. And the fear of another bad ending taunts and daunts me. My genesis of this ego now, cannot risk any form of fragmentation. And just when I was done with the idea of being alone, the intrusion of his presence had to call on me.
I swayed my beliefs again. And I want to fall in love this badly, that I think I need to turn psychotic on myself. Let's not forget that I am a cryptic crossword ninja and I absolutely love mind games with little teases and flirts.
Freedom
when gravity loses its grip,
the lightness on your feet,
time stands still.
"...the saddest girl wants to love so that she could die."
P.S who on earth, told me that safari web browser was good when it just hanged on me thrice!
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