SAY CHEESE TO PIMPIN' from Tokyo!

Melodious songs with a fast tempo most of the times sound too melancholic.

Ear candies can sound so joyous that it makes me wanna throw up the disgust built up.

Most of the things seem so real to the extent they look fake.

Just like the fact that you have to be somewhat imperfect to be perfect.

I heard a foreign Chinese musical instrument played.

And have got no idea what it is.

I love the way it sounds.

I love the way I love things that I don't know about.

Love, hate, guilt, sadness and happiness are what I now called imaginings,

and our very dear self cognitive therapies.

Strong emotions are easier to manipulate.

Because of their depths and intensities,

they could always be willed into the extreme opposites.

It's coincidences and ironies we live in, isn't it?

I always wake up to these questions every day.

1. When will I be as hot as Nira Chan?

2. When will I totally break away?

3. When should I die?

Alright. The third one sounds more of like a plan. Anyway, as with regards to work,...

I still don't comprehend why every one is trying to pull one another down in order to make themselves look better.

Dumb fucks.

Dumb fucks.

And still, dumb fucks.

Life in the fast lane.

[Alright. I am a fat kamen rider.]

I feel that I have at last awaken from this long bad dream. It is relieving and is indeed a joyous affair to know that it's love I am still capable of producing. And like what they have said, you'd improve as time goes by, this time around, the capacity for Love is so much bigger, wider, almost unmeasurable. It is indeed simple and easier, when two lives come together and live as one.

I feel loved. And I am loved. I am thankful but I know I deserve it.

Because I love myself now.

-

This piece of news sucks. I am going to miss Stereophonics. It's like I have been waiting to see them for ages, and I have to give em a miss. I hate work/love the money it brings. Tell me the balance of Life, balance in Life, someone please? Aww... this thought hurts. Fuck.

-

Wenny, I hope you are fine. I miss your presence and the times we bitch about everything under the sun. Technically speaking, I miss the times we agree on almost everything. I hope you are real fine. And I know you are going to be, for sure. Rest assured, that if you don't know where you are going, all roads take you there. And I will stand beside you. Gosh. I sound so disgusting I feel like throwing up.

-

Von and Tracy, I think you girls should meet Nicholas. Soon. And yes to all my readers, I am in love. And I am definitely loved. You won't want to know how loved I am. And I can't explain it too anyway. I feel pampered, all the time now. The sun is out, the storms are long gone. I feel alive once again. So I smile.

If seemingly perfect lives are more like perfect lies, based on what do/would we even define lies? When we are always in a constant transition. Based on what do we even define perfect lives? When it is just the surfaced lives of others' we've seen and remembered?

I am tired. I am hurting. From all the ills I have contained within this humble fist-like wrap. And I know the only way of being free again, is to let all go. And embrace. I see it; I have visualised it. But I just do not have an idea how to. I have been slipping against the current for far too long. It would be a risk to go with it once again. I might have my regrets. It all seems like a vicious cycle. If this threshold gives way to another one which is similar to the one I have had before, it's going to be another alteration of mental landscape.

A mosaic - I do not know what makes me, me.

Simplicity is a shield. But how long will this last before I slip away again?

I would forever be in solitude.

The weather these days have been less than dreamy. The scorching killing sun when I open up my eyes, to the falling drizzle or downpour when night falls. Death Cab for Cutie has successfully made its way into my temporary mp3 player which I couldn't even squeeze more than 120 tracks into it. So I had missed lil paper biscuit.

The waves of pain still wash over at times far too many. But it is relieving to know that they aren't overwhelming. Perhaps I have cultivated a better control over them now.

Perhaps... Perhaps... Perhaps.

Now it all sounds so nostalgically peculiar.

I am a mute at home these days. Because they have proved all my hypothesis. Which you may call, facts now. I will not cry. Because it's really over. I have slipped away. I won't find crying so much of a joy now. To swallow the pain back in sounds much sweeter, in a sadistic fashion of course. And I know I have got my revenge. Because the physical pain you landed on me that night, ain't nothing compared to what I am giving back to you. She slipped away to a process of a prolonged vengeance. Watch me play.

Just admit that you're wrong. And I'll give back what I borrowed or stole.

The difference between Kaba Modern and Jabbawockee is...

...even with more than 30 peeps dancing at the same time.

Now this is what I call Dance.

I'm forced to fake a smile, a laugh everyday of my life

My heart can't possibly break

When it wasn't even whole to start with.

I feel more whenever BFF sings this song instead of cao ge himself.

And this is a fucken tough song to sing.

唱到我要吐了

HAHAHAHA!

Look what I've found!

While I was surfing ma fashion blog sites, I chanced upon this.

Shall we hit NYC together soon!?

I bemoan the wounds of Fortune.

There's so much to do, so little time.
So tight if I want to fulfill death at age 40.

I shall study operas/history and Mozart.

I shall study criminology/child psychology.

I shall study literature.

I shall take departure for some time and concentrate in enriching myself with so much, the past of the world has got to offer. And then I may come back...

I shall study fashion.

I shall plan my own death, the way I want it to be.

If there's no one beside you

When your soul embarks

Then I'll follow you into the dark

I miss you. And I hate you.

I have to push you like how I push others. Test your tolerance because I am in for some cheap thrills. If I conjure you are just like the others, I might have a better reason not to house you anymore. Because that's the way I am. If you think you know, think again. Because I do not have a threshold to start from, what even makes you think you know me for the way you think I am? I will not accept what you had planned as part of my life. And I don't wish to live in fear of what you may be, simply just because I am a greater liar than you. You could start your careless lips moving again however this time, apart from sweet sweet truth, cheap talks shall be put at bay.

-

I am simple. If I want to hate you, I will try to make sure I do. Even if it takes me putting up different facades, to invite tension between the two of us. I believe in ending it with my own hands even when the first spark wasn't created by me. I will forgive you when I have learnt how to hate you. Because you won't care if I do. No one really is bothered. We just walk on by ourselves, most of the times. So like total strangers once again, we'll walk on our own.

Pity.

Because I had really wanted to make it with you.

Last night's MOS trip has gotten me complaining now.

Firstly, I seriously think MOS is too costly a place for offering cheap crowds of people inside (Thanks to Mr Mysterious for signing me in). Nope. I ain't referring to the Malays. I am refering to the Chinese. The Muns (term for Cheena piangs) are rude, and definitely lacking mannerisms. The girls are as good as what I was when I was 14 except that they are way ruder. I have found out that the girls (especially) in Smoove, MOS, are mutes in disguise. They may be blind too for all I know.

Secondly, those people can't dance for fuck. So what's the point of hogging onto a space in the cage trying to show off to others how you shake you shoulders. And so what if you can bend a lil lower than your usual height? You ain't anywhere special. Everyone is doing it. So dude was telling me that those girls were just dying to be grope and grope. Haha.

I got picked up right under his nose. And he had actually let this new lad brought me into the cage to be one of the hotdogs in that hotdog counter. Looker - yes. Dancer - yes. You guys must be thinking that he's in for a lucky night ain't cha? Sadly, I ain't that easy at all. Blame it on this question he asked, "Are you a cheerleader?" What makes him even think I am just typically naive to buy compliments which are apparently so hard to accept? I have black hair and I am well informed that I am standing on soil of SG, and cheerleaders in Singapore can only do some somersaults. But I can't even do one. Hah!

Should have remained at the main and continued shuffling with those shufflers. Bad night, bad company but lovely river view with a big gulp full of whisky. No joke. We used to party like glams but we had to resort to buying whisky from 7-11 and sip it by the river.

My Girlfriend & I.

The girl who wanted to play with mimosa today got herself caught in this massive downpour of rain and she had to reorganise her time. Time is so very important to her now that she has decided to whizz back from Pluto and get herself a day job on Earth. Handling earthlings is a chore. She anticipates everything they should say, and makes comments two leaps or even three even before their strings of thoughts get logistically organised. She wonders why does each single one of us has to say/do things to attempt to bring others down in order to lift ourselves up to this level we thought we ought to feel triumphant and be proud of. Would the earth orbits better this way? If everyone was to be rid of their falsehoods and walk alongside with their innate simplicity basis, I wonder what kind of paradise would we see.

On the last day of my breath, most probably I would look back and think about those I have done wrong, I have failed, and those I have hurt and grieve. It isn't really a bad thing to be classified as 'emo' you know. People who chose not to be, or think they are not, just haven't got the chance for an epiphany to strike upon them like a big lucky star. The star would weigh on your body trying to kill you. For as long as you remain being weighed down by it, you should make full use of the time trying and learning more about everything, the gists, the evolutions. And be quiet, be silent because the winds of rumours created by your own mind are what you ought to listen. Listen and be in sync with them. Control them. Understand that no one would be able to fathom the way you feel not even through a thousandfold of attempts to converse. Because you, yourself are the world, solitude and very much alone than you think you are.

I had a sleep for death. But my phone rang expectedly and I was vacuumed back into reality and it was the way I have planned it to be the night before. The rain splattered all down and too sudden when I was walking to the library. I was upset that I am vulnerable to you still. I forgive you for using me, but I cannot forgive myself for letting you. I don't have a clue how much I am worth whenever she sneaks back in. I may have idealised you. Perhaps I chose to. Time has already altered the love I have for B et al. into another kind. Would I soon start to chase after it, or would I choose to remain rooted and unchanged and watch it works its acceleration away? If I were to be euphemistic quoting how great it would be if I can turn back time, I would say, I would choose not to have our paths crossed. Because it's a lonely road ahead for now, and it's quieter and darker than before.

Love letter.

When I am walking, I wonder if you are too. When it's dark and quiet,when I know you are asleep, I feel safe by just remembering how you look like when you are sound asleep. I didn't know what went wrong, and it doesn't matter now, the chase is over. Sometimes, I wonder whether your inner self still does tell you that I miss you. All questions no longer mean nor matter anymore. I pray for your smiles. And this is my part, and I am contented.

My Life is never the same when I lost a big part of it. And I am making the best out of the remains that I have got. This is my strength. My sentimental side wants me to hold on to you because I need to be at least humane to myself. I didn't know my calibres to love. I didn't think I don't know love. I didn't know what my love for you is capable of producing. Not until I've lost you, totally but yet not quite completely. Forever does exist. And everynight, sleeping to the ghost of you and me, in a hot summertime's room with a big tv... is enough for me to get by each single day.

I love you today. And I am sure I will love you tomorrow.

Your DKNY biatch.

It's been so long since I felt a passing day enjoyable. I am enjoying sadomasochism with myself, pushing myself to things I think I dread and yet seek pleasure out of this whole pain fashion. I love the fact that my legs are aching now. Because I know they are aching for the good cause, gotta have some basics for the hip hop yo? I locked myself up in this hour glass and watched myself wither bit by bit through the fine sandy grains. And that is 'me' in it, the one who's typing this isn't 'me'. And I hope she is constant for some time.

I thought about the loss I have had when I was commuting home. So I compiled a wishlist for year 2008. I am just going to use these materials to fulfill myself in whatsoever way. And I know I will love this feeling.

Following wishlist would be in pictures format. Just in case, some online admirer decides to pamper/impress me. -rolls eyes- Haha! I love Chrissy. :)

1.

The renown iPhone.[x]

P905i by DoCoMo!

2.

The very common Long Champ Le Pliage for day use. [x]

In black.

3.

Coach Hamptons Signature Turnlock New French Purse. [x]

Comme des Garcons. =)

4.

Louis Vuitton Vernis Sunset Bolevard.

5.

Pimpin' Ain't Easy from TokyoFlash. [X]

Checked! Pimpin' Ain't Easy Gold Edition!!!!!!

Kisses for Today.

I wonder,

how can someone so fine not be mine?

I have to leave you today.

However close we get, it will never be enough.

Remember this,

If you don't know where you are going, all roads will take you there.

I love you.

Don't forget that.

But then again, if it means nothing to you.

Why would I want it to mean something to me?

I am milk.

Uh. Uh. Uh...

I am fucking out to Pluto,

if it pleases you.

I will.

No room for pretence,

quit doing things you wanna be seen doing.

See things not with the naked eye,

but see what is essential with your heart.

Shh..

Just shut up.

I need no more blabber.

Be wise.

Don't walk with me.

Your presence doesn't matter to me a bit.

Goodbye.

Hello stranger.

Hello stranger.

Today, rainy and cold. Pretty norm for the weather these days. And I walked down Claymore Lane in my 3 inches stiletto, I realised and thought this to myself, "Hey! Not bad wot! Every guy looked at you!" Then I rolled my eyes.

The Girl

On the tube, this girl I saw. Age definitely no more than 15. 1.6m for height at most. Size 2. Epic breasts. Definitely kissable pouty lips. But not beautiful enough eyes. She caught and got my attention. Messy hair. DKNY look. Burberrys bag. Lovely girl. And I caught her looking at me too. She lingered on still, in my mind for a while even after she got off. I have no idea why she reminded me of Craz Fernando Sypher. Perhaps I thought she looks hot enough for him to take notice of. Ohh.. Okay. What a name. I know.

The Pretentious Bitch @ DKNY

The store manager that I met turned out to be a harmless, friendly-looking man in his fourties. Yellowed eyes due to the (without a doubt) years of smoking. This interview was the longest one I have ever had in my whole life. It lasted 35 minutes. He was practically telling me how bitchy the industry can get. Not as if, I have no single clue how the world works. -rolls eyes-

The collection for DKNY this season is... Uh, I have already seen them online. So yeah. Black, white, grey - the essentials. And touch these colors up with orange, pink and etc. I personally love the orange, grey and black combo. Saw this black dress on the mannequin which made me went abit bonkers. It's a must-have for me!

I saw a girl playing with mimosa. I will talk about her soon.

Dated today at this Hour.

Talking to everyone really feels like talking to everyone, again, today.

So, only you could fathom Plutorian like me.

I miss you, today.

And I am still angry with you.

The day is coming.

Soon.

I had this weird thought today. Perhaps it was because what happened last night, which I think both B et al. and I are laughing ourselves silly now.

"What if we walk one orbit of the earth and realise that each is what each is seeking?"

Uh... Funny thought right? And I think I thought of it because I can't wait to see his husky and walk him at east coast.

Will we both comprehend that in the absence of what we want, it is perfectly reasonable to find what we need?

Yucks.

I don't wish to converse to anyone (who quite matters to me) in the outside world. So I would just try my luck here.

B.L: Study hard, you horny ass.

A.T: :)

R.S: What are you so angry about?

It is really amazing why R.S even managed to have worked his way here.

Ballerina.

You said if I stood rooted in the middle of your open palms and do nothing at all but wait,

you would gradually close them in on me and wrap me nicely like a pretty little gift,

loved and protected from the earthly sins God had showered upon everything.

So, I tried to spin every day in your embrace like a ballerina with stars on my feet.

One thing for sure, we undeniably share this connection which is so hard to come by. If you beg to differ, remind me that I am merely being hypothetical. I could wait on forever and bask myself in the sea of sweet misery that you want me to get lost in. If that's the punishment, that's the only way you think I would learn, I will learn to swim out of it myself. Let's try not to be too warped for now since things are clearer seeing them in retrospect. And take this statement made here positively. If I ever get out of it, you'd be standing by the shore, watching the beautiful yolk setting down into the horizon of the world. Wrap a warm towel around me as you've promised. Kiss me and hold me without tears this time. And we'll both sleep sound every night. Very sound indeed.

Nothing's gonna change my world.

Hey yo! I lovey the weather these days! So cool, blowing chilly winds, and it just makes me wanna snuggle up under my comforter for some real warmth. Lovey Lovely month for Love eh? I swear I am addicted to 曹格. I can't get sick of him and I intentionally skipped sleeping just to listen to him sing. Heh. That's what bummers have on hands the most - time.

Congrats to Irene getting hitched! Lovely cocktail dress you tried on yesterday! And her that good looking cutie rain lookalike hubby better treat her well.

My hair smells heavenly now luh! And they are getting longer! I am so happy. -self entertains- Uh. Someone once kept saying I self entertain all the time. Now I can't recall who that is.

It's the weekend soon to come yo! And I hope this weekend would be whimsically magical. So surprise me God, with all the little joy dust you used to sprinkle on me.

I forced to feel brand new today, again,

after we've both turned our backs.

I've heard before,

that if taking one big leap is hard,

we should try taking little steps,

step by step, everyday.

So I will feel brand new.

So new,

that I won't see myself anymore.

Eventuality of a Sere.

你的欺骗没有让我掉下眼泪

爱本善变的痛楚并非你的罪

爱是无辜的风筝拉着最在乎的人

情已逝我还在注定一个人流浪

爱是断线的风筝挣脱一开始的梦

黑暗中一步步的坠落红尘

为了你，我学会否认

紧紧相依的心如何 say goodbye

你比我清楚还要我说明白
爱太深会让人疯狂的勇敢
我用背叛自己
完成你的期盼

把手放开不问一句 say goodbye
当作最後一次对你的溺爱
冷冷清清淡淡今後都不管
只要你能愉快


只要你能愉快
Goodbye.
:)

Violence.

Death on cuts.
Nailed six feet under.
Little black dress.

Soiled pale roses.

I bathe in your finest blood.

Within the skin of filth.

For I crave the little thick thing.

Stained thy crimson ivories.

Mmm...

Teardrops on my Guitar.

I cried pillow on 26th February 2008. Sun was setting 5.00 to 6.00.

I have so much inside and I am seeking for someone whom I can confide in, and perhaps I might need some opinions/solutions which I nonethelessly think I have been generously, repetitively showered with. A feeling confidant who doesn't throw in her/his own judgement is hard to come by. I went right away to onestormshort and found out that, perhaps she is in some kinda shite herself. Which later on, after having seen her MSN nick, I deduced that she is. And I backed off. So I backed off, worrying about her and hoping she isn't in such a mess like I am in.

I read 'The Little Prince' twice today, again.

Walking around the streets just felt somewhat slightly different today. Perhaps it was because of the humidity, I think I sweat my dress. Strangely when I looked up at some trees, I had an inexplicable flashback (with no link to trees), this scene from 'The Notebook' where Noah told Ally that when he sees something he likes, he... just loves it. Then I understood another type of pain at that point of time.

One calendar and five lollipops with strange wordings which neither of us could comprehend, 'I love sleaze roxx.' So I ended up joking it off although my heart was cringing, that it's 'I love sleazeballs' she meant. I ought to feel proud. Because they see what I see in you. But indefinitely, I see what they don't see in you. I don't wish to feel inferior at all. Because I believe in myself and lastly, you. For seeing me in the way you are not seeing them in.

Alas, things are still not looking up. And I doubt they ever would eventhough I keep hoping that they will. Most probably, neither one of us could actually sum up and say where is wrong. Because on that day, we cried. Not just me, but both of us. I don't mean to insult any of your judgement here, but this is what my heart feels. And we both know we can only see things with our hearts. What is essential is invisible to the eye. I need no form of a buoyant. Because I understand that Love is never a fair war. And please do try to apprehend the ambiguities here. Because, there's really none to explain if no one can comprehend. When you don't get it, you never will.

And with regards to Ben et al. calling me a fake. If you said so, if it pleases you, I have no qualms and I ain't stopping you. Because if you think holding a surfaced conversation is what friends are only capable of producing, I am really sorry to hear that. -smiles- All the feeling you are giving me, is that you are only making use when there's room and space for the use. I shouldn't even had wanted to rush down to where you were when you got into a huge row with your folks. At that moment, I was loving you as a friend, I had wanted to do my part. I should have most probably gone down, because you might even have a recollection today, of what I (used to) have done for you. So I am dumb. I am stupid. I am feeling. No doubt about that. -smiles-

Tell me love, didn't we feel that they walk with haste, not stopping to look nor slowing down to observe. Do they even know where they are leading themselves to? They usually don't. And all that they'd ever care about is to keep moving because everyone else is. Afterall, that's what Life is to them, isn't it? Not the Oriental Express but a Bullet Train in Japan. So conceitedly made this way, we no longer matter to one another. Even when I am the rose which you've watered, taken care of, spoken to, listened to when I am boastful or even being silent. Don't lose your footing love.

I let those cursed drops fell on my guitar tonight. I wish I could show you it's not easy to walk away. Let alone, to fall as gently as a tree.

[edit]

Turns out The Little Prince was a lie, a hoax, a make believe.

So I choose to leap to an asteroid far enough, where I will be millions of lightyears away from him. I cannot and don't wish to eye yet another artifice in life. However, I won't deprive anyone of anything because of the hurt and pain I have been receiving. It's a brand new day everyday on earth, where everything is a metaphor, we can only see things clearer in retrospect.

And I exhale...

I cannot function and breathe.

Because there is no Faith,

nothing anymore.

I wept badly last night while calling out your name to the tinkling noises of the windchime. And I know somewhere at a discreet corner, the identical one is jingling too. I fell asleep again, like every other ordinary day, to the ghost of you hoping that this itself is a dream.

I shouldn't have let you know what Ben did before which almost killed me. I didn't think you'd do that to me, which you have in fact, proved my judgement wrong. The difference this time - I didn't hide under anything. I have to feel this. I have to know I can still live as usual without you.

I feel bad and guilty for hurling words of harshness in your face. And it makes me wonder, whether you do too.

I have to shut myself in again, and never even want to learn how to invite warmth. We will both learn our self taught lessons well this time.

"...you belong to me."

.