What's happening to me?

If you really know me well enough, you would have known by now that I'm a committed employee and I put work in front of everything else, usually.

Recently, I've started to slip away. The lazy bone in me started to take control of my entire motivation to do almost anything. I've skipped work for two days w/o any medical certificate and to total up, I've skipped work for 3.5 days in this month. It's a utterly bad feeling when I think of myself that way, but it remains a fact now that I'm this horrible. Seriously, I don't think I deserve any chance from my employer. I had wanted be let go, but they refused. Not because I think I am good, but because I think they are in urgent need of manpower. And I had to dig them in now, when I know they are so under-manpowered. I just had to. Please slap me anyone?

When I think of my work, I feel uneasy. I do not have any sense of belonging there. I do not click with any of my colleagues and neither does anyone of them smoke (you know when they say smokers can click better with one another, it's true). I feel so left out all the time, but it's seriously fine. I don't need to converse with anyone. I need to be left alone to my own work. But the one thing which I hate is, everyone of them is trying to make me fit in. Y'all should know by now, that socializing remains a great myth to me until today. I find it so difficult to answer questions which are so: 1) apparent to the eyes 2) as if you care?

My mom told me that the biggest flaw which lies in me is that I have zero capability to feign any relation to any Tom, Dick or Harry. And that, this I have inherited from her, on a clashed good and bad note. Why good? Go figure.

I've been spending alot on my credit card. When I did a tabulation just now, my intestines cringed. And apart from the records from the card, I do not have any single clue where the rest of my funds go to. When I spend these days, I still feel unhappy. Is my life really taking its toll on me? Or have I become greedier?

I have a short getaway to Batam this weekend with Des. But I don't feel too thrilled at the idea of it. Something must be wrong with me.

Drift...

A lazy afternoon,

in our years of 17.

Dirty sneakers feet,

the guitar plucked so softly.

The sun was yolk,

the water at its still.

We sat away our afternoons,

quiet being loud,

idling and dreaming...

...of a same tomorrow.

I have the morning dreads sickness...

I have a job right now. Can't say I am at the happiest having this as my bread-giving because I am being micromanaged, and ranted at for wanting to learn, trying very hard to learn. The down thing about it is my inability to retaliate because as of now, it's a fact that I don't know anything and isn't skilled. I have no idea why everyone at work is terrified of my manager. She talks at the top of her voice - yes. Why do they submit themselves to coercive management? Coercive management is the worst kinda of leadership ever practised. Would you rather be feared than to be respected? So much for being a staunched basic human rights believer, I didn't do anything about all those rants except to continue holding my head up high. And during moments like these, I repetitively chanted in my head, that if I am here to learn, I have to swallow it down. Because I am here to steal, and after the loot is in my hands, I shall make my escape.

I wake up in the mornings dreading the idea of working there. I shan't go into relating how I can't click with anyone and everyone at my work. Because it's not only because of that, that I have this tendency to throw up every morning (I'm not pregnant god damn it). Say, the idea of being stranded on an dirty island with nothing around beautiful enough to minimally cheer a dying cancer patient up. I feel like a pig playing in a puddle of mud. Imagine me in such an island. How can these two ever come together as one?

I am a greedy person...

See God. That's the problem with every walking man on earth. We are made to be greedy. Because if we weren't, how would you think the world would have progressed to the state it is today? There will be no blue collar worker coming out to set up his own business and finally made it big which benefits the global economy somewhat. And why's that he had chosen to come out on his own? Because he is greedy, he wants more. He wants more moolah so he could get a prettier wife, wants a Cadillac, wants a Franck Muller. And by proving himself to everyone, he's actually measuring his achievements and worth in a form of materials. And all of the above, you and I are guilty of... I have forgotten the most important thing which I desperately need - the need to be happy.

I've seen myself these days and hence made a comparison - I feel incomplete. It's a never-ending route to deadly luxuries. And I couldn't stop feeling troubled everyday because I am so tormented by the thought of 'being/wearing better than you'. Let us all sign a petition to put Anna Wintour to euthanasia. She's the reason why every girl/woman on earth feels lousy about themselves.

I want to be happy...

I really want to. But I haven't quite figured out what's missing. I feel happy wearing a pair of comfortable flip flops rather than those killer heels. I will feel happy if I wake up to breakfast on the bed. I feel happy after having a good read. I feel happy after having found a track which brings back fond memories of my youth. Or perhaps just a stroll on the beach (when the sun's not so scorching hot luh).

I am capable of my own happiness...

The light in my room fused and I changed it out all by myself this afternoon. I didn't know it could be such simple and easy chore even when I am not very tall. Then I understood that if I wish to attain, it will be possible if I try. So I made myself promise myself that I should try to be happy, no matter what downs should befall on me. And I shan't compare myself to everyone around me anymore, because there's a reason why I call them "others" and myself "me".

Me, myself am the world...

-

"If all mankind were to disappear, the world would regenerate back to the rich state of equilibrium that existed ten thousand years ago. If insects were to vanish, the environment would collapse into chaos."

-Edward O. Wilson

Feel distant,

even when there were words said to everyone,

And their supposed words of concern I have heard.

Perhaps just a artificial smile,

or expression which they or I didn't mean.

A period of four years,

there hasn't been any materialization of true happiness

I have been able to capture.

Sad to mention, there wasn't any basic rapture.

"What is missing?"

I have no clue.

Perhaps the four years shall count on...

I am not hollow inside anymore,

I am just as good as a walking dead.

I need to be understood,

I have been trying my best to make sure I am heard.

Yet, I stand again, all alone against the cold.

Infinitely, alone.

Big boy & his new toy!

For Desmond Wai for being a 28-er; a PS3.

Tata PS2...

Went down town to get Des a toy. Ate at Tonkichi at Orchard central and we were almost worried that it won't taste as good as the one at Taka. Meh. But we were wrong. The coffee jelly is so yummy too! I think it rocks better than the one at PastaCafe. Anyway, the actual day celebration for his birthday is on Monday. I should call Rive now. Brrr. Pokka food group should make us VIPs! Since we're always eating everything under them - Tonkichi, PastaCafe, Rive Gauche...

We are going to Bintan in November!

[edit] Genting again... -.-

I'm in love with my own sins.

It looks like techno is coming back thus hip hop these days is getting worse - perhaps to the extent of being trash. Every (supposedly) hip hop song on the billboard is a remix of the former. Or perhaps everyone like Rihanna, Akon and Sean Kingston only followed suit when T.I brought in the trend? Do they belong to the same company? I personally miss days when LL cool J and Vengaboys drew a thick line between each other. Going mainstream never fails to earn you the bucks and cause you to lose your identity. There are things which should always remain unchanged.

Like Fall Out Boy! Man, I know it's kinda late for me to be talking about them since their latest album released was in December last year! Click click "Folie à Deux"! My personal fave has to be "America's Suitehearts", "Disloyal Order of Water Buffaloes" and "w.a.m.s". Check it out if you haven't!

Ris Low is a joker. Her English is so hilariously atrocious that Maria next door can speak better than her. The judges apparently has impaired hearing. She should make it to "Just for Laughs" instead. Strip her off please!

I have gotten an interview with Chic Magazine next week and I swear I don't really know anything about them. I should hit the newstand later and try to get a copy or so. I AM SO FREAKIN NERVOUS. Like I'll kill and beg to nick this job. God please help me again!

Ugh my tummy is rumbling because I had the Zinger burger combo with Desmond during lunch. The fish sizzlers are crazy spicy and freshly fishy at the same time. I love the texture of the bites but I disgustingly hate the aftermath - endless loo visits.

To Whitney.

Alright peeps! Enough of the crap shit R & B mixed Technos these days! It's finally time for some real music!

Mariah, ya going way too mainstream so make way for Whitney.

I have never seen Whitney enjoyed so much in a Music Video and I swear she can't look better!

I hope she had the Drug Fest kissed her ass goodbye forever. :D

Dear God.

How sad are we?

Their smiles of gloat and glee.

When it all seemed so bleak,

Was it you that I see?

-

There's a big relationship problem between my router and my lappie's wifi. Restaurant city is having a problem to load at this hour of the day. Tell me the students wake up early to revive their chefs and waiters.

The hour I fancy - 0500 to o600 hours.

Have you ever realised that the world seems the quietest and the most at peace with itself during this one short hour? It feels like everyone and everything came to a standstill, awaiting the refulgence of the breaking dawn. No more cats whining about the cold, no more noises from the 'homeless', no more cars whizzing pass, no more whispers of lust and swears of loathes. Perfect quietus.

I used to be regularly healing my hangovers, throbbing headaches, nauseousness at this hour some time back. Time was wasted, but times were fun filled and I derived happiness from careless days. On opposite end now, I am deprived of smiles. I seem to have left something behind or I might have completely lost it. I am not love-driven nor am I fun-driven no more. My break this time round has me waking up each day feeling more like a bum. As if I am my own judge, it's wrong of me to be not doing anything everyday.

I know I haven't been praying to you on a regular basis. And it may seem like I am always exploiting you. But that's the reason why you are God, and I have sinned. I pray to you, if you may, please give my mojo back to me.

Amen.

/winks

Martini extra dry with lotsa olives.

Everyone close enough around me knows that I have had a total career switch recently - retail to shipping. What a worlds apart change! I re evaluated on the things I want for myself, set new goals, altered a little of my aspirations, braced myself up to brand new challenges and found myself struggling for the past two nights trying hard to remember ports' names, countries', provinces', which resulted in the sudden rise of stress level and is definitely the cause of my insomnia. Bear this in mind that I used to flunk my geography back then in school. Traveling is a love, remembering 926 ports is a loathe.

I was scolded because I do know how to spell Bandar Abbas which is in Dubai. I was jeered at because I couldn't be fast enough to give the most precise answer on tariffs and vessels info.

Shippers are impatient people.

Whoever once told me that the world is beautiful has forgotten to add this piece of info that mankind is ugly. I plead to parents and parents-to-be out there to quit telling your kids that everyone should treat one another with grace and kindness. Because I told myself that I should function this way, I ended up being fooled and getting hurt by insensitivity now. If you don't wish your kids to get hurt in the future, tell them the truth.

And as if, everyone is born with a world map etched in their heads.

But whatever it is, it is a job. It is my job. And if I pull through this shithole soon enough, things will look brighter and perhaps I might pull this off somehow.

The Boyfriend.

The boyfriend is the best boyfriend on earth, one could ever find. I shall justify, He has been showering the best support one could ever had, doing a lot of listening of the whines, nags, complains and endless talking. He is not showing any disparaging and instead has been giving advice and encouraging words. A rare catch indeed - he is always here for me.

I miss days being indolent without carrying any woes. However, it seems to me that I have to age like a normal aged - to fear having nothing to claim as achievements under my name when I'm old or be it, nothing to offer myself, my family and my family-to-be.

This is Life in the fast lane.

Vanilla skies.

By looking back in retrospection, things still do not seem clearer.

I quit my job. Rather than basking in the agony of having to do something which I do not enjoy doing everyday, I quit my job even when it's fetching me my bread. If you think I'm being a little too rash, that's really my problem. I do not see any point sinking myself deeper into this sea of pain when I am not exactly the happiest person on earth. I should learn to make myself happier and start doing things which I haven't got much time to do, for e.g, read and write.

So it seems to you that my blog hasn't been updated on a much regular basis compared to the way it was in the past. And that my sentence structures have been hovering around the same pendulum of stasis which definitely proves that no otherwise, my english sucks.

No. I am not caught in the rush hour of getting a new job soon. But wait till my well dries up. Perhaps you'll see the same old pathetic me. Except for the fact that I am baptized with the lavishes of branded goods from head to toe now. Doesn't matter if the wallet is empty, as long as the credit card is still working. But when the bank decides that it's the end of me, it's the end for me.

Anyway, I feel empty inside out all over. I am like a walking mummy. There's no drive, and nothing for me to look forward to. My insides are all mud, sand and worms. It is as if the world has owed me an pyramid load of happiness. When I am walking along the bustling roads, I feel like hiding away to somewhere dark and quiet. I hate town now.

My Calvin Klein flat pumps gave me a lot of problems for the past two days. If you think something flat would never hurt you, they happen to prove the very fact that a blunt edge could bleed you as well. I have three blisters on my left foot, and two of my right. When I plastered em up in the afternoon, they made people laugh.

You know, the eerie thing about me. The moment when I realize I am getting tired of something even though I like it, my mind starts detaching myself away. Then my vision of solipsism will surface again. But the vision now has a shadow casted over its horizon. Someone soiled my beautiful ego with little traces of footprints. It is as if I had someone walked all over me. When I followed the trail, I couldn't seem to trace where the trail lead, neither do I know whose shadow was it. It was a sad confusing sight. And I could only pretend to be indolent about it.

By looking back in retrospection, it got more confusing.

I totally adore the latest entry Wenny wrote on her blog "Things I do with my boyfriend in bed". It really serve as some ideas for all of us in case our relationship gets mundane. Sadly, Desmond and I were usually so tired (especially me), that we went into dreamland right at the moment we hit the bed. That, he told me that I have this special ability to fall asleep as and when I fancy it.

I have to share this. I had really wanted to wait till I come back from Quincy with the saucy photos but I have to share this!

Tada~ My boyfriend made me such a fortunate girl!!! He chose the one which I fancy most outta Tiffany & Co's "Return to Tiffany"! Thank you baby! For making me so happy, for being you yourself!

HAHAHAHA!

Desmond and I were playing with our webcammies the other night. Not anything kinky please.

I actually thought of closing down this blog. But on second thought, if this should go, it means some detailed emotional transitions would be forgotten too. Which isn't a good idea, because I think I still have a lot to learn from the past.

Two young guys (most probably gays) between age 15 - 17 were on the same tube. I think they didn't know they were homosexuals and is most probably attracted to each other because they stood to each other the way you stand next to your boyfriend/girlfriend. And they touched each other's hands. And I think they are about to explore some other parts soon. I felt so sorry, I didn't think they even realise that they are homo.

Is it a trend these days or was I not very alert to my surroundings when I was younger, that there's a major uprising number of homosexuals we see around us? I had to ask Desmond whether one of his acquaintances was a trend-follower. I can apprehend how Lesbians work but not Gays. I can't think of anything on a man's body which is a turn-on.

Okay. I am blabbering.

I am so looking forward to my birthday this year. We are going to check into Quincy on the night of 22nd. We were actually deciding between Scarlet Hotel and Quincy, but the indoor swimming pool which is on the high floor convinced us. Shall review!

Movida @ St James on the 21st. See me if you see me.

Burpies.

It is hard to digest the fact that He has left us, about as hard to stomach as a tray of jolokia peppers. And his abrupt departure, just as blimey as him as a whole, stopped the world for a good whole morning. In the event of receiving this tough piece of news, I was rooted to the ground for a good whole minute and my mind went blank.

I started this one sided affair when I was 9. When CDs were a lavish sort of luxury, I was a proud owner of his Dangerous album in cassette form. Every day without fail, the first thing I did after I got home from school, was to plug my earphones in, and listen to the entire album again, again and again. If you should ever play just this one album, I can tell you exactly where he's going to "hee" or "wooh".

I believe that there are a handful of people out there who are as affected as I am, that entering his name in the Google search engine seems as mandatory as our morning cuppa. The thought of his demise is unbearable because I think the music industry can never get enough of him, and it will never be the same again.

By choosing to believe that he indeed wanted to go is probably the best appeasement I could find for myself. Because as what a friend of mine had noted, “how can someone who changed his entire skin color not prevent a cardiac arrest?" I believe he was getting tired of his controlled and scrutinised life, tortured and distorted by the 5^th estate, finally.

Just as I was eagerly anticipating his next world tour, just when I was waiting for another good album, just when I was waiting for him to come on to this stage of his to enthral again, he left me with a sense of loss so unfamiliar.

While a clout still hangs over who the next incumbent as the epitome of showmanship may be, perhaps we should let this sense of loss hover because for a few of us, the world had indeed stopped. For another hefty millions more, theirs crashed.

He left the stage; not our hearts.

The greatest entertainer ever,

the best musician,

the best dancer,

the best lyricist

who wrote to unite us.

May his millionth applause lingers.

In Our Darkest Hour

In My Deepest Despair

Will You Still Care?

Will You Be There?

In My Trials

And My Tripulations

Through Our Doubts

And Frustrations

In My Violence

In My Turbulence

Through My Fear

And My Confessions

In My Anguish And My Pain

Through My Joy And My Sorrow

In The Promise Of Another Tomorrow

I'll Never Let You Part

For You're Always In My Heart.

M.J's.

Everything goes wrong.

I am not happy, I don't understand why.
Or is there any reason for me to be?
Stranded alone on a planet,
with no one who understands.
I blabber; you'd listen,
but would you comprehend?
It's such tiresome to thrive,
as a mortal.

Last night I wrote.

A little something, so loved.

A little secret ensconced within.

A tinge of magic, whimsical and splendid.

-

Genting gateaway 22nd May'09 to 25th May'09 with Desmond & his family. =D

Washed shores.

For this moment of time I haven't been blogging, I have certainly been busy. Busy dating my lovely man, letting him charm me over and over again, busy with monetary management, busy with getting funny stomach aches, busy with handling new work-related issues and upcoming ones, as so I've foreseen.

If there's a word which should ultimately derived from this whole fashion industry, the finest word of all would be 'bitchy'. There's an infinite link between the word 'fashion' and 'bitch', it's been an ongoing affair and I imagine it to be an occurring one so as long the need to be clothed stays in the Maslow's hierarchy of needs. I could be one, but do I have to resort to such level? If by lowering myself earns me somewhat a form of so called success in life, I wouldn't know who I would become in another two years' time. Wearing branded shoes, dresses and carrying leather handbags do not define me. What's worse, now it's no longer the quality since more brands are getting manufactured in China (and China is infamous for evil merchants). I might cry later, only because I have just realized that I've forgotten who I was and should be, for a year. When I strip myself naked of all the pretense (I've called 'thresholds'), that's when I am being most true to myself.

My relationship with Desmond is the talk of the town (as so I've heard). It may be a party-starter or a tea time coffee talk, may invite cynicism, may create stars and miracles, may crash but it's all up to one's speculation. There's a mixture of narrow-mindedness and kindness going on in the company now. Superiors who indirectly taunted our uphold of moral principles and work ethics, and colleagues who actually feel happy for us. And to the colleagues who actually got delirious for us, I am sure you are a happier person now that we've shared a piece of joy. Extremely sorry to the haters because you have gotten yourself one more piece of worry to fret about (okay, I am making this sound like we are playing Montague and Capulet).

Having an authority does not denote abuse and respect from others certainly does not draw from here. Many have chosen to turn a blind eye to the word 'responsibilities'. After all, who wants more work when they can make use of this time saved to shit, smoke, eat, fuck or masturbate. It's only natural for anyone to assume, jump to conclusion and waddle in a pool of deceit. And so often in our daily events, we've come across aplenty who would leap lightning fast in order to keep their asses warm and safe, when no fingers were even pointing towards them yet. At this snap of the truth coming to light, I found out that I am a bigger man than most men. I am finally on the top level of Maslow's hierarchy.

I am taciturn and shy by nature. I do not talk much unless a friend is in need of comfort. I like to look, listen, feel and observe. Even though I curse and swear a lot, that's because my mom introduced me South Park when I was young. I try to understand the metaphor of everything and that euphemisms are what I am good at coming up with because I am sensitive enough to say sorry after I've thrown a 'fuck you' at you. I do not brag myself to the world and impress you with hypothetical hopes that I am good. It's always up to anyone to judge. I shouldn't care how you think of me as long as you are not going to be one of the few who's going to hover around me by my deathbed.

I am washed, up on this clean shore. And I should not attempt to seek my inner self again by typing out letters that you are reading.

Jacob & Co.

SGD 51,637
美到~。。。

Tourbillon leh!!!!!! /omg

HAHAHAHAHHA! Not very expensive wot babe! SGD 81,020!!!! HAHAHAHAHHA!

/疯掉

/screams in agony

为什么？！？！？！？！
咳。。。
真是同人不同命。

starcrossed.

If the term 'hollow' rings a bell in 'Bleach' terms to you, that is exactly what I am now - without a soul/heart. Like what a drifter should be, I packed myself in neatly into this category of mankind. Seeing how others around are gradually growing up, seeking what they should want/desire/attain for themselves threatens me into being a provoked kitty and the only defense I can put up is to show my gritting jaws and take flight. 

There's nothing scary about growing old, the ultimate fear factor has got to be growing up and still clueless on what you want to achieve. 

Lately, I had times when I went out of sorts out of the blue. Like a mind which suddenly decided to roam a bit, I couldn't do anything except to stare blankly at my boy. I didn't exactly space out, but in my mind I was wondering whether these happenings around me could be true. Is He real, blood and flesh in front of me? If he is, why do I feel that this reality is incapable of bearing my presence? Has two months gone on by in just a spur or has this been around for a long span of time? Where was I and where have I been? I couldn't recall much. And at the point of time when my mind couldn't recollect nothing, I rooted myself to where I was some time 1 year 5 months back. 

Like a wave of ongoing things, like an endless rush for euphoria, and the eventuality of coming to an end, if the seeking of our desires and wants drives us forward , what would be the aftermath of attainment? If by death we strip ourselves to our thresholds, do we even die knowing who we are?

A single gesture could produce thousand of thoughts in the mind who's responsible for the act, and one who eyed the act. The hidden agenda performed last night was definitely apparent enough to a pair of eagle eyes and a sensitive mind. 

Thank you Mr Wai.

/has put on weight

/is very much loved.now.

/hates her job and wants to drift far away

/is addicted to shopping

/is disgustingly humungous now

/is going to the zoo on 23rd with belinda da susu/johnson da beau

/wonders why her bf doesn't whisper something splendid in her ear

p.s. no obligations.

There's an underlying side of me which hates myself, the way things are now, and what I've become.  

And I have no way to express it out. 

Before I go...

Okay. So we received the news that we, indeed, are not getting any bonus, for all the shits I worked for in year 2008. For the number of times I was uber shagged out almost to the max and still I pushed myself, for the occasions I didn't apply shit medical leave even though I was so very ill, still - no bonus. 

Good. 

Now I can make up my mind and leave. I certainly worth more.

To make myself sound a lil enthusiastic, I am going to type in caps and ends the sentence with an exclamation mark.

FINALLY, IMMA GO TAIWAN TOMORROW!

I have to make myself believe that it's indeed going to be one hell of a trip although I know for sure I won't be hesitating to hop onto the return flight back to SG at the end of my trip. Let it be just 7 days of soul vacation. I hope it is going to rain dinosaurs and mammoths for 3 days so I can nuah in the hotel room in a foreign land, read, rest and to think deeper into myself. Seriously, the 25th of this month at the beach is more appealing as compared to this trip. /weeps Now I've learnt a lesson. Do not attempt to travel to a country which doesn't impress you much even though it's for the sake of wanting to be there. Now, I need some counselling.

Imma be dead broke after this Taiwan trip. But almighty thanks to Dessy for giving me a 200 buckaroos voucher to get my Marc Jacobs bag. 

And so, baby, this is the answer to your question:

"Be good. And you'll know when I'm back."

Hahaha. :p

Watched the battle of the Titans with Dessy at Indochine after work that night, and darn, the reason why Man Utd lost was because I was surrounded by Liverpool fans. Okay. Let's not talk about soccer. I almost cried. It hurts. And to those Man Utd fans who walked away the moment Liverpool scored the fourth one, boo.

Nouvelle Vague.

We do not adore Nouvelle Vague's for no reason. 

-

Waves

And then goodbye

I live in a wafer thin dream

I, I can't cry

You know the time

Time's not kind

But I remember the way we were

The slow, slow sad love

I wonder do you miss my love

I know you can't

It's just a wave passing over me

What are these waves

They're coming over me

It must be my destiny

Waves

They're coming by

Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye

Waves

They're coming by

Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye

A discussion of Love.

According to Aristophanes in Plato's Symposium, in the ancient world of myth there were three types of people: "male/male, male/female or female/female." In other words, each person was made out of the components of two people. But then God took a knife and cut everybody in half, right down the middle. So after that the world was divided into male and female, the upshot being that people spend their time running around trying to locate their missing other half.

I am staying put, this time round.

"When things look bad, they'd only get worse."

Yes. I said that. I thought I have been trying to be realistic, negative and positive somehow. But, wth? Things really are getting so fugged up at work. I almost felt like walking away from all this mess that I did not intentionally create. Duh? I did no screw ups, now I have to be the one to take the trash out? 

God. If you decide to convince me for once, quit slamming the fucking doors right in my face!

And to anyone who's reading this, don't probe. 

Just lend me your shoulders and send me your words of comfort.