Having thought about this whole issue which is going on inside me, I have decided to delete the post "This is not a Hate Mail!" I really should think I shouldn't be entangled in this weave of emotions which should be long forgotten. And come to accept the way he was, and whichever way he is now. Reading the older posts, looking back, I realized how stupid I had been. I had been used! And those words which he had said to me all sound so easy now. They are convincingly better lies, and I see nothing now. When I had him, I thought I knew and saw everything. Then again, nothing regarding him is of my concern. I no longer wish to miss any of those careless words and the easy times he had when I bore all the difficulties. And if I do give way and bawl, the reason would be me, just for me myself.

I just went to facebook and saw this stupid application "Do you think your friend dresses up well?" and revealed the one person who clicked on "No" on me. Hmm? I think shirts and pants to a lousy club named butterfly or whatever, spaghetti straps with mini denim skirts + heels are really his cups of tea. But then again, whatever. 

I totally tried out fake eyelashes today! And my god, I swear I am addicted to em already! I want to even wear em to sleep man. And I had wanted to snap some photos of me in lashies but heck, I lost my right contacts and I went to shower as soon as I got home.

Wenny is being funny loh. Asked me on MSN to text her as soon as I see her message, and she ain't replying now. Boo hoo. 

Friends do leave. I do leave too (not suggesting anything to you Wenny). I cannot count the number of people I have dropped along this journey, but hey, plastic is a non-biodegradable waste and it's harmful to the landscape. I don't know, I sound like a hater.

The last time I went madly in love was in year 2005. And that was the only time it ever happened. I went nuts for someone else not me. And I declared to the whole world that I loved him. It was very mutual. We were more than effulgence. And I am really thankful it happened, even though he and I are pretty much talking strangers now.

I miss falling in love with lotsa P.D.As.

To sign off this post, I decided to cite what I came up with last night while typing out that "not a hate mail".

And it's for him, Aloysius Teoh, from me.

Lying is the most fun you can have without taking off anyone's clothes. But it's better if everyone does.

Marina Tsvetaeva

This is beautiful.

Poetry of the End.

A single post, a point of rusting

tin in the sky

marks the fated place we

move to, he and I

on time as death is

prompt strangely

too smooth the gesture of

his hat to me

menace at the edges of his

eyes his mouth tight

shut strangely too low is the

bow he makes tonight

on time? that false note in

his voice, what

is it the brain alerts to and the

heart drops at?

under that evil sky, that sign of

tin and rust.

Six o'clock. There he is waiting

by the post.

Now we kiss soundlessly, his

lips stiff as

hands are given to queens, or

dead people thus

round us the shoving elbows of

ordinary bustle

and strangely irksome rises the

screech of a whistle

howls like a dog screaming

angrier, longer: what

a nightmare strangeness life is

at death point

and that nightmare reached my waist

only last night

and now reaches the stars, it has

grown to its true height

crying silently love love until

—Has it gone

six, shall we go to the cinema?

I shout it! home!

And what have we come to?

tents of nomads

thunder and drawn swords over

our heads, some

terror we expect

listen houses

collapsing in the one

word: home.

It is the whine of a cossetted

child lost, it is the

noise a baby makes for

give and mine.

Brother in dissipation, cause

of this cold fever, you

hurry now to get home just

as men rush in leaving

like a horse jerking the

line rope down in the dust.

Is there even a building there?

Ten steps before us.

A house on the hill no higher a

house on the top of the hill and

a window under the roof is it

from the red sun alone

it is burning? or is it my life

which must begin again? how

simple poems are: it means I

must go out into the night

(and talk to

who shall I tell my sorrow

my horror greener than ice?

—You've been thinking too much.

A solemn answer: yes.

Watch the sunrise before us.

You know, I am a cusp ain't it? Born right in between a cancerian and a leo. Right, I know it's so gay to talk about horoscopes and starsigns, but I am affirmative the signs have their own piece of the cake to cut here. Because you do know I enjoy dark rock music to sexy R&B to raging hip hop, the usual jazz, lounge and new age. Not forgetting operas. 

My most current groove has to be this track by lil' Wayne featuring Bobby Valentino named "Mrs Officer." Yeah. I know the name sounds damn corny, but I simply fancy that whole light feel of it, now that a majority of R&B and hip hop are using lotsa electro beats in them. And lil' Wayne sounds damn cheeky when he does the half laugh thingii. Well, what a song for my escapade to Phuket!

-

I chose over a route of uncertainties ahead. I settled for not the best, because I know for sure, the best route isn't what I want to be seen taking. My life should not be a smooth sailing yatch in the fast lane. I want it to be a viking ship, pirating, getting caught in whirlpools and storms. I was never a handsome Princess 56 fly. And these tedious obstacles, should serve me well along the road of growth. /smirks. 

I have more feelings for someone not me, even though he's nowhere close at all. The whole amusing thing about this relationship is that there isn't a relationship at all. Everything is my hypothesis, fantasies, and dreams. I have heard countless convictions of giving up and my affections are almost wayward. However floozy I may portray, I'm still sure who fits right in this especial room inside me. 

Perhaps I should spend the rest of my life coming up reasons why we should be together.

I think there's quite a hefty lot of it.

-

Enjoy the rain, night, jam and love, peepo. 

David Sides.

I spent the past one hour viewing this incredibly unbelievable talented guy on youtube. 

He left me satiably enthralled. And I am hungry for more.

Two songs which lovingly remind me of you, all the time. And Ciara's Like A Boy.

Musiq Soulchild - Buddy.

Ne-Yo - Because Of You.

Ciara - Like A Boy.

*note what's missing on his piano.

random.

[JSVIII]© come back to me its almost easy says (2:22 AM):
haha
i tot u are fucking gg to slp!!
wth bff

*eminence grise. says (2:23 AM):
er no. i dont know who "gg" is. i have no such friend.

Shatter dome.

I have been listening to a lot of The Smashing Pumpkins these days. The band is only three years younger than me and I regret not wanting to listen to em any sooner than now. 

Oh. Tell me you know why I love them.

That ain't the original girl, D'arcy (who did bass) or something?

"Music that evokes emotions such as being pessimistic and feeling trapped but still wanting to believe in love, in a future, in something." - some review on them.

Sounds familiar. Hmm.

Sometimes when there's too much weight,

you'd feel like going back...

going back to 1979.

Lovefool #1.

As if my company doesn't spoil us enough, watching "Quantum of Solace" Gold class was carved into this perfection when there were popcorn and drinks catered. Now there's only this Massage treat which I think I would be needing somewhere in December.

Finally, 2008 is bidding farewell and the curtains are almost half drawn. It's been an eventful year. I had seen a psychiatrist and kicked it. Got myself on medication and dropped it with a snap of the fingers. Lost someone who is so important to me, found someone who takes really good care of me, but still I am not happy. SS'09 would be launched soon in time to come, now that AW'08 is going off the shelves into this E.O.S. I can't wait to see Comme des Garcons's and Marc Jacobs's.

The moolah I have spent in this year is crazy. I am a self proclaimed materialistic bitch. There is a drop in the number of books I have read this year. And I did not club for more than ten times this year and I am planning to keep this record alive. I want to knock someone off this career ladder she's slowly climbing (due to her old age) at work. 

You know, I am still awed by the fact that a lot of people out there (especially, the Older generation - too blind to see because of hyperopia, too slow in reacting because of senile dementia) are plain stupid. Dogs that bark don't bite. Really. So just shut the fuck up, shut yourself in your kennel of insecurities, and drown yourself in your own sea of shit. I am so sick of hearing these empty business talks, self actualization, self idealization, self placate, self pity and this goes on. Sighs. Ya so barking up the wrong tree. I don't fancy patrons. Quit it or I'll just slap any of yo with anthrax strapped on a tampax.

I have this longing for New York and colder countries. I want to be seen wearing cashmere, warmers, beanies, furry coats, ear muffs (I once told my love that they are furry headphones), leather jackets and boots. 

Love, you should come back. It's the easiest job you would ever need to do.

Tainted walls of rain and shine,

remain standing,

stronger and survived.

-

P.S I might be attacking soon for all you know.

Are you even ready?

Note to myself.

Before 2008 ends... 

In the month of December then.

1. Go to the dentist.
2. Go for a haircut.
3. Go for a massage.
4. Lose weight.
5. Wait for you.

Resolution '09.

1. Sign up for a third language.
2. Get your hip hop done please.
3. Go Phuket & Bangcock in March.
4. Save up for New York.
5. Lose weight.
6. Wait for you.

Year 2010.

1. New York '10!
2. Lose weight.
3. Wait for you.

My god.

I thought I should stop blogging for a period of time.

But I was only an arm's length away from Rihanna.

She's so friendly.

And tall.

Jesus.

I should have asked for Jay Z's number siol!

Dreamer.

Very much alone.

It's only a matter of time that this very add doesn't necessarily represent me. And it doesn't bother me at all whether there are still anyone reading this. It's of no surprise to know that a blog like this won't have much entertainment value. I need a little space to rant, or rather, to express my thoughts especially when I notice the absence of you with so much regret.

It's been a while since I lost my cool over something/someone insignificant. It doesn't make sense at all. I had a calm 12 hour sleep to be awaken to such fine weather, albeit to an empty side of a bed, and still, to the ghost of you. The impact of having lost you, has evolved into a want for others, even though I have someone close. They are not enough. And I realised, 'you' were most probably a mere million blinks and flutter of eyelids away.

I am on this side of the track, having a almost smooth train ride, that I hope. But when they all amount to nothing, I am just seeing a crystal stare. Because I don't have you anymore.

There's such a void within me that moving on isn't just enough.

I am incomplete.

Hate Post #1.

I have been lazy to read. I have been really lazy to do almost everything I have always enjoyed. It's been so long I stopped drawing. I just don't see the drive anymore. Like everything is gone. My mind is wickedly infused with something. And I have no clue what it is.

I am contented. But I ain't happy. I realise I was happier when I wasn't contented. What does that imply about me?! I am a depressive. Depressives never want to be happy so they can be sad. Fuck. Fuck. Am I really one?

Now I have an identity crisis. For god's sake at the age of 23?! Am I really a bi? Omfg, I am spouting nonsense.

Gone.

Gone.

Gone with the wind.

Gone is the rapture that thrilled my heart.

I kinda notice this cute guy at Paul Smith, Wisma. He's always looking in my direction too. What does that mean? Is he always wondering whether I am a tranny or what? He sure looks a lil like Aloysius though. Substitute.

You know what? I am a fucken cb slut. I can tell you. I am afraid that Nic might see these one day. But I am just... God damn selfish ya know. Some by sins rise, some by virtues fall. You know? You know.

I have a sudden kick to snap photos. Photos of trees, flowers, rivers, ponds and lakes. Mountains, sunsets, the greenery. I want to watch clouds. Can someone taciturn enough bring me please?

Okay. This is something about me. There are some guys out there, if they know how I am like, they'd really take their stand good enough and just go with the flow and enjoy what I am like. But there are just some mentally challenged ones who are trying to outwit/out-talk/out-think/out... out... out... whatever it is, I have no clue what the fuck would they want to do that for. It's just... I don't know. If by being a FUCKING PLAIN JANE, SIMPLE GIRL NEXT DOOR WHO DOESN'T WEAR BRA AND WATER HER BONSAI AND GREET YOU A GOOD MORNING WHEN SHE SEES YOU, AND TOLDCHA BLESS YOU WHEN YOU SNEEZE, makes you happy, then go to Far east plaza, go to Orchard towers, you could try Mayflower primary school too. I'm just having not much time for the haters.

Cat licking off the fucking cream. I admit I don't have many I chat to under my MSN list. And that's because I am selective when it comes to friends, and talkers. I don't "Hi and bye" people. But I need no shit asses, brains through muscles kinda guys to come stimulate me. Just... beat it and scram. I am carrying out the filteration of my MSN list, and I do this every year. And I know no one knows unless you discover I don't rememeber you or talk to you anymore. As if it's not short enough, I prefer my MSN to be meaningful.

Please. Brush up your english and learn to spell mesmerise or mesmerize. Not Mesmorise or what.

Yeah. I am mocking at you know who you are.

Come. Taunt me soon.

When all falls.

Have you ever taken notice of some numbers resurfacing repetitively in your life? The number of the plate of a car you just happened to notice on the road, the number of an unfamiliar building, and the time, whenever you turn to see.

I am sure you do, or will.

Mine happen to be 1 and 7.

-

I remember the time they came and died.

I remember the time - smoke on my cigarette.
I remember the long flight of stairs, the essence of lavender burning.



I remember the lonely alley.



Maybe someday you'd remember something.







[Sorry. I didn't mean to peep to your knowledge.]

Counting days.

I have been really packed! And when it's time for me to rest, I am down with a severe cold. Because of my allergy to dust, and because it was really dusty at my recent company event, I am a sick dog now. I dare not say I worked very hard for this event and it's because I have been sick eversince the first day I stepped into this Pit Building next to the Singapore Flyer. Ugh. My head is splitting like worlds apart.

Aights. If you've went to this Club 21 Bazaar, then I suppose you have adopted another mindset towards branded goods. And the queue to even enter this event was as long as the queue back then when MOS just opened (really sorry to hear that it's closed). And as for the payment queue, try to visualise a lil further.

So now you must be thinking what good buys I have gotten!

AX for Dad!

My doll-ups and an undie from D&G.


Cutesey Pinky Sweater from Blackjack!


Hammock bag from Marina Rinaldi!



lil' red shoes from Max&Co.


One of my fave designers - Marc Jacobs!


@ SG Flyer, fuckin sick.


Did I mention I met up wit this eejit recently?

And I am damn impressed with my P905i. Although the network is giving me quite a handful of problems, it's still a godly one. I've been spending way too much this month, there's still quite a number of stuffs I bought which I didn't take photos of. Ugh. i am sweating like hell. Fucken fever.

AT

Life's been busy...

We met.

I had to hide.

I was ashamed of all I had done,

to hurt you.

And she was there.

You will never know that I love you.

And that evening I kept this song playing,

until I saw you in the wees.

I finally recalled,

how your lips feel on mine.

You weren't just history,

you are a dream.

[17.11.2008] danced with the lil prince and made love in the rain.

Happy Birthday love.

I shall fulfill the promise to Phuket.

And read on the beach.

I don't understand how this type of pain works. But I can tell you, it's almost as good as taking the staple breakfast of one, let's say for example, kokrunch away from you. The sudden loss and the overwhelming emptiness is propelling me to want to do something silly and uncalled for.

/sighs I should be breathing now through my threshold. And I should be able to wake up feeling almost as good as brand new but same old, tomorrow.

Really. I feel sad because there was time wasted, choices made out of my gloomy times and well, to sum it up, I just have to say I have insulted my intellectual level and had go against the current and only live to now to regret. Albeit thankfully, it won't be long later which I start developing second thoughts, now that the curtains were drawn. The very post here, marks another tearful story of fates wrongly entwined, another fragment of history, a play acted out, gone and done with.

And as if things weren't complicated now, it's still the pink wind chime that I am looking at.

Calendar girl who's in love with the world stays alive.

And I will live, for sure.

I know someone who's a wimp. =D And I am greedy. I am going to devour you, this time round.

Meeting tomorrow 8:30 birds chirping wees! Wtfugggggggg! And Imma catch Max Payne at 10.30am. Who on bleeding earth watches movie in the morning?!

My mobile (please see below) is fcking turning heads every where! =D!! And I totally adore this track by Flobots - Handlebars.

I am gonna have my appraisal soon. If that bloody biatch ever dares say anything negative about me, I will put anthrax on a tampax and slap her till she can't stand. She is in no single fuck shit position to make any comments with regards to my work performance. Hah. Speaking of "speak for yourself".

Know how many out there are always jumping to impress others with what they are not? Then again, whichever facade we put up, isn't it us anyway? /shrugs Life itself isn't a bitch, we fuck ours up all the time. And that includes me nonetheless. Oh alright, snap myself again. Better be snapped fckin hard this time round. Ugh.

"It took me long to realise how much I fancy my solitude freedom and how independent I could be on my own. I am free to choose whoever I wish to cast in my circumlocutory play, given a brilliantly creative enough script I paint out. With the occasional tidal waves of grievances and losses, you will always remember me for which side of me you adore. I am telling you now, you would not get what you see. Because I am a chameleon. I kill things I love, so they will be mine eternally."

Beauty!

Look at my new pet!

• 3.2 inch VIERA display
• 480 x 854 pixel resolution
• 2000:1 contrast ratio
• HSDPA connectivity for data transfer speeds of up to 3.6 Mbps
• built-in GPS
• video and audio players
• 5.1 Megapixel camera with six-axis image stabilizer and video recording at 30 frames per second
• a secondary VGA camera for video calls.
• microSD card slot
• 1-Seg capability

You don't need PSP, iPhone with this beauty around!

Lovingly appreciating it!

Bukake.

My god. I wanna get this pair of earrings, bag and monopoly set from Juicy Couture and they have no shipping services to Singapore. UGHHHHH! I am going bonkers!

I said this to Ain at work, "I hope the pigeon fly by and shit on your face." So I walked towards Somerset Tube and bukake man! It was still warm. And very moist. Fuck shit karma! And I was only joking only okay. I vehemently thanked God it didn't got on my bag!

To: A.

I secretly wish we could give it another try, without questioning my remaining rights. If there were some, perhaps you may wish to consider someone whom you fancy from time to time. Times when I was shit cranky, times when I was not what you want, times when I wasn't myself, or times when I tried to snap you. If you could, it might be right this time, for all you know.

From: A's.

Hello!

F/W'08 at last! Okay. I know SG's too burning to be considering getting a new trench coat, soft cashmere sweaters or what nots. Let's just make do some consolation to ourselves but imagining we can dress up in those thick coats and boots. /fantasizes Okay. One lovely song to see you through your Fall this year. I know this song's been around for some time. But it's a so-feel-good-about-yourself one. Pardon R Kelly for having sex with a minor okay. I bet she was in for a good time too luh? And what about her calling him 'Daddy' in that sex vid. I bet she was up for some role play too. Ugh. A 14 year old can know enough to shock the world luh please.

I sold my F1 finals passes! I hope my managers don't happen to be reading this. My mind would have been bleeding if I had decided to go get involved in a stampede in the race circuit okay. But! I still managed to watch the race on some bridge at Marina. That is about it. Nothing really wonderful about wearing that pass on your neck. I did make it up to Trac by buying her dinner. No photos because her camera was low on batt. And she actually brought a dying camera out. -.-

Momma's and Cal's 21st birthdays are coming soon! Although I ain't on talking terms with em right now, I bought mom a pair of Amethyst Earrings and Cal one Calvin Klein shirt and a DKNY polo tee. /roll eyes

Someone's been head hunting me for Juicy Couture which is coming soon to Singapore.. I am considering whether to take up the offer. I know xiaxue will be the first to set foot

My primary school crush added me on facebook! Been ages. I wonder how he looks like now.

Should I get this?! I'm like a lil sick of my Pimpin' Ain't Easy.

Chrissy wants to throw a White Party!

I ought to be feeling really tired right now. My legs are aching and my head is a carousel. I have learnt last night that a fatal combination of Duromine, Nicotine and Caffeine can lead to severe aftermaths of being wide-eyed open all through the night, reacting a tad slower to ongoings than the usual, making mistakes at work (when I work, I am a perfectionist).

I just cannot go to sleep now. Because there's this lingering aroma of melting cheese on a crust, most prolly topped with pepperoni and some capsicums, tantalising the breaths I inhale. Then it growled and the owner got tempted.

I wrote a poem recently and I can say I am pretty proud it turns out quite well (at least, to me). So very queer as usual but that's just me.

Stomp's fucking funny okay. Some r-tards really have the time of the world to take pictures of ugly commuters, horny teenagers in school uniforms, men in big cars going Geylang for hoes. Bleeding minds, just walk up to whoever you think ain't doing anything right and start a fight. Because, so what? You'd still be a rock star.

Did I mention I adore that new song from Pink? :D

I really want to start a fight! With some bloody obese bitch with big fat bums and cucumber-sullen lips. I'll slap her hard in her fuckin face, throw her down on the floor, kick her hard everywhere and finally when she's oh so begging me so hard not to kill her, I will just blow her brains off after taking a lovely photo of her pleading look.

Pathetic.

And that's really a fantasy of mine. /slurps

We are going to the F1s!

I had two boxes of F1 passes.

Which means two passes for all three days.

Friday's went to Cal.

Saturday's went to Dawn.

Sunday's mine!

:D

PS. You lucky bitch Trac. I am taking you.

I need a cold holiday!

A lonely one.

To grieve.

To grow.

I strongly believe that there's four seasons in Singapore. I bought my Autumns, then smiley sun came out to shine effortlessly every day. And it's making me so lazy. I just feel like sitting on a crouch, sipping some lemonade away and listen to the Gorillaz.

I woke up with a splitting headache. I doubt the real reason for sleeping is to rejuvenate the body and the mind because I woke up feeling less than a fetid corpse. My fingernails are getting long, and I am deciding whether to cut them or not. My everyday now is friggin routined, without all the crashing tidal waves. What makes me interesting might be those ill emotions, or perhaps detestable to some. I am a living dead now, with high anticipation of everything yet a low EQ to react to situations.

I somewhat miss those wasted days. Waking up to nothing, ending the day with nothing. It's either a hard boiled wonderland or the end of the world. And me now - on Earth, nowhere spectacular or generously ample in all aspects. I need clever discussions and intelligence stimulation with a touch of flamboyance and flair. Anyone, please?

And oh Bennett, Happy 23rd Birthday. It seems like yesterday we were 19. The girls on the search for Miss Maxim 2008 are really quite hideous. Yikes, you know. Yikes.

-

AX ARMANI EXCHANGE
ARMANI COLLEZIONI
ARMANI JEANS
ARMANI JUNIOR
BALENCIAGA
BERLUTI
BETULA
BLACKJACK
CK CALVIN KLEIN
CK MENS
CLUB 21 GALLERY
CLUB 21 LADIES
CLUB 21 MEN
D&G
DIESEL
DKNY
DKNY JEANS
DKNY KIDS
DOLCE & GABBANA
DONNA KARAN
DRIES VAN NOTEN
EMPORIO ARMANI
GIORGIO ARMANI
ISSEY MIYAKE
JIL SANDER
KIDS 21
MARC BY MARC JACOBS
MARINA RINALDI
MARNI
MAX & CO
MAX MARA
MULBERRY
PAUL SMITH
POMELLATO
TWELVE 21
VILEBREQUIN

Betrayal.

I have not been writing in days to count. Not because I have been too busy, it's just that I had pretended to be. To be so occupied with work to the extend I tried to neglect my pets, my liking for books, my syncs with my world - myself.

I have hence titled this post based on a recent event which turned the cards I have laid on the table around, against me.

Another big betrayal in Year 2008. FD1 did something unimaginable and I have remembered I was still standing alongside her with my faith and utmost trust even though the truth was almost hanging loosely at the end of my fingers. The truth sure was within reach and the truth came to light, shocking me to a almost possible mental trauma, forcing me to question my own judgement. And this time, for the second time around, I had been seeing things the way I want to see them again. She was totally un-ignorable because her presence had an omnipresent motivating force for me to look forward to every working day with her. Sadly, she landed herself in a state which is nothing more compared to roach. My words are harsh, and so were her actions. And it wasn't me alone who felt pain and hurt by what she had done.

I feel like picking up guitar once again.

I didn't think I will ever see him again, but the meeting was meaningless. Totally uncalled for and it sure stirred up some storms within me again. Then I come to this realisation, that it has been an idealisation all this while. I intentionally had myself to be regretful and guilty of what took place. And apart from some little tiny tinges of feelings I didn't really register, I had been myself for the day. I guess I had moved on very discreetly.

So this is the final kiss.

This is whispered goodbye.

I am really depressed.

First of all, every voices within me and around me has been telling me that life's been really good on me. Which in a straightforward manner, it means I have put on weight. Fuck. And my boy couldn't help to be gay about it saying how well he has been taking care of me. Fuckin hell.

Damn him for rollerblading at ECP this evening and late night shopping now at Mustafa without me.

I hate the way I was on my commute back, now. But when that appearance/attributes-wise challenged woman shoved her way and pushed me, causing me to almost lose my footing, I love being a fucking punk.

My mouse is working fine again.

There's this flying bug irritating and scaring the shit outta me.

I have less than 8 hours to sleep.

I think about him every day still and I know I am being unfaithful.

And so? My cognitive landscape is solely my own.

Our lives are such fucking routines. And I don't ever wish to grow up.

I love gold class.

So I pen...

I know, you must be wondering why do I have two posts of such different wavelengths in one day. At least I am wondering. My switch of frequencies and the change of this sacred chamber surprised me at times. But I am getting used to it.

I have realised I have stopped reading horoscopes' readings for a while. It just crept upon me that I am all that should be read and understood by myself. My little gestures... the way I speak, I speak for myself.

I have his photo on my desktop and I am listening to Stereophonics now. I had his name searched on Google, not having the intention to stalk or whatever, I just needed to know he is doing well. Which is definitely uncalled for, because I have always known he'd do well, whichever transition he would be in. The outcome of the search turned out futile. There wasn't any way I could have found out.

I recapped my previous posts and I am disappointed by this caliginous hole right before my eyes still, after having blinked for more than a million times. I see nothing.

It has been a year, indeed.

Things were a lil different when I had Bennett walked out. I picked up pretty soon and fine. Weirdly, I couldn't come up with any explanation why do I still feel this way towards him. The span of time I was with Bennett was more than a tad longer than the period that I had my path crossed with him. I didn't cry as much for him as I had for Bennett. And there were more fond memories with Bennett playing his role out as compared to beautiful images of him casted. My memory bliss of him turns out to be quite melancholic. And I couldn't stop living this way, thinking about him. Quite a sadistic torment. And Shakespear would have been the only piece of wisdom I deem need.

I have been having the chances of chancing upon him. We were always so near, but I suppose fate has its reasonable amount of pranks. Well, I wouldn't have known what to do if I were to see him one day. Perhaps he might be even holding onto someone and I do not wish to have myself living in this daze, not even for a minute.

A friend of mine asked would I ever forget him. I told her I will always carry him to my deathbed. It is so intense and I am certain of this fact. Even if we were to start all over again someday when God decides to play nice, I will love him this same way when I haven't got him. But I know, we will never be a fairy tale. Our scars and shadows were heaven turned hell - too ethereal to believe and too painful to remember.

Did we lose ourselves again?

Do we take in what's been said?

Do we take the time to be

All the things we said we'd be

And we bury heads in sand

But my future's in my hands

It means nothing

It means nothing

You can find yourself a God

Believe in which one you want

'Cos they love you all the same

They just go by different names

When we fly our flag today

Are you proud or just ashamed?

It means nothing

It means nothing

And the sun sets in the sky

You're the apple of my eye

If the bomb goes off again

In my brain or on the train

I hope that I'm with you

'Cos I wouldn't know what to do

It means nothing

It means nothing

It means nothing

It means nothing

It means nothing

If I haven't got you

If I haven't got you

If I haven't got you

If I haven't got you

Aloysius.

Yes. I have changed my blog add till to some reasons or beliefs I have which might not be true even. So fuck me for being over imaginative or egoistic, as usual.

Now, I know the blog add sounds cheesy. But whatever. I can't think of better ones nor do I wish to. This is just a piece of virtuality which I am entitled to my own freedom of speech. And I am so gonna curse.

Fuck.

Basically, my work environment is uberly cheena-hokkien speaking. One which I try to stay away because I know that somehow the English is gonna deteriorate. And it's true because I just checked up dictionary.com for the double confirmation of the spelling of the word 'deteriorate'.

Fuck.

So Tracy is going away to BKK on the 23rd of July 6:30am just to siam my birthday. She had claimed that the tickets for 24th and 25th are way cheaper and tried to make me believe that she wasn't trying to siam. But you just dug your own grave luh old friend.

Fuck.

I cannot accept the fact that I AM 23. I have specially forewarned BFF not to send me any sms-es. Don't anyone send me a birthday wish sms. Thank you.

Fuck.

Everyone is hitting BKK for some unknown reasons. Even my boy loves it there. Some kinda heroin tomyam most prolly. Oh. That reminds me of the poppies.

Fuck.

My room's lights down. And I have no choice but to read by candles.

Fuck.

Okay. I am just blogging for the sake of it. And I have gotten so much to buy. I cannot decide between HTC touch diamond and iPhone. I cannot tolerate the idea of listening to mp3s on my phone and iPhone is so bulky. It'd mean irksome clubbing trips and so on and so on.

I am still waitin for my Agnes B budget you freak.

I hate myself for falling in love with one of the Gucci's because Gucci's bad leather. We all know that albeit love is so blind.

Okay. I have your photo on my desktop. And I love the cringing pain everytime I switch on my computer.

Fuck.

Out.

It has been a year.

I adore Lifehouse till this extent that I am afraid to have any of their tracks in my mp3playa.

I hardly have time to read at all. I sorta forgot what's the add of my blog. Well, it's long forgotten. I cannot imagine anyone out there still checking this out on frequent or regular basis. This should be discarded before it's left to die.

I apprehend the gravity of some words I came across last night on tv. I couldn't help but to weep and I had to hide the damn eyes from someone I would never love to hurt. I am, disappointingly, still in a state of confusion and dilemma most certainly. Affirmatively, I know those which flashed through my mind were mere wishful thinking. And if any fragment of the delusion should come to unfold to a sweet piece of reality, what I would do won't be what I wish to do. So that I would never live to regret. Of this, I am most certain.

That new version of Mariah's "Always be my baby" done by some dude is a song for the snail/tortoise ok. I don't read why it should be in the charts and I don't want to understand how someone can adore that version.

Guess what? I am so so overspending. New prized possession of the month is a Comme des Garcons wallet which cost a 320bomb. And that day use bag of Longchamp which is yes-you-so-know-how-it-looks-like and it is cheap. There's still no single bag in the market which has the ability to make me go totally crazy. I am just anti animal products and I love meat.

My english sucks. I know I know. =)