Blessed.

I am very blessed indeed.

With lotsa friends around me who truly loves, unconditionally.

And I cannot possibly ask for more, anymore.

The Nonage.

The eventuality of a sere heralds the dawn of an inflorescence.

An unforeseen arrival of a subsistence in nonage intruded my genesis.

Unforgettable

I danced with the spirit of you to Nat King Cole's Unforgettable.

We spun around the hallway with our eyes lovingly locked.

I don't dedicate blogs.

It's 8:25 in the morning. The sky is crying itself into the beginning of a new day. I am a matutinal person. And surprisingly my brain works better with the scent of the morning grass. I always have this peculiar envy towards people who can sleep ten hours, twelve hours... whole day. I am incapable of pampering my body with ample rest.

As much as I thought I am in sync with my mind; I still don't know what I want. I tend to have this damaging power to destroy everything I want. Yes, I wreck things that I wish to possess, people I think I wish to be with. Destroy it, or them, and sulk and cry and fuck myself inside out at every post extirpation. I can't help it. I am just not in accord with myself yet. I think too much, far too ahead. I just can't afford to fall another time like how I tripped previously. It was a massive desolation for me. I have to protect myself. Yes, and be it being mean to you,(or you call it) toy you, fool you, play with your mind; I have to do it. I am apologetic. I am sorry. But believe me, I am really not as mean as you think I am.

Perhaps our own guise of phantasmagoria is just not going to happen at all, or perhaps it's already happening.

There are two sides to every truth.

And I hope the rightful side is soon to be vivid to the eyes.

Our tale... phantasmagoria

Mr Fingerme and Ms Fingeryou gave me a shock at work today. They had turned themselves into two little goldfishes because they wanted to try out swimming. I spent the afternoon with eyes fixed on them and felt that they were really happy playing with each other. The way their tails glissade in the water reminded me very much of Marilyn Monroe in the famous white dress. I played Nat King Cole's Unforgettable and cried a tear into the pool they were in.

Aunt took them home and I supposed they are swimming freely in a big tank now. My two imaginary friends left me today without bidding a decent goodbye...

Got me thinking.

The rain came and the loud massive splatter of it woke me up to the break of daylight. With eyes fixed on the falling rain, I can't help thinking of you. With each passing tick of the second hand, you feel yourself growing stronger. .

I am on my solitude own.
And I am very much self fulfilled and secured.

I did it.

J.K.S

I've totally forgotten to bring Mr Fingerme and Ms Fingeryou to Jiak Kim Street last night. The strange thing was I remembered I kept reminding myself to take them along. And which, however, both of them slipped through my mind in a whizz and I partied the whole night away while both of them stayed home to have their usual English Breakfast, trying to figure out why they could never be heterosexual.

Malibu.
I adore my Malibu Pineapple.
And that lil cherry oughtta be popped by me.
No one else!
Fack fack fack!

Saw Sheryl S and I didn't know how to react to her presence. Heh. And she just screamed " Iya. Just hug lah!" which I jumped into her embrace and too, hugged her warmly.

I love zouk.
In less than 1 hour, I got violated twice.

I made myself believed I was a Japanese and shoved my way around pretending to be really cute.
And on my receiving end; glances and smiles.

Plastics everywhere.
Even I got influenced.

Nevertheless, I still love zouk.

It felt like a dream. And I awoke pretty much to myself.

Rock a bye baby.

Mr Fingerme and Miss Fingeryou came by today. I had tea with them the English fashion and we had muffins, cupcakes and cookies. We were discussing about homosexuality and they confided in me that they were gays (which kinda explains their names).









And I swear you're just like a pill. Instead of making me better, you keep making me ill. KEEP MAKING ME ILL!!!!

I exchanged a hefty lot of 40 smses today. I think it's impressive.
Alloy is going to sleep me tonight. There isn't the word "with". I think he's going to sing a lullaby.

darlin.

I have really no words to express how I am feeling right now. Alloy coaxed me to sleep last night while he packed his mom's room. Then again, I woke up at 6am feeling alone. I hid in my blanket and felt real cold. I thought about the days ahead of me. I know I can beautify and colour them any way I want them to be. However, there'd always be a void left empty. My heart feels completely shattered and it somehow told me last night that it really wanted to stop beating. A plunge may do the job but then again, devastation may befall on so many around if I should take the leap.

Darlin came to me last night wiping away the tears on my cheeks. He plunged a sweet kiss on my forehead and whispered lotsa sweet nothings to me. He told me that he loves me but he can't be with me because he is dead. In fact, he told me he already died in Year 2005. B et al now, is just someone who bears an uncanny resemblance to him. And he had been posing as Darlin for the past two years, trying to love and care for me the way Darlin did, but he can never do. Darlin laughed at my stupidity and carelessness because I should have realised that he is not him the moment he stop caring whenever I cry. I begged Darlin to come back to me, and he gently shook his head and said that he would never be coming back. He stroke my face the way he used to and begged me to stop getting hurt by B et al. and to move on. He asked me to be brave and that I can get stronger knowing that he loves me and that he would always be there for me. Then he hugged me in his warmest embrace for the one last time and bade me farewell. Before he left, he had asked me to remember him for who he used to be, not the way he is now. Another sweet little kiss on my lips and he vanished right before my very own eyes.

I broke down into a million pieces and I struggled to piece myself back. I kept crying out to God and begged him not to take Darlin away. He said he is too busy with other more unfortunate being's prayers. I got afraid and I hid under my computer table for half an hour in complete darkness. I tried to close and open my eyes a million times, hoping that each time I open them wide, I would see Darlin in front of me playing computer games or eating like a glutton. I ran to my bed and tried to fall asleep in hope of waking up on a soft blue bed with James beside me.

When daylight came, I awoke and my white blanket acknowledged my presence. I tried to imagine that I'm walking through the black front gate, bypassing the garage, straight into the hall and took a small flight of stairs of two into the dining area. I pretended that I walked past that very antique looking mirror opposite of a long flight of stairs with green hand railings and into the little room at a corner. I put my bag down in the same manner every time I did and I removed my watch, earrings and slided the wardrobe door open and took out my usual PJs. I reached for my cigarettes and walked into the bathroom beside and smoked while I prepared myself for my shower. I walked into the room after the shower and took the green air purifier to the bathroom and poured away the filthy water. Then, I dropped more than ten drips of Eucalyptus aroma oil into the fresh clean water. I sat down on the blue bed watching either MTV or HBO. James caught my eye and he told me he wanted some attention. With James in my arms, I walked to the computer table and looked at the little fishes inside the mini tank. Then I turned around and looked at him who's playing games and asked,"Have you fed them?"

"No. You don't feed them ah. You every time feed a lot."

Just like in life, some things used to hurt us so much back then. But now, no. It won't. Maybe it will still prick your heart that little bit. Maybe your heart will be torn a little bit more than you wanted. But no, you won't break down. Cause you have grown. What used to hurt so much doesn't have that same amount of effect any more. You learn to contain it within you.

exhale.d

After all this while

would you ever wanna leave it

maybe you could not believe it

that my love for you is blind

But I cannot make you see it

I cannot make you see it

blind.

-W.H.
I would like to thank you for your words of comfort. Although we've never met, but I am glad you do feel me. And I'm relieved that I did send you a message on friendster. I am sure your words would sleep me like a baby later. Thanks a lot. Aights. I am just emo by nature, please pardon me. =)

I tried out my waterproof mascara on the bus my way home today.
It's really waterproof!

I couldn't contain it. Letting go is beyond 'painful'.
It is like sucking every living soul out of you.
It's like choking you every breath you tried to inhale.
How many of you get to even feel this way?

I bypassed so many beautiful sceneries and I pretended you were beside me.
But when a sudden abrupt rang of bell, I turned around and saw a sandy image of you vanishing right before my eyes. I couldn't bear to see you evanesce, I turned around and shed silent tears of grief.

They call me weak.
I just call myself emotional.
I feel for everything, even the slightest wither of leaves.
I feel for people; naturally I feel most for the person I adore.
And I love you more than you'll ever know.

You are close to ethereal perfection to me.

The world may label or judge you.
But you know it well, that i won't.
And I would never hear no stories to corrupt my mind again.

I set you free, flap your beautiful wings and soar high

And like I've always said,
"Always have, Always will".

my plead.

when my lids shut
still it's you I see
no longer the dolorous pain pierces
still your name it's calling

yearn to feel your presence
but it's just dreams I meet you
what happened to our love?

beg you to tell me

we intertwined at the wrong time
not because this love isn't true
whisper, my realm you'd be back to someday

somehow.



[8:35am] i would love to peck your cheeks a good morning.

earphones.

It just suddenly struck me again today that I have really lost him.

I woke up feeling kinda okay nowadays. I can feel myself breathing. And I thought thy heart isn't hurting anymore. However, to great dismay, I realised it's totally numb. Or rather, I should say I am in a state of shock.

Can't help missing him. But then again, I know I can't. There is simply no point in doing so for there's no way I could ever make my feelings known. A change of role, a switch of status - that's what I am now. Insignificantly invisible. He hinted that I am partly responsible for the way things turn out today... But what the hell did I do? Whatever it is, I know he is avoiding me as if I am a million-dollar-bucks-owed creditor. He just loathes me.

I reminded myself of the humiliation I had received. And I start to finally feel sorry for myself. Why on earth would I even let someone bring me down this way? If he loved me, he won't even let his folks threw insults at me as if I am valueless. When I called his house the other day and to my great disappointment, it's his mother who answered the phone. She sounded as if she was ready to charge at me with a hand dagger (if she's a ninja) or a kitchen knife. Am I really that detestable? I am still deeply missed by my past relationship's mother, er hello? I am also very greatly loved by my friends' mothers, er hello?

And if he really did loved me, would he even let me wait whole night alone? So many, just far too many, decisions he made to validate this very fact that he had never loved me before; he had never treated me and respected me like a human being before. Pause you who are reading this, can you picture yourself putting up with this kinda disrespectful treatment but still clinged on to a relationship in which you long foresee no future in it but still do because you believe in "Love will find a way"? I think it does find a way for itself, not when it is one-sided.

I have to accept that: He is the one who wants to give me up, He wants nothing of me but just a mere passing phase, He just wants to throw everything we've once had away because there are greener pastures in NUS. Oh.. H. Thanks for knocking some bloody sense into me. On which earth, would which guy be able to resist the temptations of more girls, many girls, a lot of girls? Your friend ever since sec one just talks crap as if he's talking with this rectum isn't it? Haha.

I sat in front of my television for two hours today, watching "200 Pounds Beauty" and I have been watching a lot of "South Park" lately. I am about to comb every single season and every single episode of it.

I know all these pain won't stop till I wise up.



spinning around like a big spinning top.

Delusional VS James.

The title says it all.

Can't figure out why he is just so keen on making up stories. Is he trying to delude himself? Or is he living in a fictional world? Where making up stories would only make his life seems less colourless.

It doesn't hurt that much at the thought of not having him by my side. I have gotten used to sleeping weekends away, alone. I have gotten used to not sharing and squeezing on a single sized bed and have a big queen sized bed all to myself! And I certainly don't miss his housekeeper's cooking! The only thing which I miss is sleeping on James's bouncy stomach. =( [James! I really miss you! I will kidnap you and bring you over to my cosy heavenly room soon! No worries about no attention given to ya, you will be very much loved and pampered! Come to mama! =D]

I am quite saddened by the fact that he has changed into someone else now. The thought of his feelings changed doesn't hurt as much as the fact that he has changed, beyond recognition. I feel sorry for him somehow. And I can't help but to ponder whether I am responsible for this wicked personality alteration in him. He has a heart of gold, born with it. So why does he want to throw it away? He may be doing things which seem to be quite uncalled for, but deep down inside, I still believe in him. Whatever it is, I have no part to play anymore.




James... If I could, I will surely teleport over and have you abducted to my family.


Always bear in mind that the world judges you on the gravity of the words you say and things you do.


-pop the champagne cork and spin around like a spinning top.

Diagnosing Love. - For psychology diggers.

" Love is a sickness full of woes,
All remedies refusing. "

Lovesick:

- A Mental Illness

Often associated with:

• Obsession (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder)
• Depression
• Mania
• Manic Depression
• Generalised Anxiety Disorder
• Anorexia Nervosa
• Derealisation
• Depersonalisation

Others physical symptoms:

• Pounding Heart
• Trembling
• Shortness of Breath
• Feeling lightheaded

Obsession

• Trigger high levels of anxiety
• Affected individual attempts to reduce (often unsuccessfully) by performing certain actions.
• Often superstitious or ritualistic and can be enacted internally (for example, repeating a lucky number) or externally (arranging objects symmetrically).

Lovers experience thoughts, impulses, and images that are recurrent, persistent, and difficult to dismiss: fantasies, day-dreams, and irresistible urges to send text-messages or make telephone calls. During periods of separation, the threat of infidelity can easily turn a soft-focus day-dream through several degrees of menace into nightmare. When this happens, the resonances between OCD and love sickness are highlighted with respect to both quality and content: unwanted and intrusive sexual images can trouble the OCD patient and the lover. A further and somewhat obviously link concerning clinical obsession and love obsessions is the degree to which both are usually very focused and absorbing. A single idea, person, or image may occupy awareness to the exclusion of everything else.

Depression

• A variant of melancholy
• Sighing
• Lachrymose
• Listless
• Diminished interest or pleasure in activities
• Loss of appetite
• Insomnia
• Fatigue
• Diminished ability to concentrate
• Suicide

Exhibiting five out of six symptoms mentioned above sustained for a mere two weeks is sufficient to merit a diagnosis of major depressive episode. Although love and melancholy are closely related, to construe love solely as a form of depression is clearly inaccurate. Separation and rejection might well provoke the symptoms of depression, but love is much more than yearning, pining and sadness. It is also joy, euphoria and ecstasy. When such positive emotions are felt very intensely, they too can cause problems: for example, overconfidence, boastfulness, recklessness, and a failure to recognise realistic limits. In psychiatry, something very similar occurs in patients suffering from mania, which is associated with increased levels of physical energy and abnormally elevated mood. We now proceed to look at Mania.

Mania and Manic Depression

• Expansive mood
• Inflated self-esteem
• Decreased need for sleep
• A pressure to talk
• Racing thoughts
• Distractibility
• Increased activity (particularly sexual)
• A general disregard for the consequences of pleasure-seeking (for instance, spending large amounts of money on gifts or dining)

In the first euphoric weeks (or even months) or love the symptoms of mania are clearly evident. Only four of the symptoms mentioned above experienced for one week will be sufficient to meet diagnostic criteria for mania episode. Less than a week of these symptoms would be sufficient to merit the lesser diagnosis of hypomania episode. Clinically, mania tends to alternate with episodes of depression. Thus, when psychiatric patients meet criteria for both mania and depression, they are described as being manic-depressive. This general instability of mood is also one of the most characteristic features of passionate love. When in love, the mind oscillates between two emotional polarities. In many respects, manic depression is perhaps the most accurate psychiatric analogue of love, embracing as it does both extremes of the emotional continuum.


Excessive worry about the future of a relationship resembles generalised anxiety disorder; disturbances of appetite and appearance sensitivity are reminiscent of anorexia nervosa; and feeling as though as life has become 'a dream' suggests phenomena such as derealisation (experiencing the world as unreal) and depersonalisation (experiencing the self as unreal). It is extremely easy, in fact, to show correspondences between the symptoms of love sickness and numerous forms of psychiatric illness.

Past cure I am, now Reason is past care,

And frantic-mad with evermore unrest;

My thoughts and my discourse as madmen's are,

At random from the truth vainly express'd.

-Dr. Frank Tallis

-William Shakespeare

Random Thoughts.

I just sent a text to Nichol, "I have just got to tell you this. I love Bennett for the man he wants to be, and I love him for the man he almost is. I love him, Nichol. I love him. I love him!"

Exactly, that's right, from Jerry Mcguire.

I've come to terms that it is beyond any form of description or expression.

I've fallen.
Too deep.

I think Sylvester is not of the right mind. Uberly.

Right shoulder is hurting like crazy, out of the blue.

unironic kitten.

I have been checking out this lady's blog who resides in LA. And this is the first time I managed to check out her friendster profile (when I had wanted to, the friendster was under maintenance). I had thought she would be a blonde. Nope. She turns out to be a brunette. Which I find myself silly, anticipating that. Because, it's just never the capability of a blonde to enthrall me. Okay, that's stereotyping, I admit and I am sorry. Well, at least, in the US, they have a general term for addressing the not-so-intelligent girls in a nicer tone. In Singapore, we are merely called the dumb ones.

The last paper for the examination ended with a commotion. It turned out that the questions on the paper weren't (really) related to what we'd been asked to study. So, the first thing which flashed to my mind: "OMG". As I read on, the second thing: "OMG". When I read and got to the essay questions: "OMFG". I had thought my eyes were playing naughty tricks on me. I looked around the hall, everyone was giving one another the OMFG face. So I realised, I wasn't hallucinating. I turned to my right to Amford and smiled sweetly at him. I turned to my left to my sister and smiled sweetly at her. Both of them shook their heads. I thought I was being encouraging by smiling, it turned out that I wasn't emotionally prepared to react to such an unexpected situation.

We digged our heads in and went ahead trying to answer the questions. Okay. Most of the questions required common sense and sensibility answers. Many people in the hall were whining to one another, whining and complaining to the invigilators. Why is that they don't have the wits to know that the invigilators are just the invigilators? And they can't do anything about it with regards to the change of syllabus? The invigilators called the school, my General Manager told them to tell us to go ahead with the paper. I knew it! Even before they wanted to give the school a call, I had known this was going to happen! I know Patrick could never be the responsible middle aged man he wants to be, and the man he almost is! What a poor untrained fella.

Many wanted to leave, most of them didn't even bother trying to tackle the questions. They thought we would be called and asked to retake. How naive. Oh yeah, we might be of course, at our own costs, my dear fellow schoolmates.

I can't sleep. It's hitting six a.m in seven minutes and I just can't sleep. I had thought I'm very tired. I should be. I guess I was just mentally tired. From the exhaustive notes apprehending, and the constant reminder of Bennett et al. I guess, I would be better tomorrow. Because I am starting to feel a little better now. I am crossing my fingers tightly on that.

I didn't see "A" Boy aka Chirag today. I had planned to walk up to him, grab him and tongued him. Heh. Negative. I just wanted his MSN add. Well, it's okay. I don't really care. He is just a good-looking, 17 year old boy who speaks a mouthful of fluent English with those kind of accent which I adore... Chrissy!! What are you thinking? He is 5 years your junior and the only contact you've had with him was the few exchanges of eye contact! Quit your young geeks fetish!

It's June. How fast time has passed. I cannot imagine how cruel time is to us. I just cannot imagine. I have sort of, graduated. I did it. I thought it was only yesterday I walked into the classroom with the wrong attire and wrong shoes? I feel it was only yesterday I walked on the school's carpet? It feels like I was at Bennett et al's house last night and was eating his maid's fried rice? Hmm... weird. It's been close to 4 months. Which means in another 2 months, it would be half a year, and in another 8 months, it would be a year. God. Heartaches attack again.

He's gone. Really gone.

Hmm...

A letter for my dearest.

Dearest Bennett,

I have come to terms that our relationship is over and your love is gone, impossibly tough to return.

You just got to know this.

You are the most wonderful thing which has ever happened to me. And straight from my heart, I love you.

The sad thing about life: As we live through every single phase, we are bound to meet someone, intertwine, and have to part inevitably. I never want you to be just a passerby however, this is what I have to learn to accept now.

I love you darling. I love you baby.
I love you for everything you once were, everything you are now, and everything you are going to become.

I'll see you soon, in many times to come...

The day in the life of Lai Hock.

I am uberly tired now.
But this has been waiting to be unleashed.
I have been procrastinating this, which I really have to set my heart to do it now.
Otherwise, my soul won't rest.

WARNING. THE FOLLOWING MAY CONTAIN EXPLICIT CONTENT WHICH IS NOT HIGHLY ADVISABLY RECOMMENDED FOR PEOPLE WHO DOESN'T UNDERSTAND HOKKIEN.

Hock went to Jln Singa to pick Chris up to meet Hao at Jln Tenaga to eat.
Hock and Hao talked cock while Chris sat there to watch teebee.

Enough of lousy structures of sentence.

It's never within my thoughts that in this very century, this very new age era when everything is about being the chic, the hip, the rhythm and blues, that such people still exist.

Location: McDonald's, opposite some Tampines street Blk 327

When we stepped out of the car, Nichol had told me that in that district, dangerous ah lians and bengs still prey. And my eyes just can't agree more with what he said just when we got to McDonald's. Sitting at the smoking corner: two males, two females. Just as we walked out of the convenience store, Nichol claiming himself to be 'only very observant' exchanged stares with one of the males.

To my most extremely shock in a very amusing way, one of the males shouted on the top of his lungs at Nichol, " KUA SI MI LAN JIAO!!! " My jaw dropped. And I believe I was rooted to the ground for a split second. Thoughts were racing through my mind fast and Nichol went up to him, patted him on his shoulder and the men's talk began.

The exchange of words were short, and we got into McDonald's to get us a drink. When we came out of it, the male, let's just call him Ming (which really is Beng in hokkien), laughingly approached Nichol and just said a mere Pai seh pai seh.

After we got our momentum for mugs, Ming had to come over for a chit chat with Nichol. I feel so thankful towards Nichol for letting me exposed to the 'scene' again, after a long 8 years. Guess what they talked about?

That convo in which I was listening to all the time, makes me wanna ROFLMAO and goes WTFWTH? almost at every single second of it. Familiar terms like GSS, Chao, 18siao were used throughout the convo. Heh. You can bet I was having this really odd sense of nostalgia.

Law boy, Lai Hock aka Nichol just seemed to be enjoying his own set of trance and narcissistic Ming just couldn't stop bragging and boasting about his contributory traits and attributes towards to the society and the economy. And so this went on...

Heh. It's a fun filled exciting night for the sixth month of the year. I guess I should head down to Tampines to mug more often. It's not like everyone gets to blog on this isn't it?



Caffeine... Cigarettes... Law books... Casino Notes.

Inspirational. His very own set of mind, his way of handling and coping with tacky personal issues... you really wish you could be half like him. You would really love to meet him, you would really wish to give him your full attention and just listen to what he has to say. If I ever decide to write a novel, he would be the story.

The night went on... Been taught valuable truths and some simple philosophies which I should have registered long ago.

Stupid Chrissy.

She had been living in her delusional world. Blinded by a sheer mere word called love, or be it obsession, she had long forgotten the rules of the game. She had been a strong believer in love, she hopes she can be a stronger believer in herself. She was capable of loving someone, she had forgotten to attend to her own emotional needs. Through these two years, she had been blinding herself. She had thought she was happy. But, happiness cannot be achieved when loving yourself comes as the second priority.

It's time she sucks the facts all laid out right in front of her eyes in and start picking herself up. Be it a crawling manner, somehow she is aware that she has to do it herself.

I am on my own now.

Lips of an angel - Nichol.

Men are cheap bastards.

They only think about two things all the time.
1) Fun. 2) Sex.
In fact, sex is part of fun.

They will do whatever to get what they need.
After they use it, they just discard it and don't pay anymore attention to it.
That explains why boys' room are messier than girls'.

So you gotta give them what they want sometimes, but not always.
You have to have value. Make them want you.
No matter how much you want them.

Curb your emotions for emotions are just emotions.
Emotions can propel you to do great things and bad things, but emotions are nothing substantial in life because the world only judges you based on the things you do, not the way you feel.

inordinate arousal of morbid interest in death.

Well, sorry that the title of this blog sounds goth. I am just taking a short (perhaps long?) cigarillo break from all those notes and I can't think of any better title to put except for my exact feeling right now.

God damn notes. Why do I, in the first place took up casino management? I never like to gamble. I just used to like to watch "Las Vegas". Heh. I guess I just have to suck every thing in and bear myself through it all. And on the day of my accounting paper, I am seriously contemplating to burn all the notes, turn em into ashes, soak em into water and drink it up! I may end up having a stomachache. But this is the very last resort and I am on my wits end. Desperately.

I cried and cried and cried for the whole of today. No idea why I did. I guess I just got hurt once again by the same man who hurt me 3 months ago - Bennett. Only he has the power to bring me down. What an influential powerful man, isn't he? So many men in my life, none has the ability and capability to make me whine and weep like a little girl. So why Bennett? Ever since that fateful day we broke up, we have been meeting up for dinners, for movies, for suppers, for car cruises, for nights over at his place, for scandals to be exact. I just sent him an sms, telling him that we should behave like what break up individuals do. I am really confused. One whole part of me wants him so badly, yearns for him, soul cringing in pain for him. Yet, the other contradicting part of me just wish I've never known him before. The fact that he has changed into someone beyond recognition is scaring the shiat outta me. Precise to be, I should say, it is disgusting me. So I am in love with someone whom I find shamelessly disgusting?

I have a strong hunch that I would go back on that sms and contact him. Heh.

I am always at home nowadays. Besides blogging my feelings, I have nothing much to blog on. That's kinda pathetic I sound like a No Lifer ain't it?

And I ponder so much... Why does Nic always knows it when some thing's happened to me? Could he be my long lost twin? But we don't look bitsy alike at all! I never have to mutter more than one sentence, and he would go, "What's wrong..?" He had me at Hello. He had me at Hello~! Ahhh!!!

wild hogs.

Re read Geisha of Gion.
I wish I can be as strong as Mineko Iwasaki.



She will never let anything bring her down.



I still yearn for my tropical passion latte from CoffeeBean though.

I went to TM. I got picked up and was sent over.
It was a very sweet gesture. And I really appreciate it a lot.

Went to catch Wild Hogs. Oh. Friggin Funny. Lotsa Harley Davidsons. Staring John Travolta, Martin Lawrence, Tim Allen and William Macy. I really have a crush on John Travolta. I think he is hot. And I have a friend who looks a lot like him. Cheers Dylan.

At the carpark, on the way walking up to TM. I saw two things which I decided to snap a photo of.




I just don't reckon this is my style and I am definitely not going to have these. But I am still considering red or black.




There wasn't any drum there!

I spilled teh chinois all over me while having supper at East Coast Lagoon. A thorough goner. Clumsy as usual.

The night supposedly to be magical, turned out to be a nightmare when darkness slowly gives way to light. It was raining heavily... It was as if travelling in a time machine back to 10th March 2005. Every moment of it was worth savouring. So how did it turn out so horribly wrong?!

" Love without setbacks ain't true love."
Bullshit.



Everyone loves a lil scandal some time.





Loves,
Love.

ann sally's i wish you (both) love.

At 0600hours. My night lamp and my maroon satin curtains.

Miss(v.)
1. Feel the want of
2. Not have
3. Notice esp with regret the absence of - e.g I miss you

It was pouring when I opened my eyes. My room was pretty much in a state... Well you can call it heavenly. It was clearly less than 20 degrees. Real dark. Real dreamy. And my bed just happens to be Godlike. What it does is, it slowly drains away your fatigue and recharges your body with all the energy you'll need for the day. Which kinda now explains why my friends who'd once slept in, are always requesting to come over.






Yvonne didn't call me last night, nor is she calling now. The guy whom she is interested in, went to her school to pick her up last night. Needless to say, ...

I am not naturally insecured. Issues which had happened in the last two years of my life just got me hitting right into that pathetic state. Sorting out all thoughts, all along, I know what I wanna do with my life. When I said that a relationship isn't about setbacks and it shan't be served as a distraction, I had been guilty of letting it holding my life back. I gave up a golden opportunity of having a OJT overseas. That was because I was with someone whom I don't wish to part with despite how much deep down inside I had wanted to go. (One factor has gotten to be my guinea pigs)I don't blame no one, but myself. I don't mean what I say, most of the times. I claim to be strong, but I am sure, most of you around, know that I am just a weakling.

I am not exactly the best in a very special way.
But this is just me, and trust me, I am trying hard to be better.

(But I am a ninja at cryptic crosswords.)

still bic runga sway.

spoke to Nic.

I'm feeling better I guess.

In less than 3 months, I've been brought to my life's lowest point over and over again. And this anxiety disorder which leads to serious sleeping disorder and mild panic attacks are getting their toll on me. If I just carry on with this, I may just black out on some streets. No it ain't about fainting. It is about the embarrassment involved when you're lying on some tiled pavement (that is if I am lucky. Or it could be some slumps) with strangers surrounding you. Worse if some freak try to perform CPR on me.

I guess, I just shouldn't be reliant on anyone anymore. My life, ahead of me, though a mystery, I know I can beautify it and color it any way, which soever. I do not want to be wild, hot nor pretty anymore. I just want to be simple. And most importantly, smiling.



And I am singing again.
Perhaps it's time to fetch that guitar lying around somewhere.

he is godlike.

Nic says (6:43 AM):
you didn't, in the realistic and physical sense
you just had that emotional imaginary pillar.
you didn't care about what/who you were loving.
you just wanted to love someone
and now, it's still the same case isn't it?

Nic says (6:55 AM):
not just ben
you have to give up certain parts of your character
certain traits
certain things that you have lived with, all your life.
stop being needy.
you have to accept facts, and the world as it is.

chrissy* - get rich or die tryin'. says (6:56 AM):
u mean stop being reliant?

Nic says (6:56 AM):
let's imagine the world is simple
there are 2 types of people
1) those that rely on other people. 2) those that can be relied on.
choose now.
then work towards it


Nic says (7:00 AM):
no.1 sucks. cause you can't function without someone
and in this ugly world, you can't really depend on anyone
how many times have you been disappointed?
why not just quit it, and be no.2?
no.2's great cause you'll have more motivation in whatever you do

Nic says (7:01 AM):
cause you know people are counting on you
and you will always function
everyday of your life, you're living
sure, sometimes it sucks cause you're bearing big burdens. but at least you're feeling alive every single day







This is my fave man on earth on my bed. And it is not what it seems.

19 April 2007

I totally adore you. However, you betrayed this faith. Not only that, you betrayed me. You are a polygamy believer. You came up with packs and packs of lies in hope to bring me down. It's clear that you do not know how to play this game.

So with my best, my very best, I set you free.

jaded.

dearest Bennett,

words of harsh you spoke of.
actions of negligence, you did.
was i nothing more than a rag doll to you?
that you have to pick me up and throw me down
with the most forceful strength you ever had?

do you ponder why to you, im devoted?
have you wonder why i keep choosing to stay?

the blistering cold, now you left me with again.
am i not human? am i without blood flowing through my veins?
am i emotionless that you have to keep killing me again and again?

caught up in between to go or to stay.

Some believe in miracles. I don't.

Time now is 7.48pm. Date today is 17th January 2007. Congratulations. I am back to the single status again. Less than 2 months to our 2nd anniversary. Pity... How did we ended?

I was feeling unhappy last night. I needed someone to talk to. I called him thrice. He chose his games over me. All along I was uncertain of my importance. Last night was just a minor case. Said he would call back, however he didn't. And so, tired me fell asleep. I managed to reach him on his cell phone at around 6 this evening. Battery went flat the first time, he didn't bother to call back. Called him again. I tried talking to him nicely. He just wanna sleep and ignore whatever I say. Disappointed and angry, I shouted. I do not like to shout. I was never a violent nor angry person. He is the only one in this world who can make my lose it, wild out and act like a lunatic. He hanged up on me and switched off his cell phone.

I shouldn't be so naive and positive to even think that we can last. -smiles- I know there are so many obstacles ahead of us. Been together for two years and the only time when I can walk into his house without having to be sneakily is when his folks are out of town. Friends had told me to let it go. They had already grown tired of persuading me, trying to convince me that he isn't going to give me any happiness nor future. I admit I was just waiting for a miracle. I haven't been happy for some time. I just keep trying to ignore the unhappiness this relationship has been bringing to me. And fought hard to keep it going. I keep trying, changing, keep compromising, what do I receive?

Two years down the drain. All the effort, time devoted in exchange for a hefty amount of unhappiness. I am not the right kind of girl for him. And neither is he the right kind of guy for me. What I want in life differs from his. How we want to lead our lives are different. I have been foolish to keep trying all by myself. I have been ridiculous and unreasonably crazy and blind.

I am thinking of Nic. He is attractive but no, I do not have any feelings for him. Same history, similar personalities and character. Been hopelessly lost in love, disappointed and disgusted by the aftermath. This is how similar we are right now. When we treat someone right, why don't they reciprocrate? Why do I have to go back to the lifestyle I used to lead? Why do I have to be that self centered, egoistic bitch who manipulate any bastards down the street? Thought I found someone to settle down with, spend the rest of my fucking life with. Pity, wrong guy. False hopes. I should face the reality and move on. ^^

I doubt my youngest sister would ever change. She is a angry person. Always raising her voice, always cynical, always thinking why I keep thinking lowly of her. I was just being concerned about her preparations for her examinations this morning, she just had to be judgmental and jumped to conclusions that I was trying to bring her down. She just cannot bloody understand that not all concern are hypocritical. She just like to be on her guard all the time. -sighs- Troubled family waters. I have always thought a family should be understanding to one another, and help one another in whichever way possible. Another hypothetical thinking. I should wake up to this real world.

This world has been giving me the positive false hopes. It is actually cruel, ugly, filled with sorrows. Red alert for global warming, number of endangered animal species increasing day by day, sea waters being polluted by industrial wastes, animals hunted by illicit poachers... Isn't that obvious? Men are just selfish bastards. They can never stop being like that. That's the way God has created them to be. He created a planet, and created millions of selfish bastards to destroy it. A unsubstantial number of conservationalists to protect it. And then those selfish bastards would explore the other planets on the solar system in hope of thriving on there. They came, they shit, they didn't flush the toilet and went away.

And so... this is it. That's the way life is. Bitches and Bastards.







Have it?
Flaunt it!